Not All That is Buried is Dead

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Aug 17

Time is not a healer.

It’s a system for keeping track of seconds, minutes, hours, and days.

Time may take the edge off of intense pain, but it doesn’t heal.   It’s what we do with the passage of time that determines whether or not we heal from our wounds.

Often, we make the mistake of believing that if we keep the pain buried under the guise of a busy schedule, commitments, and trips to Starbucks that our pain will eventually go away on its own.

Because we bury our pain doesn’t mean it’s dead.

It’s very much alive, resurrected by an off-color remark; betrayals big and small.

It wants – no, needs – to be exhumed over and over until we finally acknowledge it.  Look at it.  Figure out why it’s there and do something about it.

Burying it again won’t bring lasting change, nor will reaching out to the very person who keeps our pain alive.

The first requirement in healing our pain is to banish the source of what’s bringing it to the surface.

Then, while our pain is still open and raw, we must examine it.

We must face it and embrace it.  Treat it with loving care.  Let it know it’s understood.

And if we don’t understand it, we must make a point to learn.

Your pain wants to know why you stay with a person who is unfaithful to you.

Why you eat meals with someone who claims to care about you, yet speaks to you in a manner that desecrates your uniqueness.

Why you share your gifts with someone who diminishes your light.

Why you invest in someone who wants you to be dead inside to make them alive.

Healing lies in learning the why.

No, time is not a healer.  That’s a job we must do ourselves.

I’m digging in the dirt

Stay with me I need support

I’m digging in the dirt

To find the places I got hurt

~ Peter Gabriel

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(17) comments

Dina August 24, 2015

I always believed time heals. Time just give you distance from your pain. If it’s unhealed, it will be triggered and that hurt will return. Great post.

Reply
    Kim Saeed August 24, 2015

    Thank you, Dina 🙂

    Reply
Debra Sutton August 23, 2015

Wonderful post Kim. It took me a long time in life to realize that we cannot bury our pain. We must work through it in order to finally heal.

Reply
Sianjones August 19, 2015

Quite true. No very true. I have put my feelings away all of my life. That is why I have let this vile man treat me like this. Damaged and destroy me.
But how do I reeeeally, I mean really heal forever so that I don’t ever go with a monster again.
Help would be really appreciated
Xxx

Reply
    Kim Saeed August 25, 2015

    Hi Sian,

    Healing is different for everyone, but I found great relief in doing inner child work and transformational healing activities. Also, here is a link to my Pinterest board that contains exercises for changing negative thought patterns, relief from anxiety and panic attacks, and various other stabilization skills: https://www.pinterest.com/kimsaeed/c-ptsd-healing-stabilization-skills-and-getting-un/

    Also, make a list of your top 5-10 deal breakers and if you’re in a new relationship and someone crosses the line, be willing to walk. You don’t have to disclose your deal-breakers on the first date or anything, but you should have the conversation when it feels appropriate. It’s all about honoring your personal boundaries and not letting anyone cross the line.

    Lastly, healing is typically a life-long journey. I still get triggered sometimes, but I know how to handle and process them until the trigger goes away without falling back into codependent behaviors.

    Hope that helps!

    Reply
Alice August 18, 2015

Very true! Thank you for this blog post – and for all the other wisdom, insight and support you are offering:-)

Reply
    Kim Saeed August 18, 2015

    Thank you for your kind praise, Alice. Wishing you the very best <3

    Reply
Barbara Franken August 17, 2015

Great expression Kim and a good reminder… Thanks Barbara

Reply
Purpleanais August 17, 2015

This is so very true! Thank you for this 🙂

Reply
Shirley Frankowiak August 17, 2015

This was a good short story to read!!! Time is not a healer.

Sent from my iPad

>

Reply
    Kim Saeed August 18, 2015

    Thank you for stopping by, Shirley. I’m glad you liked my article! 🙂

    Reply
Remembertoforget August 17, 2015

Wonderful article…this is all the stuff i’ve been learning now, and doing shadow work.
Thank you. Perfect timing.

Reply
    Kim Saeed August 17, 2015

    Thank you for sharing, R2F, and I’m glad my post came at a good time for you <3

    Reply
betternotbroken August 17, 2015

This is so true and articulated so well, I have been struggling with how to express this topic and you did a wonderful job. No, time does not heal, nor does moving to a new location and starting fresh – you carry it all with you ignore it and it all lingers underneath and controls you unless you actively work it out and focus not only on the why did they do this to me, but why do what I do as well. Thanks again Kim!

Reply
    Kim Saeed August 25, 2015

    Thank you for your kind praise, BNB! You’re absolutely right, we could move to the opposite end of the globe, but unless we work on our wounds, they will follow us wherever we go.

    Great to see you here, as always 🙂

    Reply
Pam August 17, 2015

Thank you for this post. I do try to embrace the pain but sometimes I guess I tend to try to bury it or rather compartmentalize it. I have been out of my narcissistic relationship for almost 4 months now, but its true unless I embrace the pain and work through it cannot heal.

Reply
    Kim Saeed August 17, 2015

    Thank you for your sincere and thoughtful input, Pam. Wishing you all the best *hugs*

    Reply
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