The Top 3 Ways to Epically Ruin Your Chance at True Love (for Women)

By Kim Saeed | Living Joyfully after No Contact

Oct 20
how to be a woman that men love

how to be a woman that men love

One of the most common questions I receive from my female clients and readers is, “Are there any GOOD men out there?!”

I know from personal experience that it can seem the world is full of self-serving cads. I absolutely loathed being on the dating field. I’d almost resigned myself to living a life of solitude and celibacy. Seriously, that’s how bad most of my dating experiences were.

First off, most of the men on dating sites are looking for someone to hook up with. It can be a huge waste of time to finally narrow your choices down to one guy and then, when you meet up with him, he mentions he isn’t ready for a committed relationship (even if the conversation was about something completely unrelated).

You know, the whole, “I’d prefer to keep it casual” spiel. (Translated – fun, drinks, and friends with benefits). And sadly, if you agree to the Fun-Drinks-Let’s Keep It Casual scene, then that’s probably all you’re going to get.

Because while a man may enjoy a woman’s company and even have great sex with her, it doesn’t mean he considers her long-term relationship material. Once the initial lust wears off, things can get pretty hairy if there isn’t some type of solid foundation started.

The fact is that our brains and beauty can attract a man, but they won’t necessarily keep him. Men aren’t always about looks. They are obviously drawn to those things, but a woman’s actions and confidence (or lack of) are what determines if a man will stick around or keep searching.

Does that make him selfish, or even a narcissist? Not necessarily, especially if a woman agrees to “keep it casual”. (Although it IS a red flag if his profile says he wants a relationship, and then he says he prefers casual dating).

We can’t hold a man accountable for something that we agree to. If casual dating is not something we want in regards to relationships, then we shouldn’t continue dating a man who has made it clear that he doesn’t want commitment — no matter the seeming connection or chemistry.

While dating can be frustrating, the fact remains that there are good men out there.  But, you’ll have to wade through the losers and users to find them –  and you may learn some very valuable lessons along the way.

As a narcissistic abuse survivor who’s been in the trenches and made it out alive, below are the top three mistakes we make as women that can epically ruin our chance at true love. These are applicable to women everywhere, but if you’ve been through the dark night of narcissistic abuse, don’t make these grave blunders:

  1. Hold every man accountable for what your Ex did to you.

Not all men are narcissists, jerks, or emotionally unavailable. Healthy, normal men want to know that they can make a potential partner happy. They also want to feel loved and accepted. If they begin to feel they are being scrutinized, pressured, stalked, tracked down, and suffocated, they’ll pull away and eventually start looking for someone else who is more warm, open, and free-spirited.

That’s not to say we shouldn’t expect open lines of communication with a potential partner, but the first few months of dating are about getting to know someone. It’s not really the time to lay all of your weaknesses and failed relationships out on the table or expect instant exclusivity from someone you just met.

On that note, a man who immediately wants to know about how you broke up with your last boyfriend or husband is likely either a manipulator or has self-esteem issues (besides, who wants that kind of negative energy flowing on the first few dates?)

If you feel hypersensitive after meeting someone new, it might be a sign that you have some more healing to do. However, if you want to date, then you can give it a whirl, but don’t expect to strike gold (or a committed relationship) right away…and definitely don’t hold a new person accountable for your happiness and sense of security.

2.  Accept the wrong men.

Not so long ago, I believed that I attracted men who wanted to take advantage of me. What I later discovered is that the problem wasn’t that I was attracting the wrong men, but that I was accepting them.

Does that mean I deserved to be treated as an afterthought or that I was just asking for manipulation?

No.

It means that in spite of knowing what I didn’t want in a relationship, I swept deal-breakers under the rug, somehow expecting things would work themselves out – all because I felt a sense of connection or attraction.

I wanted to be approved of by a man that I hardly knew instead of stepping up for myself when a red flag popped up. Such that, when things seemed to be going swimmingly and then the deal-breaker happened, I brushed it aside.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that all men who violate one of your deal-breakers are narcissists, only that those particular men aren’t for you.  (Although, a narcissist will definitely violate all of your deal-breakers, and others you hadn’t thought of yet).

No one man is so unique and special that we have to throw caution to the wind and take whatever we can get. Having that mindset will land us in relationships where we will always be disappointed.  (Besides, a good man won’t expect you to violate your values just to stay in the relationship).

Maintain your deal-breakers. Always.

In short, if we find ourselves in relationships with liars, cheaters, addicts, or emotional vampires, our job isn’t to get them to stop lying, cheating, drinking, watching porn, or consuming our lives. Our job is to leave.

You might have to leave several wrong men in the course of finding the right one, but it’s worth it.

3.  Assume that giving a man your all is what’s needed to keep him.

We grew up being told that women are supposed to be submissive, nice, quiet, and do whatever men wanted.

However, this isn’t the 1950’s and we aren’t June Cleaver.

I’m not trying to be feministic, and I certainly don’t speak for women everywhere, but the truth is that what we learned about how to be a woman that men love and want to keep is mostly wrong.

A normal, healthy man doesn’t want a woman who takes care of him as if he were a child–sitting around, always at his beck and call. There’s no magic or intrigue in that. (Although this is exactly what narcissists and other manipulators want). In fact, doing so can actually cause a normal, healthy man to be very uninterested in you.

Men also don’t want a woman who is so strong-willed and alpha-oriented that she makes him feel emasculated. It may seem old-fashioned and counter-intuitive, but there is something to be said for masculine and feminine energies.

Before you start thinking that feminine energy is about slaving over a hot stove and a washing machine, think again. Feminine energy is about warmth, love, openness, and nurturing—not being someone’s door mat.

Avoid the wrong ones, attract and keep the good ones…

I’m not taking up for all the men who use and confuse women. You know, the ones who only come around for a booty call, carry out their relationships via text messages and Facebook pokes, or string women along for years without ever committing.  In short, narcissists, cheaters, and the emotionally unavailable.

These men will always exist and there’s a very good chance you’ll be approached by more men just like this as long as you’re on the dating scene.

My purpose is to help you avoid the common mistakes we make as women that either keep us entangled in unhealthy relationships, or worse, drive healthy, commitment-ready men away.

There is love after narcissistic abuse, once we stop believing what we think we know about how to be a “good woman”, thus allowing ourselves to avoid unhealthy, narcissistic men.

How to be a woman that men love? Let go of what you think you know about how to be a “good woman” and avoid unhealthy, narcissistic men.

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(17) comments

Sally February 27, 2017

Fresh out of a relationship with a narcissit. I had no idea and ignored all the red flags and warnings…. Only now when I am learning about his infidelity and his defenses for being unfaithful (it was my fault)… has the penny finally dropped. I put up with the violence (one occasion only “says he”) and ignored my gut instinct…
Your articles and websites are a breath of fresh air to me…. knowing that I am not alone or going crazy. You never think it will happen to you. You always think narcissim is an over used word…. you never think it will actually happen to you… until you are so deep in it you enter into a place of complete denial..

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Wildflower Women October 22, 2015

Very well said, thank you! Inspiring and encouraging. Still looking after my last relationship with a narcissist. Always a work in progress, and I thank you for your words.

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Beatriz October 21, 2015

I´m happy to read that many women found a good man. It´s inspiring. Now I feel good living alone with my son. I have to heal my wounds. Althought sometimes I have daydreams with a new partner in the future, but now I don´t need him. I usually thought about a partner like a security, like home…now I have my “home” alone…
I love to read your articles, Kim. Thank you

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    Maria December 22, 2015

    I’m also living alone with my son and similar to you I’m loving it and I’m okay with just me and my son for now. I used to think of a partner as security because I come from a codependent family. I’m not searching for love right now and taking the time to heal from all the trauma and pain that the Narc caused in my life. I am “coparenting” with him but I’ve moved to a different state and only have to deal with him when he visits to see our son.
    I’m glad to hear others have found love again and I do believe I will find that one day too! Thank you Kim so much for your articles. They have played a major role in my healing journey.

    Reply
      Kim Saeed December 22, 2015

      Thank you for sharing your personal journey, Maria. I am so very happy to know my articles have helped you. You’ve inspired me <3

      Reply
Lynette d'Arty-Cross October 21, 2015

I am in a great relationship with a non-narcissist. 🙂

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karenzipdrive October 20, 2015

Great post, Kim. I haven’t found true love yet but I am on a self imposed dating & romance hiatus so I can fully recover from the tromance from Hell. Tromance is what I call a traumatic romance with a black belt narcissist.
Until I can go back to believing people can be trustworthy, I wouldn’t want to foist myself off on any unsuspecting normal person.

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IreneDesign2011 October 20, 2015

I thought that I had found the real love, but I’m not so sure any longer. Great article Kim.

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    Kim Saeed October 20, 2015

    Thanks for the praise, Irene…though I’m sorry about your predicament <3

    Reply
      IreneDesign2011 October 20, 2015

      I have been thinking for a while and your post helped me to see even more clearly.

      Reply
    Pauline October 21, 2015

    Dust your self off, have some space and try again with love

    Reply
      IreneDesign2011 October 21, 2015

      One thing at time, first I need to find out, what to do right now. Thank you.

      Reply
Pauline October 20, 2015

Excellent comments this has been written with great thought, I don’t need this advice as I have been happily married for sometime, but I did need it onetime and there was nothing much out there in the 90’s. Treat encounters as an experience and not a failure, you have to get out there to learn and not stay in the past..

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    Kim Saeed October 20, 2015

    Thanks for your wonderful insight, Pauline! “Treat encounters as an experience and not a failure, you have to get out there to learn and not stay in the past” Love it <3

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      Pauline October 21, 2015

      Love to you Kim you are doing an amazing job and giving us awareness even after years away from the Narc. I appreciate this so much…thanks Pauline x

      Reply
Joddle October 20, 2015

Hey Kim

Long time, no chat! Seems you are doing well and happy. I have been following your blog since I stopped doing my toxic relationship videos but otherwise I haven’t been reading much else in the genre. This week though, I came across a couple of interesting articles theorising that toxic relationships happen when a transdimensional enity attaches to one or both in the relationship. The entity feeds on drama and loveless sex such as porn-related stuff. In fact, I remember coming across such an article a couple of years ago but I didn’t take to it because it seemed to be promoting fear.

Anyway here’s the article I read today which brought the topic to my mind. I’d love to hear your take on this in a potential post sometime. And if not, that’s cool just felt a need to get in touch to share this: https://darkstarastrology.com/twin-flames/

See you Jade 🙂

*Jade Mitchell* Speaking Skills Specialist

http://jadejoddle.com/

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    Kim Saeed October 21, 2015

    Hi Jade! What a nice surprise to hear from you after so long! I have been thinking about you lately. I hope you enjoyed your holiday and are back in the saddle feeling refreshed and rejuvenated!

    I’ll check out the post real soon and give you my take 🙂

    Reply
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