Email tsunamis…just don't

By Kim Saeed | Surviving Narcissistic Abuse

Oct 27

You sit down at your computer.

You’ve had something on your mind for a while and you need to share it.

You head over to your email account, hit “compose” and enter the narcissist’s email address.

OR

You make an attempt at No Contact, but don’t really block your soon-to-be-Ex.  After sending the email and waiting by your phone for ten days straight, you finally get the “I miss you” text, but when you respond…crickets.

So, instead of pecking around on your iPhone, you sit down to write a come-to-Jesus email to the narcissist in your life.

It doesn’t matter which scenario foreshadows the event, what ensues is the email tsunami from hell.

You know what I’m talking about…the frame-by-frame depiction of all the pain and suffering they’ve put you through. Your rapid succession, chapter-length emails aimed at giving them lessons on being a decent human that always seem to get lost in cyber-space.

Then, after pouring out your heart and soul for four hours straight, you finally get their reply:

“You’re crazy”.

Or

“I think you should see a therapist”

Or

“Oh sorry, just got this”, with zero acknowledgement of the messages you sent, much less your emotional state.

Makes you feel kind of foolish, doesn’t it?  At least that’s how I always felt when I sent email tsunamis to my Narcissistic ex.  I must have sent thousands of them before finally ending the relationship. And with each one, I lost more of my power…until I just didn’t have any fight left in me.

Being a writer, an INFJ, and an Empath, words mean everything to me.  To my Ex, they were either fodder for his entertainment or ammunition to use against me later.

I know you want them to understand.  You want them to “get it”, but you’re just wasting your precious energy while giving away your power with every email you send to them.

Narcissists absolutely love it when we send email tsunamis.  It means we’ve been worked into a feverish frenzy over something they said or did.  They don’t care about how we feel, but they sure love knowing they have such an enormous effect on us.

In fact, sometimes they enjoy our hateful emails even more than the loving ones.  If they’ve pushed us far enough to feel that we hate them, that means their mind-games have finally come full circle.  And it usually provokes them to treat us worse, because by the time we start with the email tsunamis, it means we’re likely trauma-bonded and brainwashed.

Plus, it feeds their drama dragon, which makes them happy, especially if we’ve just had a nuclear melt-down.

To summarize, each time we engage in email tsunamis, we give away pieces of our dignity and self-respect.  Save your emotions for your journal, your therapist, or your cat.  The Narcissist just doesn’t care.

Copyright © 2015 Kim Saeed. All Rights Reserved

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(31) comments

Jacqueline November 16, 2016

Hi Kim im ready to rebuild my life after being no contact from my ex covert narcissist for a long while. Im confused as to why your support groups are through facebook. This is an area that is part of my no contact strategy. It is advised as part of no contact to get off social media. Im confused Kim

Reply
    Kim Saeed November 16, 2016

    Hi Jacqueline. I have both a public Facebook page, as well as a private one for members of The Essential No Contact Accelerator Course. The course itself is its own support group and has exclusive, live Q&A sessions. For anyone who wants support on a different platform aside from social media, the best route is to join a private course, membership, or similar platform.

    Reply

[…] your children or the fact that you’ve begun dating again, and you subsequently sending them  email tsunamis explaining your actions or becoming ensued in a long texting crusade–and before you know it, […]

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Sarah November 17, 2015

It’s difficult reading my last post on this thread because I was so strong and was able to objectively give good advice to another reader. And here I am again. This really is just a learning process and I’ve been in this place many times before.
My ex had been emailing me about every one to two weeks and I ignored him. It was him claiming I was stalking him and I wasn’t going to respond to that bull. My first mistake was telling myself that if he emailed me with something worth responding to then I would think it over. Well, he emailed me wanting to make sure I was okay. He had heard about a recent job loss- I thought it was sincere. I stood strong, told him I was good and doing well and he had no reason to worry about me any longer. So then he asked if we could talk on the phone. For this first time he asked if we could go to dinner and if I could just hear him out and talk to him and if I’d give him that one last chance. He said that he was making changes with his drinking and he knew that’s why he lost me and he couldn’t stop thinking about me and he had to give it one more shot before completely waking away- he had to know. I hesitated but I agreed to meet him the next day. That day he texted me asking me how my day was as I was heading home to get ready to meet him. I responded but got no reply in over two hours. So after I washed my hair and pulled myself together, I called him to see when we could meet. He picked up the phone and answered with a fake cough and said “I’m sick”. I couldn’t believe it, but I shouldn’t be surprised. I told him I was sorry to hear that and I assume we won’t be meeting and he asked me if that was okay? I said “no, it’s not okay and I’m going to have to end this now. Thank you for your usual bull shit you told me last night and don’t ever contact me again.” I hung up on him.

It felt great. The old me would have offered to come take care of him, bring him food and try to reschedule our meet for another day- when it was convienent for HIM. But I knew this time it was a lie, that he changed his mind or whatever pathetic reason. However, I am quite upset because in our phone convo it seemed like he was fishing for me to tell him I love him and miss him back. And I did. It didn’t feel right because I don’t love him- but I told him what he wanted to hear. I told him about how my life was going and he didn’t tell me much about his other than he had been on 3 dates and none of them were anything special and he thought about me the whole time, that’s why he had to email me. He also said he was worried that he’d reach out and I’d say I was in another relationship and that I was confused between the two men. I thought that was odd. He fished it out of me that I have not been dating. He knew what to say to get the response he wanted. It’s odd with him because he only calls me and manipulates me when he’s drinking. He’s an alcoholic. When he is sober he is the most boring person you’d ever know. I don’t know if he’s naturally sociopathic and the booze brings it out or if he just is that way when he’s drunk? I wish someone could explain to me.

I shouldn’t have responded. I should have stayed strong like the past few times and I should have never answered his phone call. Now his ego has been fed that I miss him and love him. But I know my truth and I only said those things because I was prodded and my defenses were lowered. As much as I want to email him and tell him nothing I said was true, it won’t matter. He’s done this before, he asks to see me but then he cancels the next day. So it’s very hard for me to know if he’s just a coward and he meant what he said, or he just manipulated me to get my hopes up and then crush them. I feel so stupid. I’m going to up my NC game and block his email now. In the mean time, I wish someone could give me some insight. I’ve never known for sure if he is a narc since he only is abusive when he drinks. I just don’t know.

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Disillusioned November 3, 2015

I did just this. Sending emails and texts even after he had physically assaulted me and threatened to do me professional and reputational harm after I found out he had been cheating on me should I ever tell anyone about our relationship and what he did to me. He told me no one would believe me. Even when his new woman started harassing me and intimidating me at work I was hoping to salvage something. Get an explanation, an apology. I have moved 500 miles away now and still can’t believe the way I was manipulated and brainwashed over a 3 year period. Even when the police have investigated what happened to me, gave me a domestic violence worker which has helped me understand the abuse I experienced I find it hard to understand why I allowed myself to be manipulated. Even when I have seen the 16 pages of lies he wrote about me after I reported his abuse I still didn’t understand. Why would he lie? Why would he include in his lies evidence of him lying about me to his new woman and therefore showing me that the police were right that he manipulated the new woman into intimidating me. I stopped writing to him or contacting him in any way 3 months ago. Blocked him completely. But it is only now with physical distance that I can see the impact this man had on me. I was throwing up before going into work, scared of what he or she might do to me. I was scared to drive around my neighbourhood after she tailgated my car with him in the passenger seat smiling and me driving with.my child in the back of my car. I was scared to get out and live. Being physically away I feel free. I can walk without being scared I might see him. Drive without fear of someone driving recklessly and perhaps injuring me or my child. The panic alarm the police gave me for my house offered me reassurance but also made me anxious, if they gave me this then they knew I was at risk. Now I am free at home again. This journey or chapter has been an awful one. I am trying to move on and forget but flash backs to things he said and done that I thought odd come back to me. How he used sex to punish me. Words to upset me and control me. I am so angry at myself for being taken in by an expert manipulator and pathological liar. But I was. I have paid the price, I have uprooted my job,,house, childs school to escape. I am lucky that I have been able to do this, even though the physical (I’ve been ill for weeks) financial and emotional costs have been high. I am hoping I can now truly move on with my life free from fear, free from anxiety, free from the emotional, psychological, sexual and latterly physical abuse. He fits the blue print of an abuser, he groomed me, taught me to accept, be loyal, keep his secrets. I was dumb, that is the hard part for me. To realise just how dumb I was to put up with lies, deceit, crumbs. Then to miss it when he discarded me! To miss the abusive behaviours! To crave his physical presence, to be held, to have him to talk to, I loved him, people find that hard to understand, tell me I didn’t. But I loved the man I thought he was. The man who appeared vulnerable and in need of my support. The man who could make me feel amazing. But also amazingly bad.

Healing is slow and painful. I stopped looking at the web feeds until today when I realise I still need support and understanding from others who have been through similar traumatic events, I have made huge progress, but the scars are there and still hurt. Baring my soul to him after he abused me didn’t help, didn’t change anything. He ignored my emails. Instead had his new woman harass me. With him playing a pet too, Thank you kim, and to the many others who have shared their experiences which help people like me to take the different steps to move on and heal.

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Rainy October 28, 2015

Your insight always comes at a crucial point in time almost like you read minds. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

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    Kim Saeed October 29, 2015

    🙂 Thank you for letting me know my post helped you, Rainy! Wishing you all the best.

    Reply
Lisa October 28, 2015

Awesome again Kim!! Yes, your words are exactly what I have done and experienced and never knowing why until I made contact with You and your incredible insight and knowledge taught to me on this website! Thank you again Kim, you have helped me more than you know! 😉

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    Kim Saeed October 28, 2015

    So glad to know it, Lisa. Comments like yours give me inspiration! *hugs* <3

    Reply
      Lisa October 28, 2015

      You are my inspiration and made me a stronger, more knowledgeable woman! Huggs back to You <3

      Reply

i love the post today, Kim. I also love your new site 🙂

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    Kim Saeed October 28, 2015

    Wow, thank you so much, Lisa! 🙂

    Reply
LifeInAshes October 27, 2015

Great post, been there, done that (too many times to count). My narcissist ex’s favorite thing was to bait me with several text/e-mails in a row, making it look like he was desperate and in pain. All that just to get me to reply, and for him to see he still had some power over me. When I finally broke down and responded though, he’d put the dagger to my heart by completely vanishing and not reply to me anymore at all… And I would sink into a hole of despair and self-loathing. He is by far the most emotionally cruel person I’ve ever met in person. Stay strong everyone who is struggling! Stay No Contact. Healing thoughts//LifeInAshes

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Catherine Moyet October 27, 2015

Couldn’t agree more!!!

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Small Circle Big Circle October 27, 2015

gosh… I can relate to all of the above… thanks for the post and thanks to all for sharing the experiences

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Gmail October 27, 2015

Love this!!!!

Sent from my iPhone

>

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    Kim Saeed October 27, 2015

    Thank you 🙂

    Reply
jessiejg62690 October 27, 2015

I honestly feel like every time you post, its like you know what is going on in my life. I made the stupid impulsive mistake of breaking the no contact rule and regret it. Its been over a year since i ended it with my ex but it had not been an easy recovery. He has used me when no woman wpuld pay attention to him messed with my head and treated me like trash. And yet i still gave in and gave him the attention he wanted. I have moved on and found someone new, i went back to college, i am getting straight A’s…it is great and yet, i think about him constantly. I feel like it will take an eternity and a day to wake up and not care what he is doing or if he still thinks of me. The most recent occourence with this horrible person was in the beginning of june. I got a text from him that said something like “our love is too pure and deep to throw it away we should work on this” i told him i was seeing someone and he does not make me see why i should leave this new lifei am leading to go back with him he said “you are right” and we began to speak for a week. It wasnt anything romantic, i think he just wanted someone he knewwould care about his progression with tattooing and everythjng else hes been up to. Week two passes, week three passes…nothing. I knew what happened, he founda girlfriend. I toldhim thAt keeping incontact was very unhealthy for the progression of strengthing my well being and he says he wants the best for me, but then continues the vicious cycle. He told me “you are crazy, you must have done some deep snooping to find out since we havent posted anything on each others pages” i said i know your cycle i didn’t need to snoop. Low and behold it was an instagram girl that had followed and liked pictures of him and his art since day one of us being together, how funny. October, two years ago he asked me to marry him and although thats another disaster story, i still thought of it and it made me sad. So i gave in, i texted him something like i hate that october makes me think of when you asked me to marry you and this is where we are now….no answer, which if he did answer i honestly have no idea what i would say or do. Then this friday…i see he got married to someonehes o ly been dating since the end of June. My heart sank and so many emotions flew around my head i felt so sick. I stillfeel kinda weird about it but i also feel a relief and alsoat the sametime i hope that his marriage fails. Am i childish for thinking that?

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    Sarah October 27, 2015

    Hey Jessie (hope that’s your name),

    No I don’t think that’s childish of you to hope his marriage fails- because I can almost guarantee you 99.9% that it will, it’s just a matter of time. It takes at least two years to get to know a person fully. The bad, the good and in between and that’s when a person decides whether or not this other person is good for them or not. If your ex is a N, or even if he’s abusive- he has only married her in order to supply his needs and make sure that she stays under his constant control. You dodged that bullet. Could you imagine being married to him? Or worse yet, bringing children into this world with him? You and your future children deserve better than that. And frankly, you should feel sorry for this woman because now she’s gotta deal with his lies, abuse, manipulation and now will be his punching bag. And guess what? That leaves you FREE. I completely understand your heartbreak and the constant obsession of him taking over your mind. It’s as if you can’t enjoy life. But I promise you you will again. It all comes down to NC and time. Don’t beat yourself up for being a thoughtful and caring woman for wanting to reach out to him to find closure or an answer your heart feels it needs. Unfortunately, You’re just asking for it from a person who is incapable of realizing (or at least trying to) how his actions affect other people.
    I will tell you that October is a very hard month for me too. It was the month my ex N and I fell “in love”, it’s the month he cheated on me one year later, it’s the month he threw me across the room for questioning his messages on Facebook to other women and it’s the month that he asked if he had asked me to marry him, what would I say? Its extremely painful to think that if I had been with him and he was a kind, honest, normal and loyal man- that wow…we would have already been together for 4 years. We’d most likely be married and maybe a baby on the way.

    My point is, I feel your frustration, pain, anger and sadness as if it doesn’t even belong to me anymore. Him and I have done the “lets work on things” dance about 11 times and every time the abuse has gotten worse and worse. This last time was just 3 weeks ago and luckily I have become numb to the detachment process by now that I am down for about a week and then I’m feeling more like myself again. I thought I’d never hear from him again (as I always do) and just a week ago he called me twice from a blocked number and I declined the call. You come to a point that you just don’t give a f**k anymore and he will become a floating orb of nothingness in your mind. He becomes a flower that you can no longer smell. You feel nothing and that’s when you begin to do nothing when he calls. Because I can guarantee he will call you again. When his wife is moody, ill or dealing with an event that requires her to not focus on him 24/7- he will call and look for an ego boost or an ego stroke just to make sure that he is still considered a man. Because he knows he’s not a man. He is a child.

    From woman to woman I am telling you as I go on this journey, trusting in God, going to therapy and using my daily devotions- I have come so far but still have a ways to go. When he does reach out- that is your chance. Not to pour your heart out, not to ask questions, not to cry or scream-but to be completely silent. No response is the best response in this situation. He does not deserve to hear your voice, read your words or know anything about you at this point. What has helped me is by telling myself “if he is going to treat me as if I am dead and non-existent, then that’s EXACTLY what I’m Going to be.” I have buried him in my mind and I have to go on as if he doesn’t walk this earth (sounds morbid but it helps) and I am going to do the same. I am a silent ghost who has simply walked away and now there will be no sign of me to him. I have cut off any mutual friendships, I am careful who I tell my life too in order to not have it get back to him, I don’t plaster my emotions on social media and I am very careful about who I post pictures with because he may go after them (it’s happened before)…That “person” does not deserve to know a damn thing- even if it’s great. Be a ghost and quietly work on yourself and get YOU back to a good place. Talk only to people you trust and don’t waste any energy on prying into what he’s doing. Because I’m sure it’s not good and the more you know about him, the more it’s going to prolong your healing. Ignorance is bliss at this point. Trust me.

    I hope you don’t mind me being so blunt but it took many straight forward replies from members of this forum, loss of friendships and family members who have almost shook me to see the light in order to set me straight. I hope you don’t ever allow it to get to the point that you start losing people you love over this deadbeat of a man. Keep visiting, sign up for Kim’s emails, talk to us even if you can’t fully explain your emotions (we understand), talk to your higher power and know that any man (or woman) who makes you feel insignificant, who demeans you, who calls you names, who lies, cheats, uses and abuses you is only doing so because they hate who they are. It really IS as simple as that. It gives them power and joy to hurt others because they have empty souls. And it is not your responsibility to stick around and try to fix that- and this goes for any other abusive people you come across. I’m sure you also question how he can sleep around and jump from one woman to the next without even blinking- it’s because they are empty and they think “love”, sex or any other addiction he may have, will fill his gaping void. It won’t ever work. Just know that…That is up to him, therapy and God.

    Keep walking forward and don’t look back. You are in my prayers and don’t ever forget who you are and the potential you hold. Just because a person says you are worthless, doesn’t mean you are. No one else in this world defines our worth as we also can’t define anyone else as worthless. Wish him well through your spirit and wash your hands of him.

    Reply
      Kim Saeed November 1, 2015

      Thank you for your poignant and insightful comment, Sarah. Couldn’t have said it better myself <3

      Reply
      Angela November 17, 2015

      Wow, Sarah. You’re words were powerful. I still struggle to believe that I didn’t cause the demise of my relationship. It’s been 18 months of NC but it was only 2 months ago that I found info about NPD. It described my experience to the T. In that moment, I felt the heaviness from my chest rise and the prison door in my mind open. I feel lighter now even though I still have a lot of work to do. Thank you for your encouraging thoughts.

      Reply
      Maria November 30, 2015

      This was an amazing response Sarah! I also walk on the journey of moving forward from my ex narc. Unfortunately, I am “co-parenting” with him as we share a son together and I can’t implement a full no contact. However, similar to you Sarah, I have my eyes open and I am slowly finding myself again. I noticed his ways or words don’t affect as much anymore and I don’t care who he is dating or sleeping with as I know those women are also victims and will soon find out who he really. I thought it was impossible to feel happy again and peace. I am enjoying the silence and being away from him. I enjoying being a mom to my toddler even more now and I starting to just enjoy life itself again. I am not ready to date yet again as I want to full heal from all the damage and pain he caused me in three years. I was engaged to him as well and thought we would have a wonderful wedding and raise our wonderful son and live a wonderful life together. I had to learn to grieve that loss, those dreams I had. However, I am so glad that I never married him. He is a covert somatic and cheated and lied the whole entire relationship.

      Now he is trying to play the I want my family back card and keep me around while he dates his new supply. The funny thing is that he keeps denying to me that he is dating. He swears on his life that he is not dating anyone and is just spending time alone.

      I don’t fall for his lies anymore and I told him I don’t even care if you’re dating the entire world. One thing is for sure, I know I have more healing to do, but I feel so secure and 1000% sure that I will never ever go back to him or that misery life that I had with him. He is becoming less and less significant to me as the days go by. We broke up in May of this year and I moved to another state with my son in August and started a new life away from him. I only communicate regarding our son. I am more determined than ever to fall back into his web of deception and keep moving forward. I honestly believe he hates the fact that I am happy living life without him. I am enjoying getting to know myself again and loving myself again. Now when I truly smile, I actually feel it.

      Thank you Kim for your posts. Although, I normally don’t respond to all of them, I do read all of them and they have helped me tremendously through my journey.

      Reply
      Cindy L December 8, 2015

      Could not have said it better myself Sarah! And what’s really strange? October is also the month I met my Narc and the same month that one year later found him on a hook up site and we ‘officially’ broke up. But March, May and July are bad months to, since those were also “break up” months when he just wasn’t ‘feeling it’ anymore. So really, it’s not about ‘the month, the season, the holiday, the event’…. it’s about YOUR LIFE AS IT IS NOW! BETTER! HAPPIER! Perhaps even DRAMA FREE?? I feel so much lighter without his baggage. He had so much of it that it totally weighed me down (and I’m only 100 lbs)! lol. Seriously, I never knew what a Narc was until I went through hell and back, but “I’m back baby!” and he’s never gonna have the chance to weigh me down again!! Love and LIGHT to all!

      Reply
    Doreen October 28, 2015

    No, you are not childish Jessie and it will fail, it’s just a matter of time. You hope his relationship will fail because you do not want to feel like your relationship failed with him because of you and that he has now found a perfect match and has sailed off into the sunset, but honestly it is not because of you that the relationship failed, it was because of him, he treated you like trash, you think of him constantly because you feel you gave your power to him and naturally you want your power back. You did good to walk away in the first place and they usually try to come back when low on supply. He’s been dating someone since the end of June and now he’s married her, lol how mature, i mean honestly it’s so stupid, they hardly know one and other, it will fail, not just because they married before much time has passed but because of him, he will do to her the same as he did to you, you can count on it. Forgive yourself for texting him, we all have our weak moments, do not contact him again and ignore him if he contacts you, you do not need him to get your power back, with him you will never have your power back, i’m talking inner power but you will get it back by staying No Contact and also with the passing of time you will care less and less until there will be indifference. Also people feel other peoples energy if they are tuned in enough, when you feel indifferent to him and good enough in yourself and doing what you feel passionate about in your life, you won’t even need to tell him…he will feel it, all is energy and all is connected and he will feel it, but by then you won’t care 🙂

    Reply
      Kim Saeed October 29, 2015

      Excellent input, Doreen 🙂

      Reply
Jade Joddle October 27, 2015

Yep! I’ve been there. Then the toxic shame after!

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Pam October 27, 2015

This is exactly what i needed to read today as i alllllmost texted my ex last night, after a good cry and a good sleep and now reading this, i know that no matter what i say will not change a damn thing.

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    Kay Nicole October 30, 2015

    Yup. I was on the verge of texting him yesterday. 10/14 I texted him saying hi, after not speaking for month…no reply. I was going to text saying, “You know after spending 6 years with someone and asking them to marry you, you could take 2 seconds to say hello.” I didn’t.

    Reply
      Lisa October 30, 2015

      Kay Nicole – I have been through a similar situation as I had 5 years in and he also previously had asked me to marry him and after a situation arose that he created while we were on vacation, when we came home he chose not to talk to me for 3 weeks and I could not understand how someone could act that way until I read Kim’s blogs about NARCISSISTIC ABUSE. I now have much more insight as to how these people operate and go through life treating others. I am so glad you did not send him that text. Stay strong and good luck to you 😉

      Reply
      Kim Saeed October 30, 2015

      Yay for you!! 🙂

      Reply
Robbie October 27, 2015

Don’t do it … he’ll NEVER understand NEVER

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