The Insanely Jealous Narcissist

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Nov 16
Narcissists and Jealousy

It’s no secret that Narcissists are extreme control freaks.  They consider their partners, children, and flying monkeys as their personal possessions, to be used and manipulated for their own selfish needs and wants.  They insist on having their way in all interactions and almost always have an agenda.  Even seemingly innocent exchanges are often contrived and premeditated as a means to an end.

Failure to comply with the Narcissists’ point of view is considered an attack on their perceived superiority.  Anytime you voice concerns about their behaviors, you are considered problematic and you must make the necessary adjustments to pacify them.  Their sense of ownership is one reason why their abuse escalates as their relationships get more serious over the passage of time.  The longer you stay with a control-freak narcissist, the more he thinks of you as his personal property.

This possessiveness is the foundation of the narcissist’s mindset.  On some level, he truly feels he owns you and therefore has the right to treat you as he sees fit.  This becomes painfully obvious to his romantic partners, who become targets and outlets for the Narcissist’s insane jealousy.  Below, I explain the rationale behind the insanely jealous narcissist’s behaviors and dealings with his romantic partner(s).

Jealousy and Consuming Suspicion

Although not characteristic of every Jealous Narcissist, they do share many of the same core traits regarding their efforts at control, which typically commence with seemingly harmless care and concern.  So-called justifiable statements that a romantic partner may initially hear include:

  • I just care about you so much that I can’t bear being away from you for a minute!
  • I love you too much and that’s why I feel so jealous about you.
  • I’ve been cheated on before and I don’t want that to happen again.
  • If you come live with me, you can stop working so you can finish ________ (fill-in-the-blank).
  • I just don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression of you.

…and other such statements which, on the surface, hold a romantic nuance.  However, in spite of the sometimes cute and puppy dog-style allusions of these statements, they hold detrimental intentions.

Any possibility of a new significant other is a threat to the enmeshment and psychic influence the Jealous Narcissist holds over his partner.  In other words, if he believes another man is interested in her (or she in him), it could mean the end of his ownership over her, and therefore, the end of his all-consuming control.  However, it’s important to note that his jealousy isn’t always directed towards possible romantic rivals, but sometimes to any relationship his partner may have with other people, whether male or female.  This is because he wants her to be focused on his needs ONLY, and any attention given to other people is less attention given to him.

(This is also an under-handed method of isolation to take away any sources of support that might contribute to her attempts at independence when the relationship becomes toxic, which is inevitable in relationships with Narcissists, jealous or otherwise.)

Paradoxically, the most accusatory Narcissists are among the ones most likely to be cheating themselves.  This explains why they always search for evidence of their partner’s infidelity even though, in most cases, none is ever found.  In spite of his partner’s attempts at reassuring the Narcissist that she loves him and won’t cheat on him, they’re not enough to calm his consuming suspicions.  This can usually be ascribed to his own chronic infidelity, which is an indicator of his lack of ability to develop normal attachments with his partners.

When Jealousy Becomes Pathological                                                                                                      
While jealousy is normal and even healthy in conventional relationships, the kind of jealousy experienced by the Jealous Narcissist is largely pathological—also referred to as morbid jealousy or delusional jealousy.  According to Wikipedia[1], some of the symptoms of pathological jealousy include:

  • Accusing partner of looking or giving attention to other people.
  • Interrogation of phone calls, including wrong numbers or accidental phone calls, and all other forms of communication.
  • Going through the partner’s belongings.
  • Always asking where the partner is and whom they are with.
  • Isolating partner from their family and friends.
  • Not letting the partner have personal interests or hobbies outside the house.
  • Controlling the partner’s social circle.
  • Claiming the partner is having an affair when they withdraw or try to escape abuse.
  • Accusing the partner of having affairs when the marriage’s sexual activity stops because of the abuse.
  • Lack of trust.
  • Verbal and/or physical violence towards the partner, the individual whom is considered to be the rival, or both.
  • Blaming the partner and establishing an excuse for jealous behavior.

If your partner exhibits these signs of pathological jealousy, please know that there’s really nothing you can do to change his perspective.  If he exhibits a need for constant contact (constant texts, long and frequent phone calls, insists on attending all of your appointments and interviews, visits you at work, etc.) and panics or rages when he cannot contact you immediately, that is a very strong warning sign that speaks to severe distrust and an unhealthy attachment.

Trust is an essential ingredient to a healthy relationship.  You should feel comfortable around your partner and not have to constantly prove your credibility.  If you feel belittled or hurt when you’re around your partner, then your partner is most likely using manipulative tactics to keep you under his control.

Healing from a narcissistic relationship – What you can do

Narcissists know how to manipulate your vulnerabilities and sabotage anything that will alter the balance of power inside your relationship with them.   Recovery from the psychological, emotional, mental and spiritual abuse of narcissism is imperative for you to put yourself and your life back together.  If you’re feeling extremely broken, powerless and like you can’t take it anymore, you can access powerful help and relief.  

Grab your free questionnaire below and see how going No Contact could change your life!


**Please note that if you’ve engaged in these behaviors after discovering your narcissistic partner’s infidelities or have been a victim of triangulation, this does not make you a narcissist. However, if these behaviors describe you, your relationship is unhealthy and you may want to consider ending it.

Copyright © 2015 Kim Saeed. All Rights Reserved

(No gender bias was intended in the creation of this article.  The pronouns “he, his, and him” were used for ease of reading).

[1] Morbid jealousy. (2015, October 2). In Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Retrieved 21:27, November 16, 2015, fromhttps://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Morbid_jealousy&oldid=683791086

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(28) comments

Gina Diodati May 25, 2017

I laugh now thinking how insanely jealous my narc friend was. We weren’t even dating and he was married! For the love of god, he was out of control with jealously and of course, I cared about him so much and hate hurting anyone’s feelings, I slowly began to cave into his manipulation. It always starts off like this “I don’t want you talking to him. He’s Portuguese and you can’t trust them. They are scammers and cheats.” I’m sorry, I can’t even keep a straight face knowing now how pathetic that sounds but how pathetic I took his words to heart and stopped talking the that nice Portuguese man to please my N friend. It was always some excuse of why every single man that I liked or liked me was a “pickle” his terms. I tried to actually have a normal conversation with Narc friend about guys I’m interested in like I would with my “Normal male friends” but nooooo this is one of the very first red flags that I picked up on, the extreme jealousy he had for my other male friends. My first fight with him happened because he flipped out on my because I had “too many guy friends on facebook” again, I laugh now because he was married! I kept on telling him that I’m single and kept on questioning why he constantly gave me grief for talking to guys. Oh and the messenger, whenever he would see me “active” he would message me to ask why I was always active. The truth was I didn’t know how to turn off the active feature lol! So, jealous boy always thought I was chatting away with men. The funny thing is that whenever I saw him active on messenger (if I was chatting with someone else) he would immediately get off chat and become inactive. Hmmm, married narc boy was chatting up some supply and was busted! At the time of course, I had NO IDEA I was friends with the devil and didn’t know what narcissistic personality disorder was. It gets better….

So I unfriend about a thousand men from my friend list to appease him. Why? I was going through my first silent treatment with him and I was desperate to win him back. I was devastated and thought if I showed him I can get rid of some of my guy friends, he would talk to me again…laughing now. Time passes and I get that hoover “happy valentines day” message from him after being in a silent treatment. I jump right on that like white on rice and I’m hooked back in again for another round of manipulation and abuse. We hung out and he saw that a few men were sending me messages and he yelled when I looked at my phone “Oh, they are more important?” What? I felt bad for him because I really didn’t want to upset him. But, he was always jealous constantly and he was soooooooooooooooo annoying about it. Poor insecure man.

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Kay October 9, 2016

The narcissist in my life is constantly accusing me of being jealous and insecure. I have gone no contact, refuse to talk to this person. But the person will see friends or people who are close to me and vent about how I am crazy. They make up lies about me, say I am Doug all these crazy things – THAT I AM NOT. I am just trying live my life and avoid this horrible person who has caused me stress, anxiety, depression, and fear of the world in general. This all started about 7 years ago. I am not the person I use to be. I do not see the light and beauty in the world anymore. The world seems cold and ugly. Finally once I realized what I was dealing with (which I believed to be a narcissist or a sociopath) I researched information online how to handle this person. No contact, not reacting, not looking at their social media accounts to see what lies they were saying about me next – seemed to be the best way to handle an individual like this. After a year of no contact and completely cutting this person out of my life, things seemed to he better. I started feeling like I could keave my house. I joined a local tennis league and met some wonderful ladies who i have become close friends with some.
But still I am hesitant about people in general now but I still wonder when i go places, if new people i meet have heard any lies and digusting things about me that the sociopath has said. The situation with this person has truly affected me and my soul. But for about 2 1/2 years, I heard nothing from the sociopath. I was finally feeling good and getting my self esteem back. Now as of recently this person for no reason has stated again with the taking about me to others. A friend called and ask what was going on, because ******* was telling her how I had gone off the deep end, I was insecure, jealous and unstable. This is coming out of nowhere. I don’t know if my sociopath got bored and just saw someone they know I know and said this stuff because they new it would get back to me. But I want to know when will this person ever stop. Will they ever stop talking about me. Spreading lies to people to portray me as unstable and insecure. I have done everything I can to avoid this person. I don’t talk about them to anyone, unless someone ask, because they have heard the rumors. If I could move far away I would. But I can’t. It just isn’t financially possible and Ihave a 12 year old daughter who likes her school and has friends and moving just isn’t something that I can do. But now that the sociopath is back to spreading lies and rumors I feel like I did 5 years ago. Helpless, angry, frustrated, anxious and defeated. I did mess up by looking at their social media recently – only to see every twitter post was about me and was evening mentioning my name on Facebook. I just want to be left alone!

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Alister November 20, 2015

thanks for the article kim. i felt that i am the narc myself cz recently i have been very jealous. i suspect that my fiance is cheating on me. i have a kid he has accepted from a previous relationship and i always feel that if i let him go i will confuse my son since he is the only father he has known and i will never get married. his family like me but problem is that he uses my past and exes as an exuse of not being sure about the future of our relationship. he shows no emotion towards me. we always have issues which end up unsolved cz he wont give a straight answer to anything. his responses are always “i dont know, am not sure, maybe, i will think about it” should i stay and try to work things out or do i leave? i need help please

Reply
    Kim Saeed November 28, 2015

    Hi Alister, thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. I am sorry for what you are going through and I hope to help clear some things up for you. First, my Ex also tried the whole, “you’ve had previous relationships so I don’t know if I should commit to you” spiel. Narcissists often LOVE to find single women who have children from previous relationships because they can use this situation to avoid commitment. In this way, they can keep us strung along with no real plans for the future while they pretend to go back and forth with uncertainty.

    Second, I used to believe that no one else would want me because I was getting older and have children, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth. I have no doubt that if you were to leave this guy that you would eventually find someone who would truly care about you, but you’d want to make sure you established healthy boundaries so that no one could take advantage of you like your current fiance seems to be doing. By the way, if you believe he is cheating and have evidence of that, it would be in your best interest to leave. Last but not least, your child may grow up believing that male partners are supposed to be emotionless and unwilling to commit. (By the way, his not wanting to give you a straight answer is a classic trick of narcissists).

    Hope that helps! Best of luck, Alister.

    Reply
Yttrium November 17, 2015

My ex Narc was insanely jealous of previous relationships that were over a long time ago, with people I no longer saw. He was jealous of the fact I wasn’t a virgin when I met him (I was 27). I think it was quite childish of him. He tried to make me feel responsible for his jealousy and said it was only natural for a man to feel that way. I told him to leave me and go find a virgin if he needed one so badly. He preferred to guilt trip me about my past instead. It was an easy power play not a genuine angst about my past: try to make me feel bad about something inconsequential that I cannot ever ‘fix’.

I feel a touch embarrassed writing about all this, because in retrospect it sounds ridiculous and it was a huge red flag. I never flirted with other men, even harmless elderly men. I stopped going out dancing with girl friends. I never socialized with men without my Narc being present. I feel compelled to share the lengths a Narcissist will go to in order to rationalize his jealousy, even when he’s with a woman who is chaste and extremely proper.

The irony is he cheated on me for months (probably years), lied about it, and hid it from me. I discovered the affair by accident. The other woman and I had to be in the same room together, confronting our Narc, before the Narc would admit the cheating! Even then he tried to lie, diminish, and spin doctor reality with both of us standing in front of him, jamming him up.

Over the years he also cultivated intensely intimate personal relationships with other women, some of whom had the balls to try to put me down and blatantly compete with me for his attention. I refused to engage with them in a fool’s triangle.

Over and over, I tried to get my Narc to understand what he was doing was hurtful. He knew full well and was just playing dumb! Sorry, got off topic a bit, but the two things — jealousy and cheating — are still mixed up in my head.

Reply
    Kim Saeed November 28, 2015

    Hi Yttrium. Thank you for sharing your story — please don’t be embarrassed by what happened to you because it’s actually quite common. I was also very reserved, honest, and virtuous, but my Ex never gave me credit for it. On the contrary, he was insanely jealous and tried to control my clothes, makeup, and would even come into the bank where I worked to try to “catch” me talking to men–which was bound to happen being that I worked in the public sector and was the branch manager at that time.

    I am not surprised to learn your Ex cheated on you the whole time. The ones who are extremely jealous are often that way because they are being unfaithful and they project their crooked behaviors onto us.

    I am happy to know you busted your Ex in such a victorious way. Kudos to you for kicking him to the curb 🙂 You rock!

    Reply
Constance November 17, 2015

Reblogged this on thephoenixagain.

Reply
    Kim Saeed November 17, 2015

    Thank you for the re-blog! <3

    Reply
Ariadne November 17, 2015

Amazing how this article hits the bulls eye for me. Thank you Kim.

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    Kim Saeed November 17, 2015

    Thank YOU for stopping by, Ariadne!

    Reply
cherie mccarthy November 17, 2015

I dnt know if I am with a narcissits man or not. I am going crazy

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    Kim Saeed November 28, 2015

    If you feel you are going crazy, it’s quite possible you are with a narcissist.

    Reply
MovingOnSlowlyandPainfully November 17, 2015

I just started NC … again. He dumped me more than 10 times in the past year and a half. Always because he would cheat, beg for forgiveness, I would grant it but still be angry for a few weeks after the cheating, and then he’d punish me for months afterwards bringing up the arguments I caused because of the cheating and dump me because he ‘couldn’t do this anymore’…

The longest he ever stayed away was 4 weeks. I was ready to move on, made plans to go for a month to another country to recharge. The day before I left he came back. Said he would come and visit me in that country for a week. Sweet texts and constant contact while I was away.

Then his ex contacted me to say that the day before he left to see me, he cheated on me with her. I confronted him when he arrived, but again he was full of remorse, full of ‘I only love you, I only want you’s. I forgave again – had one meltdown but got over it. This was in August.

Last week he dumped me again because he couldn’t forgive me for that meltdown. And he found out that he had an STD. I contacted the ex to tell her because he refused and I felt it was the right thing to do. Now he says I betrayed him, that I am a horrible person. Picked an argument over why I ‘was speaking to her’ at all. And dumped me again.

Deep down I feel he was just angry that I might have ruined his backup plan by telling the ex. I know that’s all there is. And it hurts so much 🙁

Not to mention that he found a message on FB that I sent to a long-term male friend of mine asking to go out for a drink. That friend and I had a fling years ago, but we’re just friends. And the Narc and I were broken up (because he dumped me) when I sent that message. The jealous rage was unbelievable. He would go through my phone and accuse me of any number that he did not recognise to be one of my exes. All the while he was the only one shagging exes…

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    Kim Saeed November 17, 2015

    Wow, MovingOnSlowly, thank you for sharing your experience. I’m sorry that happened to you, but so happy to know you’re moving on. I hope you’ll take great care of yourself. You deserve it <3

    Reply
      MovingOnSlowlyandPainfully November 17, 2015

      Thank you for your words and for this site. What really got me this time is when he said that I could have at least told her that ‘I’ had the STD, not him (I don’t, thank God!). This made me feel like I am just a pawn in his game to keep his chances with the ex. Despite the cheating, the lies – this was the moment I felt more humiliated than ever before.

      I am reading all your entries, it is still early days so it really helps. I hope that soon I won’t obsessively read everything on NPD…

      Reply
Maria DCosta November 17, 2015

Dear Kim .. I love your articles and I read them all.. this one was a bit upsetting because all the sentences and description about being insanely jealous.. this was me in our relationship… 🙁 Does this mean I might be the narcissist? I always thought I was this jealous and insecure because of the way he acted around women… Thank you for all the work you doMaria

Date: Mon, 16 Nov 2015 23:27:47 +0000 To: mariadcosta3@hotmail.com

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    Kim Saeed November 17, 2015

    Hi Maria — No, what you’re describing is most likely a common symptom of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, meaning that you acted in those ways because you never felt emotionally safe with the guy. If he gave you any clues that he was flirting or seeing other women, then anyone in your shoes would be suspicious. Hope that helps <3

    Reply
Lynette d'Arty-Cross November 16, 2015

Thanks for this great post – my ex-narcissist only demonstrated some of these characteristics, but he managed to create absolute havoc with his “jealousy.”

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    Kim Saeed November 17, 2015

    Gosh, I can relate, Lynette. Looking back, I can hardly believe I tolerated the Ex’s jealous fits…

    Reply
wotzina November 16, 2015

I wish I knew this before. I have survived. I’m out. With posts like this, I get clearer that it wasn’t my fault. Thank you

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Anonymous November 16, 2015

As always Kim, your writing is therapeutic. Even though I haven’t heard from my ex/narcissist in two years, I have to mentally keep myself between the ditches and keep up the no contact. Thanks,
Heidi Murphy.

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    Kim Saeed November 28, 2015

    Thank you for your kind praise and for sharing a bit of your story. Wishing you all the best in maintaining No Contact 🙂

    Reply
      Dina January 24, 2016

      Hello kim, i would like to know why narcsisst after silence treatment will call you from block number and not speak?

      Reply
        Kim Saeed January 29, 2016

        Hi Dina, the short answer is…that’s just what they do. I would advise blocking him from being able to call you because otherwise, he is able to call and interrupt your life at will. Wishing you the very best!

        Reply
forest9patrol November 16, 2015

Reblogged this on Booksbyjameswnelson and commented:
Nothing to add…wish I could….

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Karin November 16, 2015

Gah! I. Can’t. Even.
Narc was insanely jealous to the point, I couldn’t be fully engaged in my Grandmother’s 95th birthday because… obviously, I’m going to hooking up with some guy at my Mother’s house between presents and birthday cake!

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    Kim Saeed November 16, 2015

    Karin, my Ex called me a whore on the day of my grandmother’s funeral because I’d put on a skirt and dress shoes.

    He also accused me of having affairs with my good friend’s teenage sons when I’d go visit her.

    Just crazy!!

    Reply
      Karin November 16, 2015

      It’s so bizarre to think that this was our lives at one time, isn’t it? Sometimes, it’s like remembering a really bad movie other than no one could make this stuff up!

      Reply
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