Til the Bitter End – A Sociopath’s 11th Hour Confessions

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Dec 02

For those of you who are riding the fence about whether to forgive your partner–yet again–for the lies and deception, please read the following real-life account from a LMR Facebook warrior who couldn’t deny her pain any longer…

~Written by The Dancing Gazelle

Today is the anniversary of his death, and the anniversary of the second worst year of my life. It took 10 excruciating months for my then beloved husband of 18 years to die from cancer, as I struggled alone to take care of him and work every day.

Six months after the diagnosis, he decided to confess–over a period of two months with daily changing stories–that he had cheated on me for the entire marriage, mostly with men. He had accomplished this on our one opposite day off. He had spent every evening at home with me and showered me every day with verbal “I love yous.” He told me often that I was the most wonderful person he’d ever met.

I realized, with horror, that he was “confessing” only out of his terror of possible divine retribution in the afterlife, because he showed no empathy, compassion or guilt for my unbearable emotional anguish. I also realized that I had been living for 18 years with a sociopath.

He was just a wonderful picture that he had painted of himself. He told me that he had realized as a child that other people experienced empathy, something he did not personally understand. He learned to mimic it very well, however. He looked at me, desperately, and said, “I want to be like you.” I think he meant that he wanted to be human.

I finally decided I would have to put my feelings aside, care for him until he died, and then put myself back together after he was gone. He died three months later, adored by his friends who had also bought his charming personality and larger than life embellished stories of himself, a number of which were not embellishments at all but outright lies. (“I always had a problem with lying,” he said.) I had known all along that he had a propensity for bragging and lying, which he always denied, of course, but I thought he was just a flawed human being, as most of us are. I had blinded myself to the enormity of his dishonesty.

Thirteen years earlier I had gone to a marriage counselor, using words such as gaslighting, dishonesty and covert aggression, and my suspicions of his occasional adultery. The counselor also talked to him alone. The counselor then told me to “take everything at face value,” and told me that I could either stay or go, but if I stayed, I would need to accept him as he was.

“What he learned in childhood,” the counselor said, “was to never tell the truth.” The counselor then suggested that he only counsel me. I believe now that he “made” him as a sociopath, but for whatever reason, decided to keep it to himself. I wish now that the counselor would have screamed that information at me.

Since he and I got along harmoniously as long as I never confronted him with his dishonesty, and because I could not muster the energy and the financial resources to completely disrupt my life by starting completely over, I took the counselor’s advice. Once or twice a year, I knocked on the brick wall and fought with him, realized I was wasting my time trying to confront a pathological liar, and settled back into thinking positive thoughts. I learned how to be happy in the Land of Denial.

After he died, I had to confront what he was and also weather my incredible rage at myself for flushing almost 19 years down a toilet. The more reading I did, the more I realized that his behaviors were textbook Cluster B behaviors. If only I’d found that information years ago instead of my “counselor.”

I discovered he was still lying when he died, and that he’d been lying to and conning everybody within close proximity most of his life. I couldn’t have a memorial service for him because it would have been nothing but mythology.

After some months and much searching for comprehensible help, dear Kim, I found your book and your blog. I took your advice, and applied “No Contact” to all the Kool Aid drinkers still lionizing him posthumously. That was the beginning of my true recovery, which I struggled with sometimes moment by moment as I rode the waves of self-recrimination, anger at him and myself, and grieving the loss of so many years of my life. “I cannot thank you enough. And I urge others who are involved with this type of person to walk away, no matter what else you might lose, as quickly as possible.

They will not change. They will suck you dry of your very soul. You can get another job, or another house. You can get new friends. Your true friends have probably seen him (or her) all along for what he is. You cannot get your years back. Count your losses and move on with whatever life you have left. Start to believe in yourself and learn the meaning of true freedom.

Healing from narcissistic abuse?  Join the Let Me Reach Facebook Community!

Join the Let Me Reach Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Project.  Click here to donate now!  Your donation will keep the LMR headquarters running smoothly while Kim implements rocking changes for the narcissistic abuse community for 2016!  Details are located on the campaign page.

Your Healing Toolkit

Jpg_healing_toolbox_rs_for_ck

Join thousands of others who are getting weekly updates, healing tips, and empowered living advice - and receive instant access to:

The Beginner's Healing Toolkit! Start healing from Narcissistic Abuse now!

Powered by ConvertKit

Leave a Comment:

(37) comments

Louise January 6, 2016

I’m so in need of some help – guidance. I didn’t know where to turn so I searched the internet and came upon this article which totally hit home with me. There’s no doubt my husband of six years is a narcissist/sociopath. I came to this realization three years ago. Too many stories/incidents to share on here. I actually bought a house and started moving out. We have no children together so it was quite easy in the sense that nothing ties us together. However, I’m still with him because … well, he has me second-guessing myself. He cried. Begged me to stay. Didn’t want me to leave. But even though I’m still with him, I still have the house I bought three years ago … it’s like my safety net. The past three months he has been over-the-top nice. Doing things and suggesting things that he has never done or said in the past six years. He’s being the most wonderful guy … a woman’s dream. I have no clue what has triggered this out-of-character behavior with him. My dilemma – my confusion – my craziness … has he changed? is he truly trying to keep the marriage together? does he really love me? is he really trying/wanting to be a better person? If/when I leave , I need to do it with a clean conscious that I was not being overly sensitive, etc.

Reply
    Natalie January 29, 2017

    That is what Narcissists do to suck you back in when they think you are leaving. They despise being alone and will do anything to get you to stay. It is all a trick. They will return to treating you badly in no time.

    Leave him. Clear your head and you will start to see that it wasn’t all your fault like they would like he would like you to believe.

    You will have to block him completely and be strong. Make a list of all the horrible things he has done to you and read it when you feel like contacting you.

    Remember; Narcissists are not even capable of love. They are self centered and void of true emotion.

    When you leave them. They will go crazy trying to get revenge. Don’t fall back into their games. You can do it! You deserve someone who treats you right! 🙂

    Reply
Sally Negus January 5, 2016

Great article…Kim, I believe your main, if only experiences with NPD/s has been with a man…Have you had much experience if only in your position having had mainly or only dealt with this disorder via your marriage/s etc. I married a man who I now believe was a combo of NPD, Anti-social PD, Sociopath etc etc.. I was 20, never had had a boyfriend (12 years Catholic school…eeek!!), and he saw me coming 10 miles away..(he was 13 yrs my senior and had been married 2X before..had a BIG story…of course..you know the drill) …. My ? is I had a daughter and a son..now 37 and 36 years old…Very very good looking, son 160 IQ, Daughter gorgeous, artistic (I know she is Borderline)…lest I go on and on.. Have not seen daughter in 6 years, and I had to file a Child in need of services for my son at the age of 14 as he thought at that time he should be able to live his own life…The point is…I raised my children with love, stability..my family was a great support etc… The BOTH ended up, starting in the early teens…just acting out, and displaying total disrespect..it goes on and on..I’m fine, thanks to people like you, reading, and understanding what this is.. Their father abandoned them when they were 3 and 1….They essentially had no real association,,yet so sad to see..the sins of the father were revisited on the children..In my experience nature trumped nurture in a HUGE MAJOR way…I have met other people, both men and women..who had children with one of these Cluster B individuals, and most have had at least on child who “turned out” like the disordered parent…This is an issue and needs to be talked about, if for no other reason as to help parents with this issue to assuage any guilt or shame they may harbor …Thank you and sorry for the long post…

Reply
    Kim Saeed January 6, 2016

    Hi Sally, thank you for stopping by and sharing. Well, to answer your first question, I had some experience with a female narcissist as my Ex’s sister was actually worse than him. When he left the country, she then started stalking and harassing me in his place (he and I share a son). I’ve also heard very disturbing recounts of what female narcs are capable of through my male clients. To address your second topic, yes…it is now known that both nature and nurture play a part in the development of Cluster-B disorders. There are very specific brain abnormalities in the ones who were “born that way”, but the disorders can also develop through environmental factors. The fact that they were abandoned by their father so young no doubt had an affect on both of them (abandonment issues). I agree, more needs to be studied and addressed in this area and I have a feeling it will be. Wishing you the best <3

    Reply
      Sally Negus January 10, 2016

      Thank you for your reply Kim….Onward and upward, and thankfully this issue is being talked about and more people will have support and understanding around and about these sad souls…so as to move on quickly, or better yet, avert a disastrous situation before it starts…

      Reply
Tracey December 26, 2015

Thank you for this site. You are wonderful and only a week since breakup and for good this time and I’m realising just how dangerous and damaged these Narcs are and that it will never ever get better only worse.

.

Reply
    Kim Saeed December 27, 2015

    Hi Tracey! Thank you for your kind praise regarding my site. Wishing you the very best in moving forward towards your best life <3

    Reply

[…] Til the Bitter End – A Sociopath's 11th Hour Confessions […]

Reply
Shelley Snowgold December 4, 2015

I read your story, I totally understand. My problem is I have a son with my ex. And 8 years later we are still fighting in court. Please someone give me some direction. No contact would be a godsend, but we have a child together. What do I do-be financially be ruined by court costs? Give him my son over full custody and pay him child support? HOW Does it end for people like us? –can it? Any comments or help would be of great assistance. Thank you–shelley

Reply
    Kim Saeed December 5, 2015

    Hi Shelley. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I have shared custody with my Ex, so I know how difficult it can be. What’s going on in the courts? How is he harassing you? If you could elaborate a bit, I might be able to provide some insight <3

    Reply
Colleen McKinstrie December 4, 2015

This is profound. Thank you for your strength & vulnerabilty. Incredible.

Reply
    Kim Saeed December 4, 2015

    Thank you for your kind praise, Colleen. I hope the author sees it, as this was a guest post <3

    Reply
      The Dancing Gazelle December 4, 2015

      Yes, I’ve seen the posts but am waiting a bit to thank the people who’ve responded, as writing this has resurrected a number of painful memories. I thank you so much, Kim, for posting this on your blog, which, along with your No Contact book, has helped me so much as I recover. I posted the link on my FB page for half a day yesterday, then deleted it. My late husband had/has many Flying Monkeys, and they would rip me apart if given the chance to defend his sainthood. Some are just people to whom he was successful in selling his faux persona. Others are married and unmarried male playmates who were/are as deep in the closet as he was. The way I survived living with him for the last 14 years of the marriage was by refusing to associate with any of his friends or co-workers. I learned from experience during the first four years of the marriage that he was skilled in using Flying Monkeys as attack dogs. He always denied this, of course. He blamed his friends’ unwarranted hostility towards me and snide remarks on their having “personal problems with women” that had nothing to do with him. He never apologized or took responsibility for any of his actions in the 18+ years I knew him. After he “confessed,” he blamed his hedonistic double life on “being possessed by the devil.” So in the end, he remained as innocent as he had lived. The devil made him do it.

      Reply
To the Bitter End – A Sociopath’s 11th Hour Confessions | firstnamelastnamerson's Blog December 4, 2015

[…] http://letmereach.com/2015/12/02/to-the-bitter-end-a-sociopaths-11th-hour-confessions/ […]

Reply
nevereveragain December 3, 2015

Wow. Thank you for sharing. <3

Reply
Anar December 3, 2015

Thank you for yet another reminder of the reasons for not going back after implementing no contact. There is nothing to forgive: they are not trully repentant. All we’ll end up doing is adding more years to being miserable. Break free and stay free! Thank you so much Kim! You have helped me enormously.

Reply
    Kim Saeed December 15, 2015

    Thank you, Anar, for your kind praise regarding my site. I am also very glad that this post gave you a boost. It was a guest post and the author is a very talented writer. I hope she sees your comment <3

    Reply
survivednarc December 3, 2015

Thanks for sharing this story, and I hope you can heal more and more with time and distance. I shuddered when I read the words he said: “I want to be like you”. That’s the exact words my narcissistic ex used. It is uncanny that they have so many similarities, even down to the exact wording, sometimes. I wish you all the best for the future! Hugs//Survived

Reply
Sarah December 3, 2015

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It takes a great amount of courage to tell our stories and I hope that you telling yours will suspend you into a greater amount of healing.

I am afraid that these people will only tell the truth and be honest for once in their lives when it is too late… Sort of a last ditch effort for repentance for their evil ways. God will now do the final judgment for his soul and maybe now his soul is at ease. These people live in a great deal of pain, but I sure wish they didn’t have to bring anyone else into it. It never was our place to take care of them, but God bless you for doing the most honorable act anyone can do- taking care of another person when they can’t do it themselves. Now go love yourself. Good luck on your journey of healing, beloved. You’re going to be just fine.

“A man who refuses to listen, is a man who refuses to change”- anonymous.

Reply
Anonymous December 3, 2015

I so agree. Walk away for your sanity and health. I’ve been through this hell for the last five years. We divorced, he came back, we broke up continuously, and he comes back. We’ve been broken up for a month and a week now, and I’m still trying to keep myself together. I Lost my family, friends, almost my kids and my sanity with him. He always promised he changed. Guess what? Just like my counselor said….they can’t. My stipulation every time we got back together was couples counseling. He always agreed. Once I went back to him, it never happened. We couldn’t discuss anything. We were married, divorced, engaged again, and he started seeing someone 6 days after we broke up. He normally gets on a dating site as soon as we break up and is still on it while he’s asking me back. She’s younger, meeker, someone he can possibly control more. Everyone that is close to me that has met him hates him, says he’s shady, a jerk. He didn’t charm them like he did me. They weren’t his target. I was. I’m in my forties, alone, and I’m trying to get over this trauma bond we have. If you are away from this type of person, don’t go back, no matter what they say. They are incapable of change. Do your research instead and strengthen yourself…..for your sanity and your health.

Reply
    The Dancing Gazelle December 4, 2015

    For your sake, I hope you can pull yourself away. I know how strong thst trauma bond can be. And so does your husband. God bless you.

    Reply
Lynette d'Arty-Cross December 3, 2015

An amazing story. And it’s amazing what we will put up with sometimes. Thanks for sharing.

Reply
denny December 3, 2015

I just want to commend you and thank you for sharing your story. What I learn on Kim’s site is how beautiful the minds are of all us victims. How human beings are so compassionate, understanding and forgiving in the midst of these selfish devils. This is one of the best posts I have ever read and am so happy for you that you made lemonade out pf lemons and your life is getting back to normal. God Bless you and thank you for sharing !

Reply
jarwithaheavylid December 3, 2015

Beautiful.

Reply
Regan December 2, 2015

thank you for sharing your story . It is helpful – I can relate in many ways and need to hold onto no contact like it’s my lifeline for now – it’s only day 3 day one if you count me having to tell him not to contact me ever again in any way. And no days if you count me talking to the people drinking the cool-aid

Reply
Evelyn Ryan December 2, 2015

Truth is like gold. It can tarnish but with polishing, the luster returns. Lies are like turd. You cannot polish a turd but you can roll it in glitter nevertheless it is still a turd…go for the real gold and leave the turds for the sewer.

Reply
lea December 2, 2015

How does one deal with their children idolizing and adoring the sociopath?

Reply
    Peter January 31, 2016

    And Lea, what kind of mother tells her son that his father didn’t want him born? When in reality it was the best
    moment in my life, all of us together in
    The birthing pool?

    Reply
      Kim Saeed January 31, 2016

      Peter, you’ll definitely need to see an attorney. In my last response to your other comment, I mentioned you can file custody papers on your own, but she sounds like one of the sadistic she-devils that my male clients have had to deal with. Sounds to me that she is working on alienating you and your son from one another. Next, she may try to build a case against you and take your son away, all designed to get lifetime child support while you have little chance of having a normal relationship with him ever again. I would also recommend getting your son into counseling as soon as you can. Let your attorney know she is saying these things to him so you can try to get the Judge on your side. If you can prove that being with her is detrimental to your son’s well-being, you might be able to get primary custody, but doing that would require your son getting a counselor and that determination would have to come from that therapist. Don’t let any feelings you may still have for her cloud your judgement because she’ll just use them to further pry your son away from you, which to her would be the ultimate emotional injury to you…

      Reply
      Lea January 31, 2016

      Peter, to me she doesn’t sound like a mother at all. Seek legal counsel first a foremost. Secondly, you remain the loving father, loving parents do not tell their children they were not wanted. I know its hard trust me on that. You be the father that is loving and caring. Do not speak ill of her, I realize that is hard. And I believe even though the walk is hard kids do figure it out.

      Reply
Heart Shaped Eyes December 2, 2015

Wow! And very helpful, thank you…

Reply
Ro December 2, 2015

You are indeed human in the truest form. God speed for your life to be the authentic life it is meant to be.

Reply
Dawn December 2, 2015

I also was wondering if he says he does not take my opinions into account if that indicates narcissism?

Reply
Dawn December 2, 2015

I’m not sure if my bf is a narcissist or not. I have discovered that my bf looks at porn and very disturbing images all of the time. He has made it clear that he looks at women, but has no intention of changing that. He has said I can either believe he looks but won’t cheat and I need to accept it. He says he has a sex addiction. We get along well in every other aspect. What should I think or do?

Reply
robertmgoldstein December 2, 2015

Astonishing.

Reply
    Kim Saeed December 2, 2015

    Indeed.

    Reply
      Pamela December 2, 2015

      Beautifully written. Almost my story. It took me 60 years but I made it also. They do not change & feel superior forever. It’s a total waste of time, but that was the point of it to deceive you until the last breath. Then they can strike from the grave if they planned it well. Again, pure evil. Peace to you.

      Reply
Add Your Reply

Leave a Comment: