If you’ve tried going No Contact or have undergone numerous cycles of being discarded by your toxic partner, then you’ve likely experienced this scenario:
You’ve made it through four days of No Contact and are feeling pretty good about yourself and the future. For that reason, you’ve planned an outing with a friend with whom you’ve rekindled your relationship after a long stint of isolation forced upon you by the narcissist.
You’re picking out your outfit when your cell phone vibrates. You look at the incoming message. It’s from the Narc.
You feel slightly nauseated as you realize the Narc isn’t giving up so easily. You decide to ignore the text and continue getting ready for the evening.
Later at dinner, you’re laughing it up and talking about old times with your long-lost pal when you detect another buzz from your cell phone. Against your better judgement, you look at it.
That’s funny, the last time you and the Narc had spoken about marriage, they told you – for your own good, of course – how you weren’t good marriage material…or even good relationship material, for that matter. Believing you’re still holding strong, you put your phone away–but you can’t seem to stop thinking about wedding invitations and a trip to St. Martin for your honeymoon–all while your friend talks about how great their New York cheesecake is.
At bedtime, you switch on your favorite comedy show, trying to forget the recurring thoughts of how you’re not getting any younger and marriage is beginning to seem like a distant pipe dream. Your phone vibrates as if on cue:
Their Ex??? The one they’ve been cheating on you with for the past six months??? How dare they? You pick up your phone in a rage and tap out a scathing reply, barely able to say enough bad things to your Ex about what a jerk they are.
The Narc pulled the lever and got a reward.
Bear in mind, narcissists don’t care if your interactions with them are civil or not…good or bad, they just want a reaction from you. This shows them that they are still in your mind and it’s only a matter of time before you respond to their text hoovering. What’s more, texting is the simplest and quickest way for them to continue wheedling themselves into every crevice of your psyche.
Let’s not forget why you implemented No Contact to begin with. They were CHEATING on you. They were abusing you; killing your spirit more each day. Don’t let your feelings of abandonment and betrayal cloud your judgement – which is easy to do and also why blocking the Narcissist by any means is crucial when you want to sever the relationship.
Change your phone number and email address if need be. Do WHATEVER it takes because any sliver of contact is all the Narcissist needs in order to know they can get you back under their control and manipulative, abusive regime.
What to do:
Find a way to completely block the Narc – whether you do it alone, or with the help of a trusted friend. You may even be able to block them through your service provider. If so, let someone else be in charge of the password.
Don’t spend too much time researching all the hundreds of behaviors and sub-categories of your toxic Ex’s disorder. Instead, research transformational healing methods and begin experimenting with them.
(If you believe you may be depressed and/or experiencing symptoms of PTSD, seek the services of a licensed therapist.)
Lastly, if you share custody with the Narcissist, you can implement a strict form of modified contact. In most states, you only have to have one way for the other parent to contact you regarding children that you share. Insist on email communications and end the ‘He Said/She Said’ with a supervised email system, such as Our Family Wizard.
Can you win against a narcissist? Yes, as long as you don’t hand over a colossal fortune by responding to their epic tomfoolery. Keep those lines of communication blocked.
Copyright 2015 Let Me Reach and Kim Saeed
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