Should I Enlighten the New Girl about the Narcissist?

By Kim Saeed | Break-Ups

Mar 14

Each of us who’ve gone through the ordeal of narcissistic abuse often bewail how we wish someone had told us about the narcissist before we got in too deep.  If only we could go back in time and end the relationship before the damage occurred.  Oh how our lives might be different if only someone had approached us and explained the hazards of being involved with a narcissist.

While it may be true that we might have been saved from the drama and trauma, the truth is we say such things in hindsight, which the new girl (or guy) doesn’t yet have.

Would we have taken a total stranger’s word to heart concerning our Prince Charming?  Even if there had been red flags that pointed to danger ahead, many of us would have believed the narcissist’s claims that his Ex is a vengeful, dysfunctional basket case bent on ruining his life…because let’s face it, we were being love-bombed and it felt like nothing we’d ever experienced.

Of course his Ex wouldn’t be happy about her old flame’s newfound happiness with us, right?

While it’s tempting to call a meeting with the new girl and save her from the perils of narcissistic abuse, below are things to consider before making what might be a ghastly mistake that could blow up in your face.

It often leads to further invalidation

Generally, the outcome of informing the new girl rarely plays out in real life like it does in your mind.  In your imagination, you envision the new girl thanking you profusely for rescuing her from sure destruction, but what typically happens is that she won’t believe you and, further, will give every last detail of your conversation to the narcissist, who will use that information to wage a painful smear campaign against you (or fan the flames of one he’s already started).

Not only would you likely be ridiculed and mocked, but the worst part is that you’d be further invalidated because it’s probable that no one would believe you.  You’d inadvertently make yourself appear to be the unstable lunatic your Ex is telling everyone you are.

Keep in mind that the new girl has heard numerous tales of your so-called psychotic behaviors and how you leave devastation in your wake.  Why would she believe anything you had to say?

The best approach is to keep to yourself and focus on your healing.  If the new girl happens to come to you at some point in the future, you can then decide if you want to share your history with the narcissist, but don’t wait around obsessively for that to happen.

It can lead to false police charges and physical assault

I’ve read many unfortunate accounts of women who’ve informed the new girl about the narcissist, believing they were doing a wonderful public service deed, only to be threatened with harassment charges or have the police called on them.

Even worse, some women have been physically assaulted, either by the narcissist or the new girl.  In fact, I once had a follower of my blog write in to tell me that the new girl beat her up while the narcissist stood by and watched with a smirk on his face.

It’s best not to open yourself up to that chance.

Your motives may not be as pure as you may think

Our subconscious minds are very powerful.  So powerful that although we may believe we use our logical, conscious minds to make decisions, many of our actions are driven by our subconscious minds without our awareness.

Therefore, you may think your desire to reach out to the new girl is charitable in nature, but it may be that you have a subconscious desire to sabotage her relationship with your Ex.

Your ego is a part of your mind that loves to control you. It’s always living in a state of fear due to its belief that it needs to compete against you for survival. As a result, it will lie and deceive you, so that it can stay in control.

You are likely still in a place of fear, pain, devastation, and anger.  It’s improbable that you can make rational decisions in this state, and so your desire to warn the new girl could well be vindictive in nature.

Warning the new girl isn’t your responsibility

Most targets of narcissistic abuse are empaths and have a strong inclination to rescue the world.  However, as Empaths, we should also understand that sometimes, we must let things happen naturally and organically in order that people may learn life lessons that have the capacity to transform them and their lives.

Does that mean they deserve what’s coming?

Not at all, just like we didn’t deserve what happened to us.  But, from a survivor’s standpoint, the experience did change my world – and in a good way.  It didn’t feel that way in the early days, but I am thankful for the experience because without it, I would still be engaging in the same destructive patterns, choosing the wrong partners, and living from a place of little to no self-love or self-awareness.

In the words of Pema Chodron, nothing ever goes away until it’s taught us what we need to know.  If we were to successfully “save” the new girl from the narcissist, she would simply meet up with another one at some point because she has lessons to learn in regards to healing wounds, learning to love herself, and setting healthy boundaries in relationships.  Therefore, if you reach out to save her from your Ex, you could be delaying her destiny.

If you truly care about the fate of the new girl–as opposed to reaching out from a vengeful standpoint—the best approach is to let her learn the painful lessons which will hopefully lead to her transformation.

We all have soul lessons to learn here, the new girl included.

Copyright © 2016 Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach.  All Rights Reserved

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