Should I Enlighten the New Girl about the Narcissist?

By Kim Saeed | Break-Ups

Mar 14

Many of us who’ve gone through the ordeal of narcissistic abuse often bewail how we wish someone had told us about the narcissist before we got in too deep. 

If only we could go back in time and end the relationship before the damage occurred.  Oh, how our lives might be different if only someone had approached us and explained the hazards of being involved with a narcissist.

While it may be true that we might have been saved from the drama and trauma, the truth is we say such things in hindsight, which the new girl (or guy) doesn’t yet have.

Would we have taken a total stranger’s word to heart concerning our Prince Charming?  Even if there had been red flags that pointed to danger ahead, many of us would have believed the narcissist’s claims that his Ex is a vengeful, dysfunctional basket case bent on ruining his life…because let’s face it, we were being love-bombed and it felt like nothing we’d ever experienced.

Of course his Ex wouldn’t be happy about her old flame’s newfound happiness with us, right?

While it’s tempting to call a meeting with the new girl and save her from the perils of narcissistic abuse, below are things to consider before making what might be a ghastly mistake that could blow up in your face.

It often leads to further invalidation

Generally, the outcome of informing the new girl rarely plays out in real life like it does in your mind.  In your imagination, you envision the new girl thanking you profusely for rescuing her from sure destruction, but what typically happens is that she won’t believe you and, further, will give every last detail of your conversation to the narcissist, who will use that information to wage a painful smear campaign against you (or fan the flames of one he’s already started).

Not only would you likely be ridiculed and mocked, but the worst part is that you’d be further invalidated because it’s probable that no one would believe you.  You’d inadvertently make yourself appear to be the unstable lunatic your Ex is telling everyone you are.

Keep in mind that the new girl has heard numerous tales of your so-called psychotic behaviors and how you leave devastation in your wake.  Why would she believe anything you had to say?

The best approach is to keep to yourself and focus on your healing.  If the new girl happens to come to you at some point in the future, you can then decide if you want to share your history with the narcissist, but don’t wait around obsessively for that to happen.

It can lead to false police charges and physical assault

There are many unfortunate accounts of women who’ve informed the new girl about the narcissist, believing they were doing a wonderful public service deed, only to be threatened with harassment charges or have the police called on them.  

I’ve had several followers whose lives were ruined because after contacting the new girl, they were slapped with a restraining order.  Because the narcissist and new girl had documentation, the restraining orders were granted.  In case you’re not aware, restraining orders become a permanent part of your record and can prevent you from doing many things, such as getting a job.

Even worse, some women have been physically assaulted, either by the narcissist or the new girl.  In fact, I once had a follower of my blog write in to tell me that the new girl beat her up while the narcissist stood by and watched with a smirk on his face.

It’s best not to open yourself up to that chance.

Your motives may not be as pure as you may think

Our subconscious minds are very powerful.  So powerful that although we may believe we use our logical, conscious minds to make decisions, many of our actions are driven by our subconscious minds without our awareness.

Therefore, you may think your desire to reach out to the new girl is charitable in nature, but it may be that you have a subconscious desire to sabotage her relationship with your Ex.

Your ego is a part of your mind that loves to control you. It’s always living in a state of fear due to its belief that it needs to compete against you for survival. As a result, it will lie and deceive you, so that it can stay in control.

You are likely still in a place of fear, pain, devastation, and anger.  It’s improbable that you can make rational decisions in this state, and so your desire to warn the new girl could well be vindictive in nature.

Warning the new girl isn’t your responsibility

Most targets of narcissistic abuse are empaths and have a strong inclination to rescue the world.  However, as Empaths, we should also understand that sometimes, we must let things happen naturally and organically in order that people may learn life lessons that have the capacity to transform them and their lives.

Does that mean they deserve what’s coming?

Not at all, just like we didn’t deserve what happened to us.  But, from a survivor’s standpoint, the experience did change my world – and in a good way.  It didn’t feel that way in the early days, but I am thankful for the experience because without it, I would still be engaging in the same destructive patterns, choosing the wrong partners, and living from a place of little to no self-love or self-awareness.

In the words of Pema Chodron, nothing ever goes away until it’s taught us what we need to know.  If we were to successfully “save” the new girl from the narcissist, she would simply meet up with another one at some point because she has lessons to learn in regards to healing wounds, learning to love herself, and setting healthy boundaries in relationships.  Therefore, if you reach out to save her from your Ex, you could be delaying her destiny.

If you truly care about the fate of the new girl–as opposed to reaching out from a vengeful standpoint—the best approach is to let her learn the painful lessons which will hopefully lead to her transformation.

We all have soul lessons to learn here, the new girl included.

Copyright © 2016 Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach.  All Rights Reserved

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(22) comments

Kimberly A Neal July 5, 2017

I have a different take on it I warned the new girl because it’s so easy now with social media and email and all that…

I simply told her that he was living with me and then he disappeared and then I found him on Facebook with pictures of her.. I also told her not to loan him any money..

Of course I was hurt and I want to see get him back but I didn’t lie to her and of course she was a little pissed off but she quickly responded with “oh my God I just loaned him $2,000″!

Then she told me that she would like it if I wouldn’t email her anymore so I stopped… then 2 months later she emailed me…she told me…” I can validate everything you went through”.

Apparently she never loved him but he was able to secure her a nice apartment with a studio attached and she is a photographer so it appears that she used him..

She had called the police on him numerous times he had beaten her up he had a restraining order on him and she got to keep the apartment all to herself she was quite ecstatic…

I warned her thinking that she was like me madly in love but she wasn’t I think she was a sociopath too I’m not sure.. I can honestly say that I will never do this again regardless I don’t think it is our place to get in the middle and arrange all the outcomes of somebody’s learning there’s a reason why we end up with these kind of people there’s something in this we need to heal and we may never know if we don’t go through this kind of pain…

We wish you could we wish we didn’t have to go through it but sometimes we have to go through a lot of pain to reach inside and find out what our problem is so we don’t ever do this thing again never trust them again

I never had a relationship like I had with my narcissist sociopath and I hope I never fall for this crap again

Reply
    Kim Saeed July 6, 2017

    Hi Kim,

    I’m glad things worked out for you after contacting the new girl. The reason I don’t encourage it is that I’ve had several followers whose lives were ruined after contacting the new girl. This often leads to their being on the receiving end of a restraining order, which becomes a permanent part of one’s record. This can make it impossible to get a job in higher-end employment fields and negatively affect other areas of life that are important.

    I like the outlook you formed after the experience. Thanks for reaching out and commenting.

    Reply
Lynn June 20, 2017

Comment about ” don’t”..” if she loves herself she’ll move on. EXACTLY … even if she stays, you then HAVE to realize she’s sick. I have the same situation. She tries so hard in aiding for him to win title of parent of the year ( only when I had it with him… did he Fool her, to think I was bad. Well had it before pregnant. But that’s the game to stay.

Anyway at first it sucked. Just wanted my kid… but she was too stupid to even hint to. I was insecure once. Not as evil and stupid. But I was insecure. But it gets better. You get MORE secure as time goes on. So you have to ignore the her having son call her ” mommy ” game. It sucks. Your basically caving in. But it’s best. Be the BETTER person. Be independent. Easier for me, because I was once that way. Some new idiots never where. So again… their is probabability she won’t find out. Hell fuck around soon as she’s pregnant. And she’ll act harder like she don’t know.
NOT your problem. Fix yourself if you are smart..if no kid involved? Then easy breezy…. If a kid involved, it’ll take a bit of time to accept your fucked with a shit father of your kid. I can’t sugar coat. Even if she does leave. They’ll be another one even dumber to take its place.

They will learn on their own. You just have to give the love. The daddy can’t.
It took college to really learn. Learn about myself.. and that jackass ex. (And good sex cheating with a real man. )

All the urge to tell. Will pass. Youlll be a strong motherf)&@%r when it does. Again,a kid? Then Just take it with a smile. No kid? Then why aren’t you running? Go get mental health support.

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Loree April 11, 2017

This blew up in my face and I will NEVER do this again. I tried to warn her and instead it fed into his triangulation and she was defensive and it just made me look like the jealous ex. She then would participate in his harassment of me by having our 3yr old daughter call her “mommy” in front of me. I kept my calm and refused to let them rock me. After time went by they BOTH couldn’t stand my happiness and I began to recognize my old self when I would look at her. She went from a vibrant well kept looking girl to a hot mess. Then when she dumped him it was “because of me” and how she had an “issue” with me. SURE. Don’t do it. If she is smart and loves herself she won’t be around for long. And if she does stick around it is even better for you as he has his supply and you can keep moving forward in your recovery. One day you will be glad for the new nice girl in his life trust me. Just pray for yourself for your children and for them and have no contact with them unless necessary and even then as minor as possible.

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Les June 8, 2016

I stupidly tried to warm the 2nd new victim of his after our divorce. I am ex-wife #2. Ex-wife #1 tried to warn his 1st new victim after me. The first ex wife and I were acquaintances before him and started talking again after my divorce. I have learned a lot from her. Hence I guess why I tried to warn his 2nd victim who is now his 4th fiance. And possibly pregnant with his 2nd child; I have the first. Anyways, my attempt to warn her just backfired. I just ended up making myself look like the crazy jealous ex that I am sure he has told her I am. Crazy for ignoring the red flags in the beginning but not crazy in the sense that he tells people. Now I just keep my mouth shut and look forward to the day when the latest victim finds out the truth. I try not to resent her but she has joined him in his attacks on me. Nothing like having your NEX and his new fiance throw their alleged happiness in your face while ganging up on you while you raise your daughter with the asshole mostly on your own; they are just babysitters. Sigh.

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    Lynn June 20, 2017

    Omg babysitters… YES!!!! So hard seeing the child YOU probably raised at first, go to this. Two messed up evils. They’ll get there’s. I’m not godly or anything but think about it, they’re messed up in the heads so they’re already getting their fair share of nothing in life lol
    This dudes own mom and sibling warned me. I was dumb

    Reply
karen March 15, 2016

Well when my ex narc met his next victim he love bombed her and they were married within two months of meeting. She appeared to be a wealthy professional marrying an unemployed man who lived with his mom. This was before I new about narcissism and I was immediately concerned because we had an 11 year old daughter. She wanted to meet me and before I knew it I was warning her. I didn’t plan on it. It just came out. I called him after the meeting and told him “don’t blow it she seems very nice” and I pictured the three of us raising our daughter together. Wrong! My warnings blew up in my face, I turned into the bad guy and they tried to get custody of my daughter. Luckily the courts saw through everything I kept custody and my daughter didn’t talk to him for three years. When the marriage went bad two year later in typical narcissism style guess who showed up at my front door? Yes and I welcomed him with open arms. Only to have him disappear without notice several times without warning to try to save his marriage. Every time they split, some how it was my fault. Even his DUI was my fault. He “came home” once again and my daughter and I thought we were a happy family. Only Facebook showed he had a girlfriend in another town. I questioned him and he said she was someone he met who wanted to be with him. He wanted nothing to do with her. Once he secured the newest victim I watched him walk out and I congratulated them on their engagement. Yes they were engaged only weeks after moving out of my house. She thought he was living with his mother. Not two months later he was at my door again saying they were threw and it was a mistake. He wanted to “come home”. He went back and forth and his girlfriend would call wanting to know our status. He told her he was staying in the spare bedroom. I would only say follow your heart because if I told the truth. I would be trying to destroy his life. A couple of times she would call and I would try to enlighten her a little but everything I said would go right back to him, and I would be the bad guy. He now has his own place which I visit several times a month when “they are done”. I did not say a word to her, when she called in order to get information and tell me about his new girlfriend, younger than his daughter, I would only refer her to this site and tell her to educate herself. That I wish I would have had this information 20 years ago. Of course they are in love and love conquers all. Last month I was at his place as she pounded on the doors and windows. She even had the police called on her because she almost got in through a window. I didn’t return for several weeks as they were the perfect couple again and I wasn’t needed. This last time I wasn’t going to go because frankly I’m finally tired of it all, but went basically out of boredom. We talked as friends, it was nice. He once again told me they were done. I asked about the other one, the young girlfriend and he said her husband saw emails. As a friend I asked him what he wanted in life and he said “No Drama”. I told him he causes his own drama and can’t play with people’s feelings. I told him he is showing his daughters and granddaughters that it is ok to treat women this way. She showed up several times during the weekend pounding on the doors and windows. I told him several times I’m not playing games this time. I’m tired of the games and would not play them this time. He told me he just needed to get his tools and finalize some things. Well the games started again, so I politely messaged her and asked her not to pound on the doors and windows when I’m there. Shoot he always blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life, so I might as well do something to deserve the blame because regardless if I stayed silent or said something it will always be my fault. I had to block her and he sent me a text saying I can’t be trusted. Oh and yes his flying monkey has been stirring it up the entire time and continues to stir it up. Am I upset this time? No. There comes a point that it just doesn’t matter anymore. In fact, I saw internet history showing he is looking for a job in my town. Maybe I got nervous and started the drama on purpose but I can’t say for sure.

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    Traci Mccleese April 5, 2016

    Wow, sound like my life. Luckily, I’ve lonely let him back 3 times . Now I’m on a happy relationship for a little over a year now and for must of it he has been trying to get back with me while he is with the girl he left me for twice.

    Reply
      Anonymous April 6, 2016

      Well, it continues with me. He decided I could be trusted once more and called for a visit. His girlfriend beat on the doors and windows throughout the day, and just sat in front of his place. We decided to move our weekend to my place and he was able to visit with our daughter. Sunday morning he left because “he had to go work” hours later a picture of him and his girlfriend were posted on facebook. He was wearing the same clothes he left my house in. comments were also posted about medical test he is having done and the concern on his medical condition. shifting the fact that he is in the wrong and playing the victim due to his medical condition. I have not said anything this time except comment how we had discussed his tests. After all, given his lifestyle there are greater risks that the test results would not be in his favor, and I would appear as the bad guy once again

      Reply
aj... March 15, 2016

My Ex’s new girl contacted me over social media, after he had been arrested for assaulting her. She asked me things, told me things he’d done to her, had been saying…etc Said that she wanted away from him.. I believed her. .. I felt sorry for her, gave her my number and spoke to her on the phone over the entire weekend. .. he was in custody for, he got out on the Monday. .. Our conversations continued threw out the week she shared how he was harassing her using his “poor me, I have no-one” line’s, he felt suicidal etc… I shared how he used to manipulate me that way also.. etc that she should stay strong …etc. Anyways… long story short … it was all an act. . (Apart from him being arrested for assaulting her) The rest was all lies in a bid to find out my phone number and my address. (which thankfully I didn’t share) I was actually devastated by this revelation, which was delivered from him. .when he phoned me to laugh and name call me down the phone, for how stupid and gullible I was… Again! . ..I was completely cut up with what she had done. . I honestly didn’t think a woman could do that to another woman. .. especially when she had been on the receiving end of his abuse .. I wouldn’t advice anyone to connect even if they come to you … just leave them to it….. aj.x.

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Shell March 14, 2016

No for me the new girlfriend after a while befriended me and she had her own concerns about him . I left her to find out for herself coz I hoped he was gonna find someone to sort out his behaviour , but nope he moved to the other side of the world to be with her and ruined his life , I’m waiting now for the “it’s your fault Shell , you ruined my rship by telling her lies ” truth is she found out for herself before I got involved !
Most new girlfriends won’t listen. Let them carry on and they will learn!

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Older and wiser March 14, 2016

I actually had to fight the urge to warn HIM about the new “girl.” During the holiday season our 20 year marriage came to its final breaking point. I told him I would file for a legal separation to protect myself and our daughters from his latest disastrous financial choice. He immediately zeroed in on an extremely vain woman on fb. She posts pictures of herself striking Marilyn Monroe style poses every couple of weeks, and nothing else. He arranged an all expense paid trip to our area for her, her daughter, and the daughter’s boyfriend over Valentine’s Day weekend. He has been engaged in fastasy-based efforts to promote the woman’s “dreams” of a musical career. He involved our office manager in all this while I was also working there, and that is how I learned of it. I had planned to continue to work at the office until we sorted things out financially, but after this humiliating final maneuver I gave 2 weeks notice, and then only came in while he was not there. My attorney has since filed a dissolution petition, and wisely told me that things are more likely to go smoothly for me if he has a “distraction.” Sadly, I realize I was once the “distraction” when he ended his first marriage.

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sleeping tiger March 14, 2016

I suppose it would depend on the situation, but I would be completely cautious about answering any questions or telling the current girl anything as she could be playing up to you just to turn whatever you say against you. Even if it is the truth.

If she needs help, there are others she can turn to whom she already knows. Keep yourself out of it totally. It’s not worth it. And this is a good and perfect opportunity to put yourself first for a change, instead of worrying about someone else.

I know that sounds cold, but just by the couple comments, it’s obvious the narc will put the woman up to this game or perhaps the woman is into the game herself.

If they can call YOU out for what they see as harassment and threaten you with a call to the cops, then we can certainly do the same.

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idodoyouride March 14, 2016

no everyone here on earth must learn there own life lessons and it will just make you look like the jealous ex….everyone must walk their own path.

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    Anonymous March 14, 2016

    I agree .. I had to find out the hard way . Your on your own ?

    Reply
Anonymous March 14, 2016

Wow you are so right! In my case, the new girlfriend of my ex narc looked for me an found me sadly. She cried an in same breath said she loved him, was marrying him ,but wanted answers to certain question before taking the leap. I should have said “congratulations” an dismissed her. Instead, I tried to open her eyes an tried to help her, an it backfired. She stood by him, then somehow they broke up and then she divulged everything I told her to him, to make ME the BAD guy. They went back together an who knows if they’re together. I REGRET trying to help her, so I closed them both off my life, may she learn the hard way, and they can have each other an be miserable together

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Lynette d'Arty-Cross March 14, 2016

Very true. I was contacted by one of my ex-narcissist’s new love interests because of “concerns” she had about him. I cautiously shared a little information with her. It turned out that he had put her up to it. He later discarded her after she had served her usefulness. A hard pill for her to swallow, and for me, too, but it had to be done.

Reply
    Kim Saeed March 14, 2016

    Thanks for sharing that, Lynette! I may go in and add that possibility to the article! 🙂

    Reply
      Trish March 14, 2016

      Kim

      Yes please add there isn’t anything a narc won’t do to discredit and more importantly destroy you.

      Reply
      Lynette d'Arty-Cross March 15, 2016

      Thanks. 🙂

      Reply
    sleeping tiger March 14, 2016

    That very thought of that possibility came to me as I read.

    Reply
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