How to Protect Yourself Against Psychic Hoovering

By Kim Saeed | Living Joyfully after No Contact

May 10

It’s unsettling, it’s eerie, it’s downright inexplicable.  You’ve finally gone No Contact — and then experience soul-wrenching episodes similar to these:

You drive by the restaurant that you and your narcissistic Ex used to frequent together and suddenly, they call you. 

You’re flipping through the channels one night and come across the romantic comedy the two of you watched at that quaint retro movie theater when you first started dating.  Your phone jingles.  You look at it and realize, with surprise, that your Ex has sent you an email. 

You’re doing laundry one lazy Saturday morning and find an old t-shirt they left behind.  You pick it up, gently pressing it to your face to see if it still carries their scent.  You suddenly feel their presence so strongly, you could almost swear they’re in your house somewhere. 

It’s moments like these that may convince you that the narcissist is destined to be your life-long companion.  You begin to believe that the troubles in the relationship must have been the result of an inevitable, tempestuous bond between tortured soulmates.

You feel cosmically connected to them and mourn the phantom limb absence of your lost partner.  You suffer pain and damage by punishing yourself for your mistakes and some of the reckless things you did while in the relationship.

If they are trying to connect with you during your moments of sorrow and distress, then surely the two of you share a bond.  You feel a sudden, consuming need to call them.  You can’t just deny this psychic link the two of you share.  To do so would be to interfere with destiny.

You pick up your phone and dial their number…thereby opening yourself up for months or years of continued emotional abuse and defilement of your soul.

Why does it seem the narcissist knows exactly when to reach out?  How do they sense when you’re at your lowest point?  While you may indeed share a bond, you shouldn’t interpret it as a divine sign that you belong together.  There are generally two explanations for the above-mentioned scenarios, neither of which have to do with you and the narcissist being star-crossed lovers.

1. You’re being monitored and need to reset your phone and computer to protect yourself from spyware that may have been planted on your devices.  You’ll also want to have your vehicle checked for a GPS tracking device.

It happens.  Not only was I personally monitored this way, many of my clients have been, as well.  When it comes to narcissists, truth is definitely stranger than fiction.

2. You’re being hoovered psychically.  This may seem like a bizarre concept to some, but it’s really nothing more than the pull of energetic ties (or cords) that you’ve created with the narcissist.  These energetic bonds are deeper when emotional trauma has been a core element of the relationship.

One of the most important things we can do for our soul’s health and growth is cutting cords that still bind us to toxic relationships.  Many people don’t realize that when you have a relationship with someone, you become connected energetically — especially when there is a strong emotional event such as emotional manipulation and soul abuse. Additionally, when we are intimate with someone, we strengthen these  energetic ties and in the process, make subliminal contracts with the other person.

You may strongly feel and believe that those ties and vows are still binding today…as would any Empathic individual with strong moral codes.  But, whereas you want to soothe the narcissist’s hurts and help them feel secure, they simply want to siphon your compassionate energy from you like fuel for an engine.  Although they may be simultaneously thinking of you as you’re thinking of them, it’s usually during your moments of emotional vulnerability, because this is the energetic state you were in when they manipulated you during the relationship.

Even after a relationship ends, the energetic ties remain, despite the amount of time that elapses.  And even though you may be apart from them now, you’re still deeply bonded to them energetically. This can drain your energy, as well as cause symptoms of depression and hopelessness.  This partly explains why many people continue to obsess about their narcissistic ex and feel the pain of past traumas as freshly as when they first occurred.

Why you need to free yourself

The process of cutting ties on all levels of your energy and awareness is a crucial step in removing any energetic cords that you share with the narcissist. This is the only way your soul can move on towards healing.  Not cutting cords often results in getting stuck in a low frequency cycle where the same disappointing events keep happening repeatedly. Unresolved energy ties will attract you to people, places, and events that resonate with the frequency of the emotional trauma you experienced with the narcissist.  So, when you do enter into another relationship, you will have a tendency to project onto your new relationship all of the emotional pain you’ve stored from the one with the narcissist.

While this concept may seem overwhelming there are ways to protect yourself from psychic hoovering so you can close the chapter and move on towards healing and happier relationships – with yourself and others.

Ways to protect yourself

  1. If you haven’t blocked and deleted the narcissist from your phone, now’s the time to do it.  Anything else only leaves you vulnerable to their hoovering, psychic and otherwise.  If you share children with your ex, change your cell phone number and have them contact you by landline or email.  Use a supervised email system if necessary, such as Our Family Wizard.
  2. Perform a cord-cutting ceremony at least once a week until the energetic ties are gone.
  3. Smudge your home to cleanse it of negative energies and memories.
  4. Consider purchasing crystals that are specific to psychic protection, such as: Black Tourmaline, Amethyst, Hematite, and Tiger Eye.
  5. Try dabbing some lavender or sandalwood essential oil on the back of your neck for cleansing and protection (if you have sensitive skin, make sure to blend with a carrier oil first).

For those of you who are afraid of the finality of cutting energetic ties with the narcissist – it doesn’t necessarily mean you shouldn’t love the person anymore or no longer care about them.  The process is meant to cut the dysfunctional, traumatic cords that you share with the other person.  Although you should still maintain No Contact for obvious reasons, you can still care for your toxic ex, but do so from a distance.

Once you begin healing the core wounds that bound you to the narcissist, you will find that your attachment to them will get weaker over time.  You will eventually become empowered enough to release them completely.

Copyright © 2016 Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach. All Rights Reserved  

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(21) comments

Eden July 1, 2016

I just need to share with someone today. No one else will understand. Today I’m on the verge of tears because I’ve been thinking about him for the last few hours and I don’t know why. We broke up a year ago and I’ve been NC since then, even through his hoovering at holidays and my bday a few months ago. As much as I hate to admit it, I still love him. And I get so mad at myself and it’s so emotionally confusing at times because I still suffer from a bit of cognitive dissonance. Loving him and despising him..and moments of resent popping up when I think of how he moves through life convinced that he’s faultless and enlightened and special. Of course I know it’s part of his sickness and I am in a great place in my life now having learned so much through this experience. There are even days/weeks when he barely enters my mind. Usually I can think about him without feeling sad, and even (on rare occasions) feeling like I can wish him well and send him love from afar.

But last week I drove with my family to a resort that was five minutes from his house and it was the first time I’ve been in that area since we broke up. As we were nearing the area on the highway I felt a strong energetic pull. My belly felt warm and I got this feeling all through my body and I was hit with such overwhelming emotion. Memories, love. I just wanted to be with him. It took me back. We had so many great times and moments I know were genuine. And that’s what has made this so hard. I know he loved me, in his way. But his sickness would always win out.

This is the first article I’ve read where someone has addressed the energetic ties that remain. I do feel as if he reaches out to me psychically at times and it amazes me that it’s even possible. I’ve tried to talk myself out of this notion because I don’t easily believe in all that stuff and I dont want to give anymore false meaning to this relationship. BUT I CAN FEEL HIM. Once I was happy and laughing and suddenly got a warm ‘chill’ up my spine and burst into tears spontaneously. It was the damnedest thing! I told a friend, “I think that was him. He’s going to contact me.” And the same day he did, after not hearing from him for a year. I tried cord cutting before and it didnt work. And as mentioned, I feel great 9 times out of 10, better as time goes on. Wonderful things happening in my life. But he’s still there in the shadows. Albeit, his shadow looms smaller than it ever did, but he’s still there. Months go by and I think, “Is this is? Am I finally free of this love I had for him?” Then BOOM. A memory will come and I feel it all again. It’s like I have a ghost hanging out with me everywhere I go.

I just want this to be a distant memory and stay that way. I’ve loved him more than anyone and i was a soul crushing experience. As I said, I’m happy now and I’m in no danger of reaching out to him (I’m not crazy!) But my heart..my soul misses him. I know we’re not supposed to wait for closure or acknowledgement from them because it will never come. I’ve accepted that, I think. But sometimes I can’t bear the thought of him being happy without me after and after all he’s done. ;(

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    Hélène June 12, 2017

    You never had a genuine moment with him, let alone great times. It was alllll a lie, every bit. You were deluded. Every moment had a price.
    He will never be happy, even with 5 more victims after you. They will get used up too after that first lovebombing. The hell will start just as with you. There will never any real relationship for this man.
    He never loved you, not in his own way either, as he can not love. He is not sick, he chooooses to suck ppl’s souls to fill his empty miserable ego. He will never change.
    You can change and you can get free. You can learn to heal your wounds that allowed the hellish psychic bond to occur. You can learn to be enough for you, without anyone. If someone comes in your life thats healthy, great. If not, thats ok too. You have you and that is enough. You can get there to that place of self love.

    Reply
Sandy May 13, 2016

My ex-bf installed spyware on two separate computer systems of mine, plus installed some type of listening device in my bedroom which I’ve yet to find. His ability to quote my spoken conversations word-for-word proved he could hear me, and they were not telephone conversations! He pridefully told me I’d never locate the bug-and believe me, I’ve tried. He also use to brag about placing GPS trackers on his previous wives cars. They don’t need to be rich or tech-savvy to bug your world-all it takes is determination. With all due respect, I place no faith in smoke and rocks, as the Lord’s protection is what I have faith in. Don’t think these cons are reading your mind telepathically, because the truth is they can (and do) monitor your world with ease—and not one shred of guilt about it, either. I’d like to add I’ve been no contact 18 mos. now, and much better for it. I may be alone, but I answer to no man and no longer cry myself to sleep. If he can still hear me, then great–he knows good and well I quit crying over him months ago…PRICELESS!

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    Kaya50 May 13, 2016

    Wow. That’s unbelievable. Spyware , gps etc. I cut off all contact with my ex husband about 3 years ago when I filed for divorce. Like you I don’t cry myself to sleep anymore. My heart is not racing. My blood pressure is good. I don’t have panic attacks. For 20 long years I actually had physical symptoms from his abuse , his lies, his cheating , his betrayals. Matter fact I have not cried since about 3 years. No one leaves their attorney’s office being happy. Well I did. Finding the strength and courage to finally put an end to it put the biggest smile on my face. To this day I celebrate the day of my final divorce. I forgot how beautiful life is. How wonderful it is not to be subjected to these lies. Not having to question my sanity. Going no contact , deleting my email and Facebook etc. changing my phone no empowered me, made me a warrior. As long as I am alive I will not communicate with the devil ever again.

    Reply
    Anonymous June 12, 2017

    I once heard of somebody putting stuff inside a curtain rod you may check those and other hollow objects in your bedroom It may be behind pictures hope you find your listening device.

    Reply
STI Survivor May 10, 2016

I thought I was crazy to believe that my narc-ex was reading my e-mails… the reason I suspected at all was that I began receiving odd texts from a private/untraceable phone number if I made mention of him via e-mail to others (and not even specific mention, simply calling him my “secretly gay ex,” etc…. because that’s exactly what he was: he stopped having sex with me, and was having sex with men exclusively, as I discovered via e-mail sleuthing myself). After referring to him as homosexual to a third party who did not know either of us, and not even using his name, I got a text from a private, untraceable number–believe me, I tried to trace it[$]–asking repeatedly, “If I have sex with men, does that make me gay?” I suspect that he was miffed that I wasn’t referring to him as bisexual; like many narcs, he was vocally homophobic, despite his proclivities. Thank you thank you thank you, Kim. I have changed all my passwords… I only wish I’d done it sooner. Hope it’s enough. . .

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    Claire May 11, 2016

    Thanks so much for your comment ! “like many narcs, he was vocally homophobic, despite his proclivities.” Interesting, I experienced this situation, but … “like many narcs” ? I never read this before, is it often experienced by victims, How come ? any article on the subject ? Thank you

    Reply
      STI Survivor May 12, 2016

      Hi Claire, hope this helps: http://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com/narcissists-and-sex/ (as for “How come?” I assume that this phenomenon occurs because homosexuality is often denigrated, which interferes with the narc’s “perfect” self-image… also, they enjoy keeping people in the dark because it makes them feel more powerful and smarter than others, and what better way to throw people off your secret behavior than to put down others who openly admit to it?)

      Reply
Kaya50 May 10, 2016

Thank you so much for this great article. No contact literally saved my life. I went no contact about 3 years ago when I filed for divorce from a narcissist /sociopath. It was difficult at first. For over 20 years I thought my husband was my best friend , my soulmate , my everything. Well instead he was a liar , a cheater and an abuser. The only solution was a divorce for me. Going no contact saved my sanity and my life. Thank you.

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jockhenderson May 10, 2016

Mine got back in touch after 4 months. Reply to my last Facebook post. Right back with the projection and blame so told never contact me again and she was blocked

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Nicole May 10, 2016

OMG! I kind of thought I was crazy but you have just proven that I am NOT! I hope this isn’t too rsque to post but when I was with my N, I swore he could send me telepathic orgasms. He was always really coy about it and after the ‘honeymoon’ was over, they stopped.
Almost 4 months after our break up and NC, I know when he is town because I wake up in the night (about the time he would wake me when were together) and swear he is sending me the O signals.
This happenned just last night and, instead of crying afterwards, I just rolled over, said ‘thank you’ and went back to sleep.

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    Lm November 15, 2016

    Lmfao….omg….u have no idea…i thought I was crazy also! Its so good to know im not crazy an im not alone!
    Im so done with these type of people

    Reply
Amys Comcast May 10, 2016

>> Hi Kim. >> How did you know to send this today?:-). Ironically finding your web site and reading your posts was the tipping point for me to knowing I was with a Narc. I had started therapy as I had been reduced from a successful professional woman to a sobbing broken woman unable to function. My therapist suggested he was a narc but all of the research I had done and her definition was just too clinical and I made excuses that no, that was not the man I loved. >> In a moment of weakness I googled how to Reconcile with a narc and I found your article (telling me you can’t) and posts from countless other women who described my experience exactly. After reading just about everything you have written on the topic I finally started to understand and learn there is nothing I could have done to make the relationship work. He discarded me on December 5, 2015 and I found your site in February and I truly believe I am growing stronger each day. But today is my birthday and at 8:30am I received a Happy Birthday text from him. (I actually traveled from the NE to visit friends in Florida this week as I knew I was not ready to be home alone after the amazing celebration he orchestrated for me last year as he was love bombing. ). My friends are loving and supporting and encouraging me to never contact him again…yet I miss him so much I am often tempted. And your email arrived today confirming I need to stay away. I truly do believe things happen for a reason. Things like finding your site and getting the continued reinforcement that the man I fell in love with does not truly exist and I need to totally close that chapter of my life. >> I have been wanting to write and thank you for months but today just made me take the time to do it. >> Thank you for what you did for me and for so many others. >> All the best. >> Amy. >

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Linn May 10, 2016

I have done almost all of what you suggested. They were very effective. But I also had to overwrite my old trauma messages with a new script when I met someone who is genuine, but who used many of the same words as the Narc.! That was difficult, until I understood the process. An exllent article! Thank you! – xx

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    Kim Saeed May 10, 2016

    Hi Linn! Thanks for sharing. You are absolutely right about overwriting old, traumatic, and negative scripts. That’s the main reason I promote guided meditations so much 🙂

    Kim
    XoXo

    Reply
Anonymous May 10, 2016

I am so glad you wrote about monitoring. I was convinced for at least the last year of my marriage that my husband hacked my phone and was using it to spy on me. I came across as crazy to anyone i mentioned it to. So he was spying and gaslighting at the same time. I swear I felt like I needed to be committed by the time I got away from him. But I couldn’t find any examples of narcs monitoring via cell phone online at that time so it made me feel even crazier. Thank you for this article!

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A great article. 🙂

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Rhonda May 10, 2016

Love this article about cutting those psychic bonds. And indeed, trauma causes stronger bonds, not necessarily trauma between the narcissist and yourself. My narcissist and I have shared 18 years, five children, and some SEVERE family issues, so the psychic bonds will indeed take time to break but guess what? I’M WORTH MORE THAN THIS! Six months out and almost zero contact, all children adults, I am finding ME again and starting to feel beautiful! Your posts are amazing – please keep up your wonderful work because you truly give voice and more importantly a name to the pain of these relationships. I consider you one of my positive resources for growth and healing – THANK YOU!!

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LexiC May 10, 2016

I see what you mean here, but my first narc came in to my life at 16 yrs old and it didn’t end until I was 20 years old near 21. I’m now 34 yrs old. He died when he was 24 and I was 23. I WOULD NEVER want him back but I can’t stop thinking about showing him that he never hurt me and that I was happy without him. I have had several great experiences since then but he never got to see that I had moved on. How do I heal these types of wounds. There OF COURSE was never any closure before he died. To this day I am angry over the amount of energy and love I poured in to this invidividual. I just feel like he was a demon that tried to suck the life out of me. I always knew I was pretty and worthy of love and respect even during his BS in the “situation” I was in with him. How do I overcome this? I feel disgusted but I can’t get over that he may feel he got the best of me. I know he didn’t but he most likely died thinking he did.

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orlandoamyo@comcast.net May 10, 2016

Hi Kim. How did you know to send this today?:-). Ironically finding your web site and reading your posts was the tipping point for me to knowing I was with a Narc. I had started therapy as I had been reduced from a successful professional woman to a sobbing broken woman unable to function. My therapist suggested he was a narc but all of the research I had done and her definition was just too clinical and I made excuses that no, that was not the man I loved. In a moment of weakness I googled how to Reconcile with a narc and I found your article (telling me you can’t) and posts from countless other women who described my experience exactly. After reading just about everything you have written on the topic  I finally started to understand and learn there is nothing I could have done to make the relationship work.  He discarded me on December 5, 2015 and I found your site in February and I truly believe I am growing stronger each day. But today is my birthday and at 8:30am I received a Happy Birthday text from him.  (I actually traveled from the NE to visit friends in Florida this week as I knew I was not ready to be home alone after the amazing celebration he orchestrated for me last year as he was love bombing. ). My friends are loving and supporting and encouraging me to never contact him again…yet I miss him so much I am often tempted.  And your email arrived today confirming I need to stay away. I truly do believe things happen for a reason. Things like finding your site and getting the continued reinforcement that the man I fell in love with does not truly exist and I need to totally close that chapter of my life. I have been wanting to write and thank you for months but today just made me take the time to do it. Thank you for what you did for me and for so many others. All the best. Amy. Sent from XFINITY Connect Mobile App

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Sunny May 10, 2016

I haven’t experienced any of that because I went NC as soon as we broke up. I did find an old shirt her gave me to wear when painting in my studio that I had worn a few times, and cut it up for rags to wipe my brushes on. Maybe I’ll use what’s left of it to make a voodoo doll, lol. Or just throw it in the trash.
It’s been 4 months 100% NC, he’s blocked everywhere. But I still think about what a monster he is, I can’t wait until this is truly behind me. More cord cutting is needed.
My life improved beyond my wildest dreams when he was removed from it. My health issues both physical and mental cleared up, I lost the weight I gained and right now I’m in Paris on an art residency for a month and having a fabulous time.
If I was still with Dracula I wouldn’t be here, not just I wouldn’t be in Paris, I maybe wouldn’t be on this planet, being with him was poisoning me. I thank god every day that I was released from his grip. You were a big help to me. xoxo

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