The Non-Narcissist’s Pledge

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

May 14
Abusive traits narcissism

This is a list of promises that (if carried out) might “cure” a Narcissist of many of the more abusive traits of Cluster B personality disorders and other Narcissistic behavior patterns…but it’s a Pledge that no Narcissist would, or could, ever fulfill.

These are undoable for a true Narcissist.  However, non-Narcissists might find this Pledge useful for a couple of reasons:

a) to help identify, control, and remove “fleas” (Narcissistic behavior patterns) in oneself, and

b) to help confirm to oneself (by fulfilling promises in this Pledge) that oneself is, in fact, not a Narcissist.

This Pledge is an aid to self-reflection for everyone except Narcissists.  A true Narcissist avoids self-reflection because, after all, the Narcissist doesn’t have a problem.  Everybody else does.

So, how can one confirm that oneself is, in fact, not a Narcissist–and also avoid falling into Narcissistic behavior patterns?

Try practicing the Non-Narcissist’s Pledge:

1. I will not love-bomb.  If and when I choose to dip my toes into the water of a new relationship, or even if I just go out for coffee with a potential romantic interest, I will not use flattery, gift-giving, or an avalanche of text messages to gain entry into this person’s life.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

I might “put my best foot forward”, but I will simply be myself, for better or worse.

2. I will take responsibility for my actions.   I will not shift blame away from myself if I do wrong or make a simple mistake.  I will not accuse others of errors I actually made myself.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

If I do something wrong, I will own it–and own up to it.  I will face the music.  I will apologize…and make amends, if necessary.

3. I will tell the truth.  I will not lie.  I will not tell “little white lies”.  I will not omit details from the truth in order to deceive someone else.  I will not invent clever, “harmless” stories that simply make myself look good or entertain myself.  I will not say things about other people that aren’t true, especially to hurt them.  I will not hide behind “my truth” when it isn’t true to begin with.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

I will be honest, or I won’t speak.  What can be easier than that?

4. I will not manipulate others.  I will not play tricks on people and act like I didn’t.  I won’t “plant seeds” in people’s minds to get them to do what I want when I ask them later on.  I won’t tell people what I think they want to hear, just so they like me and trust me.  I won’t change plans at the last minute when I didn’t intend to follow through with them in the first place.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

I will be forthright and sincere.  I will trust that people will like me (or not like me!) because of who I am, not because I can control them.

5. I will be accountable.  I will not dodge or deflect constructive criticism.  I will not sabotage others who disapprove of something I’ve done.  I will not get angry if someone calls me out when I did wrong or hurt someone.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

I will accept that others are trying to help me when they take their time to help correct my behaviors or actions in some way.

6. I will respect other people and their boundaries.  I will not step all over people and their time and space.  I will not intrude on others or impose on them when they’re clearly involved in something important.  I will not assume that what I want right now is the most important thing happening on Earth.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

I will ask for consent and gain permission from others before inserting myself into their time, space, or relationships.

7. I will be open to change.  I will not insist that others do everything my way.  I will not demand that things be done the way that they’ve always been done, simply because “I said so” or my family of origin did it that way.  I will not throw a fit until someone else caves and gives me my way.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

I will listen to what others say they want.  If I can accommodate their wishes, and they’re not Narcissists trying to manipulate me, I will do my best to honor their requests.  I might even learn something new.

8. I will be faithful.  I will not two-time or cheat on my partner.  I will not commit adultery.  I will not promise to do something with no intention of actually doing it.  I will not violate the trust that my loved ones place in me.  I will not dump my partner out of the blue, without talking about the problem first–or at least giving an explanation why.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

I will respect the relationships I have formed, and if I don’t think I can fulfill the expectations that come with a certain kind of relationship, I won’t form it until I am ready.

9. I will not pretend.  I will not let others believe that I’m something I know I’m not.  I will not deliberately deceive someone else into trusting a mask or a front that I’ve put on.  I will not act like I feel some way other than what I really feel.  I will not insult, slander, or threaten people while smiling at them.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

I will be genuine in my actions toward others, and I will show them how I really feel in a way that’s appropriate to the person and the situation.

10. I will get to know myself.  I will not occupy all my time with people, places, and things so I don’t “get bored”.  I won’t make a spectacle out of other people’s weaknesses in order to avoid seeing my own.  I won’t reflexively accuse others when they point out some flaw in myself.  I will not frantically seek company all the time so I’m never alone.  That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

I will make time and space to be quietly by myself, and I will pay attention to my own thoughts and feelings at all times.  I will acknowledge things about myself, to myself, even if I don’t like them.  I will learn what I like and don’t like–about myself, as well as my experiences–so that I can pursue more of what I want…and leave behind more of what I don’t want.

I will be my True Self, to the best of my ability, not some “false self” that isn’t really me.

That’s what Narcissists do, and I am not a Narcissist.

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Copyright © 2016 Ven Baxter and Let Me Reach. All Rights Reserved

Ven Baxter lives in Florida, where he works as a canoe outfitter, teaches, writes, and enjoys being father to his three children.  You can find this article on his blog, Ven Baxter – Go deep into the nooks and crannies of life and the human experience…

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(9) comments

Cjf July 12, 2016

Number 3 I will be honest or I won’t speak clashes with 4. Narcs particularly covert ones will say little because they know opening their mouths exposes them. People should be honest and open and if they are asked a question answer it honestly. And if they feel something they should mention it. Number 3 would be improved if it was I will be honest at all times. Or I won’t speak leaves it open for a narc. Sorry if I’m being pedantic but I have been traumatized by a narc doing that not speak thing to me and going off behind my back then blaming me for not reading his mind.

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[…] my best to hold space for those I care about, as they have often done for me. I will work towards eliminating my own narcissistic traits, and not beat myself up when I fail or have a set […]

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Karen May 19, 2016

I was searching things about my husband and I knew something was off as I kept reading about his behaviour. He is a narcissist, although the shocking thing is I found out I am as well. It’s not the greatest feeling realizing a great fault in yourself. I feel ashamed, but hopeful. Now I know why “it” never worked out for me in relationships. I always said it was the other persons fault, none of the blame was on me. I saw myself as perfect… Clearly I’m delusional as well ?. My marriage just ended a week ago. I would go on to say why but it would just be his fault so best to not go into that. He has been texting me some nasty things and like a sucker I respond. I’ll be changing to no contact starting today, best for both of us.

The major thing for me was control, every part of my “world” had to be my way. So I’m realizing I’m not just narcissistic but abusive as well. That is a lot to take in all at once.

Hopefully my epiphany will lead me to a brighter future.

Thank you.

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Well done! 🙂

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    Ven Baxter May 19, 2016

    Thank you, Lynette. 🙂

    Reply
crystol stallings May 17, 2016

Please send survive secrets I’m trying to get my sister to realize her worth an break away an heal from a severe narso relationship she has been in for 5 years

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    Kim Saeed June 26, 2016

    Hi Crystol! You can get a copy by clicking on the book cover and entering your email. I hope it helps your sister!

    Wishing you the best,

    Kim
    XoXo

    Reply
Dawn Millett May 14, 2016

Thank you! Informative, life changing. Growth will happen.

Dawn Millett

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    Ven Baxter May 19, 2016

    Thank you, Dawn! 🙂

    Reply
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