3 Dating Sites to Avoid That are Crawling with Narcissists

By Kim Saeed | Dating After Narcissistic Abuse

Jun 28
narcissistic personality disorder dating

If you’re feeling lonely and yearn for someone to fill a space in your heart, creating an online dating profile might seem like the logical thing to do.  With the billions of people on dating sites world-wide , there must be a person out there who is perfect for you, right?

Imagine meeting someone for the first time, the two of you gazing at one another over dinner, barely able to talk due to the butterflies in your stomach.  Before you know it, barely a week has gone by and you’re imagining the contemporary wall art in your shared living room and the magnificent vacations the two of you will take together while sipping cocktails out of coconut shells (with little umbrellas poking out of them).

Gosh, wouldn’t it be just cozy to share the winter holidays with someone this year? 

Hold that thought.  First off, if you’re feeling lonely and anxious to meet someone, it’s actually the worst time for you to look for love online…especially if you are trying to get over a recently-ended relationship.

In fact, if you are feeling needy, lonely, or still hurting from a recent breakup, you are the perfect target for narcissists and other emotional predators.  In this state, you are primed for being love-bombed, conditioned, and hooked. 

Read 6 Ways to Fail at Dating after Narcissistic Abuse

How do you know who’s “really” on the other side of the computer?  How do you discern whether someone you might be meeting is who they say they are? 

There’s no way to know for sure, whether you meet someone online or at the grocery store.  Only time will reveal someone’s true character.  However if you’re still eager to find love online, you can save yourself lots of time and heartache by avoiding these three dating sites, which are hotbeds for narcissists and other toxic manipulators:

1 – Tinder  

According to Google Play, “Tinder is the world’s most popular dating app. More than 9 billion matches have been made through Tinder. Try it and you’ll see why Time magazine called Tinder “The World’s Hottest App.”  *It’s FREE and takes only 60 seconds to set up.”

When you read this description as a lonely love-seeker, you might focus on the fact that nine billion people use the app and that it’s being touted by Time magazine.  There’s bound to be a match for you on this “trusted” site, right?

A narcissist sees ‘nine billion, free, and 60 seconds”.  Translated – quick, free, endless supply.  Further, Tinder may seem harmless, but it encourages promiscuity, relying on a “hook-up” culture that is irresistible to sex-crazed narcissists. It’s quite possible that the sweet and decent person you chose based on their Facebook friends and interests is actually a lying, cheating scumbag. 

The last place an empathic, intuitive person would want to meet someone is on Tinder.  Sure, the company behind the app may boast users getting engaged and married all over the place, but based on the comments I’ve read on my site and other forums, it’s bad news.  Bad, traumatizing news.  Find out for yourself on Tinder Nightmares, the Instagram account which illustrates the quality of people using the app. 

2 – Plenty of Fish

POF boasts “more dates, more relationships, more visits than any other dating site.  There are over 3 million active daily users on POF, we are the largest dating site.  You know of at least 1 person that has found someone on POF.  You never have to pay to message anyone!”

POF has been featured on popular magazines and they brag of their “Relationship Needs” assessment, which supposedly matches you with the partner of your dreams.

In reality, the users behind many POF profiles are fake.  Scammers who are looking to take money and assets from unsuspecting love-seekers.  These defrauders are often narcissists and other predators.  I personally tried POF a couple of years back and was approached by someone who tried unwaveringly to talk me into a dominant/submissive arrangement (with me being the submissive), other men who wanted me to try threesomes with them and their wives/girlfriends, and several who wanted me to send them more pictures – full-body and otherwise.  (BIG red flag!)

POF is a big thumbs-down for anyone looking for a genuine, reciprocal relationship.  There may be one or two genuine people on the site, but who’s got time to wade through the freaks and predators?  But don’t take my word for it.  Check out what this user had to say about POF:

POF Review 450x204

Seems the staff at POF aren’t overly concerned with the user experience.  Learn more here:  Sitejabber.com

3 – OkCupid

According to their website, “OkCupid is the only dating app that finds you matches based on what you really care about…and it’s 100% FREE. That’s why it’s the highest-rated dating app on earth!”

What they fail to tell you is that their dating service is like Tinder and POF rolled into one.

Sure, they have decent ratings, but the truth is that narcissists are fond of OKCupid because they can basically sleep with and deceive as many people as humanly possible. Besides, you can’t really take the positive ratings at face value because a lot of them are left by people who have an interest in the company. 

Does this scenario seem familiar?

You’ve met someone on the site and before long, it seems the two of you have a lot in common.  After establishing a small amount of rapport, the person on the other side of your pc screen says they feel a deep connection with you and wants to know if you’re ready to take your budding relationship off of the site.  They suggest giving you their personal email so the two of you can see where things lead.

This could well be their very first attempt at isolating you.  If the person is a narcissist, of course they want to get you off of the site because then no one else can woo you, which gives them a much higher chance of successfully grooming you into their perfect supply. 

The Bottom Line

While this article highlights three favorite dating sites used by narcissists and other predators, you will encounter these same issues on most any dating site.  If you still feel the urge to find love online, make sure you follow these basic rules:  do a background check for anyone you plan to date seriously, don’t give out your address, don’t send extra pictures (definitely NO full-body pics), and don’t get too personal too fast.  Above all, don’t let a stranger convince you to do anything that feels uncomfortable. 

Download the Let Me Reach Quick Guide to Dating after Narcissistic abuse and deflect narcissists and other toxic personalities!

Avoid These Epic Dating Mistakes after Narcissistic Abuse!

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About the Author

Kim Saeed is a narcissistic abuse recovery expert on a mission to help abuse survivors to heal, find purpose, and live joyfully after No Contact. She also hosts a podcast called Heal, Grow, Evolve, where she aims to help people create meaningful lives and relationships after emotional abuse. Listen and subscribe at www.healgrowevolvewithkim.com

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(35) comments

Paula August 19, 2017

Don’t forget match.com, single parentsmeet.com, bumble, and now zook…sorry but haven’t seen a single person worth the time or heart ache on any website!!

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    Kim Saeed August 21, 2017

    Hi, Paula, it’s absolutely a challenge to find a genuine person on dating sites. I would avoid them altogether, at least the mainstream ones.

    Kim

    Reply

[…] honestly?  I kinda laughed at this one… there are not 3, they ALL ARE full of narcs… does that mean not to use them? that’s up to you but it’s good to be aware that they all contain a LOT of narcissists and to protect yourselves accordingly – thankfully most of them have ways to block folks.  THIS is the perfect time, if you plan on dating again (personally I’d enjoy my newly recovered freedom for a while and avoid dating sites, but that’s me and you are not me) to go back and look up cyber safety documentation and learn how to not give away too much info… in fact I would keep a low profile and just browse other people’s profiles and try to see who might not be a narc…  3 Dating Sites to Avoid That are Crawling with Narcissists […]

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Shirley March 31, 2017

Pof is full of what you said. Have sense to run back ground checks. Alcoholics say they r social drinkers. Drug users and they have no license. Beaware.

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That Never Again February 27, 2017

You forgot LinkedIn as the new dating site!!!

Narcs get to “show off” and titles and credentials while looking for those secretary girls OR sugar Mamas- but she can’t make more than him (can go either male or female here) and that Narc can think that’s s a “federal employee” he is “amazing” and makes a lot of $, “is a great loving father” (that could care less about his kids), and that LinkedIn member is sure to find plenty of supply with a “job” (bc stay at home mom’s raising that Narcs kids alone for 15 years are gold diggers and stole his kids). It’s the new Tinder! Yuck.

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    Marie July 10, 2017

    You are right about LinkedIn, it is definitely become a NARC site, being that an ex whom is an extreme serial relationship and marriage narcissist was always pushing his and trying to get everyone elses’ info.

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Livia January 18, 2017

I’ve tried Match and POF and Senior People Meet and got nothing. Well, on Match I got a narc charmer who wanted to marry me within three months. Everything out of his mouth was a big fat lie. I’ve went on dozens of dates and the only men I might be interested in have no interest in me. I’m not sure why. I’m attractive, slim, employed, etc. I don’t get drunk and fall in salad bars while out with them. It’s like they think they are WAY cooler than they really are. I’m done with dating sites for good.

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CassDeCourcy August 18, 2016

I used okcupid for several months after a breakup, hoping to meet friends and slowly get to know them and see if it develops into more. It was a disaster. I ended up enduring a covert narc who could actually be more avoidant, and then a particularly nasty covert narc after the first one!

– Both porn addicts, one into photoshopped still images of women who were beyond out of his league, the other into some disgusting daddy dom crap where he liked pictures of women sucking on lolipops saying things like “practicing for daddy.”

– Both compulsive and chronic liars, omg, lying about literally everything just to keep extending the ride. They pretended to be into things I was into, pretended to agree with me even though my intuition caught that they were pretending.

– Resisted and put up a struggle when I wanted to end things.

– No or few irl connections with real people — one of them had no friends and the other had one who also seemed narcy, and this one also held onto his ex as a friend with benefits behind my back.

– One of them was too meek to pull this, but the other negged me horribly, trying to break my confidence down to convince me that I couldn’t do any better. People often tell me that I am very attractive, well this horrible man told me that I’m so physically flawed no other man in the world could want me.

– Video game addiction. They get some kid of fix from winning in video games that they can’t get irl because they are too lowly.

They will set up a certain image for themselves in a dating profile and then try to lure you in by letting you think theres a lot more than there is to them and then making you think you have so much in common — the covert maggoty ones anyway. I could see the more swaggering narc being mr. pedestal; too cool for everyone, oh but you, you are lucky enough to have him, eh?

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    ThePinch August 18, 2016

    I am sorry that you went through this, particularly in the wake of a break up.

    My psychiatrist encouraged me to go on POF because it was free, and a cast of millions.

    I just couldn’t get it right, even after trying 3-4 times.

    Of the ones who were not obviously loaded, obvious predators, or blatantly insulting – that is, about 75% – The balance wanted a pen pal or a woman to call them. Less than 1% were actually interested in meeting.

    Reply
    Ki November 24, 2016

    This sounds like such a frustrating experience. Thank you for sharing – I checked OK Cupid recently to find friends in the area I had moved to, and it was a total waste of time for me as well. Nothing worth telling – no need to upgrade the experience with a story. OK Cupid changed considerably in the past years. I remember checking it out after a long term relationship ended six years ago, and it seemed a colorful and fun place to explore online dating and see “what’s out there”. Back then, I corresponded with three people who were too far to meet in person, and the pen friendship was helpful in re-discovering how to gradually get to know a new person. The one man I met in person seemed very interesting and interested, but shared early on that even eHarmony had told him he was not “matchable” due to his social awkwardness. After a rather disconnected experience sitting through an experimental movie, I ended the conversation. I met two of the international contacts, I traveled to one, the other traveled to meet me, and in both cases it was obvious that we would be friends, but no more. Even those two fizzled out in the past 2 years, but I still feel enriched for the encounters and lessons. –The key to success really seems to be to practice self-validation and go out in the real world, attend meet-up group events, and be very attentive to the people around you in every day situations. Smiling, saying hello, being open… all those things can help connect. I know this is a stretch and an emotional work-out for introverts, but there are meet-up groups and coaches for that, too 🙂 . I am grateful for Kim’s transparent description of Tinder and POF, no need to waste my own time or recommend it to anyone, thank you much! <3

    Reply
Kathleen Reddy August 13, 2016

I am a gay woman, I met a woman on Match. com We dated a year. I went into the hospital, unable to keep our date. she broke up with me in an e mail I read after I got out of the hospital, saying she’s going to work on her relationship with her husband of 35 years. One I didn’t know she was bisexual, and has four grown children, Or that she was married. I did catch her lying, saying she had an Md. But I found out she had a Ph.D. She had more than one home, so I never new about her other life. I met her at the hospital she works at, She is a ceo of. What can I do besides therapy, and working out, and affirmations? It’s been a year and I can’t get rid of my anger. PLEASE HELP.. I have read a couple of your books. Kathleen

Reply
    Kim Saeed October 2, 2016

    Hi Kathleen,

    Thanks for commenting and for reading my books. I wish I had an easy answer to help with your anger, but it’s definitely a process. However, healing is possible. There are typically four phases to recovery from these relationships, which would require more than I can offer here in the comments, but a good place to start would be the Beginner’s Healing Toolkit that I have for free here on the site. It typically takes several different healing modalities to recover from narcissistic abuse, including transformational healing practices.

    Wishing you the best,

    Kim

    Reply
      Kathleen October 2, 2016

      Thank you for your valuable time. And comments…
      Kathleen…

      Reply
Constance July 3, 2016

When I finally looked to see if the ex narcopath had dating profiles I found some where around ten on various dating/hook up/swinger sites. He had one on POF and two on OKcupid.

My tip to anyone newly dating someone is to do a Google search on their phone number. The ex had his number posted on nearly all of the profiles I found.

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    Kim Saeed July 5, 2016

    Thanks for the tip, Constance! 🙂

    Reply
Wendy Nibeck July 3, 2016

YES. NAILED IT. These sites are absolute poison. I’ve never been on Tinder but had one “relationship” from OKC and one from POF. Both only lasted about 5 months and were absolute train wrecks. Both narcissists, lying, cheating manipulative jerks. The opening of this post made me laugh and shake my head. I met the POF guy shortly after Thanksgiving and had a wonderful cozy holiday with him. By April we were in Key West together with the coconut umbrella drinks. A few weeks later he discarded me just at the point he knew I was gearing up to go on job interviews. I never had a good experience, however brief, with anyone I ever met on either of those sites. I’m still healing from my last experience so am not dating, but when I’m ready I will never use a free dating site again, if I use one at all.

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sonali July 2, 2016

I met Dracula on OK Cupid, 3 years of a gradual descent into hell. Fortunately i got away before he was able to totally drain the life out of me and now he’s busy with a new victim/supply.

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    merijoe July 2, 2016

    yep, 3 years-red flags all the time that I denied…until one day the moron sent my cell phone a message he intended to send to another girl, nasty and disgusting…when I confronted him he just calmly said that he wasn’t my boyfriend…this was after 3 years.

    Reply
kiwilifenz July 1, 2016

There is another I know of, it’s worse than POF, it’s called NZDating

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    Kim Saeed July 1, 2016

    Thanks for sharing that, kiwilifenz!

    Reply
Kim June 30, 2016

I met my boyfriend on Tinder 5 months ago and we couldn’t be happier, but I did meet quite a few losers in the process.

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chirose June 29, 2016

“The last place an empathic, intuitive person would want to meet someone is on Tinder.”

This statement.!!! This statement all day.!! Thank you Kim…

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    Kim Saeed June 29, 2016

    Thank you, Chirose! So good to see you here 🙂 And yes, Tinder is absolutely the dating apocalypse!

    Reply
      chirose June 29, 2016

      Yes…it’s good to be here.! Not going anywhere..esp backwards 🙂

      I have a friend on Tinder and she makes me crazy with her stories. So many married men on it too. But she’s not ready to see the truth. Hopefully..one day.

      Thanks Kim for being here too 🙂

      Reply
        Kim Saeed June 29, 2016

        *hugs* <3

        Reply
        merijoe July 2, 2016

        Ha, I know what you mean, a co worker met someone on Match.com, within no time, he sent her texts messages and calls all day and night everyday (yuck) and sent her flowers to the office….she was over the moon, then they got married, she claimed everything was fine, until one day when they had been married less than a year, she caught him at another girls house in his robe…yes, she actually caught him, I think she followed him or something-she’s a feisty Italian -haha. Needless to say, they’re divorced, but it took her a while to get over that disaster and hurt.

        Reply
merijoe June 28, 2016

Im 56 years old – before the days of internet, I met guys thru places I went-didnt mean they wouldn’t turn out to be pigs but at least I got to meet them in person.
When in my early 30’s I did newspaper ads, then after a while starting in my late 30’s, I did the online thing, one of my first was ok cupid…I met someone there in my early 40’s who turned out to be a narcissistic weirdo who only wanted one thing, and it wasnt a committed relationship (at least with me), unfortunately, it took me a while to get over that emotional obsession, by the time I did, it was really too late for me -nature had taken away my ability to have children…I have had 100% bad stuff from every online dating service I joined and that has been over a dozen and the men there…from being stood up, to meeting psychos who boldly put up pictures that were not them or from 20 yrs prior, to being abused verbally or emotionally, to being lied, to promises of love that never happened, to being coaxed to give of myself just to be taken advantage of…You can see, I don’t need an article to keep me away, but keep spreading the word, so others might know.

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Leonardo June 28, 2016

I messaged with this guy from Santa Ana, CA on OKC. He had a beautiful profile and gorgeous pictures.
He “grew up” in South Africa (That’s a big red flag) overseas people always end up asking for money.
We messaged back and forward for few weeks. I decide to use the “Grey Rock” Technic with him. I just wanted to see how far he would go. I gave him my cellphone number (Not smart) but I was able to find out where his number was from, nothing to do with Santa Ana, CA.
I asked what was the day’s weather like in Santa Ana, he gave me Raleigh’s NC weather, like 20 degrees hotter than CA. I told him he was lying and just block his number.
I know there are out there vulnerable people that can fell for people like this guy…
My point is; if someone approaches you mentioning south Africa, the UK, a military career, most likely it’s a scam. the bad grammar used to be notorious as well, I think that has improved these days.
My grammar is not perfect, but my first language is spanish, so my apologies. =)
Leonardo

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Jenn June 28, 2016

Add Our time.com. Every single person I met. At least 15 and I repeat 15 people. Those were only the ones in person and I at one time close to 100 messages from different people on the site that red flags were so bad I did not even respond to the message. Disgusting.

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So good! I’ve been dipping my toes in the water, but the idea of dating really scares the crap out of me! I have been trying out Bumble which gives women all the power, so that one feels the safest so far. I still cant help but swipe left for any guy with a selfie because my inner voice screams “Narcissist!!!!” haha

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ThePinch June 28, 2016

I’d have to agree. Like everybody else, I thought it was MY problem. Sure, you can anticipate some level of flack – that’s what it is, right or wrong, to be female on the internet.

Through training with people like Kim, it’s a lot easier to spot the narcissists; the I I I I aye types; the ones demanding a Rolls Royce or a Bentley; the ones that subtly insult you in the opening words, or start a quarrel (wadya mean you are a female contractor; bet you don’t get dirty.) I do get dirty, and I’ve been doing so since you were a gleam in your Daddy’s eyes.

Bottom line: 95 % had no intention of meeting me. They were just bored. They wanted some kind of “relationship” with a girl without putting any work into it. And therein lies the key. In the real world, there is always an effort – at the very least, to be civil.

Very recently, I just pulled the plug on everything. I’m getting much happier with who I am, thank you very much. I accept that it will take time to get over (in this case) my BPD lover. And I trust the process that always worked for me. \

Until then, I am grateful for my health, my friendships, my sobriety, and for my accomplishments. I am learning that being myself is good enough.

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Shelly June 28, 2016

I’d like to add a site called Black People Meet. Every single man I talked to on there was a classic Narcissist

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    Kim Saeed June 28, 2016

    Hi Shelly! Thanks for the heads-up!

    Reply
ClamDeFacto June 28, 2016

Hi Kim – Your work helped me recover from a love affair with someone who had textbook NPD, Thank You! This post is spot on, for the most part. While recovering from NPD boyfriend, I did use POF and OKC, looking specifically for buddies with similar interests. Three years later I’m off the sites because I’ve found real love, but a few of my current best friends are men I met on these sites. I went into it announcing I only wanted friends who wanted to do a,b,c…which I’m sure helped, but certainly didn’t deter all the creeps. But once I understood red flags and trusted my instincts again, it was really easy to spot unhealthy personality types. Misogyny is still rampant. Maybe he’s not a psychopath, but he still loves to make you feel bad – there’s plenty of him around. But there are nice men who exist who may even be on some of these gross sites because they’re as confused as anyone else as to how to meet…you. But listen, folks, I’m crippled. I can’t spend the day strolling around town or going on all the adventures that guarantee romance and fun. If you can get out into the world and experience the parade of life, do it! That’s where the people are that will encourage you to live your best life. Until then, meet me for online backgammon?

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Gods Glory June 28, 2016

LOL… I enjoy it, you are so correct. POF, I will say I found my worst dates from there. Only the ones that formed into lasting friendships and not romance came from Match, Jdate and Eharmony.

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