6 Best Ways to Get Rid of a Narcissist for Good

By Kim Saeed | Maintaining No Contact

Aug 26

Have you been in a situation where you tried to break free from someone you suspect is a narcissist, but it felt like no matter what you did, you just couldn’t escape their toxic stronghold over your life?

Did you experience the never-ending Hoover where they wouldn’t stop calling you, having flowers delivered, checking out your Facebook page, or even stopping by your place unannounced?

Before you knew it, they were contacting your friends, your family, or even your boss to “ask about you”?

Or, maybe you’re in the middle of a custody battle and it seems the three-ring circus will go on forevermore?

To make matters worse, you keep reading about other people who have already left their toxic partners and seem to be living in Dream land, while you feel utterly powerless to do anything about your own situation?

The first days of trying to maintain No Contact can seem impossible…believe me, I have been there.  It feels like you’re faced with an all-consuming life sentence and feel completely ill-equipped and unprepared to deal with it.  You’re wracked with anxiety, guilt, and fear and you feel like one more encounter with the narcissist will push you over the edge into La La Land.

You wonder… is freedom in the cards for me, or am I doomed to a life of emotional slavery?

And if freedom is possible, what do I need to do to get it?

Today, I answer those questions for you. Normally, what feels like an impossible situation involves seeing things from a different perspective and realizing that you have way more power than you give yourself credit for.  Much of what seems like the narcissist having complete control over your life involves making practical adjustments and cutting out various forms of self-sabotage that keep you entwined with your toxic Ex.

6 Best Ways to Get Rid of a Narcissist

Technically, there are hundreds of ways, but I’ll give you the six most common ones I’ve seen work in the real world.

1 – Block the Narcissist from being able to call

This may seem obvious, but I’ve seen it thousands of times on recovery forums and the comment sections on various blogs.  People are frustrated because the narcissist texted them or left a voicemail, and won’t leave them alone when they’ve made it clear to the narcissist they want to end things. 

This approach leaves all the power in the narcissist’s hands. 

If the narcissist can contact you, it’s not No Contact.  No Contact involves more than simply not calling them or not responding to their texts and voicemails.  That’s No Response and as long as the narcissist has a way to get in touch with you, it will be much harder to move on.  You cannot take a passive stand when it comes to getting rid of the narcissist. 

If you haven’t blocked the narcissist’s phone number, then it’s an indicator, conscious or unconscious, that you aren’t yet serious about ending the relationship.  Maybe you secretly hold out hope they’ll finally change or, at the very least, let you know how sorry they are.   Sadly, neither of those outcomes will ever happen – even if they do apologize, it’s all a smokescreen…as you’ll discover should you make the choice to remain No Response.

2 – Change your cell phone number if necessary

Maybe you have blocked the narcissist, but now they’ve resorted to calling you from different, blocked, or unknown numbers.  In this case, you’re going to need to up the ante. 

It won’t be convenient and it probably feels like the equivalent of having to go to a 15-panel job interview, but if the narcissist has started calling you from different numbers, you’ll want to change your cell phone number – even if you share kids and even if you use your number for work.

If you share custody of your children with your Ex, not sharing your cell phone number with them is part of the Extreme Modified Contact approach.  Allow them access to your landline, instead.  If you don’t have one, order one and then change your cell phone number.

In the case of using your number for work, it’s really not as hard as you might think.  In fact, I just changed mine last week, even though I use my number for work.  

This step is critical because it’s easy to mistake the narcissist’s attempts to contact you as meaning they miss you when in reality, they only want your energy.  This energy may be positive or negative, doesn’t matter.  To the narcissist, they’re equally fulfilling.  In fact, they often enjoy negative energy more.  This is what is meant by emotional vampirism.  You can stop leaking your energy to them- which drains you and makes them feel energized – by blocking them completely. 

3 – Don’t engage if they stop by your place

If you really want to make a point and show the narcissist that you’ve taken your power back, then the only approach to achieve this is to not engage if they show up – especially if they’ve stopped by your place unannounced. 

A normal person would realize that if they’ve been blocked from contacting you, then you are serious about moving forward without them…and they would accept it and move forward, too.

Not narcissists.  Like a jungle cat chasing down a young antelope, they often do not give up at the mere blocking of cell phone access.  Do not mistake them showing up as their having had an epiphany and realizing the depth of pain they’ve caused – even if they’re holding flowers or begging.  In fact, if they try to engage with you, their intention is to cause more damage and trauma because they intuitively understand that this is how they can keep you hooked. 

  • Avoid trying to explain and defend.  This will only lead to a hamster-wheel conversation that leads to nowhere – except emotional collapse on your part. 
  • Mark any packages or flowers that are delivered as “Refused” or “Return to Sender”
  • Don’t mistake packages or flowers as a token of regret or of missing you.  That’s exactly what the narcissist counts on.  In other words, tears = acting and flowers = prop.  Trust me on this.
  • Keep in mind that a restraining order may be necessary.

4 – Release the need to “do something”

Chances are, you’ve been obsessing about writing the narcissist a letter, sharing your discovery of their disorder with them, contacting their spouse or their side-supply, outing them to the public, suggesting couple’s therapy, telling them you’re seeing a therapist or coach because of them, agreeing to “just be friends” or any and all variations of trying to change the inevitable. 

We’ve been taught as a society that we can achieve the impossible if we just don’t give up.  While this may be true in many cases, when it comes to narcissistic abuse, following this advice will lead to  your complete and utter downfall.  No amount of counseling, religion, or herculean efforts on your part will change the outcome.  Not because you lack skills or cannot affect positive change in your life, but because you are dealing with a narcissist.  When you finally stop trying to help, pursue, or change someone else – especially someone who doesn’t want to change – you will, ironically, feel more powerful. 

5 – Find your Rock of Gibraltar

Many people don’t realize that the reason they feel so insecure and needy after going No Contact is because they have an insecure attachment style, which manifests as open, raw emotional wounding, as well as crippling feelings of abandonment and rejection in the wake of narcissistic abuse. 

People with insecure attachment styles focus intently on keeping their partners close, at the expense of their own interests and even their own values.  This partly explains why narcissistic abuse victims cave into demands such as having three-ways or agreeing to work and pay all the bills while the narcissist frolics and plays with their other supply sources. 

This happens because they’re desperately trying to attach to the narcissist, which only leads to more feelings of primal panic.  The only way to counteract this feeling is to find an emotionally available attachment figure after you’ve initiated No Contact.  This might be a friend, family member, therapist, coach, or God – in other words, someone who can be your Rock of Gibraltar…at least during your initial months of No Contact.  (avoid well-meaning, but unhelpful people who tell you to just get over it or insist on asking you why you can’t just leave already).

6 – Renounce the power of the Narcissist

This sixth step is perhaps the most important of all.  It is designed to reverse the impact of your perceived abandonment by questioning the credibility and importance of the narcissist.  Revoke the power you’ve given them by looking closely at his or her integrity.  This involves a transition from idealizing the narcissist to making a realistic assessment of their actual importance.

For example, why would you let the narcissist dictate whether or not you’re desirable/attractive/ worthy/important when you know they’re a pathological liar? 

Why take to heart their seemingly “heartfelt” last email or letter explaining all the reasons they can’t be with you when, in reality, they know you will take the blame on your shoulders and the letter is simply their way of justifying their bailing on you for the new supply? (who they’ll immediately triangulate with you, by the way)

Why feel guilty and inefficient when they point out how you “weren’t capable” of being able to work 12- hour days, plus keep up the house, plus make homemade meals, plus keep up with all the anniversaries and birthdays of your relatives when all the narcissist did was plant their butt on the couch, eating pizza, and binging on Netflix (and/or porn) for weeks on end?

Why poo-poo other peoples’ praiseful comments about your attractiveness, accomplishments, creativity, and grit, but then internalize the narcissist’s self-serving (and FALSE) criticisms?

You may be getting it now…yes, the narcissist is simply a colossal dud in disguise and they’ve tried their darnedest to keep you from seeing it by tearing down your self-esteem.  What kind of human being does that?  Those who are Cowards and Washouts.

It definitely hurts when someone you love seems to reject you. but you must remember that narcissists play on your fear of abandonment to keep you in their snare, while at the same time, causing you to put them on a pedestal.  

It’s time to knock them off the pedestal and see them for who they really are.  

COPYRIGHT 2016.  KIM SAEED AND LET ME REACH

WANT TO LEAVE ABUSE AND MISERY BEHIND, BUT NEED HELP?  ENROLL IN THE NO CONTACT BOOTCAMP .

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(28) comments

Nancy April 30, 2017

I have 2 kids with this monster. He managed to convince the judge to let my kids move to another state with him. I only see them one weekend a month and summer time. He’s still taking me to court to take more time away from me. I owe my lawyer more than my house. How can I do no contact when kids are involved???

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Diane November 13, 2016

I’ve gone no contact with my aspd covert narc mother. She’s evil. I want to know if I can get a court order indefinitely that she must leave me alone. I simply cut her off without telling her why and I did that because narcs deny they have a problem. I can’t even tell her she’s disordered. Which means she will continue to try to interact with me. I never want to hear her voice nor see her face ever again my life and I want a court order to do this. Is this possible?

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    Kim Saeed November 15, 2016

    Hi Diane. That would depend on which state you live in and what kind of proof you have that would warrant a permanent restraining order.

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Name Withheld October 6, 2016

My naropath is my daughter’s mother. She has brainwashed my daughter and produced triangulated violence. I want to fight for my child, but that requires negotiation. My daughter is the weapon now. This is hopelessly painful. I don’t know how to proceed. Please advise.

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    Kim Saeed October 12, 2016

    Hi Name Withheld,

    Thank you for sharing your experience and I am sorry to learn of your struggles. I wish I could offer a brief recommendation, but it’s hard to do here on this platform and without knowing more about your history. If you’d like to schedule a clarity session, I do offer one-to-one appointments. In the meantime, wishing you the very best.

    Kim

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Jackie September 28, 2016

My partner and who I thought was the love of my life has done this to me for 4 years. I’m April we had a fight and he left me and our then 1 year old daughter to go home (another state) for the past 6 months he has been gone we have been talking, him wanting to come home but not having the money and was saving up, said all the right things, sent me presents etc and now a month before he was going to come back he has orchestrated an argument and then stopped speaking to me, after saying he will never be good enough and I should go find someone else and stop tormenting him. Now he calls on Sunday’s to FaceTime our baby but that’s it. Tonight out of the blue he had messaged me telling me to stay safe in the storms we are having. I feel heart broken that literally he loved me one day and the next day I was nothing. How can I do no contact and block him when we have a child together? Is like to, he’s done nothing for her. I feel bad for her even though at nearly 2 she doesn’t have any kind of bond with him other than he’s Dadda in the phone. HELP!

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    Kim Saeed September 29, 2016

    Hi Jackie, that would depend on what your court agreement is regarding custody. If there isn’t one in place, then you don’t really need to do Facetime with him. In fact, if there isn’t one in place, you should go to the court yourself and file for primary custody and child support. Secondly, you don’t need to leave yourself open for him to contact you whenever he feels like it. You can absolutely set some boundaries around this situation.

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Anonymous September 28, 2016

My partner and who I thought was the love of my life has done this to me for 4 years. I’m April we had a fight and he left me and our then 1 year old daughter to go home (another state) for the past 6 months he has been gone we have been talking, him wanting to come home but not having the money and was saving up, said all the right things, sent me presents etc and now a month before he was going to come back he has orchestrated an argument and then stopped speaking to me, after saying he will never be good enough and I should go find someone else and stop tormenting him. Now he calls on Sunday’s to FaceTime our baby but that’s it. Tonight out of the blue he had messaged me telling me to stay safe in the storms we are having. I feel heart broken that literally he loved me one day and the next day I was nothing. How can I do no contact and block him when we have a child together? Is like to, he’s done nothing for her. I feel bad for her even though at nearly 2 she doesn’t have any kind of bond with him other than he’s Dadda in the phone.

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Lynn Rodriguez September 9, 2016

Hi there! I could use some help and advice. Please tell me how you did it😩 I’m currently married to a narcissist trying to get out. He has stripped me of everything. No transportation, we have one vehicle which he only drives. He has withheld alot of things and is aware of the fact that i want out of our marraige. We’ve been together for five years,married for three. We have two boys together. I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is currently living in orlando with my father because of his abuse towards her. I really dont know what to do. I know i have to be wise in planning my way out. I just would like any advice you can give. What should i expect and look out for during the divorce process?? I have the packet but have not filed yet because i would much rather do it once i am no longer under the same roof. Im trying to play it cool for now. But really stressed because I’ve been a stay at home mom for two years now. I have no job no money no place to go currently. He’s been gaslighting and love bombing the past few weeks. Anything he can do to try to change my mind. But im remaining strong and firm in my decision. He is very possesive and im aware that he’ll do all he can to prevent me from leaving. I don’t want any contact with him once the divorce is finalised, but he wants to be able to see his boys. How should i go about that once this is final. Seems like it will take forever to get out but i am fighting to remain positive.

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    Giselle September 10, 2016

    I would contact a domestic violence shelter, they deal with situations like yours all the time and should be able to help you put together a plan to leave.

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      Lynn Rodriguez September 11, 2016

      Thank you! I’ll give that a try

      Reply
Catherine September 9, 2016

Thank you for your comment, Giselle. I actually wrote down a list of the horrible things he did/said to me and I carry it with me. When I feel sad I look at it. It helps me to not romanticize the memories. He discovered that I unfriended him a couple of days ago and the next day when he discovered it, I received nasty texts & phone calls. He then made sure to tell me that he was going to block me from everything “because he wouldn’t want me to see pictures of him with his somebody new, that it would hurt me too much & wouldn’t be nice”
HAHAHA
I reminded him that I was the one who unfriended him!! Again he repeated it–still trying to get his last zingers in while I was showing complete indifference! So juvenile!!!
He has some tires out in my yard that he needs to pick up, hopefully next week when I’m at work and then I will completely block his number on cell & house phone. I’ve spoken to a counselor and am feeling strong right now. I hope I stay on my path and continue to not look back.

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    Gisell September 10, 2016

    Nice! I got that sort of behavior from mine too. Called me from ANOTHER number just to let me know he knew I blocked him. Then MONTHS later showed up at my house with gifts wanting to “talk”. Ha! I just looked at him and said “It really isn’t a good time” fortunately he left after standing there for a few minutes like a fool. I’d put the tires on the street and tell him he can pick them up and block him from everything. Not your job to store his things. Block him everywhere, don’t engage and you’ll get less and less “good memories”. It’s great like that. I have zero feelings for my ex. Ok they get more and more negative the longer it goes from our breakup, but I romanticise nothing from that relationship now. Just got a message on instagram from some girl who was friends with his brother (who passed away) asking me for pics of his brother. Block block block. I want NOTHING to do with anything that has to do with him. Period.

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Catherine September 5, 2016

I have been in a relationship for only 4 months with a Narcissist, I’m lucky I recognized it early on. It still does not make it any easier to try and move on from this. I still reply in my head all of the events leading up to the silent treatments that I would receive. They were always initiated by the most trivial things…..he would give me the silent treatment and ignore me & disrespect me in my own home. I was manipulated into asking what was wrong only to have everything switched around on me. I would end up thinking it was all my fault! Add to this a man who has a drinking problem and terrible financial difficulties. I have never felt so preyed upon in my entire life. I have changed my locks & changed my debit card #. I know in my head that I am so much better off without this man in my life, but how to I stop my heart from hurting? Perhaps I need therapy to figured out why I would even want a person like this in my life? Today I took the first step and unfriended him from my Facebook page. HIs posts portray somebody he is not and I’m tired of looking at the phoniness of it all. I hope I find the strength to realize I deserve better.

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    Giselle September 6, 2016

    Just keep reminding yourself about the person he REALLY is. I think we miss them because we hang onto the ideal that we created in our mind about what a fantasic person they were and how they made us feel etc. Remember the BAD stuff. The good was an illusion anyway. Once I woke up and saw my ex for the person he really was once and for all, I never looked back. It took him breaking up with me 10,000 times, cheating and leaving over and over and over again but eventually he pulled the same thing and I let him walk and felt good about it.

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Hannah September 1, 2016

I spent 11years with a disordered Narcissist, he had affairs but would never admit his guilt as of course I was to blame. He drummed it into me for years that I was nothing without him, that not many people really liked me and I’d only achieved professionally because of what he had sorted out for me. I spent 11yrs trying to win his love, through sex, money and putting him first. He wouldn’t marry me or have children with me because he always blamed me for the relationship not being right. However it was ok for me to love and care for his children from two other relationships that he is a useless father to. I provided him with the cover story that he was in a settled and loving set up, that he’d changed…..but he hasn’t changed. He’s now with a woman who’s got 3 children by three different men, the youngest is 3yrs old. I would have given anything to be a mum and here he is playing happy families when he couldn’t even look after his own.
I’m 38yrs old, I feel worthless, have no confidence with even today I had a panic attack that stopped me from attending an important meeting. Its 2 1/2 months since he kicked me out of our home and I’m on my second attempt at NC- day 10. I feel empty, a failure and alone. He get the odd email from him, him playing the victim and blaming me for things and of course the words that would keep me waiting for him to come back to me again in the future. It hurts like hell but I hope to come out of the other side the bright and bubbly girl I once was

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    Kim Saeed September 1, 2016

    Hi Hannah, thank you for sharing. I know how painful it is because I’ve been there. The good news is that it’s very possible to find happiness again.

    However, the first step is to remove his ability to contact you – to send you the emails which are nothing more than a ploy to keep you hooked so you might never move on.

    That’s why I’ve created this blog and other resources for people just like you – because happiness is on the other side of No Contact, where you can finally heal and move on.

    Kindly,

    Kim

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Melinda September 1, 2016

So much truth in this! When I finally woke up and went no contact, it was like a cloud had lifted. Unfortunately there are other narcs in my life whom I CAN’T be completely free of, but in the case of my romantic relationships? I’m free and it feels good to not be surrounded by toxic people anymore.

I think what helped me relinquish the hold he had over me was realizing that I deserved better. As a young woman who grew up in an abusive home, I was conditioned to accept being treated poorly.
But when I started to value myself more, his treatment of me was no longer acceptable. I could no longer tolerate the disrespect, the cheating, the racism, the verbal/emotional abuse…and not only from him, but also his family and friends.

He passed away a few months ago after being ill. It might sound cruel because I once loved him dearly, but now I can’t feel anything. I’m not sad about his death, just indifferent.
Which is remarkable considering the number of times I cried over him in the past, but what can I say? I’m older and much smarter now than I was back then.

What also helped me was trying to surround myself with positive people. Spending time with narcissists is the WORST thing anyone can do if you want to be mentally and emotionally healthy.
The toxic people in my life all convinced me that I was worthless, fat, ugly, stupid, lazy, bad, selfish, etc…and I believed it.

I still believe it to some extent because it is hard to fully shake off YEARS of cruelty. But now I believe it a lot less than I used to. When I remember being called stupid? I practice self-compassion. I made mistakes in my past, but that doesn’t make me stupid. My ex loved to insult my intelligence and now I think it was a way to feel better about himself.
When I remember being called ugly and told that I have “bad” hair? Again, self-compassion is key. Not everyone can appreciate my kind of beauty and that’s OK.
I gained a lot of weight because of the abuse taking such a toll on me, but I’m working on getting back into shape. I’m trying to be more positive despite my challenges. I’m trying to love myself despite what has happened in my life. I’m praying that I can be healed of my clinical depression.

Now I see that the key to eliminating a narcissist is to love yourself. They hate it when you are strong and confident because it’s more difficult to control you, and to hurt you.
The better you feel about yourself, the less likely you will be to take shit from anyone…excuse my language, but it’s true!

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BridgetJones August 27, 2016

But after 25 years of what I thought was a loving marriage and this is the first time the mask came off (affair) do I owe it to him to give him a chance if he gets therapy? I’m so lost. He can’t decide if he wants to be married or not. It all hit me like a tsunami. I had no idea. He seems to think because he was faithful for 25 years that he DESERVES this. I’m speechless. It’s all about him, not about my pain.He was/is willing to throw it all away for someone he knew a handful of weeks. I’m “in love”…this is my “soulmate”…What to do???

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    Freedom at last August 27, 2016

    I know this is going to sound harsh, but honestly, therapy doesn’t help a narcissist. It only gives them more knowledge of how to be perceived as “normal.” If he “can’t decide” if he wants to be married or not, he is essentially belittling you, and you’re worth way more than that! I was with my ex N for a total of 23 years (married for 10), so I understand having the “time” invested, but believe me when I say they don’t change, they KNOW right from wrong, but just don’t care! They always manage to turn it back on themselves, expecting pity…my ex was a master at that! You are entitled to your feelings, your anger, your heartbreak. Please know that you are not alone!

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    original gangster August 28, 2016

    I agree if someone “can’t decide” if they want to be in a relationship with you, that is your GIANT red flag to leave. No one who genuinely wants to be with you will be unsure.
    I can’t imagine you’d end up here simply because your SO had an affair, if you believe him to be a narcissist then no. This wasn’t it, it won’t be it and you owe him nothing.
    You are in love with a fantasy of who you wanted him to be (if you follow step 6 you will have many realizations) and he is pretending to be your “soulmate”…I’d hope anyone who is a “soulmate” wouldn’t be a cheater, that is a huge disqualification to me.
    This is coming from someone who was with a cheater, who got caught. I took him back, he went to therapy blah blah blah. it wasn’t worth it. There are people out there worthy of your love and loyalty. Narcissists aren’t them.

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    Gina September 11, 2016

    Get out of there asap; file for divorce. Your self respect,integrity on the line. Then craft a new life for your self with care, boundaries, NC. Good luck,stay focused on the outcome and relish living,again. xo

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laura August 27, 2016

I want to go NC with my narc parents without putting them to jail,but it’s not possible.I want to do it peacefully and without revenge,but reality forces me to go to the police.They have a copy of the key to my house (i couldn’t refuse to give them the key).They show up uninvited.They call me every evening,especially before bed,so that i won’t sleep the night.I don’t feel safe in my own home,and i’m 100% SURE they will never accept no contact.I don’t want to do it the hard way,but i have to.They give me no other choice.The restraint order is not a solution for me,as they’d never respect it.Verbal boundaries that i tried to set during 33 years (my age),they all failed,one by one.I’m emotionally exhausted,just when i have to get ready for the biggest challenge of my life:my fight for freedom!

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ThePinch August 26, 2016

Thank you again, Kim. You are a lifesaver. NC definitely works!

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Tami Leigh August 26, 2016

Love all of your work.. day 5 and feeling better each day thank you

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    Kim Saeed August 26, 2016

    Woo Hoo!! Virtual high-five! 🙂

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sunnychapman August 26, 2016

Thanks to your book I was able to go NC IMMEDIATELY, the day after the breakup, and stay NC ever since. It’s been 8 months now and in those 8 months of having that psycho out of my life and working on myself, I have blossomed and thrived.
I feel like the old me died with him and a new better me was born out of the ashes. I could never have done this if I stayed in touch with him. There were times I wanted to call him and scream at him but instead I wrote long letter about all the awful things he did- but never sent them. No Contact is essential for healing.

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    Kim Saeed August 26, 2016

    Thank you so much for sharing! I have a tear in my eye…I’m so happy for you!! 🙂

    Reply
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