The Piety of Toxic Love

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Jan 04
Narcissist Valentine's

Narcissist Valentine's

I was with my Ex for over eight years.

I am unable to recall a single Valentine’s Day spent with him.

I literally cannot summon up one miniscule facet of those eight holidays.

It seems they’ve been gridlocked from my memory.

And frankly, I don’t want or need to remember.

Some things are better left forgotten…

better left slouching in the cold, frozen night from whence those black moments were born.

Instead, I abscond gingerly to unsullied vistas where the earth is not deprived of its color.

Where my individuality is celebrated, no longer a conviction.

A place where I can breathe in green air

and the mornings offer their gracious possibilities.

In his unraveling of me, I discovered a gem of recognition.

Acknowledgement of the heavy truth

that I needed his darkness to discover my light.

© Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach, 2016

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(9) comments

Mary Lee Morgan January 4, 2017

Thanks, Kim. For me it was 50 years. Did I need that? I know that I like me a whole lot better today, in my new, now colorful vistas. I liked me better even before I left, and even now, knowing that 50 years will have a different effect on me than fewer years would have. But I am learning to breathe in green air and value mornings with their gracious possibilities.

Reply
    Dawn Shaffer January 6, 2017

    U stayed as long as I did I am soo damaged. I don’t have that much time left…So much wasted time

    Reply
Daisy January 4, 2017

The earth was left deprived of its color. For me it was 17 years. It has been four years since the divorce. It has been four years since I initiated no contact. I’m finally free. There are huge, blessed holes in my memory, but I remember enough to never want any contact with him, EVER, I get up each morning grateful to live in peace instead of fear.

Reply
Candyce January 4, 2017

Love this…after 2 and 1/2 years I am finally discovering the gem and the light that I have…finally on the real road to recovery and I will not let anyone put me back there again…

Reply
Smile and Breathe January 4, 2017

Beautiful writing. It was in the early moments of this realization I fell into the false light of another. Having also cut that off recently, I am appreciating this paradigm again with an even deeper understanding. Always appreciate your words, thanks Kim.

Reply
    NLK January 9, 2017

    I wonder about other women the Narcissist bring up, seemingly out of nowhere, in reverie, but aloud. Someone in their recent or late past, and they say something to elevate them, almost wishing they were there to replace you. Or so it seems. It seems they are thinking of them they whole time they are with you, even in the bedroom.

    Is this really happening or is this a conscious triangulation?

    Will they do that with my memory to the next victim? Use me as a force for evil–lol!

    Reply
      Kim Saeed January 9, 2017

      Hi NLK, yes, what you describe is not uncommon. It’s not only conscious triangulation, but a ploy to lower your self-esteem and/or activate abandonment wounds in order to keep you hooked. Yes, I’m sure your name will come up in various situations and circumstances. Could already be happening as I type this.

      Kim

      Reply
        NLK January 9, 2017

        So the reverse is also true–these women he now uses against me, were prior victims and heard the same kinds of comparisons to the others before them. They were in no way any more special, and he didn’t “love” the others in the past any more than he will “love” the others in the future–that wiring is missing, replaced by a different kind of apparatus to suit Narcissist needs.

        And, by what you verified in prior comment, for him to bring up another woman while we are IN BED for no reason, we weren’t even speaking of such, but to say something regarding that seems like a non-sequitar, coming out of nowhere, is in truth, not from nowhere, but consciously said for the result that will follow (upsetting me, making me feel “less than” and wishing I were her, making it appear that he’s thinking of the other while with me–when in truth, he’s not missing her–anymore than he’d be missing me, but using her as a chess piece in his game against me).

        And it works. I become obsessesed and add importance to a matter that doesn’t (matter).

        One more thing: When we first lived together, it seems he changed his shopping pattern (we shopped together) to the next town over where he’s most recent victim lived, as if he were hoping we’d run into her. We never did as she was dying at the time (he didn’t know, she didn’t want him to be notified, even at death). Could you tell me WHAT WOULD HE GAIN FROM US MEETING LIKE THAT?
        In my victim mind, I can only think he wanted to make her jealous(because he still wanted her), have her see me and how supposedly great looking I was, and that he wanted me to see how great looking a person she may have been, and finally, that he truly wanted to see her again; YET, you would say that NONE of the above are true–you’d probably say he just wanted to up the drama because she moved on and his ego needed her to see he also did (ie, he gets rid of them on his terms, as always) AND to make me crazy. AND her too, if possible, but I think her new mate was saavy enough to prevent this. IS THIS CORRECT?

        Finally, many who loved him, now hate him, and hate is a strong word, yet for some reason, he thinks they all love him, like it’s still the pastt–is this common for Narcissist, to continue people are holding torches for them after thirty-forty years? And, is is also common for someone who is terminal, who HAD loved him, to make a complete reversal (after experiencing his cruelty) and not ever want him notified, specifically not have him told of their passing? What does it matter at that point that they still want the Narcissist out of their life/death? This has actually happened.

        Reply
        NLK January 9, 2017

        I must say, that seems like a lot of work for the Narcissist to do–this CONSCIOUS triangulation, all for some attention and to diminish another. Doesn’t it seem so to you? Is it some Narcissistic Logic in play?

        Reply
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