Tips to Master Self-Discipline While Going No Contact

By Kim Saeed | Living Joyfully after No Contact

Apr 24
tips master self-discipline

One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself when detaching from a toxic relationship is learning to master the art of self-discipline. Learning how to tell yourself no is an important step to becoming a stronger and more resilient person.  This is especially true when you are trying to maintain No Contact with an emotional abuser.

While practicing self-discipline in the midst of urges to make contact isn’t easy, there are many benefits to mastering this art of personal control:

1 – Self-discipline can help you achieve your recovery goals and realize your dream of freedom. Many times, achieving the recovery goals you set for yourself requires you to sacrifice time, money and energy you might prefer to spend on other things. Are you willing to have this dedication? Are you willing to invest in resources that will help you escape your abusive situation instead of trying to lone-wolf it? 

People who are trying to escape a toxic relationship with a narcissist generally need supportive resources and people to help them through the withdrawal and emotional pain of detaching from love that hurts.  Are you taking empowering steps to remove yourself from a toxic relationship?

2 – Self-discipline helps you get more done. By cutting out time wasters in your day, you can accomplish more every day and reach your healing sooner. Without the self-discipline to stick to a task, you can be easily distracted by less important details. Are you willing to remove these distractions, such as deactivating the social media profiles you use to spy on your Ex?

3 – Self-discipline helps you have greater focus. By shutting out the things that take you away from your recovery goals, you can focus on what is most important. You can’t say yes to everything and everyone; you must be able to focus on one thing at a time and do it well. This might mean not going to the bar with your best friend on Saturday night, and instead staying home to watch feel-good rom coms and eat pizza.  It might mean instead of spending hours on Facebook every evening, you shut off your phone and spend time with your children or your pet.  

Focus is nearly impossible to achieve without self-discipline, and your recovery goals are nearly impossible to achieve without focus. Are you willing to focus intensely on extricating yourself from your abuser?  Are you willing to train yourself to engage in new, healing habits?

The keys to self-discipline are simple. If you make a commitment to yourself, guard it with your life!

Part of self-discipline is self-respect. In order to live the life you truly desire, you need to care for yourself properly.

Respect every part of yourself:

1 – Respect your body. Pay attention to the signals your body sends you. We’re masterfully created, and your body will tell you when something is out of balance. Listen to the signals and treat yourself with VIP handling to be the strongest and most productive you can be!

Consider adding exercise or yoga to your daily routine to help you achieve balance in your body and mind.

2 – Nurture your mind by filling it with positive, engaging information.

  • Read books about recovery instead of reading the 100th book about narcissists.
  • Engage in meaningful discussions with people of all backgrounds and philosophies, thereby taking your mind away from the abuse and helping your brain develop new synapses and thought patterns instead of hard-wiring it to obsess about the narcissist.
  • Avoid negative people and conversations.  Stay away from nay-sayers and gossip hounds.
  • Listen to joyful, uplifting music or healing affirmations instead of letting the television flood your mind with commercialism and negativity.

3 – Respect the spiritual part of yourself. It’s important to feel connected to something larger than you are. Connect with your Creator by meditating, praying or spending time in nature.

  • Attend worship services at a local church, if that’s part of your belief system.
  • Allow the spiritual side of yourself to become stronger and more important to you.
  • Base decisions on the greater good rather than simply what feels good at the time.

4 – Respect your physical health. Taking good care of your health requires self-discipline. Your body will help you accomplish amazing things if you treat it properly!

  • Eat a healthy diet.  Empaths and Highly Sensitive people in particular need to eat a healthy diet to avoid adrenal burnout.
  • Get plenty of rest and exercise.  Exercise not only helps release endorphins, it clears out your lymphatic system.
  • Strive to maintain a healthy weight.
  • Refuse to smoke.
  • Avoid over indulging in caffeine or alcohol.  
  • If quitting both cigarettes and alcohol at the same time seems like too much of a burden, quit one first and work on the other later.

5 – Respect your time. This includes your work time, family time, playtime and personal time. Make space in your life for every area. Schedule family time and alone time just as you do work time and other obligations.

  • By adding everything to your written agenda, you create a priority within yourself and self-discipline helps you stick to your priorities.

If you want to live your life to the fullest and achieve your goals, self-discipline is a must. Learning how to control your impulses and make strong decisions is one of the best things you can do for yourself. This kind of discipline can bring you the life and peace of mind you desperately need.

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(15) comments

Michele May 24, 2017

OK – I broke No-Contact! OMG I was doing so well. For some reason, I texted him about a stupid bill and it took off from there. I was screwed in the divorce for which I am seeking legal counsel and I took on way more debt because I just wanted him gone and now I’m unemployed and trying like hell to make ends meet. He could care a less.

So after texting back and forth, I said that I couldn’t do this. I broke my own pact with myself and told him I thought I was further along in my healing than I was. That I wouldn’t be texting him again. I’m sure that was a boost for his old ego. He has his supply of 3 months and I have to get healthy. This is stupid that I thought I could just be “his friend”.

Our divorce was final 3/28/17 and I moved to another state in April. I blocked him on FB and my phone and then yesterday, I unblocked everything and made contact. I was weak and now I’m back to the kicked in the stomach, raw feeling again. Why?? I thought …. I don’t know what I thought 🙁 I’m so disgusted with myself.

Reply
    Rosie May 25, 2017

    Michele, try not to be so hard on yourself. Now you start over with no contact, and this time you will be stronger, right? You had been doing so well, you can do it again!

    Reply
k April 27, 2017

I have been no contact since December, 2016. What has helped is that he has not tried in any way to contact me. It’s been so funny to me because he thinks he is hurting me but I am so thankful for this because I still do not feel strong and I am an otherwise very strong person. In December when he broke it off i felt much like what I imagine drug withdrawal to be like and I in no way mean to minimize that struggle by saying that. But it was sometimes a minute to minute, second to second battle with myself to not text, not pick up the phone and call him. Even now I still envision contacting him although at this point I can quickly bring to mind the valid reasons I shouldn’t and I move on.

Reply
JIll April 27, 2017

Resisting social media has been the hardest part for me. She’s “right there”. A click away. And 50% of the time I look, and I regret it, because she’s with new supply, and they look completely happy, and it ruins my day/week, and the other 50% of the time, she’ll post of picture of herself with my shirt on or an old picture of something nostalgic between her and I, and I know she’s reaching out, and my heart skips a beat, and it’s like a drug to see that. But looking is always a crap shoot, and I actually wince in those seconds before her page comes up because it could lead to complete anger and devastation or validation. One never knows. I need to stop.

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    Rosie April 27, 2017

    I know exactly how you feel. My heart always pounds like crazy when I click on his facebook page, and I am always so sorry I looked. I block him, but it is just way to easy to push unblock. I haven’t looked in over a week, a miracle for me. If I can do it you can too. I have found it is helping not to look, and it does seem to be getting easier. A little bit of out of sight, out of mind

    Reply
      Anonymous April 27, 2017

      Last time I blocked her, she contacted me from a fake account and wrote “you blocked me. Ha ha you still love me”. Imagine? Blocking her was narc supply! I just need to not look. That’s it. Willpower.

      Reply
      Michele May 11, 2017

      I totally understand! I had to block both HIM and his new supply because of damage it was doing to my heart and soul. I blocked anyone and everyone associated with the two of them. I had to. I, too, would block and un-block. The saddest part is the self-blame I have done over their affair and my discard. It takes it’s toll but it is just like a heroin addiction. One day I go without, is one day closer to healing and recovery.

      Reply
Paula April 27, 2017

What if that person is your daughter? How do I have no contact? I mean, we’re just about there as it is, but for life? I know only God can change this situation around. This is spiritual warfare.

Reply
Paula April 27, 2017

What if that person is your daughter? How do I have no contact? I mean, we’re just about there as it is, but for life? I know only God can change this situation around. This is spiritual warfare.

Reply
Hope April 25, 2017

This sounds good on paper….but in my situation I have young children with him and because of the systemic lupus I’m not able to work a full time job with benefits.
My attorney said that until I was capable of financially supporting my children and myself, he would advise not to divorce…
How is any of this possible for me? Is there any hope?

Reply
    Kim Saeed April 26, 2017

    Hi Hope,

    I wish I had an easy answer, but I don’t…being under the cloud of narcissistic and emotional abuse causes persistent physical manifestations, and I would imagine this has made your lupus symptoms worse over time. If you have family you could live with until you could recover,I would recommend doing that and then reconsidering divorce.

    Kim

    Reply
      Anonymous April 27, 2017

      Kim,
      I feel like I am living in hell. I have been in a relationship for 6 years. I have tried to go no contact for the last 3 years, all have been unsuccessful. When I feel like I am moving on he has when to the extreme as to steal my belongings until I have to talk to him.
      I am at the point now that it is easier to be in a relationship then to deal with the drama.. I feel trapped and I feel crazy..

      Reply
        P April 27, 2017

        The reply I received was not to my question. I don’t have Lupus? My question is:What if that person is your daughter? How do I have no contact? I mean, we’re just about there as it is, but for life? I know only God can change this situation around. This is spiritual warfare.

        Reply
Rosie April 24, 2017

This was just what I needed, I have been having a problem resisting the urge to look at the ex’s facebook page, everytime I cave to the temptation I greatly regret it. The pictures of him and the new woman still upset me, even after 13 months of no contact. Why, I do not know. I will follow the excellent advice in this article the best I can, I don’t want to waste amymore of my precious time fretting over something that is over and done.

Reply
    Alexis chilcott June 4, 2017

    I meet a handsome guy and eventually we got married way too fast he was such a loving person at first soon after he started showing some behaviors that I know was not normal like telling I’m talking about him and accuse me of texting men he soon after got into my phone and read my messages he got violent with me three time I forgive him but i continue to see different signs he love his phone he hides and text he love Facebook and all the other social media I never herd of the word narcissist before but one day I was on Facebook scrolling and saw this article saying 10 reasons you may married to a narcissist I started reading and God lead me to my answer I convinced him he may be a narcissist and told him if he don’t get help I’m leaving he accepts and I made an appointment for the physiologist we went to the first session while in the session the phycologist told him he speaking like a narcissist he never went back he always flirt with other women when I’m with him really the first thing I notice when we got together he wash his face constantly and always in the mirror he would always ask me if his face looks good I told him that behavior is obnormal any way I had enough he always want me to give him money when I told him no I’m going to lend him he gets angry when he has to pay me back I finally stop talking to him for a week now he realize I don’t want him so he pack his things and leave today I’m beautiful and I’m independent I don’t have to stay in this marriage I wish him good luck because no woman that is sane will stay with him when he knows I have money he gets angry when I tell him I don’t have he never pays his bills on time he has several parking tickets he already had two accidents in less than a year he like fraud I had enough enough is enough I don’t miss him at all every time we go out he make sure I cry he always like to see me unhappy what kind of life is this I bless him he will meet the wrong woman one day I will get my reward thanks for reading one love Alexis

    Reply
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