Why Narcissistic Abuse is so damaging

Why Narcissistic Abuse is so Damaging

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Why does narcissistic abuse often affect us so differently than other traumatic events?

It goes without saying that all traumatic events are deeply impactful and life-altering.  They knock us into an emotional tailspin, threatening our sense of security about life, and they often force us to make serious changes in the way we live. 

Consider muggings, car accidents, and earthquakes.  A mugging happens because someone needs money and they think you have it.   Car accidents (where you are not at fault), like natural disasters, are random, outwardly meaningless events that can be just as devastating as muggings, if not more so, because they may result in permanent physical injuries or the destruction of your most cherished property. 

Any of these three events, obviously, can cause permanent emotional scarring, but they are all in a different category than narcissistic abuse.  Narcissistic abuse FEELS different.  It has its damaging effects on a different psychological level.  It is not just an emotional injury, it is a spiritual injury.

The main reasons for this are that narcissistic abuse is deliberately inflicted by someone you love and it targets you for who you are, the very ESSENCE of you.  It is a long-term, calculated campaign to make you feel unworthy and despise yourself, and to have you believe other people view you in the same light.

A mugging is based on any person who walks by who has a purse or wallet. Car crashes happen because someone wasn’t paying attention, a tire blows out, or because of inclement weather.  And earthquakes are just random natural events.  Muggings, car crashes, and earthquakes can happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime…but they have nothing to do with the sort of person you are.

Narcissistic abuse, on the other hand, is calculated to focus like a laser beam on just this dimension of your psyche.  The narcissistic abuser wants you to believe that no one cares about you, and that no one should care about you, because you, as a person, are not loveable, have no redeeming qualities, and are a waste of space and time. 

The abuser learns your hopes, dreams, fears, painful memories…and turns them all against you in order to weaken your spirit and make it more compliant with the abuser’s wishes.  The narcissistic abuser takes advantage of your forgiving personality and repeatedly exploits your fear of abandonment in order to make you more dependent on them and more likely to stay attached to them—despite (or rather, paradoxically, because of) the misery you find yourself in.

 

Traumatic events and natural disasters may change our physical capacities, our way of life, and our outlook for the foreseeable future, but in many cases, they can also instill a renewed motivation for life, love, and healthy relationships.  They can create challenges and hardships for us, but, because they do not devastate our feelings of self-worth, they do not crush our spirit. 

Narcissistic abuse, in contrast, is soul-crushing.  That is why the trauma feels so different and also why it is so much more difficult to overcome.  We are left feeling so utterly helpless and hopeless in our spirit.  We feel we lack the spiritual strength to stand up for ourselves and escape our misery, so we instead keep digging ourselves into a deeper spiritual hole.

Why Narcissistic Abuse is So Damaging

That is how narcissistic abuse works, why it is so debilitating, and why it feels different than other forms of emotional trauma.  And these are the reasons why I don’t believe people should try to make things work with a narcissist, regardless of whether they’re a lover, spouse, sibling, parent, co-worker, or friend.  The only hope for a victim of narcissistic abuse is to make a clean split from the source of the spiritual injury.

And this why I become outraged every time I see a licensed counselor or psychology PhD touting the possibility of a repaired relationship with a narcissist.  Such empty promises serve only to exacerbate the narcissism epidemic we’re experiencing right now, as well as the emotional suffering experienced by targets of this kind of abuse—to say nothing of the tragic indirect effects narcissistic abuse has on the victims’ families and the wider community.

And these are also the reasons why I do not encourage sympathizing with narcissists, or viewing them more like helpless, wounded individuals rather than the cruel and sadistic tormentors they really are.  They may have been wounded as children and that’s unfortunate, for sure.  But those children are long gone, leaving only an adult with an underdeveloped level of emotional maturity, non-existent emotional intelligence, and deficient attachment capabilities.   What’s left in that child’s place is merely a scheming manipulator who doesn’t give a care about anyone except themselves. 

Instead of feeling sorry for a lost child who has grown into an adult who’s hell-bent on destruction and chaos at all costs, we should instead focus on the children we have in our families, our schools, and our societies.  We should focus on removing our own children from toxic environments, when possible, so they have a chance at healing and developing a healthy sense of self.  We should focus on the children we have now so we can heal generational dysfunction instead of perpetuating it.

We shouldn’t forget about the past, because it’s often the past that keeps us from repeating mistakes and helps us stay motivated to keep moving forward…but we should stop counting on the “maybes” the “what ifs”, and the vain hope that narcissists might change.  Instead, we must try to work on healing the damage they’ve done to our spirits and ending the chaos that they’ve brought into our lives so that future generations won’t have to learn, as we have had to learn, why narcissistic abuse is so damaging and feels so different than other forms of trauma. 

“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me…  Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” — Shel Silverstein

What has happened is uncontrollable; what you do now changes everything! All it takes is one tiny step forward.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

Get help with getting back to happy here. We are waiting to walk beside you on your journey.


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250 comments
Tammy says March 8, 2024

He just left left me and I’m dumbfounded. When we were supposed to be together forever. Said I cried all the time. Well I cried because of the lies. I knew in my gut he was lying. He had been begging me to come with him on the road as he worked. Taking me.away from all I knew. So when I finally knew I loved him I decided to be with him. He all of a sudden makes me.feel like now he don’t want me because we fought all the time. I caught him in so many lies but he would deny it. And now he’s gone I can’t seem to let go. I’m lost, scared, and don’t know what to do next. No self esteem nothing to even try. I’m turning 60 this year and I’m just plain scared. I’m lonely and I am scared. How does someone just stop loving you over night. Why can’t I let him go. Why do I cry every single day wanting him to come back. I don’t understand why I think I need him. I am so hurt and so consumed by my hurt and yet he blames me for it all. Was it my fault I cried? I just can’t understand. I love him still why?

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Heather says October 18, 2023

I’m having a hard time with wrapping my brain around the pure evil and he is so hung up on money he should have gone to freaking Hollywood

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Rita Curtiss says April 25, 2023

I finally,divorced my ex,who is a narcissist,after enduring,20 years,of humiliation,degradation,emotional, and psychological abuse.Amen Kim,thanks

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Jim Sallows says January 11, 2023

Spot on was in.a.narc relationship for 10 years, on again and off again!!! Having a rough time getting thru this last one but promise myself and family it will be the last. Trying hard to understand this all and is what it is. So articles like this is a bit of help but have a long way to go. She caused way to much damage this last time. Thank you very much and look forward to reading more from your writing.

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Min says December 1, 2022

Same here, my brother, sister & mother & some coworkers are so horrible to me that I lack trust & far too scared to do anything wrong.
I have no life now

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Christine says November 22, 2022

Guarding My Peace….this has become parmount to me. For many years I lived in chaos with my narcissistic husband. When I left him at last, he turned both my adult children against me. I have been slandered publicly and cursed both publicly and privately by my own children, whom I will always love. BUT….I separated myself completely from them. NO relationship is worth being abused to maintain. I still miss them and have memories of them as my dearest loves but I will never be disrespected by them again. I am building a new life and through therapy I am overcoming the past. There are and always will be some scars but I am not willing to allow open wounds on my spirit by having any contact with my children ever again. Thank you for this and all your articles, Kim. You are doing a good and necessary work.

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Anita Barnhouse says September 28, 2022

He and I have been friends 25 + years
As a friend I never seen this side of him.
We’ve dated the last 5,
And I noticed him being different and abusive
So I started researching and realized he is narcissistic
My heart is crushed
I don’t think I will ever get over this
I truly loved him so much
We were still together, he met someone a few months back, and told me they are getting married.
I’m crushed
Not only did I lose my love, I lost my friend

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Georgia says July 28, 2022

My narc ex and i were together for 15yrs. We broke up. Yet he kept coming over. He’s in prison again. Something keeps me sending him messages. Something has me holding on to whatever. Deep down i hate him. He left me for someone else who ican not stand. He shows no remorse and when i decide to not talk to him, i do good for a few days. When he doesn’t try to talk to me i get upset and i almost go manic. What is wrong with me? I don’t like that feeling like i need to talk to him or i need to hear from him. How can i train my brain to not want too have anything to do with him.

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    Crystal says March 15, 2023

    I now just how this feels I don’t know why I chase my ex and want closer cause I know I’ll never get anything from him that will help me in life

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Nyall Collinson says June 15, 2022

I recently left a narcissistic relationship.

She broke up and it wasn’t even a break up. Just a last ditch attempt to get me to succum to her every whim, constantly hinting of a 2nd chance.

At that point the mask had slipped and I realised I had been royally played. I told her to shove the second chance where the sun doesn’t shine.

I did research and found out more and more.

Luckily I blocked her anyway before I knew what Narcissism was.

But to make sure she wouldn’t come back into my life I said I had cold hard evidence of her deceit.

I dropped the remainder of her possessions from my flat and got barricaded on the road by 5 police cars.

Turned out she bad mouthed me as this horrific man who abused her and tried to turn her into the perfect wife.

Nonetheless she’s got the message and she will be forever shit scared that I’ll expose her at any time.

She deserves it for the anxiety and emotional abuse I endured.

As I said to the police at the time…. you’ve been there….you know someone’s done wrong and you can’t do anything about it – plus I only just dropped her possessions off, nothing more.

I wasn’t taken into custody and let go, the way I see it now is we are on equal ground and its about time she got a dose of her own medicine – and not everyone is afraid to put her down at any cost regardless of reputation. All I need to know is I am a good person. Other peoples approval is unnecessary.

I hope she learns from it but I doubt it.

If this doesn’t teach anyone to be extra cautious about who they associate with I don’t know what will.

If someone is super keen to be with you like she was with me, no matter how seductive it is. STAY CLEAR ?

I can’t even go near a relationship now just in case so I honestly have encounters instead. It’s not worth the mental turmoil.

I know it was counterproductive for me to attempt vengence but just seeing her panic gave me the best relieving feeling ever.

The story I went through would be an awesome book, and I am so happy I sussed her out before it was too late.

I really felt it was all me, to discover all the accusations I was given was pure projection gave me back the confidence to stand my ground and tell her where to go.

Once I knew her motive she was clear as day.

Chose the wrong man to mess with! ?

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Garland says April 12, 2022

At the hands of a NPD (a dark triad) sibling for the first 17 years of my life, I know I will NEVER, EVER be a complete human being.

What was stolen during the first 17 years of my life is irrevocable. There is “no deposit, no return” on the normality of my childhood & adolescence.

Sick with grief, I am psychological Humpty Dumpty who WAS PUSHED OF THE WALL of emotional normality.

Jim/Gar

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Garland says April 12, 2022

Bless your soul! Our malignant narcissist family member instructed me how to walk away and never look back. I loved my parents with every ounce of my being, but they were ill-equipped to manage the emotional grief caused by the M.N. child from my mother’s the first son (and 1st marriage).

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Lisa says March 7, 2022

I understand 100%, it’s an awful thing I’ve had to endure and so many other women and men have I’m just trying to deal and free myself of this horrible human being who sucked my life force. I escaped just in the nick of time.

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Lisa says March 6, 2022

Absolutely I have been devastated by my three year experience with a narcissist I escaped in October 2021 I try not to look back it’s very difficult and as soon as I get the money I’m going to buy the boot camp I need it desperately…

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Karin says February 16, 2022

Even though I went through it twice (my mother, with whom I only broke contact 9 years ago, when I was almost 48 years. And a partner, NC since July 2021), I still have troubles understanding how a human being can be so evil to do this to another person.

And why? Because they experienced the same (often used as an excuse by some “therapists”)?

I would never want another person to go through a relationship with a narcissist. Never! Even I have gone through it myself twice. Therefore, I know how it feels and this is something I not even want for my biggest enemy…

You choose, and a narcissist did choose to become an evil person. Very evil.

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Mel says February 15, 2022

OMG yes. I literally wrote almost the same exact thing in my journal earlier today.

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Mel says February 15, 2022

Thank you. This is 100% what I am experiencing right now and I couldn’t figure out WHY/explain why it’s felt so much worse than all others. TRULY soul-crushing.

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Hanne says February 15, 2022

I read most all of your emails, but read discreetly…not that I’m still bound or have contact with my abuser, but that I’m kinda tired of keeping talking about it. I wanna talk about “life” & living. How can u have a life if u speak about your abuser 4 a living? Anyways I listen 2 others who broadcast the subject & learn from each & every one, but need 2 hear about LIFE…Thank u 4 excat email, especially with the Poem ( I write poetry as well as Singing), but find myself STUCK….Anyways THANK U…PS: My Singing is about 2 take off….I’m READY

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Rita Curtiss says January 28, 2022

I have finally gotten divorced from my narcissistic abuser after 20 long years. Thank you. Rita Curtiss

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Christi HARRIS says December 5, 2021

My parents had me for 17yrs. I had myself for one year. The narcafucker and his mom had me for 40yrs. I can imagine how this syndrome isn’t real. Look at people that took their lives out.

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Gail says September 18, 2021

I happened on to your side just at the right time. I’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist that I didn’t realize was a narcissist married him three years ago and have had total hell for the last three years. I ended up having to get an order of protection at which time then he moved into a house right next door to me. This is not helping my situation I can’t feel like I can go outside I can’t feel like I can go to my neighbors because he is watching. I know that I’m better off without him and no I would not want to go back to him but I just don’t know where to go from here. I enjoy reading your articles and the responses from others that are experiencing the same situation.

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Jennifer says August 12, 2021

Gratitude!?? I’m at a loss and have no idea where to start anymore. Completely abandoned and the Narc has my daughter to keep me under his control. He used court to sanction me with more hoops and I’m Not Guilty of anything. No one is listening to me. It’s been 5 mo’s since I’ve seen her and he refuses to “allow” me to speak with her.
I sought court required of me when my little girl divulged her daddy pretended to be sleeping yet his hand was inside of her panties on her vagina! Well folks, no charges were sought for 2 reasons. 1. Because it wasn’t penetration and 2. Because a 7 yo couldn’t articulate adult non verbal arousal. Well okay he gets an Atty, has his weekend supply write what a great Dad he is, submits behavior reports from school, takes no responsibility or accountability for his presence in her life, blames me & provides I was making this up. Court pathologized me as they do hundreds of not thousands of other Mom’s. They refuse to hear from me, stifled me. Insulted me, discredited me, disbelieved my daughter! And because I didn’t have legal representation… I was ordered to start reunification in which I did and researched and suggested and the Atty negated Everything I said. They bullied me, gang stalked me, demanded, harassed, exerted control, banged on my door and windows daily yelling from outside!
Even after I broke down for a one time 2 hr meet…. well that was full of gifts and he first comment was about my daughter’s butt!!!! When over, the demands only increased, harassed daily!! Atty knowingly withheld my many communications during I had zero and submitted 3 blank emails to court to try and hold me in contempt. Court hearing and within 7 min, me stifled again, judge refused to hear from me or look in our long standing file. CUSTODY was awarded to our Abuser. I was stripped of my rights, my voice, my choice, my baby girl! Involuntary servitude and if I’m ever to see my daughter again, I must submit and succumb to the lies and jump through hoops… (Child support no more). My daughter imprisoned!
I couldn’t. A couple days go by and the harassing never stopped. One morning while in school with my 2 lil people…my home invaded and me assaulted by one of the Narcs flying monkey’s. His general in the monkey army who just so happens to be my mother’s husband?. Yes all in front of my kids. I was black and blue for 3 weeks. Law enforcement was called but it was ME they were initially seeking as the aggressor??? Well with police the Narc tried to get them to remove my daughter..No charges were filed and they referred him to the civil issue of court.

A couple more days stalking continued… A habeas was granted and the sheriff escorted her. It’s been 5 mo’s and die more every day. Every failing agency! Every over priced Atty who really just wants to make me submit to more abuse, take my money, and leave with some BS 50/50 custody!!! No body HELPS! NO ONE… CPTSD dx last month.
I can’t be too terrible of a mommy..my son’s with me.
I mean with the prev years and 9 fraudulent allegations made against me by the Narc & his BFF.. all non founded of course; having my daughter to berate, diminish, violate, and hang over my head of dread…alienating and isolating while he grooms violates and torments her. No empathy as we all know! I don’t want to be here anymore.

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Donna Jones says August 12, 2021

Wow this was an excellent article. I’ve lived through 53 years of Narcissistic abuse. I’m 55 with two years of no contact and my life is amazing now thanks to articles like this. You are saving the world – One reader at a time. Keep up the great work you are doing. Thank you ?

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Patricia Marie Widecrantz says June 26, 2021

Just OMG…. OMG

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    Garland says April 12, 2022

    “OMG” is correct this phenomenon. NPD family members are soul-crushing!

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Juanita Jones says April 20, 2021

I get sick to my stomach each time the narcissistic person comes in the room. He sucks all the joy & happiness out of everything, everywhere he goes. Sad & pathetic on all levels. Hate I ever met him.

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    Garland says April 12, 2022

    You are spot-on. Thanks to our malignant narcissist family (brother) I wll never be a complete human being.

    The thought of ever being a father fills me with dread. What if NPD is hereditary? I cannot and will not go through this again. Adoption is equally disturbing, since a roll of the the dice is a risk I cannot & will not take.

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Joyfully says April 7, 2021

Yes just because they were abused, neglected or sometimes kid just refuel rejection, does not mean they had to choose to become narcissistic. That was a choice. I had unspeakable ,terrible things to happen to me as a child but I did not choose to become a narcissist. Why would I want to treat other people the way I felt that they treated me. Why would I want to let people make me a mi I them. I choose the opposite. Love, happiness ,peace, God and caring for others and being cared for gives you so much more energy and love and happiness down to the very core if your soul. So children we can take the lead when adults or others don’t know how to be. Now this is not saying suffer long but endure long enough to see if if a will reciprocate. If not you must move on because ones who choose narcissim are damaging to the mind heart and soul and even the spirit.Thank you Kim this program has and still is helping me a lot and I tell others about it as well. You have really inspired me to be informed and to inform others.

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danna says March 22, 2021

What am I supposed to do I have begged for help for these last few years to be met with Nothing and I fear I’ve addopted it’s behaviours even and it’s killing me literally. The building owner of my apt is besties also with one of the things that began this, ms christian prophatess claiming trv. The very apt that my son and I have been in since isn’t the one I, my step-daughter, an her bf looked at for Bubba and I to rent however this apt on a corner is the one that was prewritten up for me to rent for us when I came to pay the deposit and first months rent. Now this shiz honestly to God even sounds absurd to me however watching your videos and many others I am fully aware of the possible reality of it. Also however a county cps agency has been used in the beginning of this nightmare thats still going on and risking my sanity that I have left, I myself informed them directly that I will be seeing them in a court of law and not for any financial anything but for a reprieve in their chain of commands is all so they can’t be used anymore for this adding abusive damage. A couple years ago they themselves were already hit in court for unjustifiably removing children from their parents and homes and were indeed found guilty. Since I have had only one more visit from them and get this it was on allegations from a year prior just like they sent 2 more cps workers all the way up to the crisis center for the same year prior claims that they use to torment with. I couldn’t put the email because as I told you I didn’t create it myself and the one crying victim did without my knowledge. He still has one of his emails in this chromebook also that he will not remove and I definitely am not trying even to ask for the password, not that he will even answer my requests via email to come and please remove them if he did in fact give this thing to my son. I am aware of recordings he done of me for a while without my knowledge, which may I add he didn’t statrt until we had already been married for 5 years before, and that along with his slick tounged ways if I weren’t the one who lived this I would believe him myself. I can’t care about what anyone else believes especially when I am not even allowed to state what I believe except here in their prison witout a prison where this will be monitered and watched too if it even gets to you. I am a threat to this county is the only thing that helps me understand a little bit of the reality to the possibility of such absurdity. I am fighting with what I have left of myself and the most help by the Graces of God where I keep my faith. Are they going to get away with a murder in this place because their victimized object can’t get any help just like they stole a 10,000.00 truck of mine for 200.00 so as to render us and me unable to take action for myself? My mind along with my very inner being are being endangered and daily. The internet co here X-finity has also been contacted several times with no resulting resolve even when my son and I were paying them for their services but we weren’t getting the use even of them nor would they resolve the issues. My own mother 2:30 hrs away had to try and call them and they still wouldn’t fix our services we were paying for so I got tired and worn down and disconnected them. I figured what’s the dratted point anyhow they weren’t fixing Anything but they sure took our money for services Not renderred. All I want is FREE

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    LVN says February 16, 2022

    Dearest Danna
    There’s so much more for you directly from God when you give up on getting the help you need from people. In this article Kim says the injury is spiritual and she is absolutely correct. Narcissistic abuse is completely evil, there is nothing redeemable about it. And since it is spiritual there’s only one person who can fix it. That is Jesus. There’s only one problem. Jesus is spirit and ordinarily we can’t see the spirit realm. Not with our physical eyes anyway. But our spirits have their own set of senses. They correspond to our physical senses because we have spiritual eyes, spiritual ears, a spiritual sense of touch, of smell, and of language. I think that a big reason why it’s so important to get away from the toxic people is because it’s just about impossible to be quiet in your mind when they are around. It’s hard just to talk on the phone when they are standing there making mean comments loudly enough for your friend to hear. I had to quit returning phone calls to my clients when he was around and I still have not recovered enough to be comfortable talking on the phone. He’s been gone for 10 years. It takes a lot longer to recover than it took to create the pathetic undead little zombie. My parents had me for 20 years. I’m 61 now and still dealing with the fallout. It’s like a nuclear disaster. A few years of cheap energy, a lifetime of the exclusion zone around the melted cores.

    Here’s the problem and why regular people can’t and won’t help you. It’s the toxicity that radiates from your spirit. That is how they reproduce. They plant little nuclear bombs in your spirit (PTSD triggers) that continue to traumatize you for thousands of years. No one can clean up Chernobyl or Fukushima without special precautions and even then people die from the exposure.

    Jesus taught about the spirit realm by using parables. And you have to hear the parable with your spirit. It requires self awareness. You have to learn to listen to yourself, the exact thing that the narcissist was hell bent on destroying. You, your inner self, what makes you you. They mock you, criticize your boundaries, push you to make mistakes and then mock you some more. They demand special attention then laugh at you when you don’t do it right. They force you into situations no sane person would get into, where angels dare not tread. They carelessly cut you and laugh while you’re bleeding.

    And there are the coverts who shake their heads and tell your friends you’re not normal, that you probably should be institutionalized, for your own safety of course. Because they care so much. And when you try to explain things to your friends, your friends are already primed to see you as crazy. And how can they think otherwise when you doubt yourself so deeply? You stumble over your words, you can’t put it together so they can understand and before you finish you can’t understand the problem yourself. Your head is in a whirl of confusion like a tornado has just blown through your mind. So your friends and family stand beside the narcissist and shake their heads, all in unison as the frustration pours out of your eyes, your cheeks red with shame, the snot you swallow now making you heave. In shame you try to hide but the narcissist makes sure everyone sees you. Now you are alone. You’re the crazy lady in the falling down shack hidden behind the overgrown grass and weeds. No one visits anymore so you sit in a chair looking out through a partially covered window, trying to remember what the sun felt like and slowly your life ebbs away. Until 2 years later someone makes a complaint about your trees falling on the house and they find your dry bones, still in the chair, forgotten even while still alive, if you were ever really alive.

    That is what the narcissist does to you.

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      Sofia says February 13, 2023

      Oh my god, LVN you’ re so right…

      Reply
Gabrielle melles-Sawyers says March 22, 2021

Thank you so much for your amazing, down to earth and inspiring work. I have been following you for 2 years now and I feel now the time is right for me to speak up and tell my story. I want the world to know that narcissistic abuse is real and yes in this last post from you , that’s how I would describe it, it is your soul that is broken and the disbelief that you are being hurt to the core, intentionally and calculating by the very person you trusted. I’d had breast cancer and lost all my hair and the man who stood by me and was wonderful then turned against me , he had printed out photos of me deliberately that I told him to delete because I looked so awful and posted them through my door saying “ I can just imagine your face when you get these “ . That was just one thing. For months I’d had a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, my body told me something was wrong, but the wolf in sheep’s clothing looked at me and told me everything was wonderful. I want everyone to know that your body senses it. I think my soul recognised the intention to hurt me. After weeks of research I understood it wasn’t me it was him. I am now thriving and surviving and I’m in a lovely relationship with an old friend from 30 years ago, who lives a very honest and spiritual life due to his past. We found each other and it’s as if we were meant to meet. We both had so much work and healing to do individually but we have found in each other an understanding and need of a relationship full of love , gentleness, honesty and integrity. I know you will get there . You can thrive and survive. This is my wonderful beginning and you can have this too. Thank you Kim for giving me the confidence to write this x

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Fifi says March 22, 2021

Dearest – you have suffered too much. My soul feels for your soul. Please seek help. Try your local Women’s Centre or call Women’s Refuge for a referral or advice. But be careful who you trust. Narcissists are everywhere. Make sure people show you respect and regard. And treat yourself with kindness too. Do check out Kim’s free resources if you can’t afford paid programmes. Look after yourself. You deserve to create a good life for yourself.

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    Anonymous says June 9, 2021

    No one helps it’s always swept under the carpet

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Pasha says March 21, 2021

So, so right! Utterly insightful and unblinkered in being so.

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Connie says March 21, 2021

I just realized how much help i need to heal. My Sister sent me this as she is/has gone thru the same abuse. U make it sound so easy to get thru this… thank u Kim. Please allow me to understand and healmy soul! Thank u too Sister Milissa?

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Eva Marie Reed says February 24, 2021

Thank you so much for making this content available because there are so many women who are locked in financially to the narcissist that they do not have any way to get their hands on money. I am just recently out on my own, finally making my own money. This is the fourth time he threw me out of the house. Every time I landed a job he would coax me back and say he would take care of me because I take such good care of him. My generation of women were conditioned from childhood to “take care” of others and that is why I was a perfect target. If you and others did not provide this information without charge, there would be little hope that the women who need the information most would ever get the help they so desperately need to recognize their problem, begin to trust their instincts only with the reinforcements provided here, and make those first scary steps to freedom. Thank you so much.

Most sincerely,

Eva

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Kathryn bunn says February 14, 2021

As a victim of not just one but two narcissistic parents I agree it is a spiritual attack and after a lifetime of trying to cope with the
after effects I am still stunned at
some of the words my father said
“I’ll waste you.” Who says that to a little child who wants just to love and be loved in return?

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Susan lake says November 12, 2020

Honey,I went through that same thing, and I know that you’re devastated The only thing you should do is to hold your head up and cut them all off. In time they’ll start coming around again but be vague with their probes and offer nothing except, you’re doing fine and have discovered you’re happy all by yourself. Show no weakness that they can report back on you and don’t offer any information that they can twist and have something to talk about. It took almost 2 yrs before my boys stop looking at me and treating me like I was a mental case and they said drama queen to my face because I complained to them about the abuse that was constantly being heaped on me, while I was constantly being bad mouthed by their and told how crazy I was. I was trying to explain that I wasn’t crazy but he was so good that it only unforced to them that I was crazy. I know your devastation ! And loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness. Turn a cold shoulder , well, not cold but private shoulder to everyone for as long as it takes for them to miss you badly enough for them to quit their shit. Even then, you hold your head up and keep a walk up until they have matured enough to see the truth , and if anyone of them don’t tell yourself good riddance, you deserve better and demand it. They won’t give you your respect back till you take charge of it. I know this is tough love , but it’s tough love for yourself too. It’s your only way out of where you are right now , or you could leave and never go back Either way, get yourself free

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Marsha Wallace says October 23, 2020

I am trying to get out but I’m just not financially able. And he knows he has me stuck!

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Alias, Sam says October 23, 2020

A friend’s daughter got caught up with a man, who appears to be a narcissist and he came naked to his mother-in-law when she offered to do reflexology on his feet. He then asked his mother-in-law to massage his privates and she refused after which he refused to speak to this mother-in-law of his. HIs wife, the daughter of this man’s mother-in-law, got upset with her mother, because she spoke about it. She was not upset with her husband!!! Yet even the almost eighty year old mother-in-law was traumatised. What was the mother-in-law supposed to do? She doesn’t know how to get out of this vicious circle and to rectify her relationship with her daughter, who has now been deserted by that man. and the daughter blames her mother for thinking only of herself and her trauma!!! What am I to advise this mother-in-law to think and or to do, who says that her daughter seems to have changed, even though her husband left her after this event and she, the accomplished daughter, had spent many a day crying in this relationship? That mother, who is my friend, feels crushed. I am at a loss as to what to say to her, as she loves her daughter very much indeed.

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F anon. says October 23, 2020

I had child abuse that no one knows about. Even me. I get flash backs that I know are real and not fake. I was repeatedly raped by a friend for a year before I told anyone I then moved cities from Birmingham to London into a relationship at 17 he was 23. That was abusive for a decade physically not just him his but his mum his dad his bro. While I was four months pregnant I was strangled by him and his dad
I was beaten while miscarrying.
I mangaged to stay away from him after he left me. I managed to stay away for three years but the kids longing for him made me re enter the relationship.
And now. I am with another one of his kids my son. And I am almost resembling bipolar. I can be happy in the family. But the smallest issue I am reliving and hating him and it seems I am now making everyone unhappy. I feel it’s unfair but I can’t explain why. Iv never had any counselling or anything and I feel I am at breaking point. My subconscious throws solutions at me like runs away leave hi to have the kids. Or kill ur self. I hitch I really don’t believe in.
Or just try to stop losing my temper at least. I’m burning out. Tears are rolling and this is the only place Iv seen where I can share my feelings. I don’t care if others read it. I’m hurting and I’m resentful and I’m lost. Sorry.

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    Kai says March 3, 2021

    It is horrible what you’ve gone through. You sound like a strong person. I hope you’ll find the solution that feels right to you. Perhaps it will be easier to leave when kids are older. Or you can contact friends or local groups for help or support now.

    Pls take care.

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    Sheba says February 16, 2022

    Hi, I am sorry to hear about your traumatizing experiences! I deeply empathize with you on many levels, and am living through my own dark “challenge” at the moment of facing a quite unpleasant “reality” of my own. I love children, and in my humble opinion, since they susceptible to internalize and absorb basically everything from their environment, and I know that your love as a mother is genuine for them, they’d be 100% more safe growing up experiencing true love & nurturing from you in their formative years than being exposed to toxic, violent, abusive “people” like you were describing. Definitely Google women’s with kids’ family local shelters. Make a plan, keep it to yourself, execute it cautiously, and don’t look back 🙂 Blessings to you & your family!

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Gabi Wenzelow says October 23, 2020

I wish more counsellors and therapists would take this subject seriously! I am really tired of talking about it and they are consistently dismissive! That’s like being retraumatized. This stuff is so crazy that goes on Who in the world would make this up and then want to talk about it for an hour if it weren’t true. Hwin counsellor told me you ladies are in your fifties and sixties it’s high time you let all your mommy and daddy issues go! Another therapist was dismissive because the narcissist in my life my mother is also her patient and she evidently had manipulated her and made herself out to be the victim! When is therapist told me that I need to call my mother and make up to her, I just looked at her and ask her what about my mental health? She didn’t say anything and I left the Room after that I switched therapists. I got a call from the office manager asking why I wanted to switch I explained it to several different people along the chain. I was told that it is not allowed for them to discuss my business to her and her business to me. Explain to them that’s not what the problem is, The problem is that I’m being dismissed as if she has already made up her mind who the victim is! When I told her I was suffering from toxic shame and went into the deepest depression I had ever had it was the most intense in most painful and it came from the verbal and emotional abuse and rage from my mother’s last attack. For her to be dismissive made my recovery take that much longer because I had no one in my corner that believed in me and that I was being emotionally abused. It shouldn’t matter that it took me until age 61 to figure this out. That doesn’t make it a mute point, as if it never happened, because of my age. It only means that I have suffered for many more years than most who figured it out earlier. The PTSD from rape reared its head 25 years later than the event had occurred. The PTSD from domestic violence reared its head 30 years after the events had occurred. Once I started processing one trauma that led to the processing of another trauma then during therapy I just happened to learn about boundaries and such in CBT and CPT training. Then I started reading some articles in watching some YouTube videos. I always knew my family was dysfunctional but I never knew a word to label it and I was always told that I was the problem it was my fault there was something wrong with my personality. Why wouldn’t you believe you are mother when she tells you these things after all why would a mother lie to you?
There are very few counsellors in my area that specialise in emotional trauma therapy. Is Alabama that backwards that when you tell someone that these are the symptoms in this is the stuff she did they still look at you like your the problem like your making it up. Why is there so little training in narcissism, I don’t understand.

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Gabi Wenzelow says October 23, 2020

I love your articles! You use down-to-earth language. I’m able to visualise and comprehend and feel what you are saying!

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Joe Bondi says October 22, 2020

I don’t feel alone. Thank You

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    Kim Saeed says October 23, 2020

    You’re welcome, Joe 🙂

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SUE FINNERTY says October 22, 2020

Thank you for your work. This is such a great article of how they try and destroy every good thing about our “essence”. No contact for years now. Becoming aware of their toxic traits was a game changer for me.

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Thankful says October 22, 2020

I cannot thank you enough Kim, for all of your helpful and honest advice. I am sorry for what you must have gone through to become the expert in how this feels and what your readers are dealing with as victims of narcissistic abuse. You are truly a blessing to those of us who are hurting and thank you for all you do. My biggest take away from your program is the importance of self care. We can’t make people be there for us but we can be there for ourselves and others who care.

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Stacey DeGiulio says October 22, 2020

So I’ve been through 3 regular therapist. It’s made it worse. Are you saying I need a specialist in npd and recovering from narcissistic abuse? I mean that would make sense-I feel the need for more pinpointed help. I feel like giving up. I’ve been through a lot and overcome so much but this has broken me like nothing ever has and the pain has lessened a little but I’m stuck. I don’t think the trauma bond has been broken and until an emergency with the kids I was no contact for 7 months. I was calm like a drug when talking to him- but later last night a panic attack ensued and this pain – this black hole was back. I guess I’m not as better as I thought.. what should I do? I can’t afford much with the pandemic but I need help getting unstuck in my recovery.

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Anonymous says October 18, 2020

Why do I get called a narc by my ex narc boyfriend he says I am a narc and he calls me hurtful names I got out I tried being just a friend but he’s mad he can’t control me 100 minutes away I only let him text me but I’m fixing to block that too he is furious I figured out he is a narc I got tired of getting yelled at and constantly getting accused of cheating which I never have he isolated me from all my family he belittle me and my confidence tore down thanks for letting me tell my story I need someone to talk to about it

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Julie Creaser says September 30, 2020

If I ever doubted I was on the right path following Kim Saeed…
The quote from Shel Silverstein confirmed, I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.
“listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” —“ Shel Silverstein

Who knew, that someone else besides me, locked in my little world of narcissistic recovery would have heard of Shel Silverstein

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    Kim Saeed says October 6, 2020

    Aww, thank you, Julie. I used to read his books to my students when I taught elementary school. His books were my favorite 🙂

    Sending hugs,

    Kim

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Alexander says August 27, 2020

Thank you kimsaed I have been through rape and narsisicistic abuse for many years it’s a nightmare

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Magdalene says August 25, 2020

Thank you sooo much for insightful explanation of narcissistic abuse.
Be blessed as you help us recover.
Thanks once again.

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Prashant says August 1, 2020

It’s really helpfull and I have spent Almost a month away from her no contact
But sometimes it comes in my mind as it was an addiction

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Anonymous says May 30, 2020

I am having a hard time as to how to respond to my son, 20, his behavior that is eerily similar to his narc father I serperated from months ago. I get why the behavior is there, I just don’t know how to handle it in a healing manner for him as his mother. In other words, what do our sons need from us as mothers after reaching this age in a very toxic environment. I noticed he is gaslighting me and his friends and want to know if there is anything I can do. His dad has said extremely nasty things to me in front of both my sons and about me. They both blamed me for all the fighting and chaos even though he cursed me and scared the hell out of all of us. We were always on eggshells when he was in the house with us.

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Anonymous says May 6, 2020

I left my narc husband 25 years ago. I had another narc relationship after that for 5 years. My 3 kids are grown and have become the “flying monkeys” of their father. My kids have been brainwashed to believe I dont deserve their love or respect. They look to the moments in my life when I was “crazy” …when I was reacting to their fathers manipulations even after the divorce and have sided against me after their father has used every life event as a way to gain more control. He uses EVERY opportunity in life to “score points” whether it be my daughters weddings, my son’s addiction trauma etc….it is always to prove that he is superior. He has money and uses it to buy their loyalty. My kids dont call, text or care at all. Its heartbreaking…especially because I have 4 grandkids…and one more on the way. My daughter is using threats about not seeing her kids as a way to keep me in line. All the love I give them…is seen as a weakness. Narc adult children exist also.

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Nancy says April 3, 2020

My only child (42 year old daughter) is a narcissist. She has 2 children. My husband and I are the only ones she let babysit for her kids for 9 years. She has currently cut me out of her life saying she, her husband, my husband and myself can meet for me to apologize for all the horrible things I did to her and said she doesn’t trust us to stay with her kids anymore. Her dad is a narcissist and I divorced him when she was 6. He completely cut her out of his life. He is popping up in her life now. My daughter is so cruel to me and is nice to her dad. I want to be able to see my grandchildren but I can’t handle her abuse. I can’t find articles about a narcissistic child. Can you help me?

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ALEXA says March 19, 2020

GREETINGS KIM,

BLESS YOU FOR YOUR TRULY ACCURATE AMAZING HELP !

EVERYTHING YOU SHARE IS SO ABUNDANT THAT I DO NOT KNOW WHERE

TO BEGIN THANKING YOU FOR EACH TOPIC OF ADVICE.

AS YOU KNOW, IT TAKES A LOT OF PAINFUL EXPERIENCES TO FINALLY MOVE

ON. I HOPE THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO GET AWAY AROUND JUNE 15 – 20.

DEPENDS ON ADVANCES IN CORONAVIRUS HEALING PROGRESS, TO BE ABLE

TO TRAVEL AND GET TO THE SCHOOL I HAVE CHOSEN. I HAVE TO GET

THERE, CHANGE MY RESIDENCY, THEN GET A FEW GRANTS, ETC. I AM

MOTIVATED AND INCENTIVIZED TO THE MAX ! I KNOW YOU ARE SO VERY

BUSY. JUST WANTED TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU, AS I HAVE READ ALL

ABOUT YOUR INTENSE EFFORTS TO ERASE THE DEMONS, PAST, PRESENT

AND FUTURE, AND FLOURISH !!

THANK YOU, AND BLESS YOU ALWAYS,

ALEXA

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Christine says March 11, 2020

I know everything you say is true. My life has been ripped to shreds in almost 10 years. My only option for escape is going to a shelter which I’m trying to sort out what that will entail. I dont have custody of my daughter due to what I allowed this relationship to do to me, she is with her father during the week. I have weekend visitation. I’ve stayed 5 years longer then I wanted so my visitation wouldn’t be interrupted. My daughter struggles with her father and looks forward to weekends with me as I am her only mental, emotional and spiritual support. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and at my age of 43 its harder. I dont have a job that pays a liveable wage, hence the need for a shelter. I’d also have to go back to school. My daughter is my life, and I have so many regrets already, I just wish I could focus on rebuilding my life without the soul crushing pain I feel whenever I think I am going to cause my daughter more pain.

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Lisa says March 10, 2020

This is my 3rd relationship with a narcissist. Why …? I know it, I feel it, but I can’t break this cycle in my head. I don’t feel I deserve to be treated better since they all treat/ treated me the same. Please help

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Jill says March 10, 2020

How do I know if my x-spouse is truly a “Narcissist”? I believe he has Narcissistic tendencies and is extremely selfish but to call him a full-blown Narcissist doesn’t feel right without an official diagnosis. That said, my own Therapist says in a book he wrote that he “was” a Narcissist but has recovered. Maybe some have “tendencies” while others are true blue Narcissists?

Secondly, I did not leave him until last year after 33 years married. He would not let go of a “freindship” he had with another woman half my age because she was fun and edgy. I put up with the relationship he had with her for 7 years thinking it relatively innocent. After realizing it was absolutely coming between us, I gave him the ultimatum. He chose her. Then regretted it when he realized he wasn’t her only person to be fun and edgy with. I’m hoping my boys are going to be fine. They are somewhat selfish but I don’t think they have the “tendencies” of my “X”. I wonder if divorce during their younger years would have been more damaging than staying with my “X” was for them?

I have been reading you for about a year and it has helped me tremendously but I still have trouble going “no contact”. It has become unhealthy for me to talk, text or hear from him though. It hurts.

Any thoughts Kim?

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Brenda says March 10, 2020

It has been two years since I went no contact and left the abusive narcissist but most of the time I feel disphoric, knumb and shut down

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    Kim Saeed says March 10, 2020

    Oh my goodness, sweetheart. Are you doing any sort of healing work? Have you found anything that helps? If you aren’t in any programs, you might want to consider mine. Here is the link to it for your consideration: https://courses.letmereach.com/p/the-essential-no-contact-accelerator-course/ There is a guarantee, so you can try it with no risk.

    Wishing you relief and healing…

    Kim

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Jane says March 9, 2020

Another post so relevant to my own current thought path. Uncanny how I keep coming across things that open the door a little wider to let a little more light in. I’m watching that door, knowing I will soon go through it, and out into the future on the other side. I cannot see what that future looks like, because the light out there in the beyond is so bright it blinds me. The only thing I know about the future out there is the name of the place: “Freedom”.

Indeed, narcs are cold, cruel tormentors. I was just thinking how they are like that mean kid I once knew who tore the wings off flies and burned ant trails with a magnifying glass under the sun. How that mean kid laughed and laughed to watch the poor creatures scramble. I hated that kid. When adults happened by, while he was engaged in yet another cruel scheme, he would brighten like an angel with a halo. They would pat his head. “Such a good boy”. No one would listen to me. My complaints about him were trivialized. I gave up. Years later I read about the experiment with the monkey in cages. People could file past them like zoo exhibits, except, there was a button installed that would deliver an electric shock that would make the monkeys jump and scream. It was amazing how many people pushed the button when they thought they were alone and unobserved. I’m sure some people were motivated to see if it actually worked, and was curious about general cause and reaction. I’m thinking the majority did out for the pleasure of seeing the reaction to the pain. If it were me? I have NO DOUBT that I would not only not push that button, but would look for ways to deactivate it, and then free the poor things.

Wounded children? Maybe. But I honestly believe some narcs are simply born the way they are. Bad seeds. No amount of nurture can change them. Perhaps being wounded vs being born that way is what causes the different types of narcissism. Regardless, I have no sympathy for any of them, and have learned to not have empathy either. They are adults, and are able to reason on an adult level, and anyone who derives pleasure out of the misfortune, harm and pain of others needs to be shipped to Mars. Let them have it out with each other there far away from the rest of us. Now THAT would be an interesting experiment. Would they survive, colonize, and what would their society look like? Would empathy evolve?

People make mistakes and unwittingly, can hurt others. They don’t intend the harm, don’t see it, and are so sorry for it once they do, it probably wrecks them for a decade until they learn to forgive themselves. I’m not talking about those people. I am referring to the those who stay engaged with their victims because they enjoy seeing that victim scramble, scream, and try to get back up whenever they are hit with the latest torture method. Until that housefly without wings dies in the jar, they will find endless ways to fascinate themselves because they have no other source of joy.

It must stop. These are red flags, precursors to future bad behavior. Psychology recognizes there is problem, but they are helpless to change anything or even address it because 1. There is no reform for the twisted, disordered thinking 2. Narcs and psychopaths don’t seek therapy.

I imagine that one day the victimhood will rise up. There will one day be more of us than them. We will one day find our power and being a narc will become socially unacceptable in our culture, so that when a victim begins to experience the ruthless, unrelenting mind games, society will have avenues to direct victims to understanding. The monsters an be unmasked much sooner. The change has to be with us. We have to feel ok enough to be convinced that this is really happening to us, instead of thinking it is all in our imagination like the narcs have been successful in making us believe. The gaslighting, the minimizing, the “there, there, Johnny wouldn’t hurt a fly, let’s not talk about how he pulls their wings off”. You are doing a magnificent job, and more than your part, in bringing the problem to light, Kim. The best revenge for me is not only to go and live a wonderful future, but also doing what I can so there is never another victim. That’s a far far fetched dream, but even preventing one more victim is best revenge, too.

I am in complete agreement that we should not learn to make things work with a narc. Shutting them down by walking away is the only solution. My therapist has been working intensively with me for going on five years. His approach is teaching victims how to cope with the abuse so they are unaffected. He is not worried about teaching them coping as a long-term mechanism that allows victims to remain in relationships with a disordered individual. He knows the more skilled a victim becomes at coping, by isolating and insulating themselves, the more clearly the victim is able to see the grotesque monster that crouches behind the colorful beautiful cardboard cutout they are hiding behind. Once seen, it can’t be unseen and the victim falls out of “love”, which is really what might be called trauma bonding. One day, the victims wake up and say, “Not today”, and begin their exit plan.

Just last night, I told my narc that we are getting divorced because we are not the same species. He knew I was telling the truth and it registered, and he is now convinced I know that he knows that I know what he is. He has lost his power to keep me here.

I am grateful to you in so many ways. I just read the article about not trying to expose the narc because there is no gain to be had, only much to lose. It was a changer in my strategy. I am now convinced fleeing without a trace is the best way to go. Revenge be damned. He will have to live with himself, and knowing what I do, he will now be the plaything for his grown son, who is is a thousand times bigger, badder and meaner than he is. I was used as the buffer between them, the one who absorbed all of the fire arrows meant for him, a human shield, and their joint delight at my misfortune, when I took a direct hit, was their common ground, they bonded that way. Until my husband finds someone else they can torture together, he will be his son’s toy. Enough said.

I know this comment is waaaay too long to be published, but these thoughts are worthy enough to be sent into the ether. Perhaps it can be a silken strand in the universal web of protection that we want to weave.

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    Susan Lake says November 12, 2020

    I think it should be illegal to premeditated your abuse someone mentally for the sake of enjoyment the way a narc does. If we can prove it, we should be able to have them all locked up together. Let them all prey on each other and let it be our entertainment to watch it. That would be justice , and since there is no cure for it, I think it should be for life. You can shoot someone, and they can recover from it. The damage a narc does to another human being is never gotten over. Why doesn’t someone care enough to protect or avenge us with justice. No, they’re left free to continue destroying one life after another , having the time of their lives. THIS SHOULD NOT BE !

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    Christine Patt says February 18, 2022

    Love this!! Spot on 100%

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Jennifer MacKenzie-Gray says March 9, 2020

What happens if you suspect your own son to be a narcissist ? Am I wrong? How do I know?

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Juliet says March 9, 2020

Hello Kim, I have listened to & read your postings for quite a while now, you have helped me a lot, through a lot of dark days & I felt like I had a friend out there who understood. Thank you.?

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    Kim Saeed says March 10, 2020

    Thank you so much for letting me know that, Juliet. You’ve made my day 🙂

    Big hugs,

    Kim Xo

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Cecil Washington says March 8, 2020

I have had to learn that despite all of the fancy physical techniques I’ve learned and mental techniques for de-escalating and avoiding physical violence, I have a LONG way to go to learn how to defend myself and teach others how to defend themselves against the mental and spiritual attacks of the narcissists. Thank you for your work and please keep teaching us all.

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Jennifer MacKenzie-Gray says March 8, 2020

But what do you do if that person is your 29 year old son?! Who do I talk to to even KNOW that he is even a narcissist? He was always so good when he was young. Then now he’s 3 degrees & his behaviour is sonething I NEED to discuss with an expert. I need guidance in order to know WHAT LINE OF BEHAVIOUR I should adopt. I’m already suffering from C-PTSD.

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    Kim Saeed says March 10, 2020

    Hi Jennifer,

    If you are suffering from C-PTSD, then there is a high chance you have been emotionally manipulated. Normal relationships of any kind do not cause C-PTSD. Only ones where emotional abuse/manipulation are present. Unfortunately, the kind of behavior you should adopt is similar to any other kind of emotionally abusive relationship, but it is harder for most folks to do this when it’s their child. Here is an article that might be of help: https://kimsaeed.com/2018/04/03/how-to-deal-with-adult-narcissistic-children/

    Wishing you the best,

    Kim

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Ingra says March 1, 2020

I watched Dangerous Liaisons the other night. Very insightful, slightly triggering, but I can see the thinking behind my ex-abuser’s actions

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me says February 16, 2020

I’m now in the X time he applirs the Silence Treatment. These have been the longest and most painful 3 years of my life. He’s a mythomaniac too and I recently discovered a very big lie about a surgery he “already have had a year and a half ago.” He just said “guys like me say the true even when they lie, you won’t ever understand.” After that, he said he cannot trust me anymore, he won’t be open with me no more. Now, he ended the “relationship” by saying he tried hard but that I’m the one with the problems…
I’m trying to realise I’m not the one with the problems… The sadness is almost unbearable.

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Anonymous says February 16, 2020

I’m now in the X time he applirs the Silence Treatment. These have been the longest and most painful 3 years of my life. He’s a mythomaniac too and I recently discovered a very big lie about a surgery he “already have had a year and a half ago.” He just said “guys like me say the true even when they lie, you won’t ever understand.” After that, he said he cannot trust me anymore, he won’t be open with me no more. Now, he ended the “relationship” by saying he tried hard but that I’m the one with the problems…
I’m trying to realise I’m not the one with the problems… The sadness is almost unbearable.

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Kendon Lowe says February 12, 2020

Thank you Kim, for your articles. I am married to a narcissist and just recently learned what kind of things I am up against. It has literally almost taken my life.
I want to do the very best by my children. And, I believe, the only way to do that is to leave. But, where do I start? I’ve called domestic violence shelters in my area. There arent many support groups for people like me. I dont know where to begin. If there is any word of advice that you may have, please give it.
Sincerely,
Kendon M. Lowe

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    Ava B says March 9, 2020

    Dear Kendon, I left my husband and went No Contact Oct 30, 2019. I’m sorry that I’m just seeing your message. How are you? Are you still in the home? Have you seen a counselor who specializes in Narcissistic Victim Abuse? I pray this reply ro your post finds you!!!!
    True Blessings, Ava B

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Tammy register says January 14, 2020

I have been in a narcissistic relationship for 13 yrs. I panic when i think of my.life without him although he is abusive, cruel, vindictive and spiteful. What is wrong with me? Why do i love this person? How do i get over him and move on with my.life?

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    Sean Craig says April 7, 2020

    Unfortunately I don’t have any miracle advice to point you in the right direction, only a show of support to let you know you are not the only person in that situation. There is nothing ‘wrong’ or defective with people like us. (I don’t think.) we just have to somehow, learn to love ourselves and trust that no matter how much we hurt without our abusers in our lives, they will continue to hurt us, worse and worse each time. And that the sooner we are able to cut them from our Iives the easier it will be to do so. Believe me, I struggle with that exact problem everyday. We are separated and she continues to dangle just a glimmer of hope so I’ll stay on her baited line.
    Last week she even went as far as to tell me that SHE was the problem. And that she needs therapy/professional help, but doesn’t expect an easy or quick recovery, but is hopeful that psychiatric help will be able to straighten her out eventually and she can stop hurting the people she loves the most.

    Then this week she chose her boyfriend over taking the kids, but then when they didn’t want to hangout and wait for her to want to hang out with them, she has a meltdown and calls the cops, telling them I am trapping the kids in my house and won’t let them unlock the door to let her in and said I threatened a murder-suicide plot and she was afraid for the kids!

    And yet I don’t think I’d be able to resist if she said today that she wanted to get back together with me and be a family again.

    It is so ridiculous, that the only people that could possibly understand are people like you, like me who are living it. Know better, but can’t give up on an utterly impossible and toxic person. Who’s only goal is to kill us. Really, that’s what they are doing and what we are allowing.

    I don’t know if I would be able to handle a healthy relationship. I’d be so paranoid waiting for the monster to show up, that I would probably ruin it by assuming it has to turn ugly. It sucks not knowing how to trust someone trustworthy, but always trusting someone I know for certain is not.

    I hope you can find the strength to heal and I pray that I can do the same. Good luck.

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      JORGE says June 24, 2020

      I understand you completely, Sean. I know how desperate you may feel. Going through a similar ordeal now. Will keep you in my prayers.

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Danna says January 13, 2020

The narcissist I am dealing with is my adult son. It seems everything is geared toward it being your spouse. I know the principles are basically the same, but is it realistic to cut your own child out of your life?

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    Kim Saeed says January 15, 2020

    Hi Danna, I am sorry about your situation. To answer your question, some folks do cut their own children out of their lives if they have become narcissists. Sadly, once narcissists reach adulthood, there’s nothing we can do to get through to them. Some folks try limited contact, but there is still a level of manipulation they must endure in that case. I’ve written a few articles about adult narcissistic children, including this one. Wishing you all the best.

    Reply
    Mary says February 19, 2020

    Hi Danna … I too am dealing with an adult narcisstic son so I totally understand. My ex-husband is also a narcissist but I was finally able to break free of him five years ago (although he still torments me to this day through my children , our past mutual friends etc.). My son is 26, lives with me and I find myself in the same hell that I did with my ex, only now it is my adult son who has taken over the reigns.

    I hear you … you’re not alone!

    Mary
    xo

    Reply
Anonymous says December 18, 2019

Would your same advice apply if the narcissist was your 20 year old son whom was unfortunately just like your exhusband?

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Anonymous says December 16, 2019

What if the Narcissist happens to be your grown child? If it was anyone else that treated me this way, they would have been long gone.

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Stella Zaliou says December 9, 2019

I’ve already read dozens of your articles and I’ve noticed that you always emphasize that someone who is engaged/related to a narcissist should leave him/her. There is nearly no way to work things out. I’ve been out for a year and few months now, I’ve been through hell and as time goes by, I realize how right you are and how much you helped me believing in your persistance to stay away (because of course he hoovered and hoovered, given that we work to the same hospital and it took me long to realize he is a damaged harmful person behind an angel’s face). I don’t want to say much, just one thing: if every one of us “empaths” wouldn’t accept the narcissistic behaviour and excluded them out of our lives, they would either stay alone or with people like them and they would be incapable of harming us. Then, perhaps they would try to change and find a way to adapt to OUR reality. Tolerating narcissistic behaviour makes us rensponsible maintaining it.
Thank you for your guidance.

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Daphne says December 9, 2019

I’m going through a divorce with a man of 40 yrs I had 5 children with him and I thought he was my soulmate he brought me to my knees and I’m still trying to stand up because every time I try he knocks the wind out of me with something else. He tried to take everything including are home by filing for a default divorce have my daughter be there to sign for my divorce papers hide them from me and nit tell me about it . I. Found out then he just lies he’s turned my children against me he’s smeared my name I know he poisoned are family cat we had for a pet foe years and it’s just a tool for him I don’t think he is even human and he wants to tell everyone I’m crazy !!!!!! He has the lawyer and I don’t I’ve got a friend that I’m staying with but that’s it what can u do ? I need help to go after this monster it’s getting worse and no one sees it but me . What’s it going to take ? I hope not a body he’s already pulled a gun out in a girls that was staying in his home on her Brother. Lied to police and got away with it he’s hacked my phone and he works on a military baseIf the 40 years of abuse wasn’t enough he’s going to make m life hell i really started seeing it once I got away I’m unemployed trying to get disability. He made it were I had to soul depend on him won’t give me any money either he sits in the house he has the nice. Car and I have nothing . What can I do???????

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Dani says November 26, 2019

Thank you for making what I see as a very important point about children. .We have a responsibility in providing the best education possible for them to avoid creating these monsters.
Keep up the good work.

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Anonymous says November 23, 2019

TY for info. It’s so helpful

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Hope says November 23, 2019

Dear Kim,
I wonder if a narcissist faces an other narcissist they help each other or what?
My husband is a narcissist, I want to divorce him but I am afraid the judge is a narcissist too.so,what do you think?

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    Anonymous says January 21, 2020

    we have this going on now the judge and CPS doesn’t believe us because he’s such a charmer.
    We keep taking a day at a time hoping his lies caught up to him.

    Reply
Tanja says November 21, 2019

Narcissistic abuse is very damaging. The things we put up with trying to love someone who are already damage to themselves. I was with my narc for 14 to long years and it was very damaging to me. I lost 14 years of my life being with him but thank God for Kim blogs to help me see through the truth. It’s amazing how they wants to come back after the lying, cheating and silent treatment but for me there was no turning back. It has now been 4 years of strictly no contact and it took the grace of God to finally be able to crawl out of the hole I was in especially not knowing what you were going through. I didn’t like the person that I finally seen after he and others finally took off their masks but I guess that was who they were all along, I just didn’t believe them at the time but I do now. Being with a Narcissistic is very damaging but if you can get out then it’s worth getting out and staying out. There’s no coming back here.

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Donna says October 19, 2019

Just needed to share my story,
I have gone 4 weeks no contact with my sister. Most of the people on here talk about their partners which is so horrendous!! The pain of realizing that my sister just does’nt take responsibility for such poor treatment…its taken two family events to really cement the deal breaker….being ignored, ostracised by people that I have done so much for over the years! The crazy making excuses etc…I was’nt even invited to the last event – they just don’t respect me and my family..I don’t want their crumbs. The thing I find so hard to accept is that she HAS KNOWN WHAT SHE WAS DOING THE WHOLE TIME. I suppose I didn’t want to face the truth, you think that your sister has your back..

My daughter (16) mind you and a close friend have helped me with the self-doubt, in particular my girlfriend was honest enough and said she’d noticed the toxic undercurrent, and that leaving me out of a really important family function after losing out Father in January was so mean.

I will miss my Niece dearly, but I don’t miss the snide remarks and dismissive attitude..
Thanks for listening Donna

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    Conny Jensen says November 21, 2019

    Very tragic to be shunned by a sibling! It has happened to my husband as well. Not only his sister has broken ties with him, but all her three daughters as well. It takes a long time to get back to emotional equilibrium after such occurrence and I do not think you can get over the pain entirely, ever.

    Reply
    Annemarie says November 23, 2019

    Dear Donna,
    Thank you for your story… your comment is the first one of all the sites that fits mine exactly. How could this be your own sister right? She knows you.. she of all people should have your back and even more.. i’m still confused and dont know whats worse: the damage or realizing she’s gone.
    Wish you all the support and love in the world.

    Reply
Norma says September 29, 2019

Thank you so much Kim for the emails and the videos that I’ve watched. They have been so helpful to me at this crazy time in my life. I’m now going through a break up and moving . I’m still living with this man until the lease is up, which is another month. He has said the most awful and humiliating things to me. And then the next day, he tries to get me to go back with him, like nothing happened. I am very scared to move all by myself. I dread it. I know it’s going to be very lonely, I would really like to know how I can fill this void. I don’t work, and am on disability. And a fixed income, which is another wammy. I just pray to God that he will lead me in the right path , and give me wisdom. Never to go through anything like this again. I just want to Rhank you so much for all your help and wise words . I’m sorry for anyone that has been dealing with a narcissist!!!

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    Caroline says November 23, 2019

    Norma. I too am feeling your pain. I pray to Our Lord every day to help people like us who are aware of His love but it seems to be wasted on these people who can give nothing back but their cruelty. Pray for me please I am also wanting and needing a place to go to get away from it all. My only daughter left the house today in tears to get away from all the abuse and I feel I need the strength to leave it all behind. Just know that these cruel people are not the majority. Pray for me please that I may find a home as well.

    Reply
The Only Guaranteed "One Crazy Trick" for Dealing with a Narcissist - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says September 22, 2019

[…] But this isn’t a blog to help people suffering from narcissistic personality disorder – it’s to help people dealing with a narcissist. Unlike many other personality disorders and mental illnesses, the narcissist leaves victims of devastating abuse in their wake. […]

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Angie says September 21, 2019

I think this course will help me heal. It outlines exactly what I’ve been going through and very recently escaped.

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Mary C Ray says August 26, 2019

Thank you and God Bless you …this is such a challenge for me made easier with you by my side thank you

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    Kim Saeed says September 9, 2019

    So glad to know I’ve helped in some small way, Mary 🙂

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
How to Deal with the Silent Treatment and Gain the Upper Hand - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says July 29, 2019

[…] consider the narcissistic silent treatment a form of abuse.  It’s a popular form of mental torture used by narcissistic individuals, whereby they cut their victims off by not talking to them for extended periods of time. Sometimes […]

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The Deafening Brutality of the Narcissistic Silent Treatment - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says July 10, 2019

[…] consider the narcissistic silent treatment a form of abuse.  It’s a popular form of mental torture used by narcissistic individuals, whereby they cut their victims off by not talking to them for extended periods of time. Sometimes […]

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11 Mandatory Rules for Dealing With a Narcissist - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says June 9, 2019

[…] support groups for victims of narcissists have sprouted up over the years, as people have realized the damage a narcissist has done in their […]

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Gwendolyn Garrevoet says June 6, 2019

Hello,
I’m maried with a narcist, since 2002.
I have 4 children with him.
So for me it is IMPOSSIBLE for leaving him.
What can I do???
Are there people who has experienced that?
sincerely
Gwendolyn

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    Tabitha says August 20, 2019

    I was in a 16 year relationship/marriage with two children. The sooner you can get out the better, doesn’t get any better.

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    Kathie says October 12, 2019

    Gwendolyn, I left my NPD abuser in 2001. Still trying to deal. But this I can promise you. If you don’t find a way to break all ties, you will be left with 4 NPD children who will be unable to ever have a successful relationship, job or any semblance of a normal life that YOU will have to always take care of! So get all of you into a good church and start picking up the pieces of your life for the sake of your children! Otherwise, you will be left with 4 mini-me’s of your husband FOREVER!!

    Reply
Working The 5 Phases of Trauma Recovery After Narcissistic Abuse | The Secrets to building Healthy Relationships and Successful Marriages says May 13, 2019

[…] People don’t usually blame themselves for fires and earthquakes but we blame ourselves for narcissistic abuse. […]

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Matilda Reich says May 1, 2019

Do you have workshops in Australia?
I have a lot of rage inside me from waking up rather late in life to the two narcissists who hurt me. I have rage for what they think they can do to another and being fooled into thinking they can change. This is not helped when people say “hurt people hurt people”. That is no excuse as far as I am concerned because of the fact that not ALL hurt people hurt people.

I am looking for workshop to process my inner rage into a useful purpose. Or if you have something similar.

Thank you.

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Glorith says April 15, 2019

I am the mother of an adult narcissist. I have yet to find one article regarding how to walk the tight rope between keeping my promise I would never give up on him and how to be a parent to this person. Obviously, NO CONTACT would be an option. However, we live a 10 hour drive away from each other. My religious faith also affects my choices. The best advice I’ve seen is to be “strong, clear and merciful”. I’m onto many of his mind games and I will no longer be sucked into those I know about. I’d appreciate any referrals to books, articles, links, online resources for parents of narcissists. Thank you, anyone who can assist! (P.S. I believe that with him, it’s a genetic anomaly. He never had the desire for approval or affection I’ve seen in other babies and children. He cared about power, control and getting his own way, no matter the consequences. I waited for him to grow out of the “terrible two’s” into the sweetness of the three year old but it never happened. He’s a two year old in a man’s body.)

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    Kim Saeed says April 15, 2019

    Hi Glorith, I am sorry to learn your son is narcissistic. Unfortunately, we must treat our relationship with narcissistic children the same we would any other abusive or toxic relationship. Not sure what your religion is, but most religious texts are very clear about how we are to deal with such people. For example, in the Bible, you might refer to 2 Timothy 3:1-7.

    You basically have two options, get to a point of No Contact or accept him the way he is and continue your relationship without expecting anything positive in return. If you choose to maintain your relationship, you will need to take part in lots of therapy and self-care to counter the effects of such a relationship.

    There are resources out there which supposedly teach ways to keep such relationships afloat, but in the end, they don’t really help because you cannot heal or thrive in a traumatic environment. Any first responder will tell you to get away from an environment which is dangerous to your well-being.

    Hope that helps.

    Kim

    Reply
    Meenam says October 29, 2019

    I am dealing with a pair of adult unmarried narc daughters, genetic offspring of an ex mentally ill husband. My moral responsibility and commitment and my own sanity and self esteem are at logger heads. I have been distancing myself gradually , becoming more immune, but total break away seems impossible

    Reply
      Jeanne says May 6, 2020

      I’m dealing with the same thing. I have 2 abusive adult daughters and a son. I left their father when my son was 3. I’m stuck because any attempt I have made to explain their fathers behavior has resulted in them attacking me…and them saying “It’s not about dad..its YOU”….He has a lot of money and has bought their loyalty. He has used any event good and bad to gain admiration and score points. Their weddings were about HIM..he gave a bragging speech and didn’t even mention me! My son’s addiction…he made sure I was blamed for everything while I tried desperately to sit down and discuss a plan to help my son. He twisted everything to be seen as his rescuer which he was because he has money. They treat me like I dont deserve their love or any attention at all. I dont ask them for a thing…but they call me “needy and selfish”…the dont call me or text after I send them a quik hello. I have a good job…am a responsible adult and take care of my grandchildren who love me because they haven’t brainwashed them yet! They tolerate that because they need my help!

      Reply
    Mary says December 16, 2019

    I have been divorced from a Narc for 23 years. We have a daughter who is 30 and is exactly as you described. I am at a loss as to what to do, since she is my daughter

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Jodi H says April 3, 2019

Also, I wanted to say thank you Kim for your wealth of information and insight.

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Jodi H says April 3, 2019

Wow! I have been so relieved to learn only in the last 6 weeks that there is a name for what I have been going through in my 10+ years of marriage with my husband who is absolutely a narcissist. I know that everything I have read is darn near exactly what I have been living. I consider myself educated and let me tell you this creeped up and left me confused devastated and suffering PTSD. I knew someone was wrong and that I was becoming more and more depressed. I was punished ALL the time with silent treatments. If I ever wanted to talk to him about feelings or emotions he would shut me down and not speak to me. Things do not change. My husband walked out and left for a few days on our 3 yr anniversary after doing that once a month for a year and I told him that would be the last time. I packed his stuff and didn’t hear from him for a year and as I was filing and serving him divorce papers he showed up and promised that world so I took him back. Mistake!!! This guy damn near killed me and then said he didn’t give a flying you know what. He has been out of the house 3 months and keeps giving excuses why he can pick up his stuff. I’m still trying to get off the floor and when I do I will file for divorce once and for all. Thankfully I haven’t seen or spoke to him but he left with no responsibility and left me hanging in many ways. So please…. do not give another chance it could completely destroy you. I’m so thankful for the information out there.

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Jennifer says April 1, 2019

Thank you. I am getting stronger everyday.

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Shawn says March 13, 2019

It’s been 2 1/2 years!! he’s pretty much out of my picture, at least I don’t notice most of the time.
I was responsible for him loosing his job here. At least that is what he thinks. When he get’s pissy he takes it out on me. VIA his 4 monkeys. I’m so tired and the stress is making my disease progress faster. I have compiled so much evidence that the police are now starting to believe me. My police officer says I’m to far into proving this situation, that I can’t quit. They are staring to pick on people I care about. Some time I feel like I’m in a movie. ( maybe it should be one ). There’s really no one to talk to. Main stream no one understands. What am I too do ????
Signed Shawn very tired.

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Leslie says March 13, 2019

I started my journey to healing several years ago. And I’ve told u this before, ur words were the first I read that pulled me out of the pit.
And though I’m almost there, I’ll continue to seek out ur wisdom
and guidance to keep me moving forward ❤️

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Kimberlee Williams says March 13, 2019

I am now in the process of filing a stalking injunction against my ex and his new supply. Any tips? I have proof of his stalking, text and email threats, and an entire timeline of all abuse- I also have court in April to see if the judge can get it through his head that he no longer controls MY life!!

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Shirley says March 13, 2019

Thanks for sharing your insight and wisdom Kim. I believe in miracles! Healing from narc abuse is a miracle and hard work!

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Susan says March 13, 2019

They will destroy your entire world and then they will slowly kill you without blinking an eye. Pure evil.

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Tara says March 13, 2019

Hi Kim: I tried to access your program from my cell bcuz my laptop is not working and it wouldn’t go thru. I was wondering if you could just pray for me. I’ve been under a vicious attack by my Mom (she’s not concsious of what she’s doing) and her 2 flying monkeys (my narc brothers) who have been on a quest to destroy me since my Dad died almost 9 years ago. My story is unbelievable and so overwhelming because of the bizarre chaotic circumstances and suufering that I’ve been my health has also been affected to the point that I’ve almost died more than once. I think if it weren’t for my precious dog I probably would have died or maybe committed suicide I just don’t have the guts to do it because I keep holding out…..please pray for me Kim.
I swear I’m not trying to manipulate you in any way. Just desparate in Delray Beach, wishing I never moved here from New Mexico where I at least had friends.

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Anonymous says March 13, 2019

This is brilliant. From my own experience, I absolutely agree. You CANNOT repair a relationship with a narcissist. As a Targeted Individual of a sadistic Gov/military/Intelligence program, it is obvious that my handler is a narcissist on steroids who caused me to love him so as to be better able to control me for their sadistic experiments. I am breaking free but the cost is high. I was almost killed in a car crash. My home has been broken into four times and my condo was almost set on fire from a “ faulty” thermostat. I have been off my feet for three months this winter due to physical attacks to my legs and joints. If I am still fighting, the rest of you MUST.

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Dorothy Rosina Letsholo says March 13, 2019

Iam not working I don’t have money to divorce I am in relationship for narcissus he abuse me emotional. He has girlfriend whose pregnant but he dinie he come home at 5 am in the morning if I ask him he don’t answer

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Eddie says March 13, 2019

I really appreciate your candid statements. I’m not satisfied with the current situation in this world. It’s not that I don’t want to help others to heal but I’m going to bet it will come with strong opposition “the Narcissistic people”. Make sense to come up with a plan to protect n defend ourselves. Legal, Safe, and Effective. Thank you for your time .

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Kathy says February 4, 2019

I am 63 and 7 years divorced from a 35 year verbally abusive marriage. My beloved father was killed when I was 8 leaving me to be raised by a narc mom. I was born with a cleft lip so therefore from my first breath she didn’t accept the fact that I was born damaged and didn’t fit in her perfect world. She also didn’t want a girl…I was supposed to be a boy and took every opportunity throughout my life to tell me so. The night of my wedding I was filled with love for the man I was marrying…I thought how cool that he has chosen to love only me for the rest of his life. Two years into the marriage I found out he had been unfaithful. Something died in me that day but I kept trying for 33 more years and I was a thin shell of who I once was…I felt so damaged. From that day forward my heart held no real love for him. In 2010 the mom went into Alzheimer’s and I was the first of the 3 children to be forgotten. I was ecstatic thinking that she could no longer hurt me. However, it was only a short time that I realized I had indeed had married the mom. In 2012 after hitting rock bottom I walked away. It hasn’t been an easy journey but one that was well worth traveling. The siblings didn’t like how “I had changed” as I no longer walked on eggshells to simply get along with them and have since written me out of their lives…this too was a beautiful gift. Dating at this age is a hell all of its own. However, I have since taken time to really learn to love myself and should someone come into my life I will not allow them to tear me down. The loneliness is hard to handle some days and is something I struggle with but this too shall pass. This article is fabulous and I now realize they didn’t really break my heart but my spirit. Just like my heart is something I hold near and dear my spirit is something that I will NEVER allow to be broken again. Hang in there everyone as it does get better. Keep believing in yourself and learn to love yourself first and foremost! Only then will you be able to discern between what is good for you and what you need to run from. Only a few weeks ago I had a young lady tell me that I had a sweet spirit about me. I wasn’t sure how to take this but after reading this article those words now fill me with joy.

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Jean says January 26, 2019

I was raped by a narc from my workplace. After the incidnt he maligned my name in office. I had to leave my job. Even after that je threatened me if i ever contacted him again. Now he is back after a little more than a year asking me to meet up with him. The abuse was never reported to authorities.

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Jean says January 26, 2019

Please help. I was raped a little over a year ago by a Narc from my work place. Ive never told anyone except my husband. I couldnt go to the authorities because he didnt leave any visible scars. Immediately after the incident he emotionally blackmailed me. Few of my colleagues came to know about us. He malinged my name in the office. I left my job. Its been a little more than a year and the memories are so fresh. Now he is back and asking me to meet him again.

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Jim says January 21, 2019

Iam just 3 weeks out of one of these relationships, hopefully . I am 58 yo. and have never been with someone like this. I thought she was it for me, I ever bought a home for us and put her name on the deed. We were not in the house a day and her mask came off. I didn’t know what to think. I have left the home 3 times in 6 months because I couldn’t take it anymore. According to her it’s all my fault. I am still confused and getting mad. I still love, but I know I cannot fix this. I am heart broken and confused. I didn’t know these people existed. She tells her friends I have been abusive to her. This is going to take a long time for me to get better. Please watch out out there.

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Karen Lovett says January 20, 2019

My narc dangled the carrot of true love for 7 years. When I last saw him he came to my work after 4 years of no contact and told me he just wanted to see if I was dead yet? How creepy! I’ve bought a different car, quit my job, have a different home and am off Facebook.

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    Kim Saeed says January 21, 2019

    What a moron! If he ever finds you again and comes in making such a statement, you might want to call the authorities…and tell him you’re doing it.

    I am very glad to know you’ve sealed him out of your life as much as possible. You can do this. I believe in you.

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
Working The 5 Phases of Trauma Recovery After Narcissistic Abuse - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery & Personal Growth says December 5, 2018

[…] don’t usually blame themselves for fires and earthquakes but we blame ourselves for narcissistic abuse. Healing from narcissistic abuse is different because it attacks your very sense of self, your […]

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Tammy says November 1, 2018

I am 54 years old & never let any one break me until I was in a relationship of this kind. I got free of my abuser because he died. It has been a year & a half since he is gone & I am still messed up & trying to heal. Your advise here is so true. I am hoping that by reading your messages it will bring me back as much as possible. I know I will never be whole again but I will fight to get as close a I ca. THANK YOU

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Mary says October 1, 2018

Kim OMG I am so grateful to have you in my life. I am now 4 months out of a 28 year relationship with my male partner. And was so desperate to find someone who REALLY understands where I am. And truly it is you my dear. You know my pain. And my pain is great! I have been livinge the movie “Sleeping With the Enemy”. I thought I knew what a NARC is but, boy was I wrong. I have experienced every behavior they use to gain their supply. It is truly like living with the devil himself he was so cunning. This is the first time I am writing anywhere about this malicious person. And validating my own feelings and my voice. His voice on the other hand was very frightening especially when he went into an instant rage. It felt like someone stabbed me in my back. I also at time

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Tanja says September 30, 2018

Narcissistic Abuse is damaging, very damaging to your core of your own being. Especially from someone you thought loved you. But what gets me is when they appear like a ghost trying to get back in your life. With some Narc in my life, I had to go no contact in order to get me back. Some no contact for a year, others over two years and now they are appearing like ghost. Just texting to see if I would respond or probably wondering if they can creep there way back into my life like before. NO, I have came to far to turn back now. They all (narc) has taught me a lesson that I had to learn about myself and especially about them. But the whole question is ” why do they come back after years knowing they were trying to destroy you”? Are they trying to get in touch to see if you are still destroy because of them. Well for me there masks have fallen off and I see them now.

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Christina says September 20, 2018

I see a therapist for/because of this very thing. My late father was emotionally and physically abusive. Now my older sister has taken over. But I cannot split from her because 1) I haven’t the income to live on my own, 2) I live in my 94 yr old mom’s house (along w/my sister and bro-in-law), and am her full-time caretaker. We can’t afford to pay for outside care for her (I get paid $75.00 a wk to take care of her!) and only my sister handles mom’s income. If I leave, no one else in my family (I have another sister who travels full-time in our ministry with her husband, my niece, and my adult daughter) will take care of her. None of them are willing to retire from the full-time travel to come home take over for me. I am stuck here. My therapist has been trying to help me cope because, as she has acknowledged to me, my belief system will not allow me to abandon my mom. This is extremely condensed; I’m sure you can understand that…but after fifty years of hearing myself called stupid, a numskull, a witch, disloyal, and rebellious, My default is mean-parent discourse in my mind, a self-loathing that is overwhelming at times, severe life-long depression and 3 suicide attempts and two mental hospital stays. But I am a Christian and will not leave my mom.

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Where have I disappeared to? - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says September 12, 2018

[…] Be patient with yourself. Your beautiful qualities are what got you involved with a narcissist in the first place and their lack of appreciation or validation of them is what damages you. […]

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Kathy says September 6, 2018

Every time I read an article about this type of abuse, it reaffirms what I always knew to be an eventual fact: my younger sibling would be severely affected by our parent’s passing, and I would catch the brunt of his long held wrath of fear and jealousy. Now there is a name for it; now I know what to do.

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Brenda Barton says August 31, 2018

HELP. After 6 yrs of degrading belittling embarrassing, disrespectful, toiletries, publicly humiliating, triangulation narcissistic abuse I couldn’t fight back, I discarded stuff said nothing knowing he would kill me, so stuffed it all and now I’ve become the perpetrator he always was but made me out to be whole he played victim. Now I’ve began abusing my pets with a uncontrollable rage problem please somebody HELP me

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    Kim Saeed says August 31, 2018

    Hi Brenda,

    You may want to look into adopting your pets out to a safer environment and then get yourself into professional therapy. Your situation is beyond the scope of what anyone can help you with on this particular platform. If you fear for your life, it would also be a good idea to visit your local domestic violence center so they can help you with an escape plan.

    Kim

    Reply
M. D. Martir says August 4, 2018

I lost my soul and so much more. I went two rounds with this person, wasted 30 years. Unbelievable everything I’ve read is so true and continues I’ve been told I can say that I’ve danced with the Devil and that’s exactly how I feel/felt. The lies just continue actually get a life of Their Own. I have gone from being the perfect wife mother to being a drunk and lazy no-good ugly etc. and just last night I cried a bucket of Tears because I am letting go. I will mourn the loss and look for help for my self and adult kids I feel strong enough to do this now. It was a roller coaster ride and I’m glad I got off

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Working The 5 Phases of Trauma Recovery After Narcissistic Abuse - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says August 1, 2018

[…] don’t usually blame themselves for fires and earthquakes but we blame ourselves for narcissistic abuse. Healing from narcissistic abuse is different because it attacks your very sense of self, your […]

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Yoki says August 1, 2018

A victim of narcissistic abuse. Also suffering from PTSD.

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lynn adams says July 30, 2018

I so much understand exactly what narcissistic abuse is. Unfortunately, parents are still always blamed if their child ends up being a Narcissist. This is absolutely untrue and more research needs to be done on placing blame squarely on a “neurological condition” rather than always blaming parents. I, for one, was the scapegoat of my family who went on to love my children unconditionally, making sure I would never treat them like my parents treated me. Unfortunately, I attracted further Narcissists and subsequently, the genes were there. Please do more reseach on what ADHD is before blaming parents for everything. Social Workers, Psychologists, and CPS do not seem to have a clue and definitely need more training on the dynamics of dysfunctional families.

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    Jeanne says May 6, 2020

    Yes…this is so true! My grown kids have all emotionally deserted me and with this pandemic lockdown I finally realize they dont care at all. I’ve been stuck on giving and giving and just showing my love to them and my grandkids. I finally started complaining that they dont seem to care and the dam finally burst!! They all ficiously attacked me and I realized that they are like their narc father! They have learned well…but I can NEVER bring up the fact that they have been influenced by him. They are his “flying monkeys” …love this term its exactly what happened. The call me “needy and selfish” and I have NEVER asked them for a thing…am self sufficient..and do so much for them! Now that I’m getting older…I’ve been feeling vulnerable…and like their dad are using that as an opportunity to attack!!!

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Tricia Viegra says July 1, 2018

I am like in a fog walking among others who simply have no idea that I’m living in a nightmare but I can’t seem to wake up .please, if u could help me in someway care enough about my self or my life again maybe there’s some hope to make it to the place where I can live and breathe again …

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The Only Guaranteed "One Crazy Trick" for Dealing with a Narcissist - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says June 22, 2018

[…] But this isn’t a blog to help people suffering from narcissistic personality disorder – it’s to help people dealing with a narcissist. Unlike many other personality disorders and mental illnesses, the narcissist leaves victims of devastating abuse in their wake. […]

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Anonymous says June 20, 2018

I lost my bff to a narcissist. She just stopped contacting me. And he is actually my ex. And my child’s father, or rather, sperm donar. We bonded over the sharing of our struggles with him. I’m a hot mess to this day because of the damage he did to me spiritually, and now this. I’m struggling and I just don’t know anymore. How to overcome this. I’m paralyzed. Sad and rejected. My heart I gave to her, I let her in and I’m left crushed.
Shattered

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LP says June 7, 2018

This is the most accurate article I have ever read. Dead on perfect!!!!

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Susan Bartel says May 20, 2018

Hi Kim
Thank you for your article on Narcissistic Abuse. I was in a relationship for 7 years with a man who was having multiple affairs with women from the internet, prostitutes, and even had an affair with his ex wife that resulted with her having a child. He had been seeing one woman the whole of our relationship and is stil seeing her while he lives with another woman. This man also stole well over $200,000.00 to finance his lifestyle with other woman while in a relationship with me. Even planning a wedding with me while he was having a secret lifestyle. I was blamed for the break up of our relationship because I snooped on his phone and found out what he was doing. This person has no empathy or guilt for what he did.
This person emotionally, spiritually, fiancially abused me. If it wasn’t for my family and two very close girlfriends I would not be here two years later. Thanks to your site and others that I have read on this topic it has helped to heal me and understand what happened to me. Thank you

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Teenie says May 17, 2018

I never do this but you have a way of cutting to the meat of the matter. I am trying to “find” myself. I’m 59, single for the 1st time in many years. I’m floundering. Help?

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Shakira Jackson says May 15, 2018

This information is very helpful wondering will I’ll heal dont repeat this again

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    Stephanieste.burgess says December 18, 2018

    I did I made the horrible mistake of letting him back round two feels like it is literally the end of the world for me!! Please learn the first-time

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john Elshant says May 5, 2018

Thanks liz— I read all of that to my friend a girl friend. She is still being tortured mentally by her X. She has him working for her threw out the week . Sometimes I’m right there when he starts in on her . And it gets pretty bad. I want to say something to the asshole but she won’t let me. She says it will make her life worst. The way I see it is she wants him there as a laborer. She always talks about getting rid of him but it’s been almost two years now. So this is the last time I try to help her. It’s her life she has all the details that I got from you so the ball is now in her court. Thanks Liz

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elizabeth says May 4, 2018

without your site I would have gone under, you understand so well. xx

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S.L.H. says May 3, 2018

Everything you said is spot on! I was in two different marriages with narcissists and after the most horendous of divorces only to be followed by a second divorce, I started doing research to understand what had happened to me. I had been married to two different narcissist. One a religious covert malignant narcissist and the second an overt malignant narcissist. Both of those men attacked me at my spiritual core and tried to utterly destroy me in any way they could get away with. If you find yourself involved with a narcissist, go NO CONTACT immediately. It’ll bless your life!

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    Darlene says May 20, 2018

    Dear SLH, I’m right behind you, unfortunately….so sad to be going through this with #2 as well. But, I need to get to the point of NO CONTACT!!!

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Anonymous says May 2, 2018

That was a great article. Good solid explanation of the core of the abuse. Thank you

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Shirley Akpelu says May 2, 2018

Your blog is spot on once again Kim.
Keep up the great work my friend.
Not many actually know the deal about narcissism. You get it. You have experienced it. You help others because you have integrity.

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Isabel Olgado says May 2, 2018

I am deeply sorry for the extent if your trauma and rhe effects to your som and other relationships. All I an say, there is real love out there and I hope we will both be blessed to one day find it ?

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    cathy says February 27, 2019

    i hopenwe sll get stroger belivevin our gut and move on it wasnt us.we wannt and belive in honesty in all its not there and its not our falts.get better stay strong.lets work on us not worring what others think.stay strong.lets all go no contact anf fux us.

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Isabel says May 2, 2018

It is the love within yourself you need to focus on.I can relate to the “ fake” aspect” of the Narcisstic abuse pattern but it shouldn’t be internalized as such, they are just incapable of otherwise. This is a calling to love yourself more. In all the ways we loved them more than ourselves- this time s not their fault but ours to deeply look at.

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Dr. Jai says May 1, 2018

I echo your thoughts and feelings. After 15yrs. Of fake love I find it a struggle trying to get through each day.
And as time marches on I am less inclined to keep in step with it.
I grow weaker with each breath.

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Eva says May 1, 2018

Hi, I just read this and much of it rings true. I have a couple of concerns though. I was involved with a person through a family connection that I now realize is a Narcissist and who I finally was able to break from, now coping with moving past all that. I believe they are labeling me as a narcissist and I am concerned after hearing the description that I have unhealed emotional issues from childhood, yet I don’t use or hurt people intentionally. I have been on the receiving end of narcissistic abuse and resolved to not behave that way as I see the pain it causes. Is the main characteristic of NPD a disregard for and deliberate manipulation and destruction of people? Otherwise, how do people who are emotionally underdeveloped and lacking relational skills (me, from being raised in very dysfunctional circumstances) differ from narcissists? It is frightening to me to think that I might in any way be similar to that!

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    Kim Saeed says May 11, 2018

    Hi Eva, there is one thing that separates us from them…empathy. We may be wounded, but we still have empathy. They don’t. This is why they can mistreat and use people as if they were sitting and eating a cheeseburger…

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    Isabel says May 11, 2018

    Hi Eva,
    If your Narcissist is a family connection and now you believe people ate labellibg you a Barcissit , that is because there us a smear campaign going on. Thats a very typical move fir a Narcissit to attempt to hurt you by projecting his own poir behaviour in to you and laking ithers believe that what he does, you actually did. Anyone who knows and cares about the empathic pzrson you ate would know bettzr, but sonce the narcissit typically has everyone fooled as to who they ate- the blame has lijely been shifted on you. I think that has to be the mos painful betrayal of all the crap they are capable of because this way they are messing with changing peoples perceptions of who you are. I hope you find a way to navigate through this carefully and avoid further hurt❤️?

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Mark S says May 1, 2018

I was married to one for 26 years. She made the divorce a very ugly, very expensive, multi-year process. She is able to fly under the radar at work and in public, due to her extraordinary ability to lie and present her “sweet little person” public face. Always new something was wrong, but wasn’t until I learned what she truly is that I finally found the inner strength to leave. Only the close family knows her “real face”. She tried to destroy every relationship I had, and unfortunately succeeded at destroying most of them including my best friend from childhood. Even tried to destroy the professional relationships with my doctor and dentist! I could write a book on all the illegal and immoral crap she pulled. It’s taken my family several years to come to grips with the reality of who I married. Like most abused partners, I supported the public view of our “perfect” marriage and relationship…. to the point no one believed me when I finally began telling the truth what really went on in our private life. And don’t even get me started on how the court system has zero clue on this personality disorder, especially when the female is the disordered one.

My son who is now 21 and living on his own while attending college, is now starting to realize the extent of the lies that she has filled him with. It took several very long and lonely years to get our relationship back to anything close to normal. He didn’t speak to me for over two years. Was so filled with rage and hatred due to her lies, it nearly broke my heart. Now he is finally able to start healing too. I do feel really sorry for her mother, who is a virtual slave to her and her sister, and is forced to endure their abuse with no one to protect her any longer.

It’s been three years now since I’ve left and gone no-contact. I’ve never been happier and more relaxed. I still have lingering issues and know I’ve been damaged by the years living with her abuse, but at least I am happy and on the road to healing.

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    Lori says May 3, 2018

    Mark,
    Oh, boy, can I relate. The creature I was married to for over 10 years nearly broke me in every way. When he found out I was on to him, that’s when the “fun” began. My God, don’t anyone make the mistake I made and tell someone you think they have NPD. I was so naive and it cost me big time. I thought he loved me so much that if he just knew what was wrong with him, he could “fix” it. I’m here to tell you, never, ever, ever, ever, ever under any circumstances tell a narcissist they are a narcissist. You are signing your own death warrant. I learned the hard way what these cold-blooded reptiles are capable of and it’s like nothing anyone who hasn’t experienced it could ever imagine. The smear and gaslighting campaigns waged against me by the thing and his equally repulsive offspring in my very own home was like the movie Sleeping with the Enemy. One thing is for sure, though, you will find out who really cares about you. I also found out during this time that my parents were both severely disordered and my younger brother is also a narcissistic sociopath. The decimation they cause cannot be described. If I had a say, I think all of them should be put in the most dreary of solitary confinement with their “wonderful, fabulous” selves, no TV, no radio, no music, no human contact, only a Bible and picture of themselves, for life. And no, I couldn’t care less that they were abused as children. I was severely abused, too, and I would never even think of doing to another human what they do.
    It’s sad for the child they once were, but they choose to be this way. I had no idea evil could seem this ordinary.

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      elizabeth owen says September 13, 2018

      Oh now I agree DO NOT tell them that you are on to them, playing the dim wit that I was keeps me safe. I did remove him from my house after 24 years for cheating again, we are pretend friends,

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D'Ann Gregory says May 1, 2018

I have left the Narc. numerous times and I am back by Love Bombing and almost considering suicide.

When I am with her I feel so stressed. Every sentence is an argument and I am to blame for everything. I get confused on what we are even talking about half the time. I don’t even want to speak because it turns out to be a blown out conversation battle. She yells at me for small things around the house. Examples: “You left the door unlocked!” “You left the light on!” “You left the toilet seat up!” You left another water bottle on the night stand!” “Your truck smells!” “You drive crazy!”…..

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Ian says May 1, 2018

Please continue to send and publish the articles Kim , I suffered at the hands of a female Narsasisst , she gone now but not before trying to destroy my life because I exposed her , the abuse I suffered at her hands , the constant lies she told , they say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned , my Narsasisstic Ex , destroys lives and leave destruction in her wake before she moves onto her next victim , fully support by her toxic family and cowardly father , who knew the truth but kept silent and allowed it to happen .

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    Kevin says October 1, 2018

    Yeah, the female narcissists are truly real pieces of work. They lie about just EVERYTHING. There’s always an ulterior motive to everything they do and say, so they can execute their underhanded and malicious schemes. Anything they say needs to noted and then fact-checked because it’s highly likely it’s a lie or said slyly out of context in order to confuse and deceive you. They have very nasty dispositions. They hate passionately the truth, so when confronted with it they get bent of of shape. Responsibility for their devious behavior is something they cannot accept and own. They have neither integrity nor scruples, so they are quite untrustworthy.

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patricia osadciw says May 1, 2018

Thank you so very much for your words. Most days I feel so broken. I just found out her bought her a car and is using my benefits to purchase Cialis… Like I said He’s 30 years older than her. She’s 31 he’s 61. And it’s been one year and 4 months since he let me for her. It’s going to be two summers , and every summer if get into a depression loneliness.. I cry and I feel like I will go insane.. I thought they would breakup only because he’s old and she not.. I know that’s my hope so he will feels my pain and hurt. Thanks for listening .

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    elizabeth owen says September 13, 2018

    Believe me it will not last and I doubt she is as happy as you think, they always repeat their behaviour, that you can be assured of that. I have been there too

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Paul mcgrath says May 1, 2018

Your description of the affects of narcissim is so accurate and helped me greatly. Thank you kindly. Paul

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    Kim Saeed says May 2, 2018

    Thank you for stopping by, Paul. I’m glad to know you feel validated.

    Hugs,

    Kim

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Jeanne says May 1, 2018

It’s been a couple months since I walked way after a 12 year relationship with him. I’m having so many emotions now. The main one is this strange anxiety every day. I finally figured out what it is and it’s that I’m not pissed off everyday anymore. I don’t wake up mad or sad or confounded.

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    elizabeth says May 4, 2018

    I too find the lack of anxiety hard to come to terms with after 24 years.

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Berna Mary says May 1, 2018

Fantastic Kim. Being able to articulate and acknowledgement is the first major step to healing. That which is not acknowledged cannot be healed.You help make my thots clear. How can i heal without first identifying what is going on. ‘Be not ignorant of evil.’

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Brenni Chase says January 14, 2018

Is it typical for the child of a covert narcissist to idolize their toxic parent? I always felt like my mum & I had a strong bond and it wasn’t until during my 20s that I began to see her in a different light. I’m 34yo now and it’s gotten to the point where I find being in her company unbearable. I can’t stand how superficial the whole thing seems; certainly the version of myself that I share when she’s around could be likened to the empty shell of my former ‘mother pleasing’ character. I do this because I strongly dislike conflict of any kind and because my kids seem to view her through rose coloured glasses & as much as that concerns me, I do not want to inadvertently become the wedge between their relationship with her thanks to her skilled manipulation. Before I even knew about covert narcissism and no contact being a thing, I told my mother I wanted time without her calls & unexpected drop ins, but it wasn’t long before she just had to drop by because she had a few things for the boys….. I can see how immense the no contact mountain is. Besides her company being unbearable it’s the unapproving tone of her voice that I no longer wish to torment myself with. It’s the guilt tripping and obligation games. It’s her judgemental attitude toward anyone she thinks of as less – I have always despised the way in which she’d talk about poor families from schools she taught at (NOT that we had money, we were just better actors), only recently did she spew a big judgemental attack to me over the phone on overweight people she’d seen lining up at a fast food joint. Such an unevolved bitch. I’m also sick & tired of her insistence on showering my children with unnecessary gifts and unneeded clothes, they love it tho, which I know is why she continues to do it. She has nothing of substance to offer. She has worked hard to contaminate my relationship with my partner and hasn’t succeeded. I worry that because she’s lost her grip on me & because it’s obvious that my relationship with my partner isn’t within her web of control either that she’s planting seeds in our children’s minds. I particularly worry about what evilness she is willing to perpetrate regarding our decision to homeschool (given she was a loyal education dept employee her entire career) & also regarding my partner, the boys dad. I’m sure she makes up stories about him and purely because he’s everything she isn’t. I’ve only just discovered covert narcissism but my research seems to be confirming suspicions I’ve had for some time. 🙁 Silent treatment was her best weapon and I HATED not knowing what the hell her issue was. Walking on eggshells for weeks at a time. The last sleepover my kids had at her place they mentioned her silent treatment but I didn’t twig until now. -“We didn’t know why” they said…. Enough is enough I think. Tho I feel weak and incapable of actually achieving no contact so wishes of courage and conviction would be lovely.

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    Donna says October 19, 2019

    You sound like you have an excellent grip on whats going on! Protect your family, as you don’t want it to be a generational thing. I went no contact 4 weeks ago from my narc sister (and family). Big deal breaker – very good at omitting the truth and ostracizing me from family!! I wish you well – Donna

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11 Mandatory Rules for Dealing With a Narcissist - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says January 8, 2018

[…] Many online blogs and support groups for victims of narcissists have sprouted up over the years, as people have realized the damage a narcissist has done in their lives. […]

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Jessica Lyn Beck (koski) says November 8, 2017

I Had no idea what a Narcissist was or had even heard about Narcissism really until I got into a relationship with one for a little over two years. And the crazy thing is , he was the first person I had ever heard say that word , “narcissist”. He in fact referred to so many other people like his ex-wife as being a narcissist. He would accuse these people of being as such and doing the things that he was ,in fact , doing himself. Towards the end of our relationship I realized that all of the things that he had been accusing me of doing he in fact was also doing himself. Being involved with a narcissist is very traumatizing , it’s very confusing and painful and it took me doing a lot of research and journaling and counseling to realize what I had just gone through and that it was not my fault and that I could not have changed anything or prevented the outcome of the way things went because the narcissist was in control of the whole situation. I just had no clue what what was going on. Now that I am educated on narcissism I have come to find that there are many narcissist out there and they truly are evil walking around in human form. And it is a bit hurtful that none of my friends or family members understand what I went through or will even take the time to get educated because it’s not like any other break up. It’s not just another every day break up,it’s a horrible thing to have to pick your stuff up from and put the pieces back together. And while I was beginning to heal the narcissist just simply walked away as if nothing had happened and sought out his next victim. Actually, he was seeking his next victim while we were still together because they put that plan in motion way ahead of time

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Deborah says October 3, 2017

I was married to one for32 years!
I still don’t understand how they suposibally love you and consciously hurt you?
OK so my X is not blood but my own son????

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Anonymous says October 3, 2017

Thank you so much for this article. I’ve been trying to find a way in my head to explain this to people without sounding like I feel sorry for myself. It IS a completely different type of trauma but seems to hurt worse than something you can’t control. Especially when it’s someone that raised you since you were 4….I didn’t even realized I was being brainwashed. I can’t believe I thought my stepdad actually cared for me for 20 years. It crushes your soul. It’s been 3 years since no contact and my world is still unbalanced.

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Maryan says September 24, 2017

I’v been with a narc for 2 yrs now but I have done ever thing possible to kick him out but seems impossible.

I have Even tried to date other men but failed I keep calling him and the abuse escalates,am confused and lost my ambtion,health although not physycall but physocologycal I have progressed a horrible temper ..and I have also sacrificed namless important aspects and also dear loved ones that are in a crucial time og their lives and needs me to be there but sad enough I have lost myself in something thats totaly worthless and not even worry my time thanks for help hope i can get any advice

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    Kim Saeed says September 25, 2017

    Hi Maryan,

    I’m sorry to learn of your struggles. It may be necessary to get an attorney involved to see how you can make him leave your home. This has been the case with many clients I’ve worked with. It’s no fun, but it works.

    There isn’t really any brief advice I can offer which will help you with your situation. The truth is, these situations are complex and healing from narcissistic abuse is multi-layered. If you haven’t joined us in The Essential No Contact Bootcamp, that would be a good start.

    Wishing you the best,

    Kim XoXo

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Ariel says September 23, 2017

Hurts so much

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Ariel says September 23, 2017

Its sad these people exist. 13 years of my life wasted on a dead inside person no emotions so detached laughed when I said I can’t so this anymore. Its over I have a lot of healing to do but no longer will I pour into a cup that has a hole???

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Gloria V says September 6, 2017

Hi. I’m in desperate need of help. How do I deal with a narccicist who I have a child with. We are no longer living together but he refuses to accept that we’re done. He has my son who is 3 and refuses to let me see him. He says is because of how i treat him and because of how i feel about him. I feel I’m going insane with all the arguments and feel so hopeless and alone. Sometimes i just want to give up completely on everything. My daughter, who is not his, keeps me going. But at times is too hard. Can’t really talk to anyone because I feel like i will be judge as being stupid and dumb. Sometimes im willing to go back and just accept that I’m stuck as long as I can be with my son.

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    Kim Saeed says September 7, 2017

    Hi Gloria,

    It sounds like you need to get an attorney involved and get a temporary custody order in place. When there are children involved, you can’t leave these things to chance.

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M says September 3, 2017

It’s been one year since I made a clean break from him and made it impossible for him to contact me. I tried twice before but missed him so much that I went back. This has been the longest break and although I miss him I have no intention of ever going back. There are still days when I wake up with that soul crushing sadness. It will take time but I know I will get over it. In fact I’m already better than I was a year ago. For those who are struggling – like me – hang in there
It’s hard to believe but it will get better. Just stay away from these heartless and cruel people.

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    Michrle says September 4, 2017

    I totally relate to your post! I am so thankful you posted this. It is good to know I’m not alone. Stay strong and stay no contact ?

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Miriam says August 31, 2017

This was a god article for me to have come across. I married my husband in 2012 and oh boy he left after 6 months and we had lived together a year and dated (not closely tho ) since 2010… He left me for a young 19 teen year old the age of his children! She called police on me and caused so much trouble and he blamed me! So I paid for mostly everything and all he did was use me ( I see now) after 3 years I allowed him, to come back (Why??)All he did was call me stupid and slow and tell me how to do everything down to running water! well 2016 nov he cam back and since then he has left me about 5 to 6 times and of sick of it, Sick of being stupid!No moreim gone…..

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Caron says August 24, 2017

I’ve just gone through a discard with my husband of 7 months. He is the first sociopath I’ve been with, and I didn’t see it coming. It is hard to imagine that all of that wonderfulness was faked. But he did the same thing to me in the same way that he did to his first wife. I’m sure it won’t be long before he brings his new source around me, like he brought me around his ex. I am better off with it ending now before I have to pay him alimony because he can’t maintain employment. He hit me, he verbally abused me, he tried to cheat, but I think I was too watchful and prevented it. I doggedly tried to hold us together. It wasn’t fake for me. I hope someday he is saved, and I hope I am nowhere near him ever again in my life. Meanwhile, I get to choose carefully the next guy, and make his life amazing, because all that wonderfulness I had with the narc was actually because of me.

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Valerie says August 24, 2017

This article…which I have read more times than I can count in the past week has given me so much confidence and strength. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for writing this.

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    Kim Saeed says August 24, 2017

    You’re very welcome, Valerie. Glad to know it’s helped you.

    Kim XoXo

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Lori says August 21, 2017

Hi Kim,
After 12 years with an N- I finally left for good because I thought I might actually die from the pain his latest discard has caused. Two weeks ago today, I picked myself up from a sobbing heap on the floor and just felt that I had really had enough. I’m having some dark days for sure but your blog is a lifeline. Thank you

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    Kim Saeed says August 22, 2017

    Hi Lori, I’m sorry for what you’ve endured…but the good news is, it sounds like you’ve reached your choice point and are taking the opportunity to make extraordinary choices in order to change where you are headed.

    Thank you for your kind praise regarding my blog. Wishing you all the best.

    Kim XoXo

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Anonymous says August 19, 2017

This book is so on point it’s not funny.
My marital life story before a psychologist saved .Enjoy. Said my children will be just like him had I remained in the marriage. That gave me strength to break away.
I’m SO happy. He became desperate & faked a suicide. Still I never went back.
Never regretted.
Told me once, I couldn’t make it on my own.
It’s been 21 years.

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    Kim Saeed says August 19, 2017

    Hi Anon, your therapist was right and I am very glad to know you got out.

    Kudos on making it on your own for so long! XoXo

    Kim

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Lis says August 16, 2017

I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 26 years. After the divorce, I went no contact for good. He immediately moved on with a new supply and seems to be having an ideal life, while I’m left to heal from the devastation. It’s been two years and I’m still feeling the affects of the whole thing. I just want to get past it so badly and sometimes I feel like I’m almost there then the insecurities creep back in and I’m back to square one. I wish I could just disappear sometimes.

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    Kim Saeed says August 22, 2017

    I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, Lis. What kind of healing programs have you joined? Have you sought any help?

    Kim

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Anoymous says August 15, 2017

Been married 29 years. Finally separated for one year. Mind games have begun. Never before was I nothing but a wife, mother, maid and put myself through college while working and raising two kids. Nothing has ever been enough. Always doing what I was suppose to. One kid went off to college, graduated, other one is there currently. I’m pretty much alone, don’t trust anyone, I’d rather be alone than with people. This has happened to me over the years believing I had major faults and people saw all them in me. According to my ex husband. I’m in my 50’s and feel old and my life is over. My kids have always been my world, and now they have their lives. Which I’m very happy for. Since my separation, my ex husband treats me as if I’m the best thing since sliced bread. Keeps my head in a constant state of confusion. In a few weeks I’ll be signing divorce papers, so I guess he continues to think I’m going back. I’ve even told him im never going back to the mental and physical abuse, but he want believe it. Where do I go from here? Thanks.

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    Kim Saeed says August 22, 2017

    Hi Anon,

    The best advice I can give you is to stop having any communications with him. This will allow you to become congruent with your decision to move on and it will also help you begin the grieving process properly. Regarding your divorce, let your attorney handle everything. As long as you are interacting with him, the more guilt and shame that will be triggered, and the harder it will be to begin healing.

    Hope that helps…

    Kim XoXo

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Anonymous says August 14, 2017

Thanks so much for this….I am 6 months NC. Trying to stay strong! Being involved with the NARC was an absolute NIGHTMARE!!! The mind games were the worse. Thanking God I am healing….I WILL NEVER EVER ALLOW THIS TYPE OF PERSON IN MY LIFE AGAIN!

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Andy says August 14, 2017

Kim I don’t post too often but I’m here on your mailing list and I read all your post. Thanks so much for the info.only people who have gone through the experience with the wolf in sheeps clothing can understand.

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Andrew W Prickett says August 13, 2017

Amazing insights, and no it has not answered my why? The content has been a map to me, & understanding as I look back and reflect, where I got so terribly lost. What I don’t understand is why so many of the abusers are men? I am a male that from content to comments and people sharing, can so identify. But what is it about NPD that makes a more primary male disorder? I really strive to learn more there because I am in a custody battle with the most abusive female, & that is my single goal now with my 3 young inpressionabl daughters is to understand so I can fight for this generational replication pattern to get interrupted. Ugh. So much to learn, but just posting here safely helps!

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    Kim Saeed says August 22, 2017

    Hi Andrew,

    After researching narcissistic traits and coaching abused individuals for several years now, I think there are way more narcissistic women milling about than people may realize. It’s just that abused women are more willing to voice their experiences. Luckily, more men are speaking out now. In fact, I just partnered with a great male writer who will be authoring articles on my blog.

    Regarding your children, get yourself a good attorney, maybe a private investigator, and start documenting everything. If she starts neglecting or abusing your children, get CPS involved. But, whatever you do, don’t lay your cards out on the table for her to see.

    Hope that helps.

    Kim

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Pam says August 13, 2017

Comments/advice pls when the N in your life is your 40 year old daughter. Will not allow us access to grandchildren – all under 13 years. It’s been 2 years, mostly no communication but she does allow gifts for kids but children can’t respond to thank us. We send them anyway bday and Christmas. We’re so devastated but trying to carry on

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Anonymous says August 13, 2017

thanks, I have been healing now for over a year from a 9 year relationship with a narcissistic abuser.It is hard because he destroyed the inner core of me, but I am much happier now he is not in my life, and I am slowly starting to believe in myself, but I know it will take time and I am taking one day at a time.but your words and writings are a life line for me as it took me years and years to realise what he was. thank you

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Susan Jervis says August 12, 2017

Thank you for sharing this, I don’t feel I will ever recover from what my ex has done to me and continues to do to me, my family and my friends. He’s the most horrible person on earth. He continues to defame my character and lie about me. I have a restraining order on him that he continuously violates. He’s the biggest PIG on earth

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    Deanna says December 21, 2017

    I was married to an for 22 years and got away over 15 years ago. He trashed me to everyone – friends, my family, my coworkers etc. One day a man who had been in a snowmobile club 15 years earlier with us ran in to me and I just said Well you might have heard that R and I have gotten divorced. This man who had not seen either of us for 15 years so I know – he came to see us and told us all about you. And he gave me this really sleazy smirk and something in me just snapped and I said “You know what? Everything he says about is true – lying, cheating whore – that’s me! He busted out laughing and said Well you must be having a really great time then! I knew that eventually people would figure out it was not me. Took awhile but it did happen! Hang in there.

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Anonymous says August 12, 2017

Wow wow wow. So much wow I forwarded to my mom because this is everything I have said over the last year. It has been difficult to articulate what I have gone through to my family and friends. They think I should be skipping in the opposite direction and proud of myself that I figured it out so quickly but I never experienced that. They all just thought he was a jerk. One year since I left and I am moving ahead (new apt too 😉 but there is still so much I need to come to peace with. Thank you for being there for us. Epidemic? Maybe that can be your next article. Thx!

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    Kim Saeed says August 12, 2017

    Glad to know my article resonated with you, Anon. Sending light and healing vibes your way.

    Kim XoXo

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Andrea says August 12, 2017

I’m stuck in the Why. I don’t even know how I got here. For years I’ve hated him & battled him to leave me alone. When I found out he got married, I was devastated. I found myself wanting him back? He came running to me April of this year, crying about the worst mistake he’s ever made, begging for his family back. Foolishly, I allowed it. And the games began. He’s so disgusting. There’s no end to how low he will go. Painting me out to be the problem to her & vise versa. I’m currently on day 6 of no contact. Again. I’m so full of anger & hate. I don’t go looking for him but both him & his crazy wife show up at my house when they have drama. From April til 6 days ago, all this chaos has been going on. I’ve gotten to the point of calling police. I want it all to end for good. I’m tired of being angry & consumed by why. I just want myself back…

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    Kim Saeed says August 12, 2017

    Hi Andrea,

    Sorry for what you’re going through. I don’t know anything about your living arrangements, but you might consider putting up No Trespassing signs and continue to call the police. If that isn’t working, try getting an attorney to write a cease and desist letter. You’re not the ‘Grand Central Station’ of their problems. Build that fortress around your home and your life.

    The ‘Why’ is hard to let go of, for sure. If it would help, I have a section on Acceptance and Letting go of the ‘Why’ in my course. Here’s the link if you’d like to check it out: http://courses.letmereach.com/p/the-essential-no-contact-accelerator-course

    Wishing you all the best.

    Kim XoXo

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Dawn says August 12, 2017

Thanks ya I tried to take my kids out of the toxic environment but he has twisted everything thr past 4 years since I left him that I’m th abuser and lost the kids . My life is nothing my children now are trapped org their dad and nothing I can do. I really want to talk to you I need support I need help in my life. No one believes me this Is painful nowing he’s slowly hurting our kids brain. I can’t take it. I am suffering cry all the time. How do I get my kids back with me. ??????

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    Leslie Crowell-powell says August 12, 2017

    Did you go to court ?

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    Anonymous says August 13, 2017

    Dawn, go on facebook, and look up ‘protective mothers alliance’. what your ex did is typical.

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Nan Williams says August 12, 2017

Kim,

I agree with no contact up to a point, but I attract one after another of these types.

Instead of run away run away, you have to sit down and figure out what to do.

I am living with a roommate right now who is a narcissist. I am using Catherine Pratt’s approach and I feel so much better. She calls them Blamers. My term for them is not nearly as polite.

Will I go no contact at the end of November? You bet! But for now I have to survive and learn how to deal. Learn not to be empathic with these sorts, only sympathetic and don’t get dragged into their dramas. Will people believe their lies about you? Of course. You get to see who hangs in their for you.

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    Kim Saeed says August 12, 2017

    Hi Nan,

    Thanks for stopping by! I don’t know anything about Catherine or her work, but there are times, for sure, when you have to plan an escape when not able to leave immediately. Her approach sounds like it would work in that case…however, I believe if we have the ability, we should never keep ourselves in toxic environments. I believe we should do what we can to create a safe space for ourselves and work on boundaries so that we don’t keep people like that in our lives. There’s too much joy to be found in life in place of staying in toxic relationships, romantic or otherwise.

    Wishing you all the best and thanks for your comment!

    Kim XoXo

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Shirley says August 11, 2017

Thanks again for sharing this insightful article on why narc abuse hurts so bad and it is really your worst nightmare. Unless you have experienced it, you will never get it. It is soul crushing and a spiritual knockout!

Going NC is the best thing to do when the FOG has finally lifted and you can see this swine for what it is.

To new beginning and new life, laughter, dancing and real, true love.

I won’t give up until love finds me.

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    Kim Saeed says August 12, 2017

    Hi Shirley!

    It’s great to see you here! I have found that when you learn to love yourself, you then automatically attract the best relationships, romantic and otherwise. I could hardly believe it when it happened for me like that. Wishing the same for you 🙂

    Kim XoXo

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Phyllis says August 11, 2017

I am coming to the end of year 3, post divorce and barely surviving after 24 years of insanity, chaos, gaslighting, love bombing, blame, shame, crazymaking. I am lost, sad and emotionally exhausted. I have absolutely no interest in dating, sex, intimacy of any kind. I trust no one. Not even girlfriends. Ive cut myself off from the whole world. Its actually a miracle that I get up in the morning and go to work. I often feel that there is no point to continue breathing. What for? My children are grown. My youngest is starting college in the fall. Everything i lived for, the meaning of my life, has been stripped away. I am no longer a wife, their are no children to take care of, and Im old. I didnt even know time was passing by. I saw myself through His eyes. Now, there is no reflection in the mirror. Please Kim, this is not meant to offend, but I’m not interested in spending the little money i have on bootcamp. Frankly, im not interested in anything. My main focus is to get my son prepared for his first year of college. Then i want to sleep for the rest of my life.

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    Kim Saeed says August 12, 2017

    Hi Phyllis,

    I am sorry for what you’re experiencing. All of us fill many roles in life, for sure. Mother, Father, Partner, Sibling, Friend, Colleague, etc. However, the most important relationship of all is the one we have with ourselves. Our identity should not rest on the roles I just mentioned, even though most of them are very important. I hope you make that a mission now that you will have the free time to do so.

    Sending light and healing thoughts your way…

    Kim XoXo

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    Nicole says August 13, 2017

    Hi Phyllis,

    You are getting yourself out of bed every day and going to work. You survived 24 years with a man who tried to destroy you. You are still here Phyllis 😉 There is a strength within you that wants the best for you. You are a Mum and this is something to be proud of, no matter what stage of adulthood your children are at.
    This is hard there is no doubting about it- but you CAN survive this, you can define yourself away from shame and negativity. I have also largely self isolated after narcissistic abuse. Its okay to want time to yourself to heal. Yesterday I saw a man on a train who was at a (hideously cliquey and cheap) school reunion where I drank too much and said (didn’t do fortunately!) some cheeky things. It was 17 years ago and the toxic shame almost overwhelmed me, even though he was nonplussed about it.
    I got home and thought that I couldn’t go on.
    Reality check, yes I can go on and yes so can you. Our lives don’t have to be defined by the unkindness of others. Be kind to yourself, you were a person before the relationship with this man and before you had children and your character is still inside you.
    I am surely no expert but Phyllis you are a trooper and remember ‘Thoughts DO NOT equal feelings’ They are two different things. Just because you think something bad/negative doesn’t make it true.
    One more thing, forget about age defining beauty. The most gorgeous lady I ever saw was in her 90’s and she glowed from inner peace. You can too X Nicole

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    Anonymous says August 15, 2017

    29 years of what sounds like my life. One getting married and one off at college. Home alone seems good but old and feel like my life has passed me by. I could easily get

    depressed if i didn’t keep my mind busy. 29 years of mind games. I’m tired and have no clue where I’m heading or what I’m suppose to do next. Thanks for your post, don’t feel so a lone.

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    jewlz says September 6, 2017

    This is me EXACTLY. ?

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Catherine Miller says August 11, 2017

It has been eight years since I finally left my long-term relationship with a narcissist. I am just beginning to discover who I am and gain self-confidence. I spent way too long in the relationship and wasted so many years believing the lies he told me about myself. I find your articles so helpful. Things get better, it takes time!

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    Kim Saeed says August 12, 2017

    Thank you, Catherine. I am so glad to know my work is helping you in your healing journey 🙂

    Hugs, Kim XoXo

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    Anonymous says August 12, 2017

    Its a higher calling to find yourself and love yourself more- its an arduous journey but that was the purpose…

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Kyle says August 11, 2017

I am working on healing and get why this hurts so badly. Doing yoga, meditation, no contact. All of these things are helping. Need advice on what to do during those times I can’t get off the couch. As you state stop researching Narcissist abuse, move forward. Looking for positive advice, understand the past. K

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Hoe Wozniak says August 11, 2017

How I so identify with all you are saying. How it all seems so hopeless at times but Spirituality has kept me going as I realize that God loves me and will help me through all this pain and the damage my X has done and IS doing to me. He destroyed me also financially to keep me dependent on him so I am dealing with how I can be financially independent when 76 and have limited mobility due to heath issues. I desperately need help right now. But my soul is still intact and I am trying to figure out ways to be dependent from him or what to do from keeping off the street if he does not support me next month since I refused to talk to him or see him.

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Issy says August 11, 2017

Its gonna be 2 years now , but I still fear to meet him and we live in the same village , I still asking myself why ? He left me for someone else , they together over 2 Years now, so perhaps he Have changed for her …….

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    Kim Saeed says August 12, 2017

    Hi Issy,

    Don’t know anything about your situation, so can’t say for sure…but if you believe your Ex to be a narcissist, then no…he hasn’t changed for her. If your Ex is a narcissist, then everything you see is an illusion.

    Wishing you all the best!

    Kim XoXo

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Michele says August 11, 2017

Brilliant article! Thank you so much! I’ve completed my bootcamp and cannot thank you enough. This article….wow. WOW on so many levels. Thank you for being you and for telling it like it is and sharing so much of you! Some of us would have never had the strength without you. 🙂

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Carl says August 11, 2017

Well stated. I am four months out and the fog is starting to clear, but now I am discovering health issues that were brought on by all the stress and anxiety. And the insomnia and depression continue, as well as the constant fear of running into this person and having the scabs picked off. This hell never ends, it seems.

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    Kim Saeed says August 11, 2017

    Carl,

    It feels that way for sure, in the beginning. It does take a while to heal, but only the human spirit can consciously change itself; it is the only thing in all creation that is not entirely at the mercy of forces outside of itself, and it is, therefore, the most powerful and valuable form of energy in the world.

    Kim XoXo

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      Isabwl says August 11, 2017

      It is in the believing and the buying into their gaslighting manipulation attempts that damages the self and of course, if there is physical abuse. I never bought into mine but was able to see from afar.. it was about him. No bearing on my self worth- still it was painful and all his attempts to re- contact andcteconnevt ober the next 2-1/2 years . I did not always hold my ground and guess
      Gave in to seeing him when i agoukd have initiated No contactcftom the start. Still a valuable lessonnin self love❤️

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Anonymous says August 11, 2017

My ex husband was one of those, I went through it for 20 yrs, I’ve been divorced now for 10 yrs and sometimes it’s still painful, but now I’m free I’m free to be the person God created me to be thank you for letting me share ?

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    Kim Saeed says August 11, 2017

    Hi Anon,

    I’m sorry to learn you’re still experiencing emotional pain after so long. Have you experimented with any healing methods or programs?

    Glad you have found your freedom, however.

    Kim <3

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Jena says August 11, 2017

Thank you Kim for understanding what I’m going through. I’m sorry that you had to go through it. But, the tools that I am learning from you are making me a stronger person rather than an empty soul. I am continuing to work on regaining myself worth and strength not only for myself but my daughter as well. So thank you. ?

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    Kim Saeed says August 11, 2017

    What a sweet comment, Jena. Thank you for your kind praise. Wishing you and your daughter all the best as you continue healing.

    Kim XoXo

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