8 ‘Nope’ Scenarios for Maintaining No Contact

By Kim Saeed | Living Joyfully after No Contact

Oct 05
nope not today

A troubling thought, isn’t it?

You’ve implemented No Contact, but you can’t help wondering when and how the narcissist will spring up out of nowhere.

Not only are you constantly looking over your shoulder, you’re still checking your phone every 17 seconds because you can’t remember if you blocked or unblocked and you obsess over whether they’ll call from an unknown number…

And secretly you hope they will call from an unknown number because that would give you a chance to give them a piece of your mind which, if we’re honest, will achieve squat and keep you struggling against the reality of their being a dysfunctional nitwit with no chance of redemption.

So, you go to your trusty source, the internet.  You search articles and videos about No Contact, and before you know it, you’ve wasted hours of your precious time and you’re in a semi-coma because all the articles and videos incite mass hysteria and use thousands of words to bleat on and on about the toxicity of narcissists (no duh, right?) and push all your trauma triggers when you just wanted some practical steps.

Seriously.  Can’t the “How To” articles just give you the information you want without your having to wade through the swamp of negativity, where you end up having to pop Xanax and ultimately don’t care anymore whether the narcissist contacts you or not?

After a while, you stop giving a crap.  You’ve seen it all before.  The articles and videos aren’t offering anything new.  And you don’t have the answers you’re looking for.

Until now.

Here’s a practical, no-drama, non-trigger approach to implementing and maintaining No Contact, using the eight most common scenarios where narcissists try to bust a move and make you break it.

The “Nope” Approach

1 – The Narcissist shows up unannounced and uninvited to your home. 

You don’t answer when they knock.  After a while, they’re still loitering and you consider calling the cops.  Unsurprisingly, they walk over to the blinds and help themselves to a peek inside:

NOPE!

2 – You’re minding your own business at the local Panera when the narcissist coincidentally shows up out of nowhere.  (Never mind they always hated Panera).

They walk over uninvited to your table.

NOPE!

3 – You successfully make it to your vehicle without incident after shopping at the local co-op, when the narcissist suddenly appears at your car window.

NOPE!

4 – You decide to take a weekend vacay near that lake you love so much. 

As you’re out strolling before sunrise, the narcissist shockingly appears behind you, calling your name and pretending that a divine intervention brought the two of you to the same spot.  (Can you say “SPYWARE”?)

5 – The narcissist shows up to your child’s school for the holiday play. 

…like, for the first time.  Ever.  Your child is now in 5th grade.

NOPE!

6 – During your mediation for child custody arrangements, the narcissist says they need access to “call your child” 24/7 and want it put in writing that you must abide by their wish to Facetime or Skype whenever it’s convenient for them…you know, on account of their busy schedule or the fact they decided to skip town to live with their new supply.

NOPE!

7 – The narcissist sends a flying monkey over during the holiday season to persuade you into giving the narc another chance.  After all, the holidays are all about reunion and forgiveness, right?

Not when narcissists are involved!

8 – Your Ex made a key to your apartment without your knowledge and pops in unannounced. 

The first line of action is to flee the scene before contacting an attorney.

There you have it.  You can read other articles and watch other videos, and you’ll hear the same story. Over and over and over again.

It’s not their fault. I mean, there’s really only so much you can say about narcissists and no contact.

And if you’ve made a few mistakes before reading this article, that’s okay.  Take your licks, do your best to learn from them, and never, ever lose faith in yourself.

You really can do this.

Copyright 2017 Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach

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About the Author

Kim Saeed is a narcissistic abuse recovery expert on a mission to help abuse survivors to heal, find purpose, and live joyfully after No Contact. She also hosts a podcast called Heal, Grow, Evolve, where she aims to help people create meaningful lives and relationships after emotional abuse. Listen and subscribe at www.healgrowevolvewithkim.com

Leave a Comment:

(24) comments

Sherry Boxer October 5, 2017

HAHAHA Visuals made me smile! I was 1.5 years into divorce hell, had moved out, and didn’t know about Narcopath abuse! I actually found something Ms Kim did on podcast.

“WE HAVE KIDS! I can’t do NO CONTACT” Besides, there were times ex was pleasant – the fond memories would flood back… I would then think “maybe he’s human after all…” BIG BIG MISTAKE. The drunken texting rants from him, the gossip he was still spreading around our tiny town, the heated divorce/custody battle… Finally, after seeing #NoCONTACT & #Grayrock many times, I decided to try it. Takes lots of practice, times slipping into charms or baited texts. Each encounter, got little easier. Even when he would TRY, I kept distance. I was afraid of being rude and making things worse- uh believe me, it was already hostile!

No Contact gave ME time to grieve and not fall into old traps. I stopped checking his FB (though slowed when figured out I knew passwords -email too!) it was suddenly SO EASY BEING NO CONTACT! I began to see- he wasn’t all powerful Oz that could destroy me. Sure, many his attempts were vicious & came out of no where. I went on “lock down” where if someone said, “you have to talk to him about this,” I didn’t argue w person. I didn’t feel as crazy defending my 110mph run of adrenaline Bc triggered. Instead, ppl that brought up questions or what I should do, they went on mini no contact list. As I write this, I realize, THIS WAS WHEN TRUE DEEP HEALING BEGAN.

I had gone no contact with my parents early in divorce; my mother being lead flying monkey doing deposition against me. Ah! That was really hard and whole ‘nother enchalada! BUT when sense family lying or just triggered, it’s SO EASY GOING NO CONTACT!

It’s sad to say this, but all too true; too many people don’t know about narcopath abuse; the system from court to even own judges will revictimize. It’s an awful feeling when others minimize or -skew of behaviors- when feel like escaped some prison camp! “You need to move on” “If you would JUST XYZ then wouldn’t be stuck” these phrases I see as flags. The only thing can truly count on to protect from abuse- (excluding awesome support via Twitter& group there & few trusted friends) ITS EMPOWERING

It works with kids too, texting only about child issues. My girls now know about “boundaries” which is BEST outcome & unexpected

You can’t win against a narcopath! No matter how clever one is, just, or strong. Only one way can deal w narcopaths- THATS NOT TO DEAL AT ALL. It’s a secret weapon really; and Narc will push every way can When in NoContact. It’s the only way to have them still in life (kids) It’s hard as hell at first, but now, I also have healthy boundaries in all aspects of life! I feel like “BOUNDARIES I HAVE KNOWN OF YOU-WHERE YA BEEN ALL MY LIFE!

Reply
    Kim Saeed October 6, 2017

    Hi Sherry~ Glad you liked the article. It was a lot of fun writing it 🙂

    Yes, boundaries are the bomb-diggity. Once I finally realized the power of boundaries and actually implemented them, life became so much easier. I share a son with my ex, too, but extreme modified contact has worked like a charm.

    Reply
Jennifer October 5, 2017

Spyware was the biggest for me. I had to factory reprogram my phone right before leaving. I moved to a motel for a week, I’m sure his tracking device in car uncharted by then. I then changed my phone number.

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    Kim Saeed October 6, 2017

    Hi Jennifer,

    Yeah, I had the whole spyware thing to deal with, too. I change my cell phone number once a year just to be on the safe side.

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
Anonymous October 5, 2017

This was soooooooooooo Great!!!

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    Kim Saeed October 6, 2017

    Thanks, Anon! 🙂 Glad to know you liked it!

    Reply
Cindy October 5, 2017

I’ve been getting upstate NY calls listening to my voice. One of them I texted and said someone is using your phone, when you aren’t looking, to stalk me. If it is DAL please don’t allow him to do that anymore.
No more calls from that number.

Reply
    Kim Saeed October 6, 2017

    Hi Cindy,

    Sounds like you put a stop to those shenanigans! Kudos!

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
Anonymous October 5, 2017

Love this, I left my ex husband ( a narcissist) ten years ago, after being with him for 20 yrs, , and not even once did he ask about our two children not once , my son is grown and on his own, my daughter is in 10th grade ( a straight A ) student it gives me so much peace, that he was not in my children’s lives, , ok I’m done rambling now 😊

Reply
    Kim Saeed October 6, 2017

    Hi Anon,

    Yes, you can tell a lot about a person by the way they leave, and also whether they step up for their children. His actions say it all…but, it’s always best for us and our children, so little does he know what a gift he gave for staying out of your lives.

    Kim

    Reply
Rosie October 5, 2017

Haha! Love this article and the little videos that correspond with it. 😄

Reply
    Kim Saeed October 6, 2017

    Hi Rosie,

    Glad I could give you a little chuckle 🙂

    Kim

    Reply
Julie Smith October 5, 2017

I’ve got most of that covered as I have a lifetime protection order IVO in place which in AU means he is never allowed to come within 200 meters of me, where I live or work, is not allowed to contact me by phone, email or through a third party. The only time he can speak to me is during mediation with lawyers. I have one coming up regarding property settlement on 1 Nov which makes me a bit nervous. Luckily we don’t have kids together so once this is done I’m free for good. I don’t answer any blocked calls and am wary about any numbers I don’t know. Sometimes I answer the calls with numbers showing but most of the time feel too nervous. At some stage I have to get over this especially as I’m normally self employed so need to answer the phone. At the moment I’m not working due to injuries he caused.

He assaulted & strangled me in Feb last year and has left me injured for life with serious neck injuries. He also threatened & abused me over a long period of time which resulted in me now having PTSD.

Yes he was charged by police and we’ve just finished the court side of things fit the assault. He didn’t get much of a punishment just a $1000 fine and a criminal record. The court system here is a disgrace.

As someone said to me today I could write a book about this. I can’t believe at my age and with everything I did for him I’ve ended up in this situation.

The only positive out of this is I am restructuring my business to help women in these situations. I’m normally a finance broker and financial planner but I’m also studying life coaching & NLP.

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Melinda October 5, 2017

I took your advice and went no/limited contact since we have small kids and I’m forced to “coparent” with him. No Contact allowed me much peace, until he got more and more upset that I didn’t respond to his calls, texts, and e-mails. (He’d call as much as 29 times in one night saying he was trying to reach our kids.) And I’d ignore his e-mails through Our Family Wizard, most of which were abusive. Anyway, he then filed multiple court motions against me – forcing me to spend thousands this year alone to defend myself. Kim, what do you recommend we do when No Contact makes Narc go off the deep end and drag us to court for attention? The Narcs get their supply one way or another, it seems.

Reply
    Kim Saeed October 6, 2017

    Hi Melinda,

    I had to go through that, too. When the ex lost his control over my life after I filed a restraining order, he then harrassed me through the court system. Every other day I’d come home and there was a new summons or court order taped to my front door. I didn’t back down, though. I kept very detailed records of everything and he made an ass of himself in court. The Judge saw right through his games.

    Your best bet would be to visit a local domestic violence center and tell them about your situation. My court advocate helped my case immensely.

    Kim

    Reply
Candyce October 5, 2017

Okay…It’s been 3 1/2 years ago since I walked out of his life for GOOD! He’s made his appearances in places where he KNOWS I am. I have not. I have avoided him like the plague. Blocked him from facebook. Blocked his phone number then and just recently again because caller ID said he tried to call me and when he left a note on my car while I was at the YMCA working out, I asked my brother to call him and go pick up my things that he so desperately wanted me to have back! After all this time…3 1/2 years… all of a sudden I go to my mailbox the other day and there is an envelope. I know his writing because we were together for 10 years. It has a stamp on it, but I can tell that he dropped it off in my mailbox. He did not mail it. (No postmark) Guess he thinks I’m dumb. The envelope is big like a card and it feels like it has a CD in it. Part of me wants to open it. The other part wants me to send it back to him. I know what my head says…but why am I even considering opening it??? (pity?) I thought I was over this crap. Why do I let him do this to me?? Maybe I am not over him like I thought! What does it take!!!

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    avesraggiana October 5, 2017

    The first thing you need to do is lighten up on yourself. He sent you a package and at the very least, it’s a violation of your boundaries. I wouldn’t be upset, not in the least, but annoyed.

    If I were you, I’d send it back unopened because it seems from your writing, you’ve been triggered. You could always throw it away and leave him wondering if you ever opened it, but that might just invite more snooping on his part.

    The only state of mind you could possibly be in that would allow you to open that package is COMPLETE INDIFFERENCE.

    Is that where you are right now? Can you manage the possible emotional fall out from opening this package of possible-kryptonitye? Be honest. With yourself.

    Reply
    Rosie October 5, 2017

    I received a birthday card from the ex back in May, after 14 months of no contact ( on my part). I took it right back to the post office and had it stamped “Return To Sender”. I also asked that it be stamped ” Not At This Address” which the post office lady was kind enough to do. I have to tell you, it sure gave me a whole lot of satisfaction to have that card returned to NarcLand!

    Reply
    Bliss October 5, 2017

    I think sending it back to him will give him some indication that you acknowledge him. I would discard ( chose to open or not) and not even let him know by any means if you got it or didn’t, if you opened it or didn’t, mum is the word! Leave him guessing…

    Reply
Shirley Akpelu October 5, 2017

Love this article kim. Keep up the good work. Lol.

Reply
    Kim Saeed October 6, 2017

    Hi Shirley!

    Glad you liked it! It was a lot of fun doing something different 🙂

    Hugs,

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
NO contact Warrior October 5, 2017

Out the window I go! lol

Thank you for the constant support! I always appreciate what you do ! 🙂

Reply
    Kim Saeed October 6, 2017

    Ha ha! I liked that one, too 😀

    Glad to give you a little encouragement, NC Warrior 🙂

    Kim

    Reply
avesraggiana October 5, 2017

And, after a while, you’ll know that NO CONTACT has really worked because if by some quirky bend in the universe they do show up in your world, you don’t care.

Don’t care. Zip. Nada. Don’t care.

This is the ultimate triumph of all. When running into them causes emotional charge at all, except, maybe, pity.

Reply
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