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Dating for Abuse Survivors

On a Dating Site? One of the Top Ways to Avoid Users Online

One question I see floating around on the internet is, “I am on ABC dating site and this guy or gal I just connected with is asking for a full-length body shot.  What should I do?  I don’t want to come across as a prude. Should I go ahead and send them additional, full frontal photos of myself?

Safe Dating for Abuse Survivors

In this era of online dating, it’s important to prepare yourself in a way that helps you avoid manipulators, scammers, schemers, and narcissists.  As such, the one thing you SHOULD be doing is coming across as a prude.  Here’s why…

Generally speaking, there are two main red flags waving when someone you have met online is asking you for a full-length body shot.

1 – It’s an indicator that they have absolutely no interest in your personality or you as a human being

Anyone on the dating sites who asks for a full body shot objectifies people and is forming an opinion about you in the same way they would when scouring the store shelves for a pack of gum.

This is not the request of a high-caliber individual, regardless of what their profile might suggest. 

Here’s the truth… even the most degenerate, useless, and pathetic person can intuitively feel when a dating prospect is showing up with low confidence and is a little too happy to go along with things just to appear agreeable.  

They can sense it from the words you use in your profile and your actions, like sending photos when you already have some on your profile.

People who want full body shots also tend to watch a lot of pornography and they will compare you to the people they’re looking at on porn sites. 

Even if it’s someone you’ve been dating a few months that you met online, don’t fall into a false sense of security and send them additional or risqué photos of yourself.  Why? 

Because this is what often happens…when the relationship sours, they may threaten to set up fake social media profiles of you and post your intimate photos. 

Sometimes, this isn’t a threat.  Sometimes, it happens. 

Or, they may send the photos to your circle of friends whom you introduced them to….perhaps even the people at the company where you’re employed.

Yes, this is a thing and you’re not the possible exception. 

And guess what?  They’re asking for full body shots from lots of other people on the sites, too. 

Their asking you for full body photos does not in any way imply they are interested in you or interested in forming a long-term relationship with you…if they really want to know what you’re like, that’s what dates are for. 

And just for the record, a coffee date is okay once or twice, but if all you’re doing is meeting for coffee, it’s another red flag because it usually means a) they can’t meet you at night because they’ve made plans with other people, or b) they are only interested in hooking up with you and the coffee date is an easy cover for feigning interest in you.

Please don’t be ‘Coffee Date” person.

(Watch the video below):

2 -Sending someone a full body shot is a REALLY personal thing, even if you’re wearing clothes

Narcissists (and other manipulators) ask for full body shots because it is their way of seeing if you’re willing to send them something personal when you barely know them.

People who are confident in themselves and have healthy boundaries generally tell these schmucks to take a hike instead of agreeing to send a full body shot to someone they don’t know.

Sending a full-length photo may seem harmless, but you’re analyzing it from your own point of view.  You’re nice and agreeable, right?  But this is what predators are looking for online – nice, agreeable people. 

Narcissists make this request because it’s their way of testing boundaries to see if you’ll take the bait.  In a narcissist’s mind, if you send a full body shot to someone you’ve just met, it means you are a little eager for approval and it gives them the green light to pursue you as a source of narcissistic supply. 

This is not to say that if you already have full-length photos of yourself online that you should rush to take them down.  Just make sure they’re classy and up-to-date.  E.g., you may like that photo of yourself in a bikini at the Bahamas, but it’s not the best choice for an online dating site because these are the photos predators are scouring the site for.

And if you DO have a full-length photo on your profile and someone asks you to send them more, this is your signal to delete and block them.

Please understand that even if it feels like you’ve made a sincere connection with someone online, the minute they ask for a full body shot, you should consider this a scammer in disguise, especially if you haven’t met them in person…and even if you have, don’t give in to the fantasy that you guys will retire together and tell romantic stories to your grandchildren…and then start sending full body photos all willy-nilly. 

This will not play out in real life like you’re imagining it in your mind.

So there’s the answer to your question…should you send full-body shots to that person online.

Unless, of course, you’re totally down with a no-strings-attached hookup, because that’s all you’re going to get from that online schmuck who asks for full body shots from you. 

Read:  Discover Your Attachment Style and Enrich Your Romantic Life

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3 comments
Kevin says May 7, 2018

I look forward to all of your emails , and appreciate the help i have received. This is the only one that leaves me scratching my head. As someone who has tried online dating on and off , I would say that yes, these are valid reasons, and should be looked at and considerwd. However , women also ask for full body shots, and often times people are hiding what they look like. I have zero desire for a booty call as this article states. Nor do I objectify or view porn. The problem with online dating is it is used to put your best foot forward, and often this is done with some deception , whether on purpose or by accident . And to build an emotional attachment before meeting. If you plan on meeting someone in person and have good intentions, why not just have a shot of who you are upfront, with friends or whatever. Any thing else seems deceptive , and i have heard and seen it all , from old photos to touch ups and on and on. Save time since you are taking the bold step of putting yourself out there anyway. How about making it so people don’t have to ask for what you look like in the first place. Since this is not an organic way of meeting someone, I think it’s fair to show what we look like , and honest.

Reply
    Kim Saeed says May 10, 2018

    Hi Kevin,

    Thank you for stopping by and commenting.

    The article was really meant more as a ‘proceed with caution’. There are a lot of good people on dating sites, but unfortunately, they’re not meeting up with other good people, they’re being targeted by users and abusers.

    I think everyone should have one respectable full-length photo on their profile, but what I’ve seen over and over is abuse survivors being targeted by manipulators and being asked to give more photos of themselves, which the survivor goes along with. Before they know it, they’re caught up in another toxic relationship.

    The persona I wrote about is more the narcissistic manipulator…and they sign up to the free dating sites in DROVES. There truly is risk involved when you sign up for any dating site, but especially the free ones.

    Too, if you’ve been chatting with someone a while and the two of you decide to meet, it does kind of put a weird vibe on the situation if you ask for a full-length photo before meeting, but at the same time, if you don’t you may end up meeting someone who isn’t your cup of tea. So, either way, there is going to be awkwardness involved.

    Obviously, the article doesn’t describe all people who are on dating sites, but since my audience is generally trying to avoid being tricked into another toxic relationship, my articles are more geared toward what to look out for.

    Hope that helps! 🙂

    Kim

    Reply
Suzi says May 6, 2018

Thanks for today’s blog. Having been no contact for several years and been able to shake off a few more narcissists since, it’s nice to get these articles. Your reminder to review your profile from the eyes of a narcissist or pervert is so valuable. … My gauge is, if I’m asking the question “Should I?” Then the answer is usually”NO!”. Follow your instincts and value yourself… that’s my mantra these days! Thanks again for all you do!

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