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The Sad Truth About Why the Narcissist Seems to Hate You, But Won’t Let You Go Easily

Being the target of narcissistic hatred is the most confusing experience you’ll have in your life.  It’s wrought with ironies, opposites, and sleight of hand. 

Just when you think you’ve come out of the nightmare, you wake up in the middle of another one and there doesn’t seem to be any relief in sight.

It’s absolutely soul-shattering to give your all to the narcissist and feel like you’ve finally made some progress in getting through to them, only for them to smack you down with the most hateful, scathing episode to date.

It’s as though they truly hate you down to the core of your soul.  As if they can barely stand to be in the same room with you or breathing the same air as you…and they probably have told you this in so many words, but you are so traumatized by the sheer spite in their voice during these episodes, you have a hard time remembering everything they said.

The irony is that just when things seem to be truly over, and you’ve accepted in your heart and soul that it’s time to move on, the narcissist changes back to being seemingly nice, perhaps even affectionate.

It’s so utterly confusing.  Why do they do this?  Are they a tortured soul who is so wounded that they just can’t help it?  Is there anything at all you can do to speak to the wounded inner self the narcissist appears to hide, buried deep within them?

As a person who loves the narcissist, it’s usually easier to believe they have no control over these conflicting behaviors.  We can identify with what we believe is their inner pain…but this is a story we tell ourselves.  A story which keeps us enmeshed with them in a tempestuous cycle of insane highs and lows that ultimately depletes us of our very soul.

There is a reason they do this, but it’s hard to digest.  Sometimes, though, we need the truth because it’s the one thing that can finally set us free.

(watch the video here)

The Sad Truth About Narcissistic Hatred

The reason you’ve found yourself the target of narcissistic hatred is that they view love as a weakness and consequently, it repulses them. 

But, at the same time, it allows them to extract copious amounts of narcissistic supply. This is why they seem to hate you but won’t let you go easily. 

The narcissist views you as a feeble underling; one which provides them with wonderful supply.  So, though they couldn’t care less about you as a person, they don’t want to give up the fringe benefits that go along with engaging in a relationship with you…albeit it a torturous one.

They won’t let you go because you are providing them with the things they need to survive as a narcissist.  These things may consist of money, housekeeping, taking over the responsibility for their adult obligations, cleaning up their many messes, staying with them while they carry on affairs, and providing them a convenient receptacle for when they need to vent all their pent-up negative energies and rage onto someone. 

Therefore, it does no good for you to show your vulnerability to the narcissist and, further, why they seem to dislike you even more when you show your very human emotions. 

They want the benefits without all the damage control.  They want you to just be quiet about it all and go back to the person you were before you discovered who they really are.

This is why, when you try to make them see how they’re hurting you, it is utterly pointless.  In fact, it’s during these moments you see into the true core of the narcissist’s personality…and it’s chilling.

Nonetheless, in your mind, you love them and have bonded with them, and so you try to humanize them, believing they must think and feel the same way you do, but just have a hard time showing it.

This is not the case. 

They are nothing like you and no amount of unconditional love will change this fact.  When we insist on believing the narcissist is like us, we are creating a story in our minds, writing the screenplay as we go along, thinking that with enough love and compassion, we will finally break through to the narcissist’s wounded self. 

This will never happen and it’s important to accept this painful truth.

Narcissists love to blame other people for their nasty behaviors.  In turn, you may respond by being more supportive, understanding, kind, or compromising in an effort to persuade the narcissist to halt their betrayals and cruelties.

Instead, what happens is, patterns of deception and denial are established.  This may be to avoid the narcissist’s wrath or keep the peace, proving to the narcissist you’re not the crazy psycho they say you are but, underneath the surface, it’s a budding system of enabling. 

A system the narcissist fabricates from the very start. 

The Truth About When Things Seem Normal

It’s vital to understand that when the narcissist is being nice, it’s an integrated part of the abuse.  A reward, if you will, for sweeping their last attack under the rug and going back to your agreeable self.  The one who will smile at them while they carry on with their normal deplorable behaviors as though everything is on the up and up.  

Additionally, they understand that if they give you a glimpse of the person they pretended to be when you first met, you will do everything in your power to keep the golden illusion alive…the illusion that things can be like they were before. 

This is how trauma bonds become stronger over time.

If you go along with this mirage, you’ll be like the legendary solitary traveler who believes they’ve found water in the desert, only to find they’ve traveled deeper into the middle of nowhere with nothing around them to sustain life.

Copyright 2018 Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach, LLC

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20 comments
theresa stolzenbach says June 28, 2018

I’ve been reading this and realize that most of us are/have lived each others lives. I have agonized for years, how did I get here? I was strong, independent, tough, and opinionated. Cheerful and giving…and also vulnerable for a predator like him. I didn’t understand how I allowed this stuff to happen….I feel ashamed, humiliated, degraded, disrespected, dehumanized, and depressed. My husband is a monster. I kept trying to keep the peace – walking on eggshells- making excuses – rationalizing. Finally, I get it! I have been systematically and methodically groomed for his deviant behaviours….I am his scapegoat and whipping boy. We had a fight…a bad one, and I nearly swallowed 45 – 200 mg lamictal (Literally in my mouth)…the next day he tried to brow beat me into coming to bed and giving him sex…(not even a remote chance)I’ve been coming here and with everybody speaking up and out….sharing…and caring I was able FINALLY able to understand! So last night I took his hands off of my body…I looked him the eye…said get OFF of me…and when he started to get mad…”what did I do” I said NOTHING…when I was literally ready to die just so I wouldn’t have to hear his voice ever again..he shut off his phone and ignored everyone while my sister and my therapist talked me out of the bathroom. I said you did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Don’t touch me ….I’m good…for the first time in nearly 18 years…I AM good…not great but finally, finally, finally I am GOOD

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Lisa Swansiger says June 5, 2018

I’m having a hard time letting my Narc go because we have an infant child together. He doesn’t love me and probably never will. I have known him for two decades, and during that time, we have always lived separate lives but would come together every so often because of our so called history and love for each other. When i was pregnant with my child, he wasn’t very supportive, but grew to accept the baby. Our child is 9 months old and he has seen him only 3 times. He makes NO effort whatsoever. when i tell him how i feel he should step up, he flies into a rage and berates me. When i tell him i’m going to file for sole custody and get him for child support for our baby, he always says I’m threatening him and flies into a bitter blind rage. I got tired of this and told him to give up his parental rights so my new partner can adopt my child. he happily said yes, he will sign, send him the paperwork and that was it. I sent the paperwork and he said he’ll sign it. This was today. he is being cold and distant and i am drawing the line with him doing this to our child that he cares nothing about. In the past he would always try to “win me back over” by being nice, because he was afraid I would take his son away but now he doesn’t care. I’m tired of the back and forth, tired of his verbal abuse, and i’m tired of him. How can i just move on and forget all about him and move on with my life? he doesn’t care about our child together so am i wrong if i just go full on no contact and block him out of my life? what do i do???

Reply
    Kim Saeed says June 6, 2018

    Hi Lisa,

    I am sorry to learn of your situation. For the sake of brevity, here’s what I can say, based on my interpretation:

    He will never be the caring father you want him to be, so it’s best to let go of that fantasy. Get sole custody of your child. Depending on your financial situation, you may or may not want to apply for child support. (I’ve chosen not to in my own case because it equals more freedom).

    You can go no contact, but don’t do it as a form of punishment thinking he’ll finally see the light, because that will never happen and he will never treat you the way you want to be treated. That’s another fantasy you’ll want to let go of. If you go no contact, you need to do it so that you can get on with your life. Plus, the new guy in your life should be your priority now since it seems he is willing to step up. He deserves your attention and devotion now if he is willing to adopt your child. That means a lot.

    You may want to consider enrollment in my online program, which will help you navigate your first weeks of No Contact and help you through the struggles associated with that: The Essential Break Free Bootcamp

    My advice is get rid of the narcissist, go no contact, and make a new life with your new partner and your child. Let go of the fantasy that the narcissist will finally be better. He won’t.

    Kim

    Reply
Michelle says May 22, 2018

I have been in a relationship for 10 yrs and thank god he sent me to this cuz i have so many health problems now and cant work. Im stuck. No intimacy for 5 yrs. Hes an old narcissist and pro at it. I actually called him that and he didnt scream. I think he knew i finally figured it out. He has been cruel for years. But at least i moved in a different room. Ty again for all this info. Im greatful

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Kelly says May 18, 2018

By far, this is THE BEST article I’ve read about narcissistic abuse! After years away from mine, I now understand the cycle, but unless you’ve lived it, no one else understands or thinks it’s even possible. Thank you for writing something so comprehensive!

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Whitney says May 17, 2018

I so needed to feel validated! And this certainly did just that! I have been losing myself lately trying to understand. I now know I’m not crazy.

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Jamie says May 14, 2018

Oh my….everything written is my story. Struggling to gain some understanding, find my voice & strength and find my way. I feel like there should be a photo of me in the descriptions & stories.

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    Alice says May 15, 2018

    My picture should be here too. For 22 years, I didn’t know what or who I would wake up to. I’ve been divorced for 3 years. Yes, it’s hard, but it’s easier than living with a stranger. You are stronger than you think. You can do it.

    Reply
Judy says May 12, 2018

This is so spot on true! I feel like someone finally understands.

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Debra says May 12, 2018

It took me many years to see this; thank God I finally did! Now divorced from him, I am beginning my journey of healing. X

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Anonymous says May 10, 2018

That described my marriage of 20 years perfectly Kim! I’m so glad I found you 2 years ago just after my separation began. The truth has been painful but so necessary. I was always asking myself, and asking him “How can you love me and treat me this way at the same time?”. I hung on for so long thinking he just didn’t know HOW to express his love.
Sometimes I feel utterly stupid for staying as long as I did. It wasn’t because of the children I stayed, but rather because I thought he would have an epiphany one day realizing how good I was to him. But it was my constant forgiveness that he exploited. My divorce was finally sealed last week and I’m free from his lies, manipulation, betrayals, and emotional rape.

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Sandy says May 10, 2018

Spot on, Kim! I remember telling him “I know you don’t understand how much you’re hurting me, or you wouldn’t keep doing it” and he would give me the most vacant, silent stare back. No sign of comprehension or concern, whatsoever. I wish I had ended it then, rather than try so hard all those years to fix him and then out-smart him at his own game, which ends up with feeling terrible inside for stooping to his same cruel tricks. I learned so much here. I remember feeling utterly crushed, like I couldn’t survive. But I DID survive. It’s been almost four years, and I’m no longer under his spell. I thank God for leading me to this website, Kim. And thank you, Kim, for the huge impact you have on people’s lives through your efforts to educate us about toxic relationships.

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    Laurie says May 31, 2018

    The ‘vacant, silent stare’ – oh reading this gave me chills remembering his face after I desperately explained how I was feeling or trying to untwist his rewritten account of reality, pleading for honesty or fidelity, and nothing but a blank stare void of accountability or humanity! Thank God I’m free.

    Reply
L says May 10, 2018

Very good! Grew up with a narcissistic mother and currently have a narcissistic brother in law and sister in law. The sister in law has reared her ugly head at the moment. It’s amazing how they will come after you and turn the screws behind your back. I am so done with dealing with narcissists. No more contact.

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MONIKA Burczyk says May 10, 2018

great article, as always.
m

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Suzi from sunny Arizona says May 10, 2018

Thanks for today’s article. It reminds us to keep our guard up and why “no contact” is so important!

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M says May 10, 2018

I am so grateful that I found you when I was trying to understand what happened when I was unceremoniously discarded by my husband of 17 years. That discard turned out to be a blessing in disguise for me when I learned about Narcissism. Now I understand the patterns of behaviour I kept wondering and even questioning about. I learned too about myself and the impact of Narcissism in my life. I am now on the road to recovery, painful but liberating. Your articles help me to have that strength to move on.
All the best. Great job you are doing.

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    Kim Saeed says May 10, 2018

    It truly warms my heart to know I’ve helped you along your journey, dear ‘M’. I hope you find the healing and joy you deserve.

    Kim XoXo

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Nomore says May 9, 2018

It’s like reading my life with him….example after example pops into my head and all the pieces come together. Thank you.

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    Kim Saeed says May 10, 2018

    I’m so glad to know you feel validated, NoMore. Wishing you all the best.

    Hugs,

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
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