How We Can Help

All I want is to be a survivor. After years and years of torment and emotional abuse starting from childhood to my soon-to-be divorce, I am tired, and MUST heal. Looking forward to your content. Hugs.

Hope is the last light to go out.

Thank you for sharing your story, taking the time to create and maintain all of this – and for surfacing the problem. As apparently common as it is – I never knew it existed in people, that it had a name – that it wasn’t all me.

I love this blog. It is so helpful.!! Thank you for the blog follow 🙂

At the forgive and pity but NEVER EVER GO BK stage, taken me a long time to get here after allowing myself to enter into a relationship with a narc and almost being completely destroyed by it. I thank this person because I now understand my mums relationship with me was never because of me and I did nothing wrong, she too is a narc and I had to go through this very difficult experience to see that. As a result I am at peace inside for the first time in my life. Give it time, keep strong and give love 2 yourself. good things will come.

I have a question for you Kim – are there any articles/insights about how empaths develop/grow up and why we attract the kinds of relationship dynamics that we so easily fall into and with much difficulty break out of? And often, not just once, but repeatedly.
There’s a lot on the web to read, but I would greatly respect your opinion/insight.

Sorry – I typed this question in elsewhere on your site(terms and conditions) as well(my mistake)

Know that you are not alone and keep fighting! I am dealing with my partners Narc ex-girlfriend and just had to have her arrested for her 3rd violation of my Order of Protection. Unfortunately, they have a daughter together and we are trying really hard to make sure she stays happy and safe. You ARE NOT crazy and remember that it’s really not about you- it’s them. Peace and happiness!

I am not sure how I found you today, but I’ve been choked up since I started reading. I have been avoiding my “Narc” for over a year, changed license plates, addresses, emails, dropped Linked In, pay for an unlisted phone number etc…. I even quit my job after being there for seven years because that was the last place he could find me, I’ve filed police reports and yet he still persists. We don’t have children together, thank God… I am so happy I found this today!! Suddenly I don’t feel as crazy or alone…

Kim, you have a wonderful blog which has inspired me a lot, so I am nominating you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. If you are interested in accepting this nomination please see this post for instructions: http://otterlover58.wordpress.com/2014/12/18/very-inspiring-blogger-award/

I am not even sure where to begin as it is all so unbelievable. My fiance has a narcissistic bi-polar ex-girlfriend and they have a 7 year old daughter together. They were together for 12 toxic, tumultuous years and he stayed with her in attempts to have a family and because well…she’s a narcissist and emotional blackmailer. He is 18 years younger than her as well so it was easier to guilt him. We have been together for over a year now and during that year she has attempted to run us off the road with Carly in the car, stormed into a restaurant and punched us both in the face (in front of my kids), maliciously withheld his child from him for months, lied to the Courts, attempted to have him arrested on false charges (3 different times), publicly smeared me and him (mostly me), wrote disgusting things about me on my daughters senior cheer picture on the football/cheer Facebook page, tried to say she was pregnant by him (HUGE JOKE), stalked my ex-husband about us, threatened my children, continually violates Court orders, and just now, after months of bitter court proceedings and 3 restraining orders on her which in good faith we dropped 2 of them when he got joint custody to make things easier on Carly, she refused him access to his daughter’s first sleepover in almost a year with her dad tonight because I will be around and I am a whore BUT DID OFFER THAT HE CAN COME SLEEP AT HER HOUSE WITH HIS DAUGHTER. After more than a year of living hell she actually believes he will come back to her. Her ups and her downs are impossible and exhausting to keep up with and frankly she scares me. The damage to her daughter at not seeing her father (whom she was extremely close to), to have only been allowed to refer to me for a year as the “c word” or “troll”, and to hear day in and day out that i am the reason her dad hates her, may be irreparable. We are due to start family counseling with Carly to help ease the adjustment to our family on 11/14 but now mom is attempting to withhold Carly so I think another Court battle is at hand. I am tired. How do I handle someone like this? Oh- I do still have an Order of Protection against her thank goodness.

Hello! I am going through a bad heart break and I think he is a N. Is it possible for me to try and write up a condensed verison of what happened to get thoughts and comments? I would really appreciate it. It could be I just got re-involved with an A’hole and alcoholic.

Sorry. Forgot to tag for replies.

I know this is way off the thread but I have a question that I’d like to ask but don’t know where to pose it: what happens when a N female meets a male player? My former N is now involved with a guy who constantly is on match.com. She spends then night at his house and she is hardly out the door and he is on match. For an hour or more several times a day. She absolutely denies the relationship is sexual but all signs say otherwise. They’ve been together for 3 months following her split from her husband of 14 years on Feb. 1,2014. She’s recently introduced them to her children (12 and 5) despite saying 6 weeks ago she needed to focus more on the kids since they weren’t doing well. I’m not even sure her family knows about new guy. Oh, and no legal separation papers signed or divorce action pending? Has the unstoppable force hit the immovable wall?

Thoughts?

Thank you so much, for your words of comfort that you have given me and others. It helps to know there are others out there that understand our pain. I wish to stop the ruminating thoughts and my addiction to stop going over past thoughts and to engage at rebuilding myself which proves to be difficult having to look after two children one with additional needs as well as trying to remain one step ahead of the narcissist. I feel so trapped in my situation and can’t see away to break away from his control. He always seems to have the upper hand and makes it difficult for me to work as I now have a lack of confidence as I continually get but downs and I still have trouble controlling my emotions. Hopefully when the divorce is over he will leave us alone. Thank you for being a support for me and others that are experiencing difficult times.

Here is my story. I was bullied and emotionally abused by my father, also bullied in school and was sexually assaulted by an old man that lived in the above flat where I lived from the age of 6 on wards. To get distance away from my controlling father I moved away to University when I was 18. I met my first true love at the age of 23 and he was my first sexual relationship. I fell head over heels in love and he treated me like a princess, well so I thought. At this point I was working full time and I shared everything with him financially I paid the rent and bills and he would spend his money on taking us out and food shopping. I bought my first house and paid the mortgage and bills. I paid for us to go traveling that cost me £8000. I paid for our wedding, wedding rings, wedding dress and his suit. He was setting up his own business so in the early years I was the supportive one. We had great time, he was charming, gentle and had a childlike innocents.

I was with the narcissist for twelve years, and married at the age of 29. I am now 39 and so is he. He left me and the kids two and half years ago.

When I had the kids he supported us but he was very irresponsible with money and got us in to a lot of debt and pulled many stupid stunts that could have ended him having a criminal record if he got caught. I was the one that was always covering his tracks. It made me feel like he didn’t respect me or my feelings and I felt like I had lost myself. I was forced in to doing things that didn’t sit well with me. I am an honest and trustworthy person.

He turned on me when my father died, when I needed him the most and at my most vulnerable.

It took a two year legal battle to get my inheritance. During this time my husband changed he wasn’t supportive emotionally, he made out it was me that had the problem. He projected and gas lighted me. I had stopped seeing my friends as I was emotional, I had lost all my confidence, and was severely depressed. I knew something wasn’t right but I couldn’t but my finger on it. He would get defensive and we would argue but he would say I’m paranoid, delusional he would say it was all in my head. I loved him and trusted him but for some reason I wasn’t feeling secure. I was scared.

My husband decided that we should use my inheritance to move abroad to where my Mum and Stepdad were living. The plan was that he would work in the UK while travelling back and forth to us until we could build the business over there. So I paid off his debts, gave him my Dads car and used the rest of the money to move the family abroad.

When we arrived there my parents were so worried about me I had lost weight and was disorientated they sent me straight to bed. My parents had already tried to get my husband to realise I was suffering with depression in the UK and suggested to take me to the doctors but he said no I was fine. He did this because I was then easy to control and manipulate, he would go out constantly and leave me with the kids. He was mentally abusing me. He was making me crazy with his lies.

After arriving to our new apartment my husband returned back to the UK to work. Two weeks later he phoned to say he didn’t love me and he wanted a divorce.

My husband came back and forth to us over the year. I was in hope that he was coming back but he used each trip to emotionally abuse me especially after sex. I wish I had been stronger and if I had known then what I know now I would have used the no contact rule but I was weak. I still wanted him back.

I had paid for everything for the move, the rent for apartment, furniture even his flights to come and visit us as at the time I thought he was unwell. I just couldn’t believe that he would do this to us. He stole my cash card and was using it in the UK. He would bring us gifts and I would think he was coming back. I didn’t realise that I was paying for the gifts.

I suffered financial abuse, emotional/mental abuse, I was gas lighted. I lost 2 and a half stone in weight, I ended up with depression and had two break downs that resulted in psychosis. I thought of ending my life many times but thinking of my beautiful kids got me through it. I later found out that my husband had a girlfriend I was distraught.

The children and I move back to the UK a year later as I couldn’t afford to stay. My daughter was five and my son was nearly three and it was recognised that he had additional needs, he would need extra support that he could get free in the UK.

I’m still on the road to recovery. I’m on antidepressants and have counselling once a week. It’s been two and a half years since the split and my soon to be ex-husband is still creating havoc. I’ve had to limit contact but I still have to see him for exchange overs with the children. I don’t answer his calls as they can get aggressive or emails, everything is done by text I keep it short and sweet. He still tries to control me and sometimes catches me off guard. I have spent the last year gaining knowledge of narcissism and I now realise it’s not me that’s the crazy one, it’s him.

He lives with his girlfriend, in his girlfriend’s house and they run the business together his girlfriend also works. They go on loads of holidays. It pains me to see him happy when he has caused us so much pain. I use to get jealous but I just keep on reminding myself that I was her, with my own house and paying for our holidays. She has got it all to come. Let’s hope she is as strong, or stronger than me.

Some days I still feel like I’m living in hell. I’m away from my family but they have been my rock, so have my friends. Although I try to explain what he did to me I don’t think anyone understands the pain. My confidence is coming back but I still have my low days were I am over come with emotion, sadness, anger and worry about mine and the kids future.

I’ve always received complements in the way I look but I am left feeling disgusting, I feel like I smell as that used to be one of the thing he would say around me “what’s that smell” he would say, as he knew I was always paranoid about this but all my family and friends say I don’t and that I never have, but I shower constantly. I just need to get to a place where I love myself again. I fear that I will never trust a man again. When I ever get approached by someone I instantly but up a barrier. I would like to be in a loving relationship but I feel like there is a lot more healing for me to do before I get to that place.

I know I’m not on my own, but sometimes you can feel lonely in a crowded room. There are so many people out there going through so much worse. At least I’m on the road to recovery. My thoughts are with everyone that are going through so much pain and I wish you all well in your healing. Lots of love.

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I’m curious to find out what you think happens when a narcissist man and narcissist woman get married. I think that is the case between my sister and her husband with both of them playing manipulative games. I was caught in the middle of that and while I supported my brother-in-law, I am now wondering whether I was being manipulated by him too. Both of them seem so toxic to each other, but there is ALWAYS a suicide attempt by one of them when the other leaves (depending on who does the leaving). I just feel really stupid wasting all that time and money on international phone calls trying to be a supportive person while shelving my own family cos I thought he needed more help. Little did I know….

When you allow a Narcissist to control your life you give away all of your power. If that happens we feel alone. We are alone because we push everyone else away that is healthy for us. Seek help and support.

I thought I was free of my abuser, then he went after my daughter as a weapon & an opportunity to secure child support, a tax deduction & my health insurance while he reported the income he wanted. The situation my daughter is in has led her to risky & unhealthy behavior, but he manipulates her, his 5th wife, & the system.

I started journaling in about 2005 also. It was 5 years into a 10 year relationship with a Narcissist/psychopath and I started it so I could prove to myself I wasn’t crazy. So many times he changed history I thought I was going insane. How would we be living in the same house and have totally different recollections of what went on?
Also he would say things like, “Well of course I was on dating sites; you told me it was over. You were miserable every day. Bitching at me from the minute I got up until I went to bed.” I felt awful!! I went and read my journal. “JC and I have been getting along well all week. I haven’t taken the bait once, no fighting and I haven’t cried in 4 days. Hopeful!!!”
I showed it to him and he shrugged and walked away.

I had a journal on my blackberry. Instead of writing I would record my words. The blackberry was destroyed when I refused to let him take it to work with him one night so he could get on his usual dating sites that he thought I didn’t know anything about. He grabbed it and tossed it to the floor when I showed him the internet history…again my eyes deceived me and I was the crazy one. My words though are still in my head and when I am gone again to another state I will write them down. It has all been so unbelievable.

Journalling takes us home to our true self. When we are so lonely and broken it is a place we can say what is on our mind and in our hearts. The narcissistic relationship is so confusing at times its only journaling that saves our sanity….that has been my experience.

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