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I simply want to thank you again for your wisdom and clear presentations, phrases I can remember and repeat to myself as I continue on my healing journey. Thank you for your thoughtful, thorough, positive and concise videos and blogs. I feel I have recovered much more quickly and with better understanding thanks to your work and your encouragement of how to take charge of my life.
Thank you.
Thank you so much, Sarah. It touches my heart to know I’ve helped you on your mission to heal. Wishing you all the very best.
Kim XoXo
ReplyI was with a narc off and on for 15 years. It took me going to prison for 3 1/2 years to get away from him. I’ve since realized that I’m typically not in a relationship with narcs, but the FWB or whatever you want to call it. I have BPD so I know I’m a magnet for NPD’s and now I think one of my guy friends is a narc. We had a short lived FWB relationship which he ended about 3 weeks ago. I’ve been noticing the signs for months and although he wasn’t cruel a few months ago, it’s starting to come out. I know I have narc traits too with the BPD and all and I haven’t been an angel to him either. This makes it really hard to discern if I’m just so damaged from previous abuse or if my friend is in reality, a narc. I’m saddened by this. I don’t want him to be this! I fell hard for him 6 months ago and we’ve argued repeatedly. I don’t know why he sticks around because he has a gf. I just didn’t want another narc situation in my life. I’ve been working with a therapist using EMDR but he’s able to trigger me right after a session. I didn’t want to wrongly accuse him of having NPD so I’ve remained friends with him. I don’t know if I’m just paranoid or projecting or what. I wanted to work on me. I didn’t want to go through this again. Thank you for this site, Kim.
ReplyThank you ……. I am 4 months out of a relationship of 10 years with someone I dated when I was 16 ..then got back together with at 40. I am now 50and everything you describe is me. What I don’t understand is why I have given 34 years of emotion and love to this horrible cruel man. I am successful, kind and generous….I guess that is why.. I know I am going through PTSD and feel ridiculous for it. There are people with much bigger problems than me. …BUT I know I need to go through this to get back to me?..
Thank you for what you are doing… it really is life saving 😀
Hi Joanne,
Thank you for reading my blog and for sharing. If you are experiencing PTSD, then you’ll want to make sure you work with a trauma therapist, in addition to a program which will help you build new habits, which will ead to improved thought patterns and neural pathways. Unfortunately, trauma doesn’t go away on its own.
Wishing you the best.
Kim
ReplyAs narcissists age (60’s) do they change for the better or do they get worse as they age?
ReplyHi Meelyn,
I’ve not heard of or come across any narcissists who’ve changed for the better. If someone’s a narcissist, they’re a narcissist for life, despite what others may have you believe.
Aging narcissists don’t change for the better. They do, however, get desperate as they run out of options, so may do a better job of concealing their abuse. BUT, it’s important to remember that it only takes one toxic trait to completely destroy another person’s life.
Hope that helps!
Kim XoXo
ReplyI’ve ended my relationship with a narcissist but now he has frabricated lies about my children and holding me randsom emotionally😨
ReplyI am 60 yrs on my way to recovery from the narc abuse my mother (now 90 yrs old). I am bipolar an an empath. I have severe trauma bonding. I need help to complete my recovery. ANY suggestions? Thank u for your great work!
ReplyHi Mars!
Thank you for stopping by and commenting. I’m glad to know you haven’t given up on your healing! It’s never too late to be happy 🙂
If you’re looking for ways to heal and move forward, the best advice I can offer would be to join us in The Essential No Contact Bootcamp. It has modules on healing and rebuilding, and also we have the absolute best private forum out there for additional support, encouragement, and comradery. Hope you’ll join us!
In the meantime, wishing you all the best.
Hugs,
Kim XoXo
ReplyI don’t know exactly where to begin. I got involved with an individual who somehow managed to convince me he was what I wanted. I was going through a divorce, and I let him know that I wasn’t ready for anything, and especially while I was still married. More and More he started coming around, as his family was a friend of the family’s, he grew up with my cousins, and I had just moved to the area. Long story short, he got me to fall for him. I ended up pregnant, and he counseled me to terminate my pregnancy. That wasn’t an option in my heart or mind. Despite his efforts in trying to get me to do, I carried out my pregnancy. He chose to disapear, and wasn’t around for months. I tried to include him in all aspects of the pregnancy, and it didn’t matter what I did, I could never get anything right, because I chose to have our baby. There were incidents where I just didn’t think he could do anymore to hurt me. He was extremely emotionally and mentally abusive, lied all the time, and even tried to get me to lose our baby knowing I was high risk, and the added stress was too much! After the last altercation, I walked away. I couldn’t and wouldn’t put our baby through that. I ended up having an emergency delivery, our baby was delivered a month early. I informed him, and his family, and he didn’t come to the birth of our child. In fact the only persons from his side were one of his sisters. After stalking me, then showing up at my home unannounced, threatning me, calling me vulgar names and my guests, I went to file for a restraining order. Now he is suing me for SOLE CUSTODY of our child. The very same child he wanted nothing to do with. Stated it was the worst thing that could happen to him, my being pregnant. Today he says I didn’t allow him to be a part of anything. He has somehow been able to manipulate everything and everyone, and our trial is coming up. Though I believe every child deserves a mom and a dad, it shouldn’t be at the expense of the safety and welbeing of a child. I don’t want our child in harms way.
ReplyI’m so messed up I can’t even read all of this. All I know is that I’ve been in a long relationship with a being of some sort that can’t possibly be human. I’m out, but it’s not over. I’m afraid it never will be.
ReplyAll I want is to be a survivor. After years and years of torment and emotional abuse starting from childhood to my soon-to-be divorce, I am tired, and MUST heal. Looking forward to your content. Hugs.
ReplyHope is the last light to go out.
Thank you for sharing your story, taking the time to create and maintain all of this – and for surfacing the problem. As apparently common as it is – I never knew it existed in people, that it had a name – that it wasn’t all me.
ReplyI love this blog. It is so helpful.!! Thank you for the blog follow 🙂
ReplyAt the forgive and pity but NEVER EVER GO BK stage, taken me a long time to get here after allowing myself to enter into a relationship with a narc and almost being completely destroyed by it. I thank this person because I now understand my mums relationship with me was never because of me and I did nothing wrong, she too is a narc and I had to go through this very difficult experience to see that. As a result I am at peace inside for the first time in my life. Give it time, keep strong and give love 2 yourself. good things will come.
ReplyI have a question for you Kim – are there any articles/insights about how empaths develop/grow up and why we attract the kinds of relationship dynamics that we so easily fall into and with much difficulty break out of? And often, not just once, but repeatedly.
There’s a lot on the web to read, but I would greatly respect your opinion/insight.
Sorry – I typed this question in elsewhere on your site(terms and conditions) as well(my mistake)
ReplyKnow that you are not alone and keep fighting! I am dealing with my partners Narc ex-girlfriend and just had to have her arrested for her 3rd violation of my Order of Protection. Unfortunately, they have a daughter together and we are trying really hard to make sure she stays happy and safe. You ARE NOT crazy and remember that it’s really not about you- it’s them. Peace and happiness!
ReplyI am not sure how I found you today, but I’ve been choked up since I started reading. I have been avoiding my “Narc” for over a year, changed license plates, addresses, emails, dropped Linked In, pay for an unlisted phone number etc…. I even quit my job after being there for seven years because that was the last place he could find me, I’ve filed police reports and yet he still persists. We don’t have children together, thank God… I am so happy I found this today!! Suddenly I don’t feel as crazy or alone…
ReplyKim, you have a wonderful blog which has inspired me a lot, so I am nominating you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. If you are interested in accepting this nomination please see this post for instructions: http://otterlover58.wordpress.com/2014/12/18/very-inspiring-blogger-award/
ReplyLuckyotter, thank you so very much. This is such a heartwarming and encouraging gesture. Hugs 🙂
ReplyI am not even sure where to begin as it is all so unbelievable. My fiance has a narcissistic bi-polar ex-girlfriend and they have a 7 year old daughter together. They were together for 12 toxic, tumultuous years and he stayed with her in attempts to have a family and because well…she’s a narcissist and emotional blackmailer. He is 18 years younger than her as well so it was easier to guilt him. We have been together for over a year now and during that year she has attempted to run us off the road with Carly in the car, stormed into a restaurant and punched us both in the face (in front of my kids), maliciously withheld his child from him for months, lied to the Courts, attempted to have him arrested on false charges (3 different times), publicly smeared me and him (mostly me), wrote disgusting things about me on my daughters senior cheer picture on the football/cheer Facebook page, tried to say she was pregnant by him (HUGE JOKE), stalked my ex-husband about us, threatened my children, continually violates Court orders, and just now, after months of bitter court proceedings and 3 restraining orders on her which in good faith we dropped 2 of them when he got joint custody to make things easier on Carly, she refused him access to his daughter’s first sleepover in almost a year with her dad tonight because I will be around and I am a whore BUT DID OFFER THAT HE CAN COME SLEEP AT HER HOUSE WITH HIS DAUGHTER. After more than a year of living hell she actually believes he will come back to her. Her ups and her downs are impossible and exhausting to keep up with and frankly she scares me. The damage to her daughter at not seeing her father (whom she was extremely close to), to have only been allowed to refer to me for a year as the “c word” or “troll”, and to hear day in and day out that i am the reason her dad hates her, may be irreparable. We are due to start family counseling with Carly to help ease the adjustment to our family on 11/14 but now mom is attempting to withhold Carly so I think another Court battle is at hand. I am tired. How do I handle someone like this? Oh- I do still have an Order of Protection against her thank goodness.
ReplyHello! I am going through a bad heart break and I think he is a N. Is it possible for me to try and write up a condensed verison of what happened to get thoughts and comments? I would really appreciate it. It could be I just got re-involved with an A’hole and alcoholic.
ReplyHi, I got involved by accident in a shy emotional man who told me his wife was a narc. They was separated at the time I got involved.I have known him since Nov 2017. I have deep feelings for him and are very worried about him all the time, hope his OK. He has now gone back to her just before Christmas. Said he still loves her and has five boys that he misses very much. He suddenly cut me off and when I try to contact him he either states his very down emotions, does not know what to do, just wants happiness and the argument to stop between his wife, and on one of the last times he spoke to me, I received vile tyrant verbal abuse from him. I keep crying and are so confused as I don’t know whether he is the narc all along or someone who is living in a abusive relationship and it’s his way of releasing his stress. I feel so helpless as I can’t meet him. I do receive the odd text message that’s his calling out for help. In away. Please help me. Juliet.. I now feel as if I’m been looked at as if im a narc by him just because I was trying to help him with his problems.
ReplyI know this is way off the thread but I have a question that I’d like to ask but don’t know where to pose it: what happens when a N female meets a male player? My former N is now involved with a guy who constantly is on match.com. She spends then night at his house and she is hardly out the door and he is on match. For an hour or more several times a day. She absolutely denies the relationship is sexual but all signs say otherwise. They’ve been together for 3 months following her split from her husband of 14 years on Feb. 1,2014. She’s recently introduced them to her children (12 and 5) despite saying 6 weeks ago she needed to focus more on the kids since they weren’t doing well. I’m not even sure her family knows about new guy. Oh, and no legal separation papers signed or divorce action pending? Has the unstoppable force hit the immovable wall?
Thoughts?
ReplyThank you so much, for your words of comfort that you have given me and others. It helps to know there are others out there that understand our pain. I wish to stop the ruminating thoughts and my addiction to stop going over past thoughts and to engage at rebuilding myself which proves to be difficult having to look after two children one with additional needs as well as trying to remain one step ahead of the narcissist. I feel so trapped in my situation and can’t see away to break away from his control. He always seems to have the upper hand and makes it difficult for me to work as I now have a lack of confidence as I continually get but downs and I still have trouble controlling my emotions. Hopefully when the divorce is over he will leave us alone. Thank you for being a support for me and others that are experiencing difficult times.
ReplyAnonymous, thank you for stopping by and commenting. I am so glad to know my site has been helpful to you.
The good news is that if you are able to focus on your recovery, the hypnosis that you’re now under will slowly melt away. Guided meditations at bedtime are a wonderful start as they heal the psyche if done consistently, even if you fall asleep. You could check out my YouTube channel, and I also recommend meditations by Kelly Howell. Also, if you haven’t done it, check out my article, The No Contact 7-Day Challenge. You may need to modify it based on any custody situation you might have, but those two tools are a great start.
Best wishes for your healing.
ReplyHere is my story. I was bullied and emotionally abused by my father, also bullied in school and was sexually assaulted by an old man that lived in the above flat where I lived from the age of 6 on wards. To get distance away from my controlling father I moved away to University when I was 18. I met my first true love at the age of 23 and he was my first sexual relationship. I fell head over heels in love and he treated me like a princess, well so I thought. At this point I was working full time and I shared everything with him financially I paid the rent and bills and he would spend his money on taking us out and food shopping. I bought my first house and paid the mortgage and bills. I paid for us to go traveling that cost me £8000. I paid for our wedding, wedding rings, wedding dress and his suit. He was setting up his own business so in the early years I was the supportive one. We had great time, he was charming, gentle and had a childlike innocents.
I was with the narcissist for twelve years, and married at the age of 29. I am now 39 and so is he. He left me and the kids two and half years ago.
When I had the kids he supported us but he was very irresponsible with money and got us in to a lot of debt and pulled many stupid stunts that could have ended him having a criminal record if he got caught. I was the one that was always covering his tracks. It made me feel like he didn’t respect me or my feelings and I felt like I had lost myself. I was forced in to doing things that didn’t sit well with me. I am an honest and trustworthy person.
He turned on me when my father died, when I needed him the most and at my most vulnerable.
It took a two year legal battle to get my inheritance. During this time my husband changed he wasn’t supportive emotionally, he made out it was me that had the problem. He projected and gas lighted me. I had stopped seeing my friends as I was emotional, I had lost all my confidence, and was severely depressed. I knew something wasn’t right but I couldn’t but my finger on it. He would get defensive and we would argue but he would say I’m paranoid, delusional he would say it was all in my head. I loved him and trusted him but for some reason I wasn’t feeling secure. I was scared.
My husband decided that we should use my inheritance to move abroad to where my Mum and Stepdad were living. The plan was that he would work in the UK while travelling back and forth to us until we could build the business over there. So I paid off his debts, gave him my Dads car and used the rest of the money to move the family abroad.
When we arrived there my parents were so worried about me I had lost weight and was disorientated they sent me straight to bed. My parents had already tried to get my husband to realise I was suffering with depression in the UK and suggested to take me to the doctors but he said no I was fine. He did this because I was then easy to control and manipulate, he would go out constantly and leave me with the kids. He was mentally abusing me. He was making me crazy with his lies.
After arriving to our new apartment my husband returned back to the UK to work. Two weeks later he phoned to say he didn’t love me and he wanted a divorce.
My husband came back and forth to us over the year. I was in hope that he was coming back but he used each trip to emotionally abuse me especially after sex. I wish I had been stronger and if I had known then what I know now I would have used the no contact rule but I was weak. I still wanted him back.
I had paid for everything for the move, the rent for apartment, furniture even his flights to come and visit us as at the time I thought he was unwell. I just couldn’t believe that he would do this to us. He stole my cash card and was using it in the UK. He would bring us gifts and I would think he was coming back. I didn’t realise that I was paying for the gifts.
I suffered financial abuse, emotional/mental abuse, I was gas lighted. I lost 2 and a half stone in weight, I ended up with depression and had two break downs that resulted in psychosis. I thought of ending my life many times but thinking of my beautiful kids got me through it. I later found out that my husband had a girlfriend I was distraught.
The children and I move back to the UK a year later as I couldn’t afford to stay. My daughter was five and my son was nearly three and it was recognised that he had additional needs, he would need extra support that he could get free in the UK.
I’m still on the road to recovery. I’m on antidepressants and have counselling once a week. It’s been two and a half years since the split and my soon to be ex-husband is still creating havoc. I’ve had to limit contact but I still have to see him for exchange overs with the children. I don’t answer his calls as they can get aggressive or emails, everything is done by text I keep it short and sweet. He still tries to control me and sometimes catches me off guard. I have spent the last year gaining knowledge of narcissism and I now realise it’s not me that’s the crazy one, it’s him.
He lives with his girlfriend, in his girlfriend’s house and they run the business together his girlfriend also works. They go on loads of holidays. It pains me to see him happy when he has caused us so much pain. I use to get jealous but I just keep on reminding myself that I was her, with my own house and paying for our holidays. She has got it all to come. Let’s hope she is as strong, or stronger than me.
Some days I still feel like I’m living in hell. I’m away from my family but they have been my rock, so have my friends. Although I try to explain what he did to me I don’t think anyone understands the pain. My confidence is coming back but I still have my low days were I am over come with emotion, sadness, anger and worry about mine and the kids future.
I’ve always received complements in the way I look but I am left feeling disgusting, I feel like I smell as that used to be one of the thing he would say around me “what’s that smell” he would say, as he knew I was always paranoid about this but all my family and friends say I don’t and that I never have, but I shower constantly. I just need to get to a place where I love myself again. I fear that I will never trust a man again. When I ever get approached by someone I instantly but up a barrier. I would like to be in a loving relationship but I feel like there is a lot more healing for me to do before I get to that place.
I know I’m not on my own, but sometimes you can feel lonely in a crowded room. There are so many people out there going through so much worse. At least I’m on the road to recovery. My thoughts are with everyone that are going through so much pain and I wish you all well in your healing. Lots of love.
ReplySurvivor, thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry you went through that experience and for it’s lasting effect on you.
What’s happened is, after being subjected to the abuse for so long, your subconscious has accepted the false input as truth. Just as it took time for him to brainwash you, you will need to retrain your psyche into a new way of thinking. That’s why I promote guided meditations, binaurals, essential oils, and various other healing methods.
It’s a hard road to travel, but once we become aware of our limiting thoughts and make a conscious effort to change them, we can overcome the abuse/trauma and find true happiness again. The reason this is so important is because as long as we focus on the abuse and concentrate on the negative beliefs, we will continue to attract those kinds of thoughts and energy into our reality.
Once we’ve done the self-work we can then attract the best partner for us into our lives. Please don’t resign yourself to the false belief that men cannot be trusted. That will only make it true for you…
Reply[…] take us deeper into ourselves and encourage us to find strength. Here is what you can find on Kim’s blog, in her […]
ReplyI’m curious to find out what you think happens when a narcissist man and narcissist woman get married. I think that is the case between my sister and her husband with both of them playing manipulative games. I was caught in the middle of that and while I supported my brother-in-law, I am now wondering whether I was being manipulated by him too. Both of them seem so toxic to each other, but there is ALWAYS a suicide attempt by one of them when the other leaves (depending on who does the leaving). I just feel really stupid wasting all that time and money on international phone calls trying to be a supportive person while shelving my own family cos I thought he needed more help. Little did I know….
ReplyWhen you allow a Narcissist to control your life you give away all of your power. If that happens we feel alone. We are alone because we push everyone else away that is healthy for us. Seek help and support.
ReplyI thought I was free of my abuser, then he went after my daughter as a weapon & an opportunity to secure child support, a tax deduction & my health insurance while he reported the income he wanted. The situation my daughter is in has led her to risky & unhealthy behavior, but he manipulates her, his 5th wife, & the system.
ReplyI am just reading this and it sounds so familiar – trying to let it go but so frustrating that the system supports the narcissist
ReplyI started journaling in about 2005 also. It was 5 years into a 10 year relationship with a Narcissist/psychopath and I started it so I could prove to myself I wasn’t crazy. So many times he changed history I thought I was going insane. How would we be living in the same house and have totally different recollections of what went on?
Also he would say things like, “Well of course I was on dating sites; you told me it was over. You were miserable every day. Bitching at me from the minute I got up until I went to bed.” I felt awful!! I went and read my journal. “JC and I have been getting along well all week. I haven’t taken the bait once, no fighting and I haven’t cried in 4 days. Hopeful!!!”
I showed it to him and he shrugged and walked away.
I had a journal on my blackberry. Instead of writing I would record my words. The blackberry was destroyed when I refused to let him take it to work with him one night so he could get on his usual dating sites that he thought I didn’t know anything about. He grabbed it and tossed it to the floor when I showed him the internet history…again my eyes deceived me and I was the crazy one. My words though are still in my head and when I am gone again to another state I will write them down. It has all been so unbelievable.
ReplyI am new to reaching out. Feel like i cant believe what has happened to my life, i have been married for 27 years,sep.and gotten back over and over. At first it was physical and mental abuse.then i got a resraining order for the physical abuse and he learned to step p the psychological torture. I read a list online about narcisstic games and ten main ways they do it.and it was all my life. Ieft him with the kids and went to another state and he followed me.he told everyone he was a good father and wanted to be by his kids. When i heard he was coming here i cried and wished i could just die but i couldnt let him fjnish off the kids. He has done things covert and not able to prove to keep the kids from being independant so they can be around so he has something he can hold over me.he k.ows that hurting the kids is like killing me,im not talking physical,so many sick games he plays. He worked every day of the kids lives to brainwash them that mom is crazy,mentally ill. He has done some sick thingslike scare me or hurt me or threaten me behind a closed door then when im upset and hes cheerful,he tells the kids to take pictjres of mom being crazy for the judge. . I have 9kids with him so there js alot he can hurt
Ready ammunition. Every time i leave he makes me pay.i have a restraining order and hes not scared because he has brainwashed all the lids to defend him if mom gets crazy again and says im abusing her .hey kids we cant let mom get me fired .who will pay for your stuff. I could name a million sick games he has played,and denies reality of what he does to me and ro the kids and we believe it! I keep rethinking events and think why is everyone saying this when we clearly saw him doing something else. And he plays favorites with the kids
Whoever can make him look good and doesnt call him on his actions and pretends he js a great dad gets all the stuff, exra points if you degrade mom.
I also journaled, i wanted to get things off my chest, put down the way is was as he always said it was different and all me, I wanted to write to see the pattern, after two years it was the same story and the same issues things only got worse. When I told him I did this and read him things out of it he called it a book of lies, when I shiwed him truth from the bible and things didn’t go his way he called that a book of lies. He got so angry and bitter when he was confronted with truth then called me the liar and much worse. Its a pattern with them that they will never admit to any wrong even when they get caught in the lies. The only problem I am having now after breaking free and healing, with thanks to Kim is I cant help myself from sending him truths about what he is and making it clear how much better off I am without him because he keeps all his ex’s hanging on a thread and they don’t move on so I want him to know thats not me.
ReplyJournalling takes us home to our true self. When we are so lonely and broken it is a place we can say what is on our mind and in our hearts. The narcissistic relationship is so confusing at times its only journaling that saves our sanity….that has been my experience.
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