Is There a Happy Ending with a Narcissist?

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Feb 20
Is there a happy ending with a narcissist

Several people used these search terms to find my site recently, so I thought it would be a good idea to write a post to satisfy inquiring minds.

Previously, it was believed that only 1% of the population is affected by NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).  However, this figure is outdated and is only an estimate based on the number of people who were diagnosed with the disorder.  It’s recently been determined that most Narcissists refuse to seek therapy, and the ones who do don’t stay around long enough to be analyzed.  Therefore, there is a much larger percentage of undiagnosed Narcissists roaming the earth, causing great destruction in their wake.

Most victims who start their research on Narcissism come across the DSM’s description of NPD.  You know the one…A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by …I equate this to the pre-Socratic belief that the world was flat.

Many professionals are now seeing these traits as obsolete because they don’t give an accurate description of the depth of pathology of the Narcissist’s behaviors toward the people in their lives, such as:  the abuse cycle, baiting, blaming, infidelity, emotional blackmail, persecution, and more.  I will touch on these traits in another post because I want to get to the question at hand…Is there a happy ending with a Narcissist?

The answer may not be the one you’re looking for, but yes, there is a happy ending, only not while you’re still with the Narcissist. I shared the above information because it’s important to realize why there is no chance of a happy ending with a person with NPD. When the relationship with your Narcissist comes to a dramatic end, as they always do, there are two of three scenarios that will play out.  Let’s look at each one individually.

1.        The Narcissist’s “happy ending”

After the discard or following your escape, the Narcissist will spend months, if not years, trying to make you believe that he or she is as happy as a clam with their new partner.  They will post warm and fuzzy pictures on their social media sites with the new love interest and if you see them together, it will look like a scene straight out of The Notebook.  You’ll be left wondering what it is about you that didn’t bring this side of the Narcissist out while the two of you were together.  The important thing to remember is that it’s all a charade.

When the Narcissist is in a new relationship, the biggest thing they feel is a sense of relief, not love.  They are relieved because they have a new source of supply who doesn’t yet know the Narcissist for who they really are.  Consequently, the Narc can extract the greatest supply from the new partner without fear of detection.

But only for so long.

A Narcissist’s fundamental beliefs make it impossible to have a happy ending with anyone, regardless of what it may look like to outsiders.  There are one or two websites (that I’m aware of) that may lead you to believe a happy ending is possible, but in my honest opinion these sites are dangerous and lead victims to stay in abusive relationships that don’t end well.  The authors of these sites perpetuate the false belief that the relationship’s troubles lie in the victim’s hands and all it takes is more understanding and learning to be emotionally resilient in the face of abuse.  While I do think learning to control one’s emotions is a good goal, it will not change the Narcissist.  Period.  In fact, putting up boundaries and learning not to cry often makes the Narcissist angrier, which leads to heightened rage and maltreatment of the victim.

The bottom line is, no matter what you do to improve your own behaviors and mindset, this will not do anything to change the Narcissist’s belief system or abusive behaviors.

2.        Your ending:  the-not-so-happy one

Every person who has been victimized and discarded by a Narcissist goes through a period of disbelief and depression.  The depth of these emotions vary depending on the individual.  Those who are co-dependent, empathetic and/or Highly Sensitive often suffer the most following the relationship’s end.

Codependents agonize the fall of the relationship because they typically repeat patterns that began in childhood when they didn’t get the proper love and affection from their parent(s).  Generally, the Narcissist represents a parental figure, and the codependent lives and breathes to obtain their abuser’s approval.  However, in spite of giving the relationship 110%, nothing ever pleases the Narcissist, and the codependent is thrown to the gutter, resulting in enhanced feelings of unworthiness and self-reproach.

Empaths/Highly Sensitive people are hypersensitive to the emotions and energies of other people.  They are often natural healers and caretakers, both admirable traits to have.  Unfortunately, these traits often lead to being vibrationally attracted to Narcissists.  This explains the recent focus on Empaths and Narcissists in a relationship.  The Empath/HSP is a natural giver, while the Narcissist is in an infinite state of need.  They literally attract one another like magnets.

It’s also common to be codependent and an Empath/HSP.  The victims in this category suffer to the greatest degree because of the psychological damage coupled with the biological harm that results from absorbing the Narcissist’s negative emotions, often resulting in chronic fatigue, ravaged adrenal glands, and an impaired hormonal system.

While the above personalities generally suffer more following Narcissistic abuse, it’s important to note that anyone who stays in a long-term relationship with a Narcissist will suffer psychologically (i.e., trauma bonding, PTSD) and physically.  Long-term stress causes adverse changes in one’s DNA, which leads to diseases including high blood pressure and some cancers.  This explains the correlation between abused women being at a higher risk of developing breast cancer.

Sadly, there is a great number of people who come out of a relationship with a Narcissist that are so damaged, they never muster the strength to do more than just survive, despite the number of books they read or how many therapists they see.  But, it doesn’t have to be that way…

3.        The good news – your happy ending is possible

Recovering from Narcissistic abuse is a process that involves extreme mental awareness.  What that means is, realizing when you are having negative thoughts and making a conscious effort to overcome them.  As always, the grief process comes first, but there does come a time when it is necessary to make the deliberate decision to move forward.  With this often comes the recognition that we need to change the thing(s) about ourselves that drove us to stay in an abusive relationship.  Whether that involves codependency or the ingrained belief that being a good person means always putting others before ourselves, it’s time to practice self-love.

At the onset, practicing self-love may feel uncomfortable, selfish even.  However, it’s really about nurturing your soul in ways that rid your body and psyche of a lifetime of negative energy and limiting beliefs so you can not only feel good about yourself, but love the people around you more effectively.  

Next, I can’t emphasize enough the importance of guided meditations.  There are two categories that I turn to most often.  1) Guided meditations with affirmations, such as the ones I post Let Me Reach, and 2) Binaural Beats.  All of the binaurals are effective depending on the results you want to achieve, but there are some that help repair your DNA, such as the Solfeggio (528 Hz).

Last, but not least, you’ll want to find a way to stop obsessing about the Narcissist.  The more you ruminate over them, the less likely it will be for you to break out of the cycle.  What we think about the most is what we attract more of into our lives.  That’s what I meant when I said recovering from Narcissistic abuse involves extreme mental awareness.  The first thing you should do is write down as many ways as you can think of regarding how they hurt you and keep it with you during your recovery.  Not as a means to beat yourself up, but as a defense tactic so you won’t romanticize the abuse and fool yourself into thinking you’re missing out.

Your happy ending is possible, but it involves self-work.  Many people often report a spiritual transformation in the aftermath of Narcissistic abuse.  This is possible for you, too.  However, it will involve taking the focus off of the Narcissist and turning it onto yourself.

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(61) comments

[…] not convinced?  Perhaps this article, Is There a Happy Ending With a Narcissist?, will save you from the slow poison of the Narcissist’s lethal […]

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[…] is a waste of time.  Why?  Because knowing this information does nothing to erase the abuse or to change the outcome of the relationship.  After a time, you are re-reading information you already know, which is symptomatic of toxic […]

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Ross April 24, 2017

I have read many of your articles regarding narcissism. It has helped me gain profound insight on the woman I was with for 2 years. I am no doctor, but it would seem to me that I am an empathy/HSP with codependency. It pains me to know that there are people out there who don’t have the capacity to love.

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LM April 11, 2017

I suffered in the exact order, fatigue, adrenal and hormonal imbalance. Thank God I found a good doctor who led me to natural supplements to start regulating my body. Its important inside and out. Get as far away and focus on only positive and your healing. THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE. THEY ARE INCAPABLE OF CHANGE. But are capable of sending you into health woes. Trust me. Work on you focus on your recovery and you will see how much better you will be.

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Mel February 25, 2017

I often used to wonder why I was attracted to the narcissist in the first place. Then I realised a positive will always attract a negative. Mel x

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Goddess October 20, 2016

Hello, I’m struggling with recovery from my last crush. I had so called typical romance cycle with narcissist with this guy. Of course I fell hard, and was extremelly sad after he discarded me. I am aware now of his every fault, but still can’t fully recover. The problem is we work in the same company. The whole thing ended a year ago, when I went no contact. We don’t talk and don’t say hallo at all, on my demand. After me, when I was still in great pain, he found a new girlfriend and was bragging about her to colleagues. I never saw her and everything was ok. No jealoussy, I wished him luck and called him an idiot and planed to continue my life.The bigger problem is, in spite of his official girlfriend, one woman from his department started to hit on him, what he naturally accepted. The biggest problem is that she is married , has three children age 3-7, and husbend that she claims to adore. She sais that she has nothing to do with him, but acts totally different. She changed fisically, her wardrobe style (wears mini scirts) and facial expression, is always near him and act like they are lovers. He assimilated her, she became like his clone. She denies any involvement, sais they are friends her husband knows him and is very happy; and then goes texting to him the whole day, and they go together home from work. While I’m in shock how married woman can fall so hard as I and is not concerned how it looks. The problem is I know her for nine years and never expected her to go down on this level, to lie for this asshole and to act like teenager in love. I can’t believe my eyes that I see how capable he is to control other woman. I have to work with her on some project so I can’t tell her everything I think about that, but I let her know to be carefull about him because he lies and will hurt her. She has beautifull family and carrier everyone would wish, an in my opinion risks it all. She was certain it can’t happen to her. Although I’m aware of his character in my mind, my heart still hurts because he discarded me very fast in the moment we had the best time, although I put boundaries , recognased his toxicity and went out, I’m hurt because two woman feed his ego and they seem so happy, whil I still collect my peaces. I try to find ways to ignore, forget and be indifferent towords what is happening in front of my nose, but cant find finall solution. She has everything, family, husbnd and his attention, I’m down. Of course, I haven’t met someone new, as it usually is. I told him at the end to find some other people who think like him. i guess he found. Liar in a denial. I still can’t believe such people exist. Thank you for understanding.

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Jacqueline June 22, 2016

What do you actually say to a narcissist when ending the relationship? Please help me. About to end mine. Sick of this emotionally abusive hell I’ve been living in with him. He no longer lives with me as of 3 months ago after almost 2.5 years of living together. He is not the father of my children. I am divorced and we have been together for almost 3 years. So as of now we are separated and I plan to write him a break up letter and send via email. Also he had a lot of his belongings here, so I will set a date and timeframe for him to get his stuff. Thank you so much ahead of time. Cannot wait to be done with him.

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    Kim Saeed October 2, 2016

    There’s really nothing to say besides sending the break-up email. Then, block. I wouldn’t advise setting a time for him to get his stuff. Instead, I would box it up and arrange for a friend or relative to leave it on his porch.

    Wishing you the best,

    Kim

    Reply
    SUSAN Walker October 11, 2016

    Example of a breakup letter and home truths.

    Don,

    The way forward should have followed along these lines.

    “Susan, I am more sorry than you will know. I understand how my lies and secret porn hurt you, this we have ascertained. Despite that the foundation of our relationship we agreed upon was honesty. This must have incited disappointment in you and created continued suspicion.

    Susan you lost your laughter and became hyper vigilant and and defensive. Well no wonder when I repeatedly meted out the silent treatment to you for days on end after you had become upset at various situations, e.g.lying, groaning at teen girls ( I did and you do not have auditory hallucinations nor misinterpret situations), using binoculars to look at teen girls because I liked their bodies. Yes this was creepy behaviour and it must have been deflating to your self esteem especially given that I could rarely make love to you.

    Of course you were right to toot (not blasted your horn as I twisted the truth here to support my response which upset you) those thugs who then raged at you, but instead I said you deserved that response. Im sorry, I should have defended your actions, not theirs. How heartless of me.

    And yes your reactions to some situations were completely out of character for you- yet you were faced with uncertainty, confusion, lack of support, empathy and caring from me, often.

    Re the ‘Layla situation’, any sane woman in your shoes would have reacted to that wedding poem suggestion (and its preface) with shock, confusion and questions.

    As for the fight with Jack, you were both in the wrong but at least you were truthful. And yes I insisted you apologise to him, which you did with grace (despite that wouldn’t admit so). and yet I did not insist nor really care that jack wouldn’t apologise to you. How unfair and one sided of me. He is my son but you were my wife and I took his side, leaving you bereft, traumatised, upset and alone. This is not what a caring partner does to one they profess to love.

    Oh and my over reaction to your one comment at the Denpasar Airport, where I left you abandoned for hours, alone, hot tired and in pain……No wonder you cried all the way home. AND with not one ounce of care nor support nor understanding from me !! Did i really do that to you ?? What a callous act.

    But even worse and to compound matters I allowed a mate to attack you with incredible cruelty. You did not incite that reaction despite that in recounting the situation I did alter the manner in which you quietly asked “why is it good I’m going away”. This helped me substantiate the fact that I supported Rob. And I actually agreed with him. What a cruel bastard. And I did not offer you any support or comfort. In fact I called Steve so he could witness your (understandable) distress. No wonder you fled. again alone, unloved, unsupported.

    Hence i do understand your mistrust in me and your justified fear in having similar scenarios repeated (of which you have cited but a few).

    Susan, I beg your forgiveness for the immense heartache, pain and PTSD ( yes I know this is the result of trauma and not self inflicted). I did recognise PTSD in you and many of its symptoms had been displayed for some time. This must have been more awful than I can imagine, and all I wanted to do was have you medicated for anxiety instead of realising that you had been through traumatic situations in which I gave so little support. How can you ever forgive and trust in me again ??”

    Don, I wish this had come from you, from your heart but I fear this is not a viewpoint you will take.

    I tried so hard to keep our love and life together after willingly sacrificing so much for our love, but the Freeze, Fight and Flight instinct was eventually a powerful survival mechanism that drove me. Our good times were amazing, the lows dreadfully destructive. Don, in hindsight I recognise now symptoms of ptsd even prior to our marriage. These increased and were full blown when I left. Its a battle i will not, cannot repeat.

    Well, I guess its more convenient for you to explain to your cohort that Susan had anxiety or Susan was crazy, or to allow your mate to spread that Im a crazy bitch, rather than having to explain how a perfectly sane and well balanced woman was afflicted with PTSD. This was/is your choice.

    My Knight In Shining Armour

    Became

    The Dark Night of My Heart and Soul.

    Sent from Outlook

    Reply
Narcopath or Narcissist December 5, 2015

[…] see you as the good person you really are, by trying to prove you are not what she calls you. Yet, you never will. narcissist: She is much subtler, sort of, “I told you it would hurt me if you did this, and now […]

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Saray October 4, 2015

I am very depress I am confused I am 2 months pregnant and I been with my abuser for 6 years I love him and don’t want to put him in jail but everyday is either good or hell for me I feel like I walk on eggshells in my own home he is like a ticking bomb when you least expected he blows up with any excuse he has accused me of stealing money from him 2 days after I told him I was pregnant and he started punching me saying I stole money from him I texted my mom for help and she sent cops over but he ran out the window.. Two days later he ask to meet up with me and continue swearing he don’t abuse me ever again but ever since is verbal abuse from waking me up in my middle of sleep forcing my head to perform oral… I am very tired and need rest my last straw was today when he accused me of lying to not get an abortion deep down inside I want this baby but I’m terrify he will hurt me. I was so afraid today I ran out the door with my dog and called the cops to get him out …he finally packed up and left before police arrived but I can’t stop calling him and he won’t answer … I am so confused my whole maguey won’t talk to me if
Still dealing with him.. I have no one to run to for help I just want to die!!

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    Kim Saeed November 1, 2015

    Saray, have you tried visiting your local domestic violence center or a woman’s shelter? That’s probably the best start for what you are going through. If you fear for your life, they might be able to set you up with transitional housing. Wishing you all the best <3

    Reply
      Anonymous November 1, 2015

      If you truly love the narcissist, then you will leave – for the abused, and abuser’s sakes. Do you want some one you love to believe it’s good and right to hit and yell? Some one has to care enough to say, “This is what love is”……

      Reply
Presh October 1, 2015

Oh my gosh!! All of the comments and of course the article are the same exact thing(s) that have happened to me with the same person over and over and over and over again. I have finally had enough of it and have been blessed to be able to move on. It is a process but I have never felt that I was over and done with him untl this last encounter. It hurt my soul to the roots. I would never go back especially now realzing my life and sanitiy depend on it. He is a true Narcissist.

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ce August 9, 2015

Such a thoughtful article. Thank you. Some of us can’t leave. The resources just aren’t there. In the mean time – i’ve accomplished a great deal. I’ve stated to my N spouse, that he i need and deserve a divorce, and happiness. Just making that fact heard to the source of my fear was a huge, huge step. I’ve worked on “why” i put myself in hell, and i’m meditating and listening to “solfeggio tones”, to encourage confidence in truth, where ever it comes, and where ever it leads. Stay strong!

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[…] not convinced?  Perhaps this article, Is There a Happy Ending With a Narcissist?, will save you from the slow poison of the Narcissist’s lethal […]

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booboojing March 28, 2015

Reblogged this on booboojing's Blog and commented:
Is it really true? I had been searching for happiness with my narcissist. Everytime when I thought I felt some happiness, again I am plunged right back in hell.

I don’t know what more I could ever do. I am hurting like hell and everyday I kept crying and crying.

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AnnaH March 27, 2015

I absolutely LOVE that quote you chose for the beginning! My name is Anna, and I came across it (purely accidentally) when I was still involved with my Narc. It shook me up, because it made me think more about escaping my Narc for good. Thanks for the wonderful article and the equally wonderful website!! 🙂 I did end up leaving him, but this quote has stuck with me all the same.

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    Kim Saeed March 28, 2015

    Thank you for sharing that, Anna 🙂

    Reply
Sonya Jones December 4, 2014

Oooh no!! I was one that asked if there was a happy ending with a Narc.. Lately he has been so much better, kinder and I thought, just maybe.. It’s been 7 yrs already.. And I guess the end is near after all.. I’m an Empath and whenever I’d break up with him, the pain would be more than I can bare.. So I’d run back for relief.. How can I prepare for this.. I’m really really scared.. Please help me!? I so hate feelings an emotions!! I often wish I were a narc.. I’m the only empath in a family of narcs and I kinda feel like their treatment of me is normal.. I wish I didn’t feel.. Thanks

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Natasha November 24, 2014

Hi Kim …My name is Natasha and I just ended a 7 months relationship with a narcissist.I am usually a very analytical and cautious person who always held the upperhands in relationship . I agree with you that there will never be a happy ending with these kinds of people . My ex lost both his parents while he was a child and he grew up with 6 sisters .We cannot change a narcissist as their aim is to drain you of who you are. They always bait for attractive , confident and successful woman and their aim is to feed on their energy and when they are done with you , they will show u their true selves till they find their next targets .What we need to remember is that these people are liars , cheaters who are devoid of any conscience .Two months in our relationship ,I started analysing him as I trusted my woman instinct .The only advice I can give to women when faced with these people is to stay strong .I am in the middle of a break up and having read all these comments about narcissist , all my love for him seemed to have evaporated .
There is really no Happy Ending with them. He made me fight with my best female friend and got me into trouble with my family .They adopt different personas with various people .

Please girls be careful of these narcissists as they are not only manipulative but expert womanisers and liars .

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    wellwellwell September 12, 2015

    When I first met my Mr.Evil he had just left his wife (later I discovered she had left him). He was so full of self-pity and me like a fool fell for it. There were dozens of red flags I ignored (well you do when you have never before met a Narc). I won’t list them all,but will give a random sample.He was forever running down his ex-wife,and the most disturbing was when he told me that when she was pregnant he used to laugh watching her waddle down the road- how sick is that? Then of course he quickly started on me telling me he was the only friend I had,when he had none and I had over 15 friends. He would constantly invade my space till I felt like he was my bodyguard. Turn up unannounced at my home,then say everyone needs an appointment to come here.. Made disparaging remarks about my family and friends. Never had a good word to say about anybody.I eventually discovered nobody liked him,but said nothing to me out of loyalty to my decisions. Every social event we attended he just used to sit and not say a word. In hindsight I can see how boring and his lack of personality made him so envious of me,because I am a very sociable outgoing person,and he liked to have all the attention directed towards him.Thank goodness after I dumped him he took up with a woman at his workplace(lots of happy,happy ‘photo’s on Facebook….oh how sweet) Well here comes the Karma- after boomeranging back and forth with her for over 20 odd years,she has taken him back once again (what on earth is wrong with the woman)He is now retired and his Facebook ‘photo is a picture he looks as evil on the outside as he is within,so no chance of getting more supply looking as he now does. I have to say that I hope he spends the rest of his day’s in the same kind of misery he brought upon me,and when he does finally die he will have no one to attend his funeral apart from his latest ‘squeez’..

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Liza welsh September 29, 2014

Im 4 years left my narcissistic ex father of my kids. I’m alone now with my kids he’s still on the outskirts trying to get to me. I text only for my son . but I’m a empath and have just discovered this site. Thank the universe as I’m now into severe dark places. I hope this will save my thoughts of ending my torment by leaving this world. I’m ashamed that I have thought the only way is to take my kids too.

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    Anon September 29, 2014

    Oh Liza! I’m so sorry for your pain! Trust me, I have been there! I was pregnant and wanting to end it all. I didn’t because of the baby and my young son. A friend came to my house and held my hand for hours and I hyper-ventilated and breathed into a paper bag and prayed for an end to the panic attack for which I could take no meds. Trust me when I say I know the pain and IT WILL END!! PLEASE seek help when you feel like this. And taking the kids would never, ever help…and I believe you know this in your heart. They deserve a shot at life! And guess what? Inside you is a little girl that also deserves a shot at life. NEVER give your God-given power to ANY man! That scumbag Narc is NOT worth it and NEVER will be! He messed with your head and now you just need to slowly sort it back out and YOU CAN DO IT. Good for you for only texting. Always keep it that way. As Kim always says, and every other Narc site…NO CONTACT, or in our case with kids, limited contact…is the only want to keep yourself safe from their poisonous words. Please reach out for help to your family and friends, a pastor and/or a therapist. Meds have also helped me to feel steady as I go through this healing. Please, please, please make an appointment with a good therapist. HUGS TO YOU!!

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    Isaac September 29, 2014

    Liza – Please seek out help from a professional therapist. You’re clearly depressed and when we are in that state it becomes the norm to lose perspective as our thought patterns become more and more negative. By talking through your feelings you will begin to feel less isolated and have a more positive focus in your life. Many of us have felt suicidal at times but please have faith that it’s not the answer and that you DO still have a lot to live for – not least your children. I don’t want to guilt trip you but they love you unconditionally, and that’s a tremendous, magical gift. But you need help and support at that stage in your life and I think a therapist will be able to provide you with that.

    Another life-saver for me has been Melanie Tonia Evans who has written loads on narcissistic abuse, why we allow it to happen, and healing strategies, so please check out her website and sign up for her emails. Her writings are very accessible and she’s has an amazing insight into the way narcissists operate and the impact they have. In my darker moments, reading her work would often make me laugh as she was so spot on, and it really helped me to mentally move on from the torment I was going through:

    http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/

    Think about all the time and energy you’ve given to others – and then start to invest as much time and energy in yourself. You deserve it!

    All the best,

    Isaac

    Reply
      Tracy Ullrich January 28, 2015

      Oh my, I am so happy to have discovered people whom have experienced what I have. And I agree also with the different types of narcissists but they are soulless and horrid. I have been through the absolute hell and horror madness and confusion for the past four years. I started with mine by being love bombed, he would hold me, we laughed, he got thoughtful gifts, not that he paid for them but he worked people for them. I read about how they are masters at reading us quickly and they cause cognitive dissonance within us. That made so much sense!!! Talk in circles for 3 hours and he would pull me into these twisted conversations that were baffling. So all the love bombing stopped and he would not work and put down the job I have. I have been so confused by my behavior. He disliked most people my dogs etc, he started saying horrifying things, did wierd things around my house, and then he would change, take me to dinner and say I’m the only woman he’s ever loved that struck me as very odd considering we are in our fifties. He was addicted to porn and told me I was better looking than the porn stars, yeah right. He would tell me it’s ok for u to have sex with other men, just don’t fall in love, ouch them he would say it was fantasy. When I finally asked him to move, I was emotionally attacked. He faked a suicide attempt texted me constantly that I am a c, garbage and he hopes I die a slow painful death. The most awful things a person would ever say to me. Then he would call say I love u lets go to dinner and I would!!! He has messed with my computers, Would make sure he popped by when my daughter was with me, my whole family was so concerned about my behavior and the change in me. He kicked my door in, took my car and I couldn’t have it back for 1.5 days he has scared me many times. One night he called me continue
      L
      We end up believing we’ll never be happy, satisfied nor content without the narcissist. We fear being a Single Person. We believe our misery is permanent. We scoff at people who tell us, “This Too Shall Pass.” We interpret our emotions as reliable guides for appropriate action. NOT! We either pull the covers over our heads and block out the world; or we run back to the narcissist because our feelings insist he or she is the Love of Our Life. Oh, it’s pretty much hell getting over a narcissist.

      Reply
    Kim Saeed September 30, 2014

    Dear Liza, thoughts of suicide are, unfortunately, not unusual when one has endured emotional and/or physical abuse. However, when one finds oneself in such a dark place and has such suicidal thoughts, it is imperative that they at least contact the suicide hotline so that caring professionals can help them deal with this perilous situation. In the US, the number is 1-800-273-8255. In the UK, Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK – local rate) Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 91 92 (UK minicom). You owe this to yourself, Liza. And when your thoughts of harming yourself extend to those you love, you absolutely must seek out professional assistance, for your sake and for theirs. A caring professional will help you see, what you perhaps cannot yourself see in your situation at the moment, that there are other and far better ways to deal with the pain you are experiencing–ways that lead to a brighter future for you and for the people that mean most to you. In friendship, Kim

    Reply
Isaac August 10, 2014

Good post. I have recently broken up with my ‘best friend’ of more than a decade and a half who, I discovered after the fact, is Narcissist. I started doing some research, and the more I did, the more everything started to fall into place. I tried so hard to make things right, and be understanding, and let things slide to not rock the boat, and yet, so much of the time it felt as if I was walking on eggshells, simply trying to maintain the status quo. And so much of the time, I now realise, he was deliberately playing me to keep me off-kilter.

One of his more alarming traits was his ability to twist things around so that even when I was trying to ask him to be accountable for his actions, he would somehow be able to get ME to apologise and praise HIM; I’d end up admitting conceding to my flaws (with him NEVER admitting his), and he would use that to justify his abusive, insulting and (passive) aggressive behaviour.

The thing that hit home in your post was the bit about the types of people who attract narcissists and whilst I don’t pretend to be a selfless angel(!), I do like to make sure other people are happy, and find it hard to relax if they’re not. And this makes it difficult to set boundaries as it means other people needs and moods are foregrounded, whilst mine take a backseat. Even though I have had some extreme challenges in my life in recent years – such as serious health issues and the death of my mother – I’d still want to make sure my ‘best friend’ was OK, and always shy away from offloading on him so he didn’t see me as a burden.

I think that I, and others who attract Narcissists, need to do a LOT of work on our boundary function. I know there were many times over the years, and even in the early days, when he said something which was hurtful, offensive, or simply unacceptable and I do wish that I had said something at the time. So understanding why I didn’t speak out at such obvious transgressions will definitely be part of my healing process.

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    Rechelle Brothers September 8, 2016

    Me too. I missed out on Alot of opportunities to stand up for myself. But I didn’t want to rock the boat. Wouldn’t matter anywAy. When I finally did, he would call me a baby or call me psycho

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Dakeeks February 27, 2014

I would have breakdowns once a month while dating a Narcissist and I’d never had a breakdown before dating him. It was all about him all the time and he’d constantly try to manipulate me (usually by playing games and trying to make me feel insecure). I felt a lack of humanity from him and a feeling of being used. It was a creepy feeling and I just couldn’t understand it — my psyche couldn’t either which lead to the breakdowns.

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    Kim Saeed February 27, 2014

    Dakeeks, I can relate. Honestly, I’ve met a lot of people in my life. Some have turned out to be dishonest and/or conniving, but I’ve never met anyone as twisted, evil, and pathological as my N-Ex (and his N-Sister). You were correct in observing that your Ex has no humanity. That’s actually one of the primary traits of a Narcissist. Not only do they have no conscience or morals, they actually enjoy causing strife and depression in others. It sounds as if you’ve left? Good for you. Thanks for stopping by 🙂

    Reply
      Mel February 25, 2017

      Narcissists ugh they are incomplete. The human component of them is missing.

      Reply

[…] Is There a Happy Ending with a Narcissist?. […]

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armyofangels2013 February 23, 2014

Great post Kim! In the aftermath and healing, my body changed…no more frequent illness and the arthritis that was tearing my body apart subsided…I always believed that stress contributed to health, but in the midst of abuse, I didn’t realize what was happening.

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    Kim Saeed February 23, 2014

    Army, thanks for sharing that! I used to suffer from panic attacks all the time when I was still in the relationship, as well as frequent bouts of fainting. I’m not really sure what caused the fainting, but it all stopped after I left.

    The big thing I still need to work on is emotional eating. I’ve gotten into the bad habit of eating to feel better when writing my blog posts…I believe some of the articles I write cause a bit of triggering. But, it’s a worthy cause 🙂

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Anonymous February 21, 2014

Very good article. I have basically said the same things in my book. Unfortunately not everyone believes it will not turn out good for them. For the first few years I had hoped against hope that I could be the one to change/fix a narcissist. It just cannot be. Thanks.
Joy Berke PhD

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    Kim Saeed February 23, 2014

    I know what you mean. I think part of that stems from the fact that not everyone knows they are dealing with a Narcissist until after they’ve been discarded or have escaped to save their sanity. That’s what happened to me. I only knew the relationship was toxic…I had no idea he had a personality disorder, I just thought he was really mean.

    Only after I’d left did I start the research about what happened. Now, it’s all clear as a bell. But you are correct in saying that many women believe theirs will be the one miraculous case where their partner’s disorder and abuse are magically cured. I’ve had many women admit that to me…

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      Anonymous August 16, 2015

      It’s scary isn’t it.. You are in a relationship with a person that you love… But who treats you so so terribly…. ( mine even instigated ( almost until I stopped it!) a sex tryst with a mate he had brought home after drinking) Too awful to discuss here…. Then he blamed me and ran after his mate to see if he was ok…

      Reply
        Kim Saeed August 25, 2015

        Anon, believe it or not, Narcs try to initiate these types of situations rather often. Requesting degrading sexual favors is another way to devalue and destroy their victims.

        Reply
midlandshouseofhealing February 21, 2014

Reblogged this on Midlands House of Healing and commented:
Empath vs Narcissist : interesting read.

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StrongerSoulSurvivor February 20, 2014

Thank you for this informative and thoughtful post. The central point that you make here is so important: we can work on ourselves, and that is often a good thing – as long as we realise that no change WE ever make is going to change the Narcissist.

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Kathy Lee February 20, 2014

Fantastic and stated so very well!!!! Thank you!! Your information on the Highly sensitive and empath is excellent. The part about being attracted like magnets is so very true. I would add that chronic stress, especially the severe stress from a narcissistic relationship is also proven to trigger autoimmune diseases. Getting out of these toxic relationships can reverse the damage and healing can take place. (Been there done that in the distant past). Thanks for your great work! Keep it up! There are so many out there who need this information.

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    Kim Saeed February 21, 2014

    Thank you for your input! You are correct in saying chronic stress can trigger autoimmune diseases…and getting out of the relationship can reverse the damage. In fact, I’ve written a few posts detailing how staying with a Narcissist can subtract years off of one’s life. However, with the right approach, we can heal the damage and add those years back! That’s why I take the holistic approach to recovery, which not only includes education about Narcissists, but what to do in order to heal both mentally and physically 🙂

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      AMS January 25, 2015

      I was with a very abusive narcissist for 12 years Kim, the abuse was just awful. I did leave him for good, after many times of trying. I later on discovered, that i had lupus. I can’t help but think, that triggered my disease somehow. My health has fallen, i had to stop work and stay home. I know the cause of this disease is not known and yes…there are triggers to this disease. I was just curious, as if anyone you may know, has been in a similar situation and diagnosed with a sickness or disease. you know, i wouldn’t be surprised to find out the two were connected, the abuse and disease. There is so little information about this, maybe someday we will know the answers to these questions.I know that because he demanded all the attention, I didn’t take care of myself like I should have…I couldn’t with him. It would be a doctor, who actually seen signs of abuse, when I went to see her.It led me to realize just how bad things were for me. It was the first step in the path to my freedom. I do however believe that the abuse and the constant stress, triggered my illness.

      Reply
Healing February 20, 2014

I’ve never heard of binaural beats. Do you just listen to them? I started to listen to the one from the link you posted above and the noise bothered me to the point of feeling a panic attack come on. I had to shut it off! It just reminded me of that “emergency broadcast” tone. Am I missing something? LOL. I want to use them the proper way as I’ll take all the healing I can. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned on your site before about click tracks…these have helped me a lot with the C-PTSD memories…they are free: http://www.pstec.org.

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    Kim Saeed February 20, 2014

    Healing,

    Some people are sensitive to binaurals. That’s why they are often “padded” with other sounds such as rainfall or other ambient sounds. I usually have to turn the volume down to a tolerable level when listening to binaurals, unless I’m listening to alpha while I’m working.

    Thanks for offering the click tracks! Everyone has different ways of healing, so perhaps they will help others as they have helped you 🙂

    Reply
    cadkinson35 March 29, 2015

    I got my number change but with me having 3 kids with him it’s hard but when I try to pull away and and do no contact cause I am real good at that and he comes around I get weak cause this man is all I know and having sex is not good for me either Ian his wife now he treats me like the other woman I don’t like that shot at all frfr how can I get back to were I was and show him I am on a different level please respond cause this is hard but Ian getting better when we talk he says I don’t wanna do right he is really stupid cause I have been a good wife he is so immature frfr and never wants to take responsibility like a real man a husband he said he has filed for divorce and he put 100 dollars down but I know he is lieing cause a divorce lawyer retainer fee is like 500 and up he does stuff to hurt me and says stuff to hurt me I don’t like that at all please help me get back to were I was cause I have 4 kids that need me and when I am down and out my kids suffer I just got one thing to do down here in this town for my son and I can finally leave this place and start a better life frfr he said he is moving to TX this week with that girl but how long do relationships that start off bad last when they cheat on there spouse with the other person!!!! Thxs for listening

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sq101 February 20, 2014

Great post. I think there are different kinds of them, it’s not always the grandstander, sometimes it’s the lets see how much pity I can get. I’m taking your advice, I found someone who practices Reiki here and I did a betar table today that was very therapeutic, appointment for reiki tomorrow!

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    Kim Saeed February 21, 2014

    Great! I think you will be very pleased with the results from Reiki, as well as continued brainwave entrainment. Personally, I have found these to be more effective than any counselor…although it may be that I just didn’t find the right one.

    Yes, there are definitely different kinds of Narcissists. I tend to write mostly about malignant Narcissists because that’s where most of my experience lies, but perhaps I should stop discriminating 🙂

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Teela Hart February 20, 2014

Powerful post Kim. It is extremely difficult to even begin to pick up the pieces. I had to believe and buy into the fact that I did not deserve the treatment I was receiving before I could entertain the thought of leaving my abuser.

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    Kim Saeed February 23, 2014

    Teela, I can totally relate to your statement, ” I had to believe and buy into the fact that I did not deserve the treatment”. I remember my Ex often telling me straight up that I deserved not only his cruel mistreatment of me, but any other bad things that happened to me, as well. After 8 years, I believed it on a subconscious level. These people are sick and twisted.

    I’m glad you got out of it, too. You deserve all good things…

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      Teela Hart February 23, 2014

      Thank you Kim, we do deserve good things.
      Your post is really right on the nose. If I knew how the press this button works, I would have pressed it. It’s extremely informative and enlightening. Thank you for being so good at what you do.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed February 23, 2014

        😀 {feeling all warm and fuzzy}

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          Teela Hart February 23, 2014

          🙂 Do you know how to do it? Or did we have this conversation already?

          Reply
secretangel February 20, 2014

I totally agree with you!!

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    Kim Saeed February 20, 2014

    🙂

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    Penny McCarthy September 22, 2014

    I am once again torn! the accounts are split, the separation in the works, but after a nice night , after convincing me that continuing to do things with the kids : family stuff” I am once again doubting if I am doing the right thing. The weight loss, the nervousness and doubt go on and on like torture , someone please help! don’t want to leave my big beautiful house and keep giving my girls false hope with this toxic on again ,off again cycle of do I stay or do I go . I know in my head it is the right thing, but my heart says ??? they have that way of pulling on ur heart strings and mind, but I know it will not last . Don’t want to end up in the mental ward.

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      secretangel September 22, 2014

      I totally understand. I have been there. I wrote in my book about those “bungee cords” that keep pulling us back into these toxic relationships. I pray that God will guide you and give you the strength to do as God leads. It is not easy… but we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. God bless you, Penny!!

      Reply
      Anonymous August 28, 2015

      Soul suckers

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        Mel February 25, 2017

        You are so right anonymous cosmic vampires. thieves, demons, horrible, horrible people.

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      Veronica December 6, 2015

      Hi Penny, how are things? How are you coping? I’m in the same boat ? I have 2 boys, threating me to take the house away etc. my emotions are all over the place.
      Let me know how you getting on please.
      Lots of love
      Veronica

      Reply
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