When You Let the Narcissist Back Into Your Life

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Jun 11

Doses as low as 0.1ml have been shown to be fatal; however, signs of poisoning begin showing after months of initial contact, which is definitely too late for any kind of treatment…

Wait a minute!  Isn’t this post about what happens when you let the Narcissist back into your life?

Yes.  Yes it is.

You are probably here because your Narcissist has shown signs of remorse.  They’ve admitted their mistakes, promised to change, professed their undying love, and perhaps even agreed to counseling.  I’m no genie or fortune-teller, but I can predict with 100% certainty that you will discover within a week (or less) that their confession and promises are all lies.

I know they seem convincing, but I have yet to learn of a happy ending after someone let the Narc run back into his or her forgiving arms.  We hope for a better future and brush the abuse under the rug, chalking it up to human error.

The reality is that being in love with a Narcissist is like a slow poison.  Their “love” is a covert killer, effective in minuscule amounts and undetectable.  He or she may as well be adding a quarter teaspoon of arsenic to your morning joe.  In the same way as the lion tamer is eventually killed by the lion, there is no happy ending with a Narcissist.

Whether your overt Narcissist is in the phase of discarding you or you’ve informed them of your intention to leave, he or she will be back.  Unfortunately, this has nothing to do with love.  It’s simply because they haven’t yet secured a new source of supply and/or they are going through withdrawal from not getting enough supply and they need a fix.  This is when you see the person from the beginning of the relationship.  They will say and do anything to get you back, promising you everything you ever wanted.

The sad part is we fall for it, effectively giving them a fresh round of tyrannical power over us.  The Narcissist has no intention of keeping any of their promises.  In the same way a drug addict robs a store or walker-by for money, the Narcissist will use cunning behavior to entice you back into the relationship.  If the romantic act doesn’t work, they may resort to more drastic measures such as threatening to hurt themselves and/or saying “I can’t live without you”.

Since the Narcissist knows you better than anyone, they know how to make you feel sorry for them.  This results in crazy- making phases of the two of you separating followed by the “ecstasy” of reconciling.  Once you forgive them, they immediately revert back to their evil ways.  After falling victim to this scam repeatedly, you begin to experience stomach pain, loss of appetite, mental confusion, irritability, excitability, irregular or rapid heartbeat…

Antidote:

Establish a “No Contact” rule. This doesn’t mean simply ignoring their phone calls until you’re sure they’re suffering from a broken heart and then letting them back into your life because you think they’ve had an epiphany, been anointed by the Love Gods, and were shown the error of their ways by a flock of angels who parted the clouds and touched down upon the earth.  That may have happened to you, but it will never happen to the Narcissist.  In fact, if an angel did try to approach the Narcissist, he or she would swat the divine spirit down like an annoying fly

Nope, it’s best to get out while you can by implementing No Contact, which is a military defense tactic and consists of the following:

  • Blocking him or her from your phone, email, and social networks.  If necessary, change the number on your cell and home phones.
  • Don’t agree to meet them, in private or public.  If they come by your home, don’t acknowledge them.
  • Don’t accept any friend requests on social networks from people with no photo or whose profile is brand new.
  • If the two of you have been living together in your residence, pack up their things and arrange to have them delivered to the Narc by a third party.  Don’t give them any reason to come back to your home.
  • If the two of you have mutual friends, it’s likely that you will need to cut ties with them because the Narc will use them to extract information about you and/or wage a smear campaign against you.  (Use your best judgment.  This isn’t always necessary, but be on the lookout for red flags).
  • Don’t allow self-sabotage to set in.  It’s highly likely you will begin to miss your Narc and go through emotional “withdrawal”.  Don’t fool yourself into thinking the Narc feels the same way.
  • These steps will need to be modified if you have children together, but you should at least plan on getting a mediator…and the sooner the better.

Still not convinced?  Perhaps this article, Is There a Happy Ending With a Narcissist?, will save you from the slow poison of the Narcissist’s lethal love.

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(18) comments

[…] you give in to the urge to accept the narcissist back into your life, the only thing you’ll get in return is the temporary high from thinking the fantasy will come […]

Reply
MLS March 24, 2017

Please help me process this. He left me two years ago and made virtually no genuine attempt toward reconciliation and I discovered he was still using porn during that time….old addictions I wouldn’t stand for. I begged, pleaded, pursued him, prayed, sent podcasts and bible verses, found counselors, on and on and on. I finally filed for divorce and gave up. I am finally over him two years later. I don’t want him anymore. And THIS is when he tells me he “doesn’t want to lose me.” I found out he is estranged from every other significant person in his life and even lost his job due to…him.
I don’t trust him. I don’t think that could ever be possible again. I just…need someone to help me understand why this is not likely to be a genuine heart change. Please.

Reply
Gloria October 16, 2016

Spot on about being reading or watching videos so much about the NPD behaviors and corrosive tactics. I was wondering if I was the only one who felt more sick and an overall unease after listening to the many videos on NPDs. Please don’t get me wrong, I thank God for the videos for helping me realize that I was not crazy for the way I was feeling during my recent relationship with my ex-narc. boyfriend. The information shared on YouTube have taught me much about myself and why I fell for the love bombing in the early days after we met and why I endured his lies, deceitfulness and abusive actions toward me for so long. God bless the people who are sharing their experiences on the internet ~ they have helped me greatly on my road of recovery! Thanks for letting me share.

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Irad Mulqueeny September 13, 2016

What if the Narc is your mother and family members think you’re exaggerating by no contact… and I feel pressure and remorse but also know this is not a good idea

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Laurie December 13, 2015

I have had NO CONTACT with my Narcissist for 9 months…out of the blue he calls and leaves a message that “we are fine, we had that item, a falling out but he holds not intensity on that” yada, yada , yada so I blocked him and used a message service so that the number he calls says it’s out of service (I set this up for blocked numbers and any new numbers I don’t recognize). I work for a bank so how can I continue no contact if he just stops in. He has done this in the past and I am polite because that is my job. Do I lock myself in the bathroom? Do I leave? How do I handle no contact when he can just show up at my work?
Why wouldn’t just telling him to leave me alone, I am no longer interested work?

Reply
    Gloria October 16, 2016

    Is he stalking you at work? My ex-narc showed up at my job one morning. He didn’t say a word, just stood in front of me with arms crossed and glared at me – it was very creepy to say the least. I decided to quit my job because I became afraid of what he might do the next time he felt I had offended him. He became very unpredictable. I was advised to get a restraining order against him to discourage him from stalking me.

    Reply
Narc Victim June 1, 2015

This is not true at all (that they always come back)! It’s been more than 8 months since the discard and he has blocked me on all social network, blocked my phone (probably deleted it too, probably changed his own phone). Does this look like the behavior of someone wanting to come back? It’s not that I am hopeful or anything, just saying.

Reply
    Kim Saeed June 6, 2015

    Narc Victim, the type of Narc that usually comes back is the overt Narcissist – the kind that stalks, harasses, and never gives up. Kind of like the Energizer Bunny. However, it can sometimes be a few years before they come back.

    It could also depend on what kind of smear campaign he’s waging. If he’s trying to make you out to be the reason for the breakup, that may explain why he’s blocked you.

    Reply
      Cat May 29, 2017

      For sure it can happen. An overt narc ex-boyfriend who tried to pull me into a harem situation, ie. several women and five kids he had with them, got in touch with me after 20 years via LinkedIn.
      It had been an absolutely evil situation. I didn’t respond and he didn’t pursue, but I was shocked at the ego and the way he pretended we were old friends. He acted as though we’d just been together the previous week.

      Reply
    Lm November 15, 2016

    Mine came back after 3 1/2 years! I fell for whatbhe had to say i spent a year with him….i left him 3 weeks ago and had to endure the pain am healing all over again! Trust me…soon as u heal he will come back! Stay away

    Reply
exploreredrose June 14, 2014

Reblogged this on exploreredrose and commented:
I think this applies to Narcissistic Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, Friend, Employer, Neighbour…And not just your Narcissistic Partner.

Reply
EYES_WIDE_OPEN June 11, 2014

No contact is the only way to go!!!! Every story is the same and any one of us could have written it. For me – the writing on the wall became crystal clear and i snapped. Cut the N right out of my life like a tumor. Ahhhhhhhhh……..

Reply
    Kim Saeed June 12, 2014

    Kudos to you! No Contact really is the secret sauce to moving forward. So glad you have moved on 🙂

    Reply
Amanda June 11, 2014

So I let my narc back in after two years, and now that I’m back where he wants me he disappears. I’m so tired but I’m not strong … It’s been 10 years of yoyo

Reply
    Kim Saeed June 14, 2014

    Amanda, you may have made an error in letting him back into your life, but the good news is that every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around…

    Reply
Sofia Leo June 11, 2014

No Contact is a proven cure – been narc-free for 1.5 years 🙂

Reply

Yep – I bought into this scam a couple of times. The first time my Ex tried to end our marriage was in 2006. I was so brainwashed by him that I moved out of the house, the house I owned before I met him. We lived apart from 1/2006 – 2/2008 and then we agree to give it another go — he agreed. I can recall, after having moved back, walking through Stop & Shop him putting his arm around me, kissing the side of my head and saying, “I cannot believe you took me back after everything I put you through…” He even gave me a new wedding ring as a sign that he had changed an that our marriage mattered — that he was going to give it everything he had.

BULLSHIT!!!!

By Feb 2009 I was moving out, again (!) because he went right back to his usual behaviors, ignoring me, passive/aggressive behavior, push pull on and on it went…

It has been 2 years and 3 months since I have been away from him and his pathology and I do not miss it one bit. I am so glad he is out of my life and I am away from his crazy making behavior.

Ladies, don’t buy into their lies — they say they are going to change but really it’s just a power play to get you back into their lives so they can continue to snuff out your light.

Reply
Sunshine June 11, 2014

So true on all counts!

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