angry narcissist 2

FAQ Friday – 5 Common Questions About the Common Narcissist

1)       When Does the Narcissist go No Contact?

The Narcissist doesn’t go No Contact.  They either implement the Silent Treatment or discard you.

When the Narcissist starts ignoring you, blocking you, and leaving for a couple of weeks at the time (or more), it’s his/her way of forcing you to comply and accept abusive behavior patterns.  For instance, it usually happens when you point out unfairness, confront them about cheating, or express your displeasure at something they’ve said or done.  The Silent treatment is a manipulative tool the Narcissist uses when the relationship is ongoing.  Further, they are usually grooming new supply during this time.

If the Narcissist has found a new source of supply, they will discard you, but oftentimes, it isn’t a final discard.  At this point, they might admit they’ve found someone new, or simply leave without explanation and may begin to block you from contacting them.  However, this isn’t No Contact.  It’s an act of rejection because they feel they can’t feed off of you anymore, have simply grown bored and need new stimulation, or feel icky and need to clean up the mess they created.

Discard

~ Image by George Lois

Imagine yourself at a park.  You’re walking through, enjoying the great weather when all of a sudden you step in a pile of dog dung.  You feel disgusted, grossed out, and your only thoughts are how you can get rid of the mess and the unpleasant smell.  That’s how the Narcissist feels when they start discarding you.  They don’t want to deal with the mess of their partner’s emotions, crying, and requests for fidelity and normal relationship dynamics.

It’s important to remember there’s nothing wrong with you.  The Narcissist does whatever the voice in their head (ego) tells them to do.  Think of them as a psychological serial killer.  They really can’t control themselves.

2)      Can a Narcissist learn to “re-love” a spouse or significant other?

The Narcissist isn’t interested in learning anything with the exception of improving tools of control and manipulation.  Besides, if you’re in or have been in a relationship with a Narcissist, the only love that exists is one-sided, meaning only you feel love emotions.

From the Narcissist’s point of view, it’s all about comfort, convenience, doing whatever they please, and being afforded the free will of hunting for new supply.  This explains why they are almost always caught cheating.  Even if they haven’t been discovered, they still do it because they know that every relationship they enter into will come to an end, whether it’s their choice or because their target can’t tolerate the abuse any longer.

3)       How does the Narcissist feel when you go No Contact?

Panicked and/or pissed.

If the Narcissist hasn’t successfully lined up new supply when you go No Contact, they panic.  Narcissists must have a source of supply for their survival.  That’s why many times they will hoover to get you back, but then end up discarding you later after they secure acceptable supply.

angry narcissist 2Alternately, the Narcissist will be extremely angry that you took away their perceived power.  How dare you?  They are the one running the show, and you need to understand your place…which is another reason they hoover and then eventually discard you.

Accepting the Narcissist back in after breaking No Contact will ONLY lead to more pain and misery for you.  There is no other outcome.

4)       How can I reach the Narcissist’s real self?

A Narcissist doesn’t have a real self.  They only have ego.  That’s why nothing you say or do can change their perspective, because they aren’t capable of seeing any other perspective except that of their ego.  I’m not talking about conceit, selfishness, or greed.  They live solely from ego.  And they will do and say whatever is necessary to preserve it.

Narcissists operate from a somewhat reptilian brain, and they have many different adaptations that allow them to live in society.  Similar to some species of lizards, Narcissists use head-bobbing and other assertive, aggressive, courtship and greeting displays.  Their primary drive is to establish and defend territory (ego).  They are tyrannical to the extreme, even though this is often camouflaged in their interactions with society and romantic partners.

Experiment:  Visit a local pet store.  Locate a reptile.  Try to reach its true self.  Whatever result you achieve will be similar to an attempt to reach a Narcissist’s “true self”.

reptile 2

 

5)       How can I get a Narcissist to forgive me?

Forgive you for what?  Did you try to establish a healthy boundary, ask for respect, or lash out because they were abusive?

Narcissists aren’t capable of forgiveness.  Every interaction they have is a battle of will.  Even if they give the appearance that they’ve forgiven you, you can bet they are exacting revenge behind the scenes.  Heck, even if they don’t forgive you, they will get revenge.

Remember how you ate the last crab leg seven years ago on one of your first dates?  I’m sure you don’t.  But they do.  And they’ve been finding ways to make you pay ever since.

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32 comments on “FAQ Friday – 5 Common Questions About the Common Narcissist

  1. Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:
    Kim nails it again! Believe me, they can be (appear) heart broken, beg you back, promise you the world, have tears streaming down their face and a ring in their hand, be down on one knee and the only thing they are thinking is “I am going to make this bitch pay for having the audacity to leave me before I could destroy her.”

  2. Excellent, Kim, Excellent!

    A therapist I had decades ago told me once that my husband wasn’t going to change, and that “if he coulda’, he woulda’.” But that’s about all she was able to tell me about him. I’ve always wondered if she didn’t recognize him for what he was (I suspect that she did after some joint sessions but that’s another long story) or that licensed therapists are bound by some rules that don’t allow them to say certain things. I’ve always suspected the latter. Another professional told me once, when I was going through the typical postulation of “how will I use what I have learned to redeem all of this”, that I really did not want to become a therapist myself because there were going to be things I could say as a non-therapist that I would not be allowed to say if I became a licensed therapist.

    Anyway, it’s only been in the past five years or so that I’ve become aware of narcissism and started reading and educating myself. All along, I’d been holding out for change, believing in miracles, trying to establish healthy boundaries, and asking for respect–all if this on eggshells because no matter how respectfully or carefully I did this, I was accused of lashing out in anger and being abusive to him.

    Did it really take me all this time to finally accept that change is not possible for him? Or, had I read what you just wrote some twenty or thirty years ago, if I knew then what I know now about narcissism, would I have been able to make different choices than I did? I will never know. I still cannot regret what I did for my family (more long stories–it’s beyond just our kids). There is no way to measure what might have been, or whether our sons would have been better off living in poverty with a single mom or living as they did–with mom and dad still together but in this wretched kind of relationship.

    I am certain at this point, however, that the best thing I can do for the kids and grandkids and the rest of my extended family is to have my own life at last, and let them see what that looks like, and let us all discover what our relationships will be when I am not under the thrall of this N and not being constantly hoovered in and then sucked dry. Our youngest son told me one day recently, “Mom, for my whole life your and dad’s relationship has been a train wreck. It would be nice, some time in my life, to see it end.”

    So here I am, nearly fifty years in to this marriage, and having sacrificed for him over and over, and having reaped what he has sown over and over, finally getting it that he is never going to change. The well-meaning “church ladies” can say what they will.

    I liked your story about the lizard–it reminds me of something I learned in 12-step rooms years ago. Trying to get them to change is “like trying to teach a pig to sing. It doesn’t work and it annoys the pig.” I have said that to myself, and I have said it to others. Yet in my heart of hearts, I was buying into his increasingly convincing façade, wanting to believe that this was change, that somehow this was his real self, that somehow this was growth. My gut knew better, but I didn’t want to listen. What my gut is telling me now is to be careful, be very careful, in executing my exit strategy, because as long as I am still here, he isn’t panicked or pissed–yet.

    • Mary Lee, Don’t concern yourself with “the Church ladies” because UNTIL they have walked in your shoes, they can’t imagine the hell that you have endured. I too was married to a narcissist (for 9 years) until I had enough and got out. I struggled at first with guilt for ending my marriage, falsely thinking that I didn’t have “just grounds.” The person who changed my mind was a priest of all people! (I am not Catholic, but an evangelical Christian). What he said to me reverberated me to reality. He said “From what you have told me, it appears that your husband NEVER took on the vows of marriage.” You see, a husband is to love his wife and give himself up to her, like Christ has done for the Church. (See Ephesians 5:25 for the reference). My ex refused to wear his wedding ring (even after buying a second one that was more “comfortable”); would go “out” on Friday nights wearing cologne and not telling me where he was going/what he was doing; and he seldom if EVER thanked me for anything or showed his appreciation. Ask yourself this: How often (if ever) does my husband practice “perfect love” to me? 1 Cor 13:4-6 tells us what it should look like. “Love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up. It is not rude, IT IS NOT SELF-SERVING, it is not easily angered or resentful. It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth. Vs 7 bears all things; believes all things; hopes all things; endures all things (this verse is about other people’s reputation). That we bear their bad deeds without broadcasting them to the world. In a reciprocal, loving relationship, this is pretty easy to uphold. It is not so easy in a repeative abusive relationship. The point of me bringing up these scriptures is to demonstrate what perfect love and charity looks like. Both husband and wife need to PRACTICE these virtues for the relationship to grow and thrive. My ex wasn’t a Christian and knew nothing of these virtues. I, in essence was un-equally yoked to him. Fast forward 18 years later (post divorce) and I am re-married to a Godly, Christian man who PRACTICES these virtues each and every day! My Ex (Narc) has remained un-married and is still secretive; conniving; and selfish. Don’t WASTE another day staying with “the child of the devil!”) Read the Gospel of 1st John to understand the difference. God wants his beloved to live in peace; to experience joy; and to be whole so that we can be a blessing to others. When you live with oppression; un-fairness; condemnation; selfishness; and manipulation you will either a) take on these negative characteristics yourself (you fuse with your abuser) or b) will be reduced to a shadow of your former self. We look to the person most closest to us for affirmation; love; and worth. Narcissists steal your “worth” and suck you dry. You are rendered empty and void of anything worth giving to others because how can you GIVE others what you no longer possess? A Narc will use you/abuse you until you take your last final breath, then they will be angry at you for leaving them!

  3. “…the COMMON narcissist…”
    Zing. What a perfect way to get a narc’s goat. After all, they’re all of a kind!

    I wish I’d understood this better when I was the target of a narc on the job — that narcissistic abuse is a clear and widespread syndrome. Thankfully, good instincts and good ethics helped to see me through until I could save myself.

    The ultimate answer to tyrants is a long, deep belly laugh. And boy howdy, does it piss ‘em off.

    • Beth, ha ha…I didn’t think about it from that perspective, but now that you mention it, it’s rather comical :) You’re right, though…while they are thinking they are unique, 95% of them are cookie-cutter. They all say and do the same things.

      I like your approach to tyranny! LOL :D

      • Wow, Kim, thanks for the reply and the kind words!

        I can’t claim to practice that rebellious attitude as much as I ought (or would like) to do…but at least I can now laugh inwardly at the pathetic and unoriginal tactics used by the narc I worked for. What a relief it has been to realize that malignant narcs actually are all of a kind.

        Your work on this blog has been a real help to me. I thank you.

  4. Mary Lee, I just wanted to say Good luck and God bless you and keep you safe. Fifty years is enough, it is never too late to choose to be happy. You are a strong woman and you can do this, but do be careful!!
    It sounds like you have great kids and a son who loves you very much; they deserve to see their mom happy.
    Big hugs to you.
    Carrie

  5. I have to say THANK YOU, all for leaving these posts and these articles, experiences etc. I left my husband after eight years and couldn’t understand what the hell happened, I was reading up on overprotective mothers ( mother inlaw from hell) and came across the word ” narcissistic”. It has changed my life, I read and read and dug into this and discovered not only was my mother inlaw this way, but now my husband. The stories were identical, so much so, I was wondering how on earth could someone know what happened to me. I am two years out of my divorce and starting to heal, thanks to now knowing what a sociopath is and that “yes” I was married to one. No point in sharing my story, as it is the same as everyone else’s. Just wanted to say thanks, for helping me understand and heal.

  6. Pingback: FAQ Friday – What is a Narcissist Thinking When They Discard You? | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  7. Before I discovered narcissism, I always knew there was something off with my ex. Often searched online for mother-son incest dynamics, something between them never sat well with me. Over 30, living with mom, calls her by her name, verbally abusive with her etc. What really made my hair raise was when I saw a porn magazine out in the open, who leaves such a thing for their mother to see???…anyway once he started directing his rage at me and saw he was treating me like he does his mother, I knew I was in deep waters. But I was in love by then, single mother, no family support, he was the world to me and boy did he exploit that. Anyway the story is all the same I hung in there hoping he would change, hoping the good guy I once fell in love with would return he never did!!..by the end I lost myself while he was living his life single and free. He adapted my ideas, my ambition and used it to obtain supply. He’d tell the OW that he felt sorry for me and he stuck around for my son because he was already attached…(never lifted more than two fingers to help me raise my child)..its was all a ploy of course to make him look like a savior. At the end he did his final discard of me and I moved far far away. Found narcissism online, never been the same since.!!… He’s hoovered of course after 10+ years of putting up with his crap he thought I would fall back. I was the one who finally ended it, if it were up to him he would be in mylife. But I had to make the hard decision of walking away. There’s no magic pill to get over the pain but once you realize they are the ones who are doomed to be miserable it makes it easier. I don’t regret my ex narc, he taught me how to love me!!…off the dating scene for now but everyday I grow stronger. I have my moments where I feel sad for the man I thought he was, and for the narc he truly is. But I go back online read stories and I feel good again. A year later he’s still womanizing, torturing his new victim, and still looking to get with me. After a while they become so predictable and textbook its pretty sad. I was always creative and artistic, qualities he cant pay for, but he took that from me. Today I’m working on getting the real authentic me back. On learning how to deal with my deep dark issues that allowed a predator to stay in my life so long. Its feels great to know that I have good love to give (he chose me becuase of it)and one day a deserving man will reep the benefits of my passion!!..I’m not looking for revenge or anything from my ex. I’m living by the good ole “the best revenge is a life well lived”. As a victim I’ve learned online that I can’t blame myself, I was chosen by the Narc. Today I’m learning compassion for myself and learning how to set strong boundaries.

    • *I have to point put that Im no longer in love with the Narc..it took a very long, lonely, painful road to get to this point. Long before I knew about Malignant Narcissism I began the process of emotionally distancing myself from him, his nastiness, ridiculing, no emotions, no love making (it was one sided I felt like a prostitute), and more. Just forced me to pull away, he would change briefly cuddled me, spend money, etc. And would fall back, but as time passed those brief moments would become minuscule, he would revert back to being nasty almost right away. Towards the end(before I knew narcissism)… I would constantly call him out on his mood swings, I would call him bitchy and warn him that I was sick of his crap…I grew to appreciate his discards and silent treatment. Used those times to work out, connect with myself ,focus on my child..at those times when he left and I knew he was with OW, I’d feel moments of relief. I’d sleep better, feel happy.
      At the end of our “relationship”‘(being used very loosely), I learned more and more of his betrayals(sexually deviant) he committed with people I love. Amongst many he offered my sister sex. He was a covert narc, the worst of their kind. But thank God by the time I found out of his betrayal, i’d already learned about this life long , debilitating disease called Narcissism. I suffered of course, my own sister betrayed me ,by withholding this information, thinking she was protecting me from pain, when she was helping the perpetrator. But I know now for sure she was just another victim of his. She didn’t know, as I didn’t fully comprehend the monster he is. I forgive my sister because I know she loves me and she demonstrates it to me everyday. Him on the other hand , didn’t waste my time confronting him, for what???.The truth just helped complete my getting over him. I know now for sure who he is, as a covert only God knows what horrible acts he’s committed against women and children. And got lucky, to be able to find out, at least one of his horrible acts. The good news is today, none of that matters anymore. I am learning what a wonderful person I am. And more than that I’ve learned about my gifts and talents!!..I discoverd I’m an empath!!..I dreamed most of his betrayals long before I knew they were true!!..my guts ,my instincts were all on red alert during my time with the Narc, I just didn’t trust myself…but today I am working on developing my gifts and fullfilling my life’s
      Purpose on this earth!!…Thanks to your blog, Lisa Scott, and others , I’m inspired to tell my story and help men and women come out of their Narc chains. I want to upload self help videos on how to use the silent treatment periods to get yourself right!!

      • ***one more point I have to stress…I was very protective of my child around him..my child was the one thing he knew he could not hurt(ferocious mother lion)…I taught my child early NOBODY not even mommy touches his privates!!!!..-again my instincts were always on red alert…I felt uncomfortable when a pubescent girl was around him…and now I know why..there was a predator in the room my Narc!!!
        Again I can not stress enough how important it is to get to the bottom of your fears and painful past…I’m still dealing with the aftermath of having a silent predator in my home, in my life undectected. And as an empath the pain is intense!!..but I recommend going through that pain…as it has helped me heal. Thank you again.

      • La Marlo, I can relate to everything you’ve written today. I, too, have taken the soul lesson from it and am using my experience to teach and help others heal. I’ve learned one must be ready for it, though…

    • Your input has literally made my day. Do you mind if I make a blog post out of this? I can keep it anonymous, or add your name, either way. It’s just that your experiences and mine are very similar. And it seems as an Empath, you were able to take the lesson from it…I could go on, but it would turn into an entire chapter.

      • Yes Kim!!..of course you can post my story.(anonymously)…I would be honored!..yes I would love to do guest submissions, I have so much to say about my experience..especially being puertorican ,Narcissism is so normal in our culture its pretty horrific. I would love to reach women and men that are afraid to speak out for fear of shame…today I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin..I have the urge, the itch to help..so much passion inside of me, I’m bursting!!!..yes I am 100 percent ready to help as many as I can..thank you again Kim!

      • Hi Kim ..I wonder if I fan make done very minor changes to my story before you reblog???after reading again wish I had the option to edit…would of kept some things more ambiguous..know what I mean??..especially my screen name previously ..should of never used it, very fresh for me and I just poured out the typing from the heart without thinking a bit more through as to what specifics to say.such as my very well known to my ex screen name. Wish I could delete this entry after you read it..lol

      • You can certainly edit it. I won’t do anything you are uncomfortable with! In fact, if you’ve changed your mind, I will understand. I found your input very insightful, but you just let me know how you’d like to proceed :)

  8. All of your posts on this topic are so accurate, based on my personal and admittedly anecdotal experience. Most important is the idea of the new source of supply. Narcissists do tend to go through many relationships — some long term, but they always end. Once mine got my commitment (engagement), he morphed into a different human being. Gone was the solicitous courting. Now my every female reaction to his coldness became a liability. I believe many male narcissists are repressed homosexuals. They would be healthier, were they to embrace their sexual preferences, rather than trying to overcome them. Mine clearly hates women, starting with his mother and his sister. He was always trying to win his mother’s love, but she preferred his sister. She even put him in a dress once at the age of four, when he wanted to play with his sister and her friends (they are only 11 months apart in age). Every psychologist here, knows what the ramifications of that kind of bad parenting are likely to be.

    When I finally had enough and found someone else, he panicked. First came spying and invading my privacy in such a thorough way that no one would even believe me, that he was capable of such extreme violation. Then came fury and destruction of my property and my reputation. Finally came the needy plea to take him back. Then, when it was clear I was done, he turned to the netherworld to find a new and very desperate victim, as his next source. Whom, of course, he elevated to being the most beautiful, brilliant, amazing woman on earth, and me by comparison a horrible, withered, ugly old crone. He really believed it. It was remarkable.

    Thanks for reminding me, Kim! It has been 20 years, I still have him in my life even though I moved on. That old gum on the bottom of my shoe, still … I need to be reminded of why I left and how important it is to block off any possible contact.

    • You know, Beth…that’s an angle I never considered, but now that you’ve mentioned it, it makes sense. What’s even more bizarre is that I was told a similar story about my Ex during his childhood.

      The spying and invading of privacy is almost the hardest to handle. Mainly because we were under constant surveillance for no good reason. It almost makes one feel dirty even though one’s done nothing wrong. The fury…the smear campaign. I don’t think about those things a lot anymore, but when they were happening it was very disconcerting. The part about being a withered old crone made me laugh. They are so predictable. Mine did the same…told me his girlfriend(s) said I looked old, etc. That no one would want me because I’m in my 40’s. So juvenile, really.

      I think we both stepped on the same gum :)

  9. I have just gotten out of a Narc relationship. I am feeling pretty good, a sigh of refief since it has been going on for 2 and 1/2 years (I know not long but we were together when young and when he was not full blown). I fell for it all hook line and sinker. My best friend, even my 90 year old mother told me I was not treated right but I had just come out of a divorce and it felt good and safe. HA!! We only have ourselves to save us. They won;t change, but we CAN…that is my saving grace. I can change me…he will always be him. I need to say that I have been on the receiving end of some pretty vile verbal abuse and one night I couldn;t take his mouth and I hauled off and slapped him in the face, he continued, I slapped him again and then he shut up…he was indignanat since no one in his life had done that…I also am the only one who has ever told him NO. Since that day, almost 6 months ago I have never heard the end of me being a pyscho physical abuser who has a vile temper, am crazy, insecure. and have tunnel vision because I only see my perspective and not his…he even threatened to have me arrested for assault..I am 5’8″ tall and weigh 123 lbs and my Dad was a cop, so I told him call the police…I ‘ll even turn myself in if it will make you happy..it would be worth the look on the cops faces when this 5″8 skinny woman slapped this 5’9″ mans face for calling her vile stuff that I won’t repeat. I am out….and to this the universe has seen fit to punish him…be careful because someone is always listening. He now suffes from tunnel vision and now needs eye surgery. What a sense of humor my deceased father has sending this ailment down to teach my Narc a lesson….thanks Dad…I know when the pass and are up in heaven their perspective changes and they see things here in a whole new light. My Dad sees his alcoholism caused trouble for me and our relationship and he now watches over me and takes care of me from the other side. Have hope ladies you are all strong (even when you think you can;t be…you can) and you can chnage you and go on to a better existence…the Narc can’t, they have to keep finding new sources of supply…have pity on those in their path.

    • Dear D,

      Thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your story. By the way, I bet you’re not the only one who got tired of the nasty verbal assaults and hauled off/put the Narc in their place. In fact, I snapped a time or two before I left. I guess that was another sign for me to leave because anyone who knows me knows I’m not the kind of person who uses aggression. I’ve always been the mediator/peace-maker/advice-giver…

      Yes, Karma has a great way of delving out due course. I’m glad you are able to see signs from God/Universe. :) Indeed, we can change and use the experience to become better people, meaning having the ability to experience joy and happiness.

  10. Hi Kim

    I have been reading every article and post possible for the past couple of weeks.
    I am almost back to my” being me” again. I have always been the nurturer, peacekeeper, empathetic and compassionate friend.
    after dating a N for 4 months, everything a I learned about them is real and I now realize that the relationship I was in before this guy for 7 years on again off again, was the EXACT PERSONALITY.
    my inquiry is this:
    What in the world did these lost souls do to deserve a life so demeaning, unfullfilled and so void if love. Isnt LOVE the center core of ALL living things?
    Im not defending their behavior in any way, but I feel so much sadness that any human being has to live this way by what sounds like of an unconditional circumstance of when they were young and innocent.
    can you give me some insight on how a once complete soul cant be complete again after being severely damaged ?

    • Bren, thank you for reading my blog and for reaching out.

      I believe Narcs come from one of three scenarios: 1) Born that way, 2) turned into one because of a painful childhood, or 3) had overly permissive parents who never taught them accountability and praised them for everything.

      #s 1 and 3 don’t know love or empathy and probably never will. #2 may have as a child, but because of severe emotional trauma, lost their capacity for empathy and love. The curious part to this type of Narc is that other children who experience equally traumatic childhoods grow up to be empathic nurturers and healers.

      If you’re wondering about the spiritual aspect of it, I believe we are going through a global awakening and Narcs are here to wake us up to our higher selves, but we have to hit rock bottom and experience the soul-shattering that goes along with being in a relationship with them. Only then do we analyze our lives and make the decision to heal our souls and become enlightened. Whether they will receive good or bad Karma I don’t know. I suppose that depends on if they chose to be a Narcissist in order to be a catalyst for people to go through this awakening. Or, if they are simply evil for evil’s sake, then karma will indeed come for them eventually.

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