7 Things Your Narcissist Won’t Tell You

By Kim Saeed | Narcissism

Jun 30
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Do you suspect your partner is a Narcissist?  Do they behave in cruel, demeaning, and confusing ways and you want to understand why?  Do you wonder if there’s hope for a better future with them?  Wish that they’ll eventually see the error of their ways and have a heart-warming epiphany where they’ll beg you on bended knee to forgive them?

Welcome to the mind of the Narcissist.  While you reflect on things from a forgiving standpoint, it’s important to be aware of what your partner is thinking in order to make educated decisions about the relationship and your future.  Here, I’ve taken seven common questions that appear on my blog, and answer them from the Narcissist’s perspective.

  1.  Why do Narcissists keep coming back?

We keep coming back because you let us.  Nothing makes us feel more powerful than having proof that you will take us back regardless of what we do.  It doesn’t matter if we’ve stolen your money, cheated on you, destroyed your career, harmed your pet, or hurt your children’s feelings.  The fact that you accept us after doing these things means we have a God-like status.  All we have to do is pretend we’re sorry and/or in love, and we keep that powerful influence over you.  But, the reality is that control, manipulation, and keeping you as supply are all that matter to us.

  1.  What do Narcissists think during their silent treatments?

We don’t think about much else than having fun and living the single life.  In passing, we are teaching you a lesson for attempting to establish a boundary or for pointing out one of our flaws, but we don’t care how it affects you.  We know that you are waiting for us to call or text as you scour our social media (even going so far as to turn down invitations from your friends and family), whereas we are out having a great time.  Once we get bored with whooping it up and being unfaithful (or our new supply doesn’t pan out) we know there’s an open door waiting for us.  It’s all about US, just like the memes on Facebook say.  In fact, we often create conflict so that we can go out and do as we please.  We’re always looking for reasons to give the silent treatment.

  1. How to get away from Narcissists?

You’re probably talking about us overt Narcissists, as we’re usually the ones doing the stalking, harassing, and hoovering.  Well, you should know by now that any attempt you make to get away from one of us will feel next to impossible.  Although you may want to get away from us, your self-esteem is so low that even if you manage to “get away”, you’ll soon find yourself believing that no one else would ever want you, and that makes us look like heroes in your eyes.  You’re in love with the projection of our false personality.  The real person behind the mask is only concerned with controlling you, and we’ll do anything necessary to get back into your world.  The only way to make us go away is to go No Contact and completely block us from getting to you.  You may even need to get a restraining order.

  1. Does the Narcissist love the new girl more?  Will she get all his best?

“The new girl” usually isn’t new.  In most cases, we had her lined up before we discarded you.  It’s not really the new girl’s looks or age that made us inclined to choose her.  It’s more about whether she passed the litmus test for being good supply.  This usually means she’s submissive, is overly trusting, overly forgiving, is easy to hook into a relationship, and most importantly, thinks we’re God.  If she happens to be younger or pretty, that’s only icing on the cake because that makes you feel insanely jealous.  Besides, older women often won’t give us the time of day because they’re usually able to figure us out.  Nevertheless, we don’t see the new girl the same way you do.  There is no love or emotional attachment whatsoever; it’s purely about securing narcissistic supply which we attain through sex.  It’s about how well she strokes our ego and (if we’re overt) whether she’ll provide financial resources and wait on us 24/7.  It might look like we’ve never been happier, but that’s all part of the false image.  We’re killing two birds with one stone:  love-bombing her and making you feel unworthy.

  1. How to get Revenge on a Narcissistic Ex?

The best way to get revenge on us is to act as though we no longer exist.  Yep.  That’s it.  Anything else will only show how much we still mean to you.  “Outing us” to our friends, family, or employer (or the new woman) only proves how much you are still fixated on us.  Even if we’re waging a smear campaign against you, the best thing to do is not to get pulled into trying to defend yourself.  Simply live and act as though everything is completely, 100% normal.  The smart people will eventually see us for who we are as we continue to drag your reputation through the mud, while you go on with life as normal and refuse to talk about it.  It’s the ultimate way of maintaining your dignity.

  1. What to do when you’re fed up with your Narcissistic husband’s serial cheating?

Leave.  We’re never going to change.  And if we have kids together, they’ll end up thinking this chaos is normal in relationships and will likely go on to have dysfunctional marriages themselves after you and I led by example.

7.  Do Narcissists come back months or years later?

Sometimes we do.  Are you really going to wait around for us that long?  See #1 and #3.

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(193) comments

Kim October 17, 2017

I’ve been seeing a fella on and off about 8 years. The past 6 months to a year the communication b/t us has been much more frequent, and we have seen each other more often, but I had suspicions in my gut.
A couple of days ago, I did some research and discovered that he was married and had been married for several years. He denied and denied until I proved to him I knew. Then he stopped communicating.
After much thought I wrote an letter to his very young wife. He is 47. Brief letter, sayin I just found out he was married and ended the relationship for good. I was so sorry by wanted her to know the man she married. After I left the letter on their front door and I got back to my car. Wife walked out with a baby, about a year old. I was devastated. I texted him and told him I knew about the wife and now, the baby. He is to NEVER contact me again. Never. I don’t ever want to hear from him again.

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Sabrina September 6, 2017

Been with my husband for 38 years he is old,fat and ugly and still thinks he is gods gift to women, he sneaks over to my whore neighbors to get sexual favors. Plus any where he can, When I call him out on it he says he is going to hurt me goes crazy and threatens my life,screaming for all the neighbors to hear at the top of his lungs.This nut is such a narcissist when we go camping instead of facing the beautiful lake he will face fixated on the women’s bathroom. Also when I call him out on that he starts screaming in my face saying I am nuts and crazy and I need help, I stand up for myself acting unafraid face to face, but in reality I am because he has physically hurt me before in the past many times,He always tries to intimidate me with fear so we can keep being the filthy cockroach that he is !

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Mary July 28, 2017

I have a question. I had an online affair that turned physical. Well we met three times in the two years this went on. When first met him online he kept telling me how beautiful and sexy I was. And over time I fell for it. Then one day he turned it sexual. Started sending pictures of his penis and asking me to send him full body shots. Talked about hooking up. He lived 6000 miles away so I just went along with it. I liked the attention. He told me he was better in bed than my husband and I would have great orgasms with him. Ok so one day he just showed up. Freaked me out. I felt trapped. Met him in his car and he was charming. He explained this was just a fuck buddy relationship cause I was married and he had a girfriend. So we tried to have sex but he ended up having ED issues then a cop drove by. Two days later I met him in his room. He was in a hurry and not so charming. It was then I noticed how small his penis really was. More ED issues then he just quit. Got up said he had to go and left. I felt used. Two weeks later he texted and asked how it was. I could not tell him it sucked so I just said good…then he started bragging about himself. Texting continued. More pictures. Then he wanted video chat and I sat there naked while he masterbated. Kind of humiliating. Texting continued. Then he showed up again. He was a bit drunk. No forplay. It hurt alot. More ED issues. He masterbated more than he had sex. Then he just got up and went into the bathroom for ten minutes. When he came out he asked how was it? I told him I had better. He got angry and told me “you know it was good!” Then he ignored me. So I went home. Weeks later he’s back asking how good it was. I just said good. He starts bragging again. The texting got more demanding and humiliating. He would bug me for pictures until I gave in. If I posted something about me and my husband he would pop up demanding pictures. He would ask if he could disgusting things to me. I’d say yes and he would say “GOOD!”. Anything that happened in my life he would pop up. Even my anniversary. It’s like I had to be humiliated for being happy. Then I got caught. He said “hope you work it out, take care bye”. The I realized I didn’t know this guy. I knew nothing about him. He even lied where he lived. And you know what? In those two years when he kept telling me I was so beautiful and sexy, he NEVER once said he liked me. So what is this guy? Narcissist? Sociopath? Or just an asswipe?

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    Kim Saeed July 29, 2017

    Hi Mary,

    It’s not necessary to label this person a narcissist or sociopath. He is emotionally unavailable, not open to a true relationship, he’s used you multiple times to fulfill his own needs, and is indifferent to your emotional suffering.

    Frankly, he sounds like the bottom of the barrel to me and you deserve better.

    Kim

    Reply
A July 22, 2017

It just doesn’t seem fair! How can they pretend like they did nothing wrong. Do they really think that what they did was a good thing? Why are they ok with it? Jow come they always get the people back they burned or who they think still owes them. I sm still hurting like badly deep down and walk around trying to jide this pain. Three yearrs later and I still want to scream at him and I cry… I’ve tried so hard to move on and end up being used by another one.. what am I supposed to do? I hate my life, but I have wot ked so hard toown my home, take care of myself and my child. I Hate for ber to see me like this and I hate feeling kike this. I cant stand kivi g like this either. He took away my dignity, mu self esteem and he will never alologize. He tells everyone I stalk him, yet he stalks me. He tries to act as thow he has forgiven and that he wants to be my friend, but I cN’t pretend like nothing hapoened and I get jealous. My life is a mess

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h May 20, 2017

I went through the same thing, but now he changed his number & everything making me look like the crazy & obsessed one. He did this without any explanation to me so I let the old supply know that he was still in comtact with me on purpose turns out she doesn’t care either because she is pregnant by him now, she is okay with him cheating etc. So today we are no longer in contact which is a good thing.

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Jacque May 1, 2017

Thank you for allowing some who are obviously suffering the “space” to vent and share. I am entering my recovery phase. I was with my (soon to be) ex husband for nearly 28 years. He was that dream guy, charming and constantly attentive. He made sure that he knew me better than anyone had, little did I know that it would be used against me for years and years. One day following the birth of our oldest daughter, it was like a switch flipped. I had post-partum depression and he decided to jump into that crazy pool. He disappeared for days, and of course that was only the beginning. It would come in waves. If he felt me pulling away emotionally – he would once again be the man I fell in love with. From the outside, everyone thought we had the perfect marriage. When our youngest was born – I progressed to post partum psychosis and cared for a baby with health issues and a terminally ill mother. His abuse went on steroids. It was easy to convince me of any problems rested solely on my shoulders. He wove such logical webs – he knew what to say to lure me in emotionally. I was doomed. He made it impossible for me to progress easily. Jobs were great unless they interrupted any portion of his life. The kids and I were only valid when needed. We spent years waiting to be important. Progressively anything that I had financially – my sizable inheritance, my 401K and IRA from a 14 year job, so on, were absorbed “for the family’s benefit”, usually at an “emergency” level or simply cleaned out without my knowledge. It became apparent that the time, the energy and the money was spent elsewhere – ah, yes, the gambling. So, now I was dealing with someone with a Narcissistic personality disorder AND an extreme compulsive gambling problem. Until I had a life-threatening health scare did I start to pull the pieces together. I somehow knew to begin counseling (with my restrictions on her access to my husband for a year minimum), I journal-ed, I documented, I even set alarms on my phone to begin to “de-program” myself. My counselor diagnosed me with severe complex PTSD, and somehow I began to lift the webs. I filed for divorce a year and a half ago. I have been in the process ever since. I have committed the ultimate sin against a Narcissist, I have publicly denounced him. I have taken his “toy” away. I am no longer pliable (at least from his perception). Every thing that was my “fear” prior to his leaving, had come to fruition. It has been brutal to myself and to my two girls. If I had known a year a ago what would have unfolded, I’m not sure that I would have gone through with it. It was a leap of faith – the way that I’ve gone through this whole process. I have to believe in myself and have the faith that this process is necessary to heal. I’ve been frightened, devastated, physically and emotionally drained, not to mention the financial. BUT, even with all that said – I wouldn’t want to spend one more moment in the same space as this man. The moment he was served with the papers, he moved in with another woman and her daughter and stopped making sure that his own girls were taken care of. It was more important to punish me for knowing the truth. He has given my girls a gift – they want nothing whatsoever to do with him, no visits, no texts, nothing. They and I are better for it. In spite of everything we’ve been through (I didn’t even share 1/100th of what he put us through) I feel blessed that I am nearly out of this nightmare. Let the healing begin.

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Chopsi October 24, 2016

I am in No Contact with a man I met seven months ago. (Three weeks now!) The first three months were fun, enjoyable and seductive. Then he began to subtly change and I began to feel anxious and my instincts were screaming. The final blow was when my father almost died and was in serious condition for ten days in the hospital. My “guy” didn’t contact me once after I told him I had to go to my father. When I reestablished contact, he never asked how I was or how my father was. When I turned up the flame underneath him and asked him if he could step up when things were rough, he turned into a little boy and made promises that he could, and he did………………..for three days.

When I wished him a “Happy Six Months,” his response was, “I don’t know what to say to that.”

Then he made sure I found out he was seducing another woman, younger and richer, and he accused me of spying on him when the evidence came streaming over my newsfeed on Facebook because of his actions. I ended the relationship. He asked if we could be friends on Facebook. I thought: Why not? This is going nowhere. After a few days of silence, he came back and virtually attacked me on chat (I know most people will not know what this is about but it is real.) I asked him if he still loved me and he said, “The honest answer is………..I don’t know yet. You’re still working on trust issues.”

That was it. I waited two days and spoke with him only when he contacted me and always cut the conversation short. He started acting sick, wanting sympathy. I was waiting for him to leave the country for two weeks. The day before he left, I dumped him for the final time and thanked him for reminding me that there were predators in the world and I would remember that for now on. He’s still trying to triangulate me through Friends of friends on Facebook because I blocked him but I feel I need to get off Facebook completely, which is sad, but will do me good. I have never met such a manipulative, selfish, and crazy making man in my life and hope I never run aground with one again.

My sincere condolences to those who are trapped by their abuser by marriage or children. Even after seven months, I’ve had to seek therapy to regain my self-esteem.

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Josee October 19, 2016

My ex narcissist would tell me I was bi- polar I needed professional help, that I needed to learn how to treat a man. Everything I did he had a mean comment and when he was drinking he was 10 times worse he was physically abusive this as been going on for a year and some, he’d tell me I don’t why I keep coming back to you usually I don’t it’s cause yiur a good person, he how’s me 30000$ he lives with is mom and he’s 39 . So I’ve had enough of him so I changed my number and I think he met someone else so I’m I out of the woods with him, oh and he as 9 retaining orders against him. And I believe he’s capable of killing me one day.

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Sonia September 20, 2016

My Narc discarded of me on 2 Sep 16 and moved in with his new supply on 4 Sep 16 – I haven’t heard from him since the 2nd. Don’t think i’m going to.

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    Mark December 8, 2016

    You will, it is all apart of it. This waiting around you are doing is exactly the issue. Move on and hope that you never do hear again. When/If you do it will be prepared with a plan to get what is needed from you.

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      Anonymous December 10, 2016

      A month and a half later and I did hear from him. Telling me he’s So sorry about everything and can we start with being friends and try a relationship later on again…..
      I told him to go straight to hell never again in my life. Stupid f@%O$U asshole.

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        Mark Carter December 11, 2016

        I am so pleased for you for your reaction. One bit of advice, by acting aggressive to them implies that they still have the hold over you. You can never hurt them, their feelings. They are incapable. But good on you for resisting it was almost a certain move on his half huh! The less you react and the less time you have for them the less they have to play with ;).

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Nyri Wesley September 16, 2016

This is absolutely perfect! Sounds just like them!

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Farhat Naim August 22, 2016

When it comes to this ‘Narcissist’ why do you always keep men at center?
I am a male and trying to figure out with my new found love, who ultimately, the more i am being exposed to her, and the more i am reading at web, is turning out to be a narcissist.
What in that case? If your fairer sexed love turns out to be one?

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    Kim Saeed August 23, 2016

    Hi Farhat. Women can indeed be as narcissistic as men, sometimes worse. I talk about the male narcissist because that was my personal experience and that is the area that I’m expert in. Female narcissists, while having the same toxic effects as their male counterparts, have their own set of specific behaviors and since I wasn’t a target of a female narcissist, I prefer not to focus in that area as I don’t want to lead anyone astray.

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      TITO October 2, 2016

      HI KIM AND POSTMIN…. IT IS 50/50 RATIO WITH NARCISTS OVER GENDER ! THE DIFFERENCE IS HPD ! I M LIKE CANDY TO THEM ,ITS LIKE AN INVISIBLE STAMP ON MY FOREHEAD,LOL. THE FIRST 3 MOS IS DIVINE ,AND THAT IS WHEN I GET CAPTURED BY THE FALSE PERSONALITY,THE LOVE BOMING HAS BECOME LIKE A BAD INSURANCE SCAM BUT THEY REALLY R INTO YOU LIKE THAT AND I JUST EAT IT UP . IT IS AMAZING HOW OFFENDED THEY BECOME ,THE DIFFERENT EMOTIONAL DISTRAUGHT THEY WILL DISPLAY WHEN I SAY : I HAV TO BE OHNEST “I FEEL LIKE YOUR SCAMMING ME “…… FOR ANYONE READIN ABOUT THESE PERSONALITY TYPES LISTEN CLOSELY PLEASE ,THANKYOU…. RULE 1-WHERE THERES SMOKE , THERES FIRE ! RULE 2-WITH ATTRACTION ,LOVE,DESIRE,HOPE,WANT,TRUTH ,YOUR GUT HAS BEEN DESIGNED OVER THOUSANDS/MILLIONS, WHO KNOWS ,WITH A SILENT ALARM SYSTEM BABY LISTEN TO IT CUZ IT KNOWZ !!!!

      Reply
Julia August 15, 2016

I have been with my man for over 3 years he used to be abusive in the past. He even cheated on me and I took him back three times. He left me for his child’s mother all three times. He came back to me and told her he didn’t have feeling for her. She finally moved on with someone else. I have been living with him for 8 months now. He hides me from his daughter. I met her when she was sick and she liked me. She is now 9. She doesn’t even know I am in the house when she comes to visit her Dad.One day when she left back home he try to be romantic with me and I told him I was sick of hiding from his kid and why does he hide me he said it’s not hiding. It is his time with his daughter. I know his ex doesn’t like me. So I told him I am not with him anymore. He got mad and said I am drama. Smh and he has been giving me the silent treatment for a month going out with his buddies every night. Doesn’t care if I eat or have money like before I told him how I felt.I text him when I come home if his kid is visiting so he can distract her while I come in the house. I told him sorry for saying he hides me and sald I didn’t mean to break up with him but I was hurt he just ignored me. I guess he thought he had it made girlfriend in the room kid in the living room. I love him but I am so stressed out and hurt. I always forgive him but he stays mad at me. I told him to tell me if he wants me to move out or if he’s talking to someone else he just ignores me. Or he will say I’m drama and don’t involved him in my Drama I don’t see it as drama. I don’t know what else to do to get him to talk to me I apologize way to much already. I just go to work and straight to my room after . I try to go out sometimes and act like I don’t care but he goes all the time acts like I don’t exist it hurts me.

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Ashley July 11, 2016

I feel so loss. My narcissistic ex boyfriend has destroyed me. He started off in the beginning as prince charming and I thought back then I had found the one guy that I could spend the rest of my life with. We were together for 3 years however two years was spent breaking up off and on until he decided that he wouldn’t get back together with me till I changed. I spent the next two years taking all sorts of criticism from him, and countless verbal attacks of him telling me how crazy I am and how I get things mixed up and how the way I saw things isn’t how it happened. I would question my sanity every other day while he would tell me he loves me, and still do relationship type things couples would do together. And it just got worse, I would take the blame for ruining things between us and also cry every night. He goes to this bar in town every day, and is good friends with the bartender. He told me over and over they are just friends and any time I question it I was just crazy or insecure. Even though they talked on the phone everyday. Last night was the last straw, he call’s me at 1am on Friday to tell me he love’s me and such and I asked him to text me the next day. The next day I heard nothing from him but was able to see his phone log history and saw he spent all day and night talking to the bartender which by the way he calls her a slut. When I called him and asked why he didn’t talk to me his response was “I don’t know”. I even asked him if he had been talking to another girl and he lied and said no. I called him out on it and hung up on him and haven’t heard back from him peirod. I just can’t understand why my attention wasnt good enough. Why he doesn’t want a relationship with me yet drains my feelings dry when it benifit’s him. I know he is narcissistic yet I still can’t believe he truly never loved me. I don’t know how I will ever move on. I feel so broken.

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Annick June 30, 2016

Thank you so very much for posting this. Having experienced a massive downer of a day because my narcissistic ex, who discarded me, “found” (i.e. likely had her stashed away all along) someone else and is now flaunting her, reading your post has only justified my past decision to leave him and go no-contact.

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Jennifer R June 29, 2016

I have been separated for 3 years from my son’s dad – divorced since December 2015. Ex did everything to delay the divorce. After ex discovered in February that I had a boyfriend he stated to me…”No other man is going to raise my son. ” About a month ago I brought my boyfriend to my son’s baseball game (the ex is one of 3 coach’s) and after the game my son overheard the ex call me “stupid” to the father of another kid on the team. My son told me and I asked my ex: Why did you call me stupid? Our son was upset to hear you say that about me, please don’t say disparaging things about me bc your son will end up resenting you. Ex said, oh sorry, i didn’t think he was within earshot. So fast foward today…..ex is suddenly being nice..compliments me, sends nice texts etc. I believe he is trying to get me back for the sole purpose of ensuring that I don’t remarry and another man will be involved with our son’s life.

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Anonymous January 28, 2016

I was with my girlfriend for 10 years. From 2006 to 2009 I paid her rent food gas entertainment and clothing so that she could pursue a career in acting worry free .We met at very young ages 18 and 20 she is two years younger than me . She had a history of anorexia and cutting . I knew she had these issues but they improved however they did seem to manifest as other things. People always felt uncomfortable around her felt that she was “evil” or mean. She would hit me and go into rages and I still stayed with her and never called the authorities… When a fellow actress made it big she flew into a rage throwing things and screaming saying that her parents never helped her and its not fair that someone whos parents did help are making it big. She then later said that I never helped her that her parents did despite the fact that I was still paying her rent some of her food (expensive healthfood shakes). She always had get rich quick schemes that would get me either exploited or stolen from and wanted me to work for free despite my protests . She would call me not ambitious for not wanting to work for free and be exploited. She She knew my family background was less than desirable and how my financial situation was not very good. She eventually destroyed my life completely . When I was laid off from my job she begged me for months to strip for money online . Then she kept saving all the extra income she had in her bank account and was angry that I wanted to turn it into a joint account. She said “Oh so you dont trust me?!”She said “its unnatural for two people to only be attracted to just eachother” so we agreed on an open relationship mainly due to the fact she had never had a relation with a man and we did not want her to feel that would be missing since she was bisexual . Little did I know this was a one-sided open relationship. Where she was allowed to make out with people and went to a womans hotel room where they engaged in oral sex but I asked her to come home and not go to the womans hotel room she did anyway and had unprotected oral sex then stated that she was raped… Then weeks later she wanted the woman to take her out to dinner! She did not use protection with this woman and said she was forced against her will to receive oral sex. She contracted genital herpes and demanded unprotected sex and became extremely angry when I suggested protection . That “genital herpes isnt a big deal!” I was mostly closeted but open to a few people close friends and my entire family. She said this was part of the reason for dumping me yet she was selective with whom she discussed her sexuality with she did not tell her half brother or her aunt .Then I kissed one woman once and she flew into a rage and said this is why she is dumping me. She dumped me for the guy that took over my job after I was laid off despite me getting her the job she has now where she makes $100k a year. She took off with my savings and expensive underwear and tried to take many things away from the house including books she left me destitute . She said that because I am codependent , not in the closet enough and a cheater (despite the open relationship which I said we needed to end because it seems to cause problems )yet she dumped me for an alcoholic drunk driver co dependent who also introduced her to drugs. She said because he passed the bar and because I was just a stripper (despite her begging me to strip for money ). She also said I was dumped because she needed sex 5 times a week and that once a w eek or twice a month was not enough despite the fact I was getting headaches during sex or just too tired working 6 to 7 days a week. She was angry with me that I would not take the bus to dangerous neighborhoods to volunteer . She tore my life to pieces while I built hers up to a very high level and now she brags about going to Saks and how I’ll be missing out. Yet I helped her get to where she is .She would say so many horrible things to me about the guy she dumped me for None of this makes any sense . She dumped me 2 weeks before our wedding! She called me unambitious despite me taking tons of pictures of her some of which have been exhibited in prestigious institutions. This all makes me insane. I loved her because she was good at physics and really good in school and very attractive , but her personality was always talking crap about people and always getting into fights with authority figures or flirting with the idea of things that were illegal . She also made up lies and told me she was in love with this guy who just last week she complained “haha he has friends who record the women theyre having sex with and the women dont know it ” “ew he thinks casey anthony is hot” and ” he thinks its hard to get an std ” and ” he cheated on his girlfriend and they had an abortion ” but now hes this savior… Then when I stopped talking to her she now asks for forgiveness says shes sorry that her sexuality “changed” yet I found out she cheated on him with men and women (just kissing though) then she admitted to watching me on the stripping website with her friends and said it was ok because she was “drunk”. When her parents got into a car accident (the parents she always bad mouthed to me ) she said that I should be concerned. She blocks me and unblocks me from facebook constantly Now my life is in shambles its like living in hell before she dumped me she had me take her to concerts and buy her things and spend $400 on her for halloween … Now she says “youre free to go slave ! I dont need you anymore to pay my rent i can afford to do it on my own! “She also called me “selma ” like the Martin luther king movie because I am black . I am so sad and devastated that my life took a turn for the worse from working succesffully to being stuck in this cycle i am trying to hard to break free from. I feel like a prisoner

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    Nick November 12, 2016

    I feel for you. Read my story. You will feel better at least knowing you got away relatively easy. skitattle.com

    Reply
    Inna April 4, 2017

    Hi anonymous, your story is sad but your soul is beautiful. Run away from her and never come back. This people have no souls, they are like robots with a beautiful shells, empty inside. ..they will never experience love, real one, they will never know what it is to be free from materialistic world, to be alive. ..they will never know what it is to have a Soul…forgive her but don’t let her eat you alive, you’ve done enough for her. You WILL recover, but only when she is totally gone from your life my friend. Love and strength to you!

    Reply
Zulfa January 18, 2016

Hello Kim 🙂 Wanted to know, do these points apply even to a Narcissistic mother? Are there any additions or modifications to these points in case of a mother?
Also, I’m Arab and Muslim. The nature of our culture/religion makes it impossible to go 100% no contact… Especially that I’m single and live with my parents. Is maintaining a ‘business-like’ relationship with my mother enough to protect me from her abuse?
Thank you ???

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    Kim Saeed January 29, 2016

    Hi Zulfa. I truly understand your dilemma. As you may know, my Ex is Egyptian and I know how deeply enmeshed everyone is in one another’s lives in your culture. While I do promote No Contact, it’s not always 100% possible, such as the case with parents (although I have known people to detach from their parents). You could definitely try the Gray Rock method with her, but more importantly, if you’re going to keep her in your life, you’ll want to take extreme care of yourself because there’s really no way to avoid her attempts at controlling and manipulating you. Try not to tell her all of your personal business, don’t engage if she tries to start drama, make sure you listen to guided meditations and get plenty of rest. Surround yourself with as much positivity as possible and explore a creative outlet in the arts (music, painting, etc.) Wishing you all the best.

    Reply
      Anonymous January 29, 2016

      Thank you so much for your advice and reply! It means so much to me! ? Thankfully, I have been following most of these tips: gray rock method, not telling her my personal stuff, avoiding drama and conversations in general, engaging in drawing, etc. Just wanted to know I’m on the right track ? It feels sad though to realise that my own mom is and will always be the most distant of all people… But oh well it cannot be helped ? Have a great day/evening and thank you again from Saudi Arabia ? ??

      Reply
        Kim Saeed June 26, 2016

        Hi Anon! Yes, it is sad, but the important thing is not to internalize her actions as meaning you deserve them. You are not alone, many people have had to detach themselves from their parents and some have gone full-blown No Contact. I hope you have someone in your life that you can lean on. You deserve to be happy.

        Kim
        XoXo

        Reply
Enaid hiraeth January 15, 2016

Wow! Beyond accurate. No contact is the only way to survive.

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Sarah December 27, 2015

I was with N for eight years. Met very young, although we’re both still young. First year was great. Not long after that affairs came and went. I was leaving for college and realized i was pregant. After telling him, he remarked “trapped you now.”

We had three children, two of the births he came and went; He pretended the birth of our last child made him open his eyes. He used the children to draw me back in. I was always convinced to reconcile for first our child, then our two children and then we had three. He always left me during my preganacies and lived with other women. He always eventually wondered back with the promise “I want my family back, and I’ll do whatever it takes.” This usually only lasted two months max because I would find evidence of his cheating ways on his phone. Very secretive and cold. I started getting my life together, lost 60lbs, realized what he is and how to heal the wounds that he inflicted on my children and I. I have been starting over for years, somehow he finds a crack in me and crawls back in like a cockroach. He manipulates every situation as to make sure i can never have a relationship with anyone else and so the kids and i are never out of his reach. I somehow stilI crave this abuse. I read everything I can about this disorder. It helps me feel normal, and in more control of the shitty situations that he puts us through and that I let him. I truly believe hope is your biggest enemy dealing with these kinds of people. Hope will string you up so he can shoot you down. And no, he never changes. Only you can. It’s very hard to change something you have been conditioned to feel, act, and to think. I’m working on this. I have just came to the realization that everything was a lie, and there is some sort of explanation to his behavior and womanizing.

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Bradley December 4, 2015

Kim, Just a quick note to thank you for your book ” How to do NC like a Boss”. I have it open on every device I use….and every once in a while ” pop back into it” for a refresher. Day 40 today of NC. Much learning and awareness as well as perspective. Your book and these blogs help in so many ways. Especially ” 7 Things Your N won’t tell you”. Because its top of mind for me, I’ll share that the Holiday season is likely a tough time to start or keep NC in place….so everyone should have a plan, a support plan, in place so we do not cave and give in. Be strong everyone….have a support plan…..get it ready now. And thank you all for your posts and sharing. It means so much to hear all of your successes and even challenges. You are not alone.

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shootstar November 2, 2015

is this only a man thing? when i look online for advice there is hundreds and hundreds of outlets for females….i wish there was a source to help men out through hard times. 🙁 or does this go in both directions?

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    Kim Saeed December 23, 2015

    Hi shootstar. I apologize for not having responded sooner. I am just seeing your comment/question.

    Yes, there ARE female narcissists out there and they can be quite nasty. In general, the male narcissists are all rather predictable with their lies and cheating, but the female narcs are often more deceptive and scheming–and their lies much more elaborate.

    Reply
      geno January 28, 2017

      Definetly agree to that!

      Reply
Jerome October 26, 2015

I have read over a thousand articals in 5 years,and although I have read spot on articles on. Sexual abuse,bordeline woman,and silent treatment? I don.t want to tryi or believe things will change,and afraid. That I might find out another reason for her trating me this way,I just want her gone!

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[…] and lying (Proverbs 12:17, Proverbs 12:22, Ephesians 4:29).  Read up on words such as narcissist and abuse. Educate […]

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Ben October 21, 2015

I don’t know if my ex was a narc. I do know X was diagnosed with bp1 and BPD. A drug abuser and alcoholic. 20 years of lying, stealing, cheating, violence, child neglect and abuse and finally severe depression and a very public dumping of me.
Now, ten months after the crash I have made some pretty good progress. I have my home back, my kids are with me, a healthy, loving and remarkably patient gal, a good job…yet I am here, on the Internet, searching for answers I will never find. I feel terrible too often. So damn hurt. I occasionaly will just start crying.
I put in no contact six months ago. She bugs me, about kids, routinely. I don’t even respond to that anymore as its always lies, demands and accusations. I literally live under siege. X has turned their craziness on my kids now. All of whom have rejected X. They are tormented, humiliated and embarrassed.
X lives in bars, sleeps with just about anybody, claims happiness, still steals from me, abuses the heck out of my kids, violates the separation agreement, and haunts my mind to this day. There is still a sick part of me that thinks X will change, that x will awaken to what x is, and come running back. Of course, I would have nothing to do with X. The pain she has wreaked on her own children is unforgivable.
I just hope that a final divorce decree will bring closure, or that X just goes away forever. Ultimately, it is up to you to stop looking for answers and understanding and just discipline yourself to work past the pain of so many years wasted with someone like this. It is true that you only live once. So make a choice and live. It does get better. It does! Never give up. You matter.

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    Kim Saeed October 21, 2015

    Thank you for sharing, Ben. We definitely need more stories from men just like you <3

    Reply
      Anonymous October 21, 2015

      U r welcome. It is so very important that folks in these situations can get out. No matter how ugly or painful. I won’t say the pain and hurt just magically disappears. It doesn’t. But it does fade and you do learn how to better deal with it.
      So if you are in that dark place, and I know that place, you must get up. Crawl out of that bed. Get angry, fight damn you! This is your life now. A new beginning. New adventure and love. Freedom from oppression. It’s gone. You removed yourself from it. YOU CAN CHANGE. They cannot. Look forward not backward. You can do it. You will stumble, you will fall, but soon you’ll find your stride, again. Trust me. You will be better than ever. Wash their muck off of you. They have lost their power over you.
      If you wish to find some revenge you are on the wrong path. Trust me. They’ll screw up, over and over and over. At least that’s what my nightmare does. She is ‘hanging’ herself. I say good. No pity. No remorse. Perhaps a few moments of joy when she implodes, I can’t deny. But remember this. STAY AWAY FROM THEM. One day, and I am still working on this, I will look at her with no emotion, or feeling. It takes work but you can get there. It does get better but you have to work at it. So get up and go for a walk. Soon you’ll be making love, traveling, sharing in your children joys, growing physically and mentally stronger…and setting a firm timetable to get off the internet looking for answers you’ll never find:)
      I do thank folks like our host for places like this. It is helpful to get it off your chest and even better when you realize your not alone. So thank you Host! Today, I am declaring an end to my internet pursuits. I’m gonna read a book, go for a hike, dance with my girl or talk to my kids, instead. Keep up the good fight my war torn friends. Your on your way to better days.

      Reply
      Anonymous October 21, 2015

      Oh one last thing. My comment that ‘they’ never get better was cold and hurtful. Many do. Mine, one day may. But I ain’t waiting around another second. Farewell Internet.

      Reply
        Pa December 6, 2016

        So sad to read you saying many get better.Like a previous posters ,hope keeps you strung up,vulnerable to more abuse.
        I think all professionals agree that theirs is a “condition” that cannot be cured.
        One emminent person,Lundy Bancroft ,who works in the field of attempting to change narcissists for the better remarked that he felt he would need to spend many hours daily,for years,to perhaps see a genuine change.
        Like you say,don’t waste another second around them in hope that they’ll change.

        Reply
Kat36 October 17, 2015

How could I be this old and not have known that this was the kind of relationship that I’ve been in for years!! I thought maybe he was bi polar or something. For years I’ve been hearing the same thing that he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me and that he will never marry me. But stupid me would beg him to stay and somehow we work it out and move on with life. Then out the blue here he goes with the same ole argument. These are usually triggered by something he doesn’t like that I’ve done ( getting mad when he stays out all night or me going out and having fun with my friends.) I’ve done all that I should as a girlfriend and yet he finds something to get mad about. Apparently I didn’t give him exactly what he wanted like love and affection because he grew up not getting that from his own mother. After reading this it’s clear that I’m definitely in this type of relationship. Shutting down, silent treatment for days and acting very cold when I try to talk to him. Acting like and over grown child. My self esteem is shot and he knows it. I know now that this will never get any better and that I don’t have a choice but to move on from this destructive cycle.

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    Kim Saeed October 25, 2015

    Kat, thank you for stopping by and for commenting. They purposefully erode our self-esteem over time so that we will lose hope of ever leaving or having a better life. At the risk of sounding extreme, they’re a lot like Gorilla pimps who use brute force so their girls won’t ever leave – same concept, same destruction by design.

    Wishing you all the best in leaving <3

    Reply
      Anonymous November 12, 2015

      right on target Kim…
      this site helps tremendously!!!!!

      Reply
        Kim Saeed November 13, 2015

        Thank you! 🙂

        Reply
    Hattie September 12, 2017

    Can you tell me how you are doing now? I’m goin through the same exact thing right now. I am only 3 days in and it is hard to eat sleep or function. I found out he was cheating and moved out while he was away and he has no remorse. No text or anything to show he is sorry even after 3 years of being together. It’s heartbreaking.

    Reply
sonia barrientos September 29, 2015

I married an N. Worst mistake of my life. I got pregnant and he left me. He lied to me, would record us having intimate relations and forward to his only friend. Who was equally as perverted. My ex would stare at women in front of me and would deny it. He would say to me if we participate in a 3 some he would love me more. I told him hell no. Takes no responsibility for his actions. Blames me for everything. Even for the dog ruining the pool it was my fault because I got him the dog 8 years ago. I mean what fuck head blames a person for the dogs behavior. I blame my ex bad behavior on my ex mother in law. She thought everything he did was cute and funny. She never thought him to respect his wife and to care for others than himself. I pray to God to please take care of him soon. As least I can enjoy seeing him on his knees in front of God asking for forgiveness because he has no faith and that would be something out of his control. I remind god to have the dick pay me back all the money I gave him to fix his fucken house that my son doesn’t even have a bed in that house. I got played by a fucken jerk of the century and I hate his guts.

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    Anonymous October 30, 2015

    My ex used me the same way.
    Got me for them mortgage payments n whatever bills that needed to be paid. Kicks our son out a week after I left….his new gf n kids moved in 2 days after I left. Our son made him look bad I suppose. I hope the decrepit fuck rots. I will do whatever I have to do to get a great lawyer. He made sure he got everything when I left.
    I will be damned I get nothing.
    They are living in MY fucking house!!!!!!
    Wouldn’t have left if he did, but no…he ain’t budging. He loves this power. It won’t last. The day will come.

    Reply
      Sandy Lecoq September 25, 2016

      I finally broke it off with my narcesstic boyfriend of 5 years I didn’t know that type of personality even existed until I went online he took five years of my life I couldn’t take it anymore the blaming the criticism I was always wrong couldn’t do anything right but this time I went with my gut feeling that he was cheated on me and I was so miserable and hurt and disgusted that the hardest part is I let someone like that treat poorly I don’t understand why when he knew the one thing that would break me would be that I tried to let him know to
      Day but somehow he turned the conversation 5o make it my fault and didn’t even address my concern all afternoon I ached in the pit of my stomach because I knew I feel like a fool he totally desrespected me in every way possible but I went with my gut feeling this time there will never be another time ever again this man has destroyed my trust for anyone I am 55 years old was married to abusive husband g
      For 25 years he left me for a younger woman it took me five years of tears but I made it I had it all he has caused me lost jobI lost my townhouse because I couldn’t pay the rent I love with my parents because he put me in debt I can’t afford the car that I have yet he just took my paid off car and just took over and put me in a car I can’t afford so I can never get another place because he ruined my credit he tried to take Me away from my daughter only I faught back on that he tried hard but he knew that was a losing battle I guess I was just meant to be alone becauseI can never trust anyone anymore so he took my self esteem my life and I let him so if I can safe someone from making the same mistake that I did by telling my experience with this horrible man then I would have done a good thing because now mY gut wrenching feeling is gone

      Y

      Reply
    Nameless December 1, 2015

    I can relate. Narcissist is the spawn of Enabling parents. Could say so much more but, it’s been a Long day ..

    Reply
Kim September 24, 2015

I have a unique narc abuser who has twisted me up. He isnt a leech to my wallet because he is wealthy. I have a whole new set of signs to add that I have not found information on. Its extremely dangerous and I need help still staying away.

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    Kim Saeed October 25, 2015

    Hi Kim, if you’d like to contact me at my email address to share your signs and ask questions, I can be reached at kim@letmereach.com.

    Reply
Gayle Catuiza August 26, 2015

Hello,
I have been divorced from my Narc since 2009 but we reconciled in 2010 after false “promises” to be better and change he went right back to his controlling brutal ways. My gut told me no but I agreed anyway. Within months he went right back to the “talks” in the bedroom berating me and yelling how non supportive and insignificant I still was and how I never gave him enough “attention.” Long story short, because we have 2 children together I stuck it out for 5yrs. All the while, dying a little of myself ever day and every time he belittled me and told how incompetent I was as a wife and mother. Nothing was ever good enough for him. I finally had the guts to say I was done (which he was not expecting) after he threatened numerous times to kick me out (this was his way of keeping me in line and behaving). I told him “let’s do it then, let’s make it happen.” This shocked him and in the 9mos it took us to save and prepare to separate it was torture. He made attempts to “talk it out” and asked several times why I didn’t want to fight for us anymore. I told him I was empty and tired. Emotionally and spiritually he had drained me and I knew I only had the strength to leave. My kids had been through enough of the ugliness he’d inflicted on all 3 of us. They knew, they saw. He has two very distinct personalities and faces. The kind, gentle loving one who showers you with fun trips and things and the cruel brutal mean monster one who would but deep into your soul with the most awful and ugly words to make you feel as small as an ant.
I’m happy to say that today I am in my own 2 bedroom apt and we share custody of our two children. However they have both shared they do not want to live with him when they turn 18. They tolerate the shared thing now only because of his behavior and meanness and they’re afraid of him. He is in a new relationship as of 2mos ago but only made it “official” on FB because they’d broken up 2x in the 2mos and appoximately 10 dates they had. He did the same play he did with me when we first met. Showering her with attention, expensive dinners and trips to the beach and bay area to show her what a “great charming” man he is. Undoubtedly informed her what a horror of an exwife I was to him and how “everyone” has mistreated and disrespected him all his life. He is currently estranged from his 2 adult daughters, his father and mother and his 6 siblings. He has no relationships other than our 2 kids and the new girl. I am learning to detach myself emotionally from the hurt and anger I still feel towards him and it’s tough. He is so fake and the outside world thinks he’s this great and wonderful guy because he is so good at the “fake self”. The new girl I think has seen a hint of the “monster” but he still has his mask on to secure her and hasn’t shown his real self to her in full force. My prayer is to be able to not feel a thing anymore when I see or speak to him. So far I’m on the right track and to God I am thankful. Thanks for listening and letting me vent.

JoyGirl

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yolandi August 14, 2015

This article hit me so hard. It is so accurate of my life. But i am so confused. I have been suspecting my husband to be a narcicist for a few years but still have this feeling of what if i am wrong? I really need someone to talk to about this.

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    Kim Saeed August 25, 2015

    Hi Yolandi, I offer coaching sessions if you’d be interested. You can find the details under the “No Contact Coaching” tab.

    Wishing you all the very best <3

    Reply
cristianedawning July 29, 2015

Reblogged this on relationshitexit.

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Miss_s July 14, 2015

Hi Kim….I was sent over here to your page from “ursula” at Upturned Soul. I have read all if the comments and thank god I am not alone because it certainly feels like I am. I was wondering first off does your no contact book also have a section in there for people who have kids. Unfortunately with a 14 year old together and I don’t want to take his dad away from him. I don’t say bad things about my ex to my son simply because I guess after 16 years of making excuses for his poor behavior I’m just used to it.

He is a classic narcissist 100%. I didn’t really think that he emotionally or verbally abused me, but realizing that he left me via text message the day after my 10th wedding anniversary and proceeded to his girlfriends house. He continually baits me that he’s coming home and he’s just doing things to try and get his head straight and for me not to give up and exactly what you said he says “I want to know if or when ” IF OR WHEN” I’m ready to come home you’ll be there waiting for me.” Everyday its please don’t give up on us I still need you. I guess all of that is emotional abuse.

Its been 5 months as of yesterday and I have cried almost every single day for 5 months. I haven’t worked for 10 years. ( I left a six figure job to allow him to take his dream job with a company that he had wanted to be with forever) I supported him in his job and his career. I took care of my son. We moved 9 times in 10 years for his job and he would always go off to his new jobs. Everybody would know him and he’s the new guy and everybody likes him and they already know who he is and every single time we moved I had to start over.

He says he left me because I was dis attached and disengaged from our marriage. I have been fighting hypothyroidism and Hashimoto’s since 2002 and it is taking a humongous toll. I don’t think he’s ever even taken the time to look at what an autoimmune disease does to people he says it’s just an excuse and it’s too bad they got my medication right after he left.

I want to get your book I want to be able to do this I want to be able to be on my own and I want, right now I still want my life back but I’m beginning to understand that that may not happen. I want him to just go on with his life he chose to leave this one and I guess if I keep letting him back into this one that he’s going to stay. We are working on selling our two houses and although he quit even using the divorce word a few months back, we will probably be dividing everything up and moving that direction by the end of the year. I’m 49 years old I didn’t think I would have to be starting over now. He told me how i am his best friend he told me that he would always be there to protect me, and every day tells me you are the love of my life. I guess if this is the way that he treats his best friends, the people he protects and the loves of his life, I’m probably better off on my own.

The only thing I’m really afraid of is that I will never let anybody in again. I gave him every ounce of my trust and he abused the shit out of it. Anyhow, let me know if your book does include that section on how to how to no contact when you have children. If you can get back to me I’m ordering it today.

Thank you to you and all the people who posted their stories up here. I feel a lot less gullible or that I’m stupid for not seeing the signs sooner. What ticks me off the most as that I know all of what everybody’s telling me. I should have left him after the first affair I should have left him after the fourth affair , but I didn’t. I believed him when he told me it was all my fault so I would do my best to change. But every time I changed he just came up with a new laundry list of things that I was doing to screw things up.

I will keep reading keep hoping and keep believing that there’s a life out there for me without him.

xo Miss_S

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    Kim Saeed July 17, 2015

    Hi Miss_S, thank you for sharing your experience. To answer your question – yes, there is a section in my book about going ‘modified contact’. Basically, you’ll want to keep everything business-like. Don’t let him use your shared custody situation to continue abusing you.

    And yes, there is life for you without him. It will takes lots of self-care and self-work, but if you commit to healing yourself, you still have hope of living your best life yet!

    Reply
    Nelly November 3, 2015

    Please miss x cut contact . No example is better than a bad one for your son . If that’s impossible get support from domestic violence services . This is domestic violence . You can have supervised access for your son and his father . You don’t have to have any contact ever ! The support services can make HIM do parenting courses to stop him passing on his unhealthy parenting skills to your son . Please you can do this . And when your free get a good therapist asap so you don’t repeat this again . No relationships for about five years was told to me . To be safe I did ten . I can get into relationships that’s easy as ….. It’s the getting out that nuggets me up ! I did a relationship after ten years it lasted 8 months . I ended it because it wasn’t a relationship for me . He had hidden agendas . He loved my life that I built for me but he didn’t love me . I’m single and happy and fulfilled . A relationship is not what makes me successful . Me as an individual is what makes me successful .

    Reply
      Kim Saeed November 3, 2015

      Beautiful, Nelly <3

      Reply
    Anonymous November 12, 2015

    I hear you. I still struggle with what? are you kidding me? I think they’ll always be a part of that they’ll be with us emotionally…
    they never change, they just kp going like a bulldozer its all abt them.
    I find it fascinating they never do things on their own, its thru girls. they claim they get bored, yet Thyre boring, they do exactly the same thing over&over.
    nothing to do with age looks education
    how well you treated them.
    social media forget it its all . mirage.
    if you’re successful happy you’d be living not posting or have the new flame doing it. actually fakebook yes fakebook is a joke.
    I cry still but let them go…. they dumped you without the blink of an eye…
    dating? baby steps, if it doesn’t feel right dont do it…. ill never love that hard again…. I look at men differently…
    you are worth it…
    I’m proud I ddnt do anything crazy an I won’t. I stand out in that way…
    day by day…. you’re on your own path.
    nobody gets it unless you’ve bn there
    we have….
    if somebody wants to be in you’re life
    they will, no excuses, shadiness, theyll be there….. a guy will do anything to be with you- Dr. Phil

    you’ll have good days&baaad ones..
    cry pray read these blogs get bk to you!!!
    blessings!!!!
    be open to love, lean from mistakes

    Reply
at least i sleep now July 9, 2015

My Narc succeeded in bringing me to the point of being completely broken after 25+ years. I didn’t trust my intuition, would do whatever he said and felt no happiness or joy in life at all. We had four kids together. I always faked like things were fine when people were around, which wasn’t very often. We lived an isolated life. In a way I think I harmed myself more than he harmed me by just giving in. I was convinced that I was incompetent or crazy and needed him for me and my children to survive. I was stuck in a family that had harsh rules about what could be and could not be done, gender roles, women stayed home and did all work that made no money. So I had no power at all. No family of my own to see what was really happening. I have sever guilt for not standing up sooner. For years it was like I wasn’t even in my body. I just went through the motions and prayed for sleep or death. Sleep was my only escape. When he realized that, he started to do whatever he could to interrupt it and then I couldn’t bare any more. I had to get out. I started to work and he did everything he could to interfere. I kept at it. I took my vows deathly serious and tried to save our marriage no matter what. He took that as license to do whatever he wanted. Once I realized my mission was to care for him more than me and save our marriage but his was to serve himself and belittle me as much as possible – even enjoying anything that caused me emotional pain, I went cold and made the intellectual decision to be done forever. It has been more than a year and I still need to hear the voice of a trusted friend every few days to remind me it will be ok and I am not crazy. He wrecked my whole life. I have had to cut ties with a huge family, many of whom I loved, and go no contact except for things to do with the kids. I have had to watch him do things like buy a place that includes everything I ever dreamed of when they meant nothing to him. He buys things that he always hated but were my favorite and the kids come back to tell me. He takes them to places I always wanted to go to that he said were stupid and expensive and I know he secretly still gets a perverted hard on by knowing it causes me pain. I think he really is evil and maybe I just wanted to save him. On some level I think I always knew. Before I left him, I heard the words, just let go. No matter what, always trust your own gut! If your gut says the sky is purple and you look up and see blue, believe it’s purple!!

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Wife of a Narc July 7, 2015

This is such an amazing article, do you have more from the narc that you can share. For example, how to deal with the anger and projections? He blows hot and cold,I now know who he is, however I haven’t learn how to deal with him. We have a child and the no-contact is impossible.

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The Narcissist on the Seventh Floor | Art by Rob Goldstein July 2, 2015

[…] say no to a narcissist is to defy the fundamental rightness of everything they do and say. They will do everything to convince you that you’re wrong to say no – even if your refusal is simply a matter of aesthetics. All […]

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    Kim Saeed July 2, 2015

    Thank you for sharing my article <3

    Reply
Lisa July 1, 2015

Oh wow ! I’ve been involved with a narcissist for about 10 years … 5 years dating and 5 years of on and off and i did not know this was a condition untill a week ago when i was searching for answers online about the behaviours of this new guy i was seeing that i saw this word and learned that actually all my horrible experiences in the past with my ex was because of that . I still have trouble moving on despite the fact that i dated a few guys after the first 5 years but nobody could even come close to the way i felt for him so i would go back or he would come back and i would take him back … Everytime he would pull a new method for sucking me back in only to discard me a few months after shamelessly ! And then come back and pretend all that never happened and when i would tell him about the stuff he told me he said i m imagining things and that he never said those horrible things to me ! Or he would justify it by being angry at something “I” did !!!
It was only recently that I met this new guy whom i was not even considering dating because he did not have any of physical/ educational / lifestyle criteria that i usually go for BUT he was sooo charming, sooo confident , soooo sweet that he won me over that i kept telling everyone wow he is the sweetest more caring guy I ve ever met … But there was a voice in the back of my mind saying it can’t be this good … Where is the catch ? Now that i read articles about narcissism i see the signs
-He was always the hero in the stories he d tell me about his day to a point i thought at some point it’s a 5 year old telling a story not a 40 yr old man … It sounded sooo exagerated !
– everyone of his employees were stupid according to him ir the way he was treating them
– he would always tell stories about his exes but all showing how they all still want him … He kept saying he doesnt know why they don’t go away only to make him look so wanted in my eyes but always the perfect gentleman who doesnt lead them on ! Yeah right !
– he started breaking the pattern he had created in my mind about the way we were … Getting cold , less texts, not affectionate as before and when i asked him about it he said maybe i m the “needy” one ! And i guarantee you i wasn’t !
– he would subtly tease me in a way that was belittling me ! Like in his jokes or making fun of something i liked
– he was acting cold silent whenever i was saying i m going out with my friends …. Now i know only to control me … It got to a point i had to be careful hpw i brought up certain subjects or i had to make it look like a little gathering that s not that much fun even if i was going out so he wouldn’t get uncomfortable or act distant !!! Now i know it’s only because of his insecurities even thought he had that amazing confident mask on and he wanted to control me !
– it felt like he is trying to purposely irritate me or poke me so i get jealous or react or something but i always ignored his attempts and acted cool … Or i tried till i finally had enough of his changed behaviour and told him about all my confusions and that i can’t do it this way anymore … I wrote that in an email because i didn’t know when would be the next time we’d see each other !
He replied a few days later that he had read my message and is not ignoring it !
And to thos day i havent heard anything back ! Its been 2 weeks
At this point i dont know if he is giving me the silent treatment or i m going no contact … All i know is that i wont be like his other exes and i WILL go away !

Now i know it s only because he wants me to react and run after him and say why haven’y u replied so that he tells me i’m needy !!! And feels in control !

I feel like after all this time with my ex who mentally abused me (because i let him though ), i go and fall for some one who is a narcissist again ?!?!?!

I am a successful , beautiful , nice buisness woman who has a warm heart and sees through people but can not think that they can be this evil ! So i feel bad for their insecurities , and i see through them all… I see why my ex used to cheat … It does’t hurt me anymore !! I don’t know … In my head i pity them for being sick But don’t hold it against them ! Now i think i was wrong ! That they know exactly what they are doing … I used to think it’s meant to be that me and my ex find our way back to each other no matter what happens !!!! So naive and dumb ! :(((
Thank you everyone for your posts and sharing your ecperiences … It helped me alot

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    Kim Saeed July 1, 2015

    Thank you for stopping by and for sharing your story, Lisa <3

    Reply
JJ512 June 16, 2015

Thank you for this blog. I did not know much about narcissism until I started reading posts like these online. I truly believe I was in a relationship for 3+ years with a girl who at the very least has narc tendencies. I, unfortunately, cheated on her and owned up to it, which I regret (and if fact it made me wonder if perhaps I was the narcissist and not her). While I know there are no excuses for what I did, I know deep down that it is not part of my character. I’m sure people here can understand how empty and hollow you feel when dating someone who seems unable and unwilling to reciprocate feeling of love and affection. I was at a very low point in our relationship.

My story is so similar to many I have read. A truly gorgeous girl who I fell head over heels for in a matter of months. Sex started very quickly and for the first year happened regularly. I thought I had for sure met the girl I was going to marry. After a year or so, the fights started happening more regularly. She seemed to prioritize her own social life over being around me, and most importantly never seemed bothered if we didn’t see each other. She would get overly upset over the smallest things and then refuse to tell me what was wrong or talk to me about them. Often times she would be upset and I wouldn’t be sure if it was something I did or not. I was left in a constant state of doubt and the uneasy feeling of walking on egg shells constantly, trying my best not to say or do something that would set her off. She attributed her inability to express emotions or have serious conversations to her rough teenage years..although she conveniently would never tell me what happened during those times or why they still affect her today. Needless to say we never established any sort of deep emotional connection. Our relationship felt completely superficial, even after 3 years. During our last year it seemed as though she was purposely creating distance between us. We had stopped having sex regularly. She claims she had a reason for not wanting to have sex, but instead of telling it to me she would just fend me off if I tried to initiate things. She was gone to a different city during the week for school and would still choose to stay back on some weekend nights to go out with her friends instead of being with me. Additionally she would make plans and not invite me. I began to feel detached and hollow and depressed. Deep down I knew that I wasn’t getting the things out of the relationship that I needed, but if I were to bring things up she would either shut the conversation down or get angry with me. During the course of the relationship, she would get mad if I got upset about something she did or said…subsequently I would end up apologizing for getting mad! It was impossible to get her to admit she was wrong or apologize for anything. Even after the times she would blow up at me over trivial things…never an apology..never seemingly any remorse. During the course of our relationship she drunkenly stayed over at both her ex-bf places…looking back I can’t believe I was such a fool to just let things like that slide..but she had a way of always making me forget and forgive (something she would never do). When she was mad she would never tell me verbally what was wrong. She would often shut down and refuse to talk to me..only to lash out at me later via text.

I felt constantly unsure of where our relationship stood. One minute it would seems she wanted to get married, the next she would say something that make it sound like she didn’t. Then later deny that she said that.

Of course, after we broke up she told me that I ruined her fairy tale and that she did want to marry me and things that made me feel extra guilty. I do not believe her though. She told me a month later that she never shed a tear about anything that happened. Additionally, she was out and met a guy (of course a bulky, good looking one) within 2 weeks of breaking up.

I admit that I had some very low points during the last 6 months. I constantly wondered if I really did make a huge mistake and if she really was this great girl who I messed things up with. After reading blogs and posts like this I truly know that is not true now. I don’t believe she had any deep emotional investment in our relationship and I know that I shouldn’t have to be treated that way. The very fact that she moved on to a new guy within 2 weeks of “the man of her dreams breaking her heart” only proves that point more.

I really tried hard to get some closure for myself and talk to her. She, of course, has provided me no closure and based on what I have read, doesn’t have any interest in giving me any.

I found myself always looking her up on social media to see what she was up to. When I saw her actively flirting with the guy she had met a couple weeks after we split..I knew she was doing things just to make me feel even worse. It was then that I decided to go “NO Contact.” I stopped following her on social media and haven’t sent her a text or call in over a month. She later tried to add me on fb but I denied it. I have felt liberated and am doing much better. I plan to continue no contact, because I know that if I try to text her she will only make a point to knock down my self-esteem again.

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Kelly June 7, 2015

I was with my ex for 20 years. He refused to get counseling together so I went alone. The bad advice I was given–to do and say positive things will supposedly lead him to do and say positive things because if one person who wants it to get better CAN theoritically make a change–had the opposite affect and made my life worse! He became more absent and more egotistical… Looking back on it, more narcissistic. Even when my father was dying, I was the one who was selfish and wrong. I didn’t know the signs of a narc until 3 years after I left him. He is still manipulative and controlling, since we share custody of a child. And he has a new girl living with him days after a judge ordered him to leave. I was extremely fearful of him and going to court, but I listened to my lawyer, which he didn’t want me to have, and a support group, which he didn’t want me to attend; it gave me strength and I won all of my battles. The judge saw through his web of lies that he would weave. He cannot be alone. He treats all women the same and will soon have another one on the hook. I just hope I can give my child strength to understand what he is and to be smarter than I. Your post is spot on. I am now still healing from the years of abuse, at least I now know the truth. Thank you for your enlightening article!

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    Kim Saeed June 13, 2015

    Thanks for sharing your story, Kelly! Ironically, badly-trained therapists are one of the biggest obstacles in healing from Narcissistic abuse.

    Glad you’re moving on in your healing journey <3

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    Mary June 26, 2015

    I just want to share for all those still in those relationships – it wasn’t until I realized that I deserved more and that I’m a worthwhile person that I could get out – and stay out. From time to time, I’m still tempted after 6 years to contact him, but I know it’s like an addiction – all or nothing or it doesn’t work. So Kim’s words are spot on – and the ONLY way to begin to value oneself is to walk away and stay away. 12 step CoDA meetings helped me because everyone there is in the same boat at different stages.

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      Kim Saeed June 27, 2015

      Mary, thank you so much for your insight. 12-step programs have indeed helped many people and I highly recommend them if they’re available in one’s area <3

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Sue June 4, 2015

Hi, I endured 39 years with a narcisist, he first assaulted me when I was 7 months pregnant after just 2 months of marriage, I’d known him just one year then, met him on my 18th birthday. By the speed of everything up to that point I now know this is classic narcistic behaviour but it took me 39 years of misery to understand this and only then because he left me for a woman he met while Internet dating. Of course he blamed me, I was a nasty bitch etc etc, I was devastated and in shock for months. I let him get away with so much, alleged affairs, financial abuse, physical abuse, sex stopped well before he left, that was my fault as well. I found out he was Internet dating 5 years before he left me, but again blamed myself, I burnt the evidence I had reams of print outs from his works computer a letter from his company before they sacked him, a letter from his next job telling him to get counselling as he was a threat to society, he even forged my signature on a remortgage. All of this and more I forgave as ‘it was my fault’ he’d convinced me. I could go on but it would take all day. My issues are still great, the worst of which is my children who are 41 and 38, still tell me he was just selfish and I have to accept my part in all this, I didn’t want to accept what he was really up to and accepted his evil condemnation of me. He’s still with the woman he left me for, hasn’t lost anything financially but chooses to have nothing to do with his family here.
If you read my story And have any similar things going on in your relationship GET OUT, don’t wait for things to get better, they don’t, I wasted my life on a man who didn’t care one bit for me, learn from my mistakes

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LuckyWoman May 29, 2015

Dear Kim, dear all,
great blog. Thank you! Once in a while I keep looking on sites like yours to “remember”. For me there iS this need to remember the crap I put myself through, just so I will never ever see a tiny bit positive (just in case it happens) in this complete loser called my ex narc (+ alcohol).

One day, after almost 3 years with this guy he sent me a video of his daughter and after that he filmed his pee in the toilet. Of all the shit I went through with this poor little banana peel , that was the topping of the ice. My inner voice FINALLY said “ENOUGH”, and FINALLY I listened to my voice! I took myself as important; i will NOT take lies, gaslightning, “punishing”, yelling, silent treatment, stealing my words, my time, my nerves, my energy, no more “you are the one” and “where have you been all my life” bull. No more betrayal, no more fear, No more asshole. Period.

After that Video, I told him how disgusting he is, that I KNOW he just waited for me to break up and that I hope the other women can “Internet” him what he needs. blocked him on my email account (BLOCK – not just Spam – not possible to get emails from N dude), erased ALL his numbers, quit contact to his “friends” without explanation, deinstalled Viber, no Facebook, new phonenumbers, … in other words: I completely kicked him out of my life, and destroyed all ways for him to get back in.

To make it short: No contact for almost 2 years.

And THAT IS DEFINITELY THE BEST THING I EVER DID! I said “yes” to ME and “no” to the little tick.

Please, go no contact. It IS hard, and you will have nights and days full of tears, doubts, pity and hell. But I tell you, IT IS WORTH IT to walk through this! Because you walk towards YOU.

I gained so much power, I am the person I want to be (still learning) and I listen to my gut instinct, which is really exciting. I needed “him” as an experience. That´s all he was. Today I can honestly say, I did not love him, I was was addicted. Hard when I found that out, hard to reflect. I felt love before, no, that was not love. In love, but it never grew, cause I was always busy with “keeping” him entertained an being the Ms. Understanding so he would see that I am really “the one”….

Today, I often laugh about myself. Not in a bad way. In a way that makes me happy, NOW that I SEE SO CLEARLY, he´s is so little, a poor little empty shell…

All the best for you!

Greetings from Germany

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    Kim Saeed May 29, 2015

    Thank you for sharing your story, LuckyWoman. Glad you’ve moved on <3

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    Anonymous September 6, 2015

    Hi.

    Thank you so very much for sharing your experience. I am happy you found a way to heal yourself.
    Reading your post, I initially was stunned by the writing style of ‘perfectly blunt’ attitude. However, it was that type of expression which made me feel stronger. Thank you again.

    Reply
      Kim Saeed September 6, 2015

      It’s indeed a wonderful story, Someone 🙂

      Reply
    Kim Saeed September 6, 2015

    This is a truly awesome success story! I’d love to share it with my followers, but only with your permission, of course 🙂

    Reply
crystiff99121123 May 22, 2015

I dodged a bullet with a Narcissist before getting involved. He knew I saw him and liked him first. He took that to his advantage and asked me for sex outright. When I said no. Not like that he sought to embarrass me by telling friends I was looking for marriage. I tried to talk to him afterwards. He ignored my texts my calls everything. I couldn’t get through to him. I felt like I was apologising over and over and over to him and he continually ignored me. He would constantly feed me crumbs to let me know he sees my messages. Eventually I called him on it. I told him he enjoys it. He wanted me to ask him for sex and I was on the brink of falling for his mind fuck. Then I read this. These are highly intellectual beings. They know exactly what to do to get what they want.

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    Kim Saeed May 23, 2015

    Indeed they do, Crystiff…so glad to know you dodged the bullet. Thank you for sharing – your story may help someone else dodge their own bullet <3

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A good daddy May 8, 2015

Please pardon the silly typos. Swype had narcissistic tendencies if you let it 🙂

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A good daddy May 8, 2015

Oh Kim, I have to correct you in the kindest terms. After finding you’re site recently, I’ve read stories from others that sounds identical to my marriage to my ex wife. The man who just wrote about a 22 yr marriage to his after her boyfriends died off, I was nodding and couldn’t help but wonder in amazement how he was able to hand on for that many years to his problem child. I made it just shy of 7 to mine, and if I had any backbone it would have ended after 3 yrs. But then a child came along, our pregnancy, and it was the most calm, less anger, than she ever was at any other time. But Kim, where I have to beg you’re forgiveness in checking you is this…we had a young toddler, and the NO CONTACT mode just isn’t applicable due those like us. Why? As much as we’d like to have no-contact it just ain’t gonna happen when a small child has to be exchanged.

Every time she pulls up with him, I being the reasonable parent that won’t argue in front of the child, she gets to act out her demonic fantasies on a helpless me who can only mildly rebuke her while running to get the front door locked. There is NO WAY to have separation with a co-custody parent. Unless you want to get a court order batting her/ him from your premises, which will look even stranger to our now 6 yr old child.

Want to harm the child even more? Let the child believe that his mommy and daddy hate each other so much that they can’t even look at each other. For there’s no rationalizing yet with a 6 yr old about the facts that Leo us apart in the first place.

There will chime a day where I can be more honest with our child, but Kim, at this age it’s a pipe dream to think you can just check out and bar the mother from ever having our child ever see us together.

There’s, to a certain degree, just a lot of covert acting to keep the boat from rocking again. I think I can handle that until the child’s old enough to begin asking questions…which isn’t the tune you should chime our and just dump on their mommy.

Kid gloves. That’s my role until they’re 18.

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    Kim Saeed October 25, 2015

    Hi Good Daddy, thank you for stopping by. I apologize for the delay in responding as I’m just seeing your comment.

    I can relate to your situation as I share a 6 yr-old son with my NEx. I have implemented extreme Modified Contact. The only way my Ex can contact me is through the landline or by email. And honestly, it wasn’t that long ago that he couldn’t contact by email, either.

    As far as those times when you two are exchanging your child, there are things you might do that could help cut down on the stress and her meltdowns in front of your child. I used to meet in front of the local police station for exchange times. I’ve also had my older son (who is 17) take my little one down to his dad in the parking lot. Others get help from friends or family members who fill in for them during exchange times. Yes, the narc doesn’t like it when they don’t get to attack us, and they may throw a fit, but after a while, things usually settle down.

    Oh, and you’re right – it’s not a good idea to dump on the disordered parent, no matter how angry we might be. We only add to the confusion when we do that because small children often internalize these things. I never talk badly about my Ex to my son. I don’t know what the Ex might say about me, but I let that go a long time ago.

    Best 🙂 Kim

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Kasey May 1, 2015

Thank you Kim for this website, it has helped me figure out what I was dealing with. Today was the final blow after a year of this Narcissist who I once thought was my Mr. Right. A month ago I caught him cheating, tried to work it out and the devaluing and discarding started to happen. A couple of weeks ago I went no contact and he went silent. He moved, changed his phone number and virtually disappeared. The only form of contact was a online chat with about 20 friends from around the country who had never met him but had known both of us from an online game we played. He posted a note supposedly from his ex wife that he had died in a horrific boating accident and passed away 4 days ago and that he asked her to post to his friends on that chat ap. I was beside myself with grief for about 2 minutes and realized he was faking his own death. My question is, what was he thinking? Why would he fake his own death? To hurt me for going no contact? I am so perplexed because he also went silent, why was that not enough?

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    Kim Saeed October 25, 2015

    Hi Kasey, I’m sorry for the late reply as I didn’t see your comment until just now…

    I’ve heard of this scenario a few times. Usually, they do that so they can start a new life in anonymity…often to avoid paying large debts and get away from people who are after them, including past partners (who they may own money or child support to).

    I hope you don’t take it too personally – I’d be willing to bet he was fleeing from things and people you aren’t even aware of.

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Alan May 1, 2015

I know my girlfriend is a pathalocigal narsscistic liar I have been with her for 3 years and had no clue on how to make it stop I have been doing exactly what she wants and had no idea until now. Very greatfull I found this and took it apon my self to do some research unfortunately I can’t quite leave we have a child together but I still don’t know if the child is mine due to she never will go get a DNA testing done. I was there in the hospital when my child was born but still she refused me my right as this child’s Father. But now at least I know what it us going to take for me to stop this madness!

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Jorge April 28, 2015

My wife made me believe that I was a sick jealous possessive man, that took me to therapy last December . The first visit as my therapist asked me why was I there, I replied- I am sick jealous person and I need help because I love my wife and I do not want to lose her. After a few visits I discovered that my wife is a Narcissit. She finally left me for this person. ( he and his wife were our friends ) . Even the day she left a week and a half ago , she looked at me and told me that I had falsely accused her and forced her to leave and to have to face the world for something she did not do. I have not told her that I have in my posession an abundance of evidence showing her infidelity ( on my attorney’s advice ) The pain that a person needs to endure goes beyond words, only those married to a Narcissit can comprehend about sleepless nights , consumed day and night trying to figure out what can be done to show how much you care, how much you love. Everything is meaningless for a Narcissit has no heart, no feelings , no emotions. The only thing that matters is THEM. God be with you and help you if you are going through this . Remember You Did Not Failed .

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udontexist April 24, 2015

This is one of the best things online I’ve read about narcissists ever (and believe me I’ve read a ton). Thanks! I think we need more “quotes” from narcissists themselves out there for us to see.

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Jack April 21, 2015

Correction to my first comment. The following sentence is incorrect. “My hearing on the criminal charges against her keeps being postponed by my attorney “until the divorce is settled”.” This should read as: My hearing on the criminal charges against “me” keeps being postponed by my attorney… Sorry for the confusion.

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Jack April 21, 2015

PS, I was at the scene of her accident. I had stopped and pulled up into a side street. We were about 2 miles from our house in a 25mph zoned residential neighborhood. It was a secluded neighborhood with a large security house at the entrance. It was about 1/4 of a mile ahead and I knew she would be coming after me pretty fast and was afraid she had had too much to drink and was too angry that she would kill herself and the guard at the security house. The lanes narrowed on each side so that you had to go through them very slowly. Incoming traffic actually had to stop and card in or sign in. Anyway, I pulled up a few feet up the last side street before the security house. I was in my little Honda Civic and she had jumped in my Ford Expedition. We had gone out to listen to live music that night I found out later that she had other men at the place buying her glasses of wine when I went to the restroom. I don’t drink and didn’t drink then either. We had started a side business together and it was real busy at the time, so I thought this Friday night we would unwind and maybe dance a little. I smelled the alcohol on her breath, but didn’t say anything. On the way home, she started arguing about some letter that she had found in my personal affects that I had written to a previous girlfriend and became very irate that I had not written her such a letter. I told her that if she treated me better and stopped accusing me of things, that I might be inclined to write her such a letter. She flew off the handle and started hitting me on the right arm and shoulder. We weren’t far from home and so when she opened the door and stepped inside the house, I immediately turned around and got back in the car and left, like I had a number of times before. I usually slept in a cul-de-sac, but once when I left on foot, I slept in a neighbors bass boat that had a cover on it until I had to go t work the next morning. I left and about 5 minutes later here she came down another street th I was about to turn on. I turned in the other direction and she screeched to a halt and turned around. I sped way and then realized that I was going about 50 and that the guard house was coming up. I pulled up into the side street and looked back and then saw her come over the small hill and around the curve the hill was in as the slammed on brakes causing the Expedition to spin around backwards. I turned and looked first in the rear view mirror and then over my other shoulder as the expedition hit the grass and did a complete flip and landed on its wheels. I backed up and hit a stop sign knocking it over and drove forward to put lights on he scene. I found her out on the grass next to the still running SUV on her stomach. I rolled her over and saw that her left leg was in extremely bad shape. I won’t go into graphic detail, but I took off my shirt and tied it around her upper thigh as a tourniquet and held it tight, then dialed 911 with one hand and waited for an EMT to arrive. It took about 15 minutes during which time I kept her awake by talking to her telling her how much I loved her and that she was going to be OK. She lost 9 units of blood by the time she was life flighted to the hospital. At the hospital, the considered the fact that her femoral artery that had been ripped in two by the driver side window that she had gone through a miracle because it had closed itself off. The EMTs in the helicopter had removed my shirt, once she was on board and treated her however they did. I was not allowed to go with her. I saved her life, I am sure of that. However, the state trooper that investigated didn’t like how my car was parked in the middle of the road and he kept trying to get me to tell him that I was cause of her accident. He grilled me for almost an hour while I sat in his passenger seat. He blatantly called me a liar. If I had not knocked over the stop sign which was a wooden 4″X4″ pole painted forest green, I might have been arrested for attempted manslaughter. But, the bumper of my car had a big green mark on it where I had knocked the sign over. Even afterwards, her mother and father accused me of trying to kill her. Two weeks earlier, I had kicked her out of my house for a week. She cried her way back in and mostly because we had this business together that was at a critical time of year for us, I allowed her to come back in. If I had only made her stay gone, she would still have her leg. In court for my charges, she of course claimed I have tried to kill her and caused her to lose her leg. If my story can be a lesson for anyone, please do not flounder around with someone with these symptoms. It truly could cost you your life, or limbs or their life or limbs or someone else’s. She could just as easily hit a car full of young kids coming down the road. No one did come down the road and I could have walked away from that accident and no one would ever have known. It was about 11:00pm and no one came by. I could have driven away, gone home and pretended like I knew nothing of the accident. But, at the time, it never entered my mind. She wasn’t wearing her seat belt either. She continued to not wear her seat belt even after she recovered and I would always have to insist that she wear it. Her yaw marks on the pavement showed that she was going over 70 miles an hour, that is how much she let her anger drive her to near death. If you are in a crazy relationship and you can’t understand what is happening to someone that you once thought you loved or that you might still love, but this person (he or she) misdirects arguments to be about you instead of about whatever the discussion should be about, then you need to run for your life. If you attempt to discuss with a level head what you consider to be unusual activities by him/her and they cleverly misdirect the discussion to something else or back at you turning it around to be about you, then run for your life. As others noted, if they begin to deny that they said or did something and you know darn well that they said it or did it, then run for your life. If they accuse you of things that you are not doing on some repeated basis, then run for your life. I mean literally, stop all talking, stop all wondering what is going on and run for your life. Think of the movie “Fatal Attraction” and run for your life.

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Jack April 21, 2015

Kim, interesting comments by all. I was married to an alcoholic narcissist for 23 years. Then I was single for 5 years. I didn’t know that is what she was until I sought counseling afterwards. I tried to keep up with her drinking for a number of years. When I stopped, she became disinterested in my. After 5 years, I met a beautiful woman that I fell in love with after having dated a few during my single years. She moved in with me relatively early in our relationship (due to lease optioning her home from her previous divorce requirements). All of the sudden, she changed into a blackmailing, verbally abusive woman that made my head spin. It was a horribly destructive relationship during which time she chased me down in motor vehicles a number of times and during one such chase she wrecked and lost her lower left leg. I nursed her through recovery, but should have hit the road. After 4 years of being together (2.5 years of marriage), I finally filed for divorce after she chased me again with a truck. I drove over 100 miles an hour to get away from her. I found out after her accident from her children that she had chased her son down once and her ex-husband several times. She would often get in my way of leaving the house when she would begin accusing me of infidelity. I was not unfaithful. She had serious separation anxiety. On Mondays, I would receive 4 – 5 phone calls from her a day while I was at work. On Tuesday 5 – 10. By Wednesday she was calling every hour, at least, and when I got home the accusations of meeting other women during lunch, texting other women hundreds of times throughout the day, being in a gay relationship with a man at work, and many other accusations would be thrown my way for hours and hours in the evenings. She would go on and on until 3:00 – 4:00am in the morning causing me to become seriously sleep deprived. I could not go to the local True Value hardware store by myself knowing that maybe not as soon as I returned, but knowing that within the next 72 hours, the accusations would come. I finally left her and that next week she came to my place of business where she told plant personnel and security personnel that a gun was missing from home and that I had said how much I hated everyone at work. She told them my doctor was trying to get in touch with me and that I was off of my medications. She was the one on medications. Not me. I didn’t even have a personal physician at the time. I filed an domestic violence order against her the following day and filed for divorce at the same time. She filed a domestiic violence order against me the next day. When we went to court for the EPO hearing, I found that she had also placed domestic violence charges against me and she had me arrested. I filed for divorce in April 2014. We have another (3rd final) divorce hearing set for May 04, 2015. Our divorce decree was signed and supposedly final November 14th, 2014. She has not done one thing that she was supposed to do. My hearing on the criminal charges against her keeps being postponed by my attorney “until the divorce is settled”. Fortunately for me, she came up to the house and violated the EPO order against her. The first time, I didn’t catch her on camera or video, but I was there and she saw me and left. Two nights later she came back, but I had installed a hidden video camera and so got her on video violating her EPO. I filed charges against her. When we went to the 2nd final divorce hearing in September of 2014, the Judge had already received notice that she had warrants out for her arrest. The very very old and sympathetic judge (sympathetic for the poor woman that lost her leg), immediately went into counsel with my attorney, her attorney and my ex-wife in an ante-chamber and left me for 30 minutes while the developed a negotiation plan. For the next several hours we negotiated with my main interest being that she drop the charges against me for my agreement to drop the charges against her. She was never charged, which is a serious mistake that I made. So we came to financial and dismissal agreement and were divorced on November 14, 2014. I had a pretrial conference for the criminal charges against me in early December. This is how ludicrous the charges are. They initially charged me with 4th degree felony. During the arraignment, the prosecuting attorney took it upon himself to reduce the charges to forth degree misdemeanor, which is how the charges stand now. During the December criminal charge conference, she reneged on her divorce decree agreement to drop the charges and so the charges still stand. My attorney keeps getting my trial moved based on concluding the divorce hearing. But, even my attorney is a bit of a softy in this issue. I did not know him and I found out that he has mostly female clients and his entire staff are women. So, he is kind of a lady’s man himself. The accusations against me are false as all I ever tried to do was leave the house when her accusations would go on for hours. When we first met, she told me she rarely drank. I found alcohol hidden in various places throughout the house. Plus, she had been taking Xanax the night of her accident and had 4 glasses of wine to drink. I had been with her almost 2 years prior to the accident and I had no idea she had been taking Xanax the entire time. I didn’t find out until I read the medical records that showed she had Xanax in her system. I think Xanax was part of the reason for the abusive sociopathic episodes she would have that would go on until the wee hours of the mornings. She threatened me often. She threatened to tell my new manager that I was having affairs. She threatened to tell my children that I was a child pornographic addict and that I was bi-sexual. She did call my present manager a couple of days after I filed the EPO against her. She told her that I had repeatedly abused her. Fortunately for me, my manager (who is a happily married woman) and I get along very well. I had already told her a little about what was going on and told her that I had left my wife several days earlier. She loved to buy me things, but would then threaten to take them away if I tried to divorce her. I learned pretty early on to not let her pay for anything. Well, that wasn’t so good either, because then I was paying for everything. She could invent an argument in a second. She could divert the conversation away from herself in a second. She is a masterful manipulator. She has a very high IQ, I think. She was smarter than me, that is for sure. She sucked me right in and captured me. I was trapped in my own home. She would run in front of the car if I made it outside to leave. She would call 911 and tell them I’m beating her when I got to the door to leave and would then hang up if I stayed. There is so much more to this story that is still in progress. I am so disillusioned with myself for having chosen someone that is so much worse than my first wife. My young adult children are involved. She pretended to be one way with them, so they don’t know what I know about her. They have no idea how I was physically and emotionally abused and blackmailed. The last year or so we were together, she managed to win them over to her and starting telling them terrible lies about my supposed infidelity and being gay and other things. I drive 1 hour and 5 minutes one way to work each day. I work a 9/80 schedule, which means 8 days out of 9 I work a 10 hour day including lunch and then one 9 hour day. I have every other Friday off. My work required me to be away from home just over 12 hours a day, yet somehow, I was supposed to be having numerous affairs. She bough spyware and got my EIS number from my phone and tracked my GPS, text msgs, and phone calls with an online tracking service that is supposed to be for employers and parents to monitor their children. I would provide the name here, but I don’t want to assist anyone in using such vile software. She didn’t find out anything. She was so proud of using it to monitor me that she finally told
me about it and showed me the subscription receipt. I got a copy and gave to my attorney. He didn’t even bring it up in court. I found out she accused her first husband of being gay during their divorce. I am not gay. I’m not even bi. I don’t care if others are really, but it isn’t for me. I think abstinence is for me. For the rest of my life. I’m 59 years old and never been in any trouble in my life. My kids no longer talk to me or come see me. They’ve been told by my ex-wife that I abused them/molested them when they were little. She has done and said the most horrible things. I was at a point that suicide seemed the only way out for awhile. But, I got over that. She actually connected with my first wife and stayed with her after I filed for divorce because I got the house. They colluded against me and perpetuated the molestation thing. My 2nd wife tried to convince local authorities that I was a child molester, a purveyor of child pornography and has told my children all of this trashy rubbish. It has been the most horrible existence in my life. I would rather be married again to my first wife for 50 years than be married to this 2nd wife for 10 minutes. But, I never want to marry again. The thought sickens me. I choose abusive, sick women to be with. I fall in love with who they pretend to be and then they aren’t who they pretend to be. I don’t know why, but I sure as heck am not interested. I like having a companion, which is the codependent in me, I’m sure. There are many more things that have occurred. There is a great video by Roy Sheppard about dangerous women that is on YouTube. I am certain that my exwife has symptoms of narcissistic behavior and borderline personality disorder. Her mother had her in pageants as a child. She was gorgeous and her hair was always so very important to her. She is 1/4 American Indian and did have beautiful long black hair that everyone raved about. Her father was an alcoholic and got her mom pregnant with her when her mom was 14. Her mom had already had a child at the age of 12 by another man and the boy was given to her older sister to be raised as my ex-wife’s “cousin” even though he was really her half brother. Her father was abusive to her mother. Her mother and father are extremely religious now. I mean to a fault. They quote the Bible about every single thing and think that all their daughter needs is to get right with the Lord. It has turned me away from religion. It is sickening. Oh yes, after our separation, but before the divorce was finalized, my exwife got a DUI in the next county over. We moved in 2013 to another state for my work and so we are not known here. The local authorities have not arrested her on her EPO violations. I later found that she vandalized my satellite dish and stole some personal property when she was recorded breaking her EPO. I filed those charges against her, but she has never been served. When she got the DUI, she was arrested for DUI, open container, and 4 moving violations. She is on mugshots.com. She got off of all charges and moved back to her home state where we used to live. She still has 2 outstanding warrants for her arrest. These were outstanding when she stood in the county courthouse and stated that she didn’t want to drop my charges. She was in their courtroom and she wasn’t arrested. I called the sheriff to find out why. He was always out. I could tell he wasn’t by how the receptionist would ask me who was calling, what my business was and then turn around and muffle the phone or one time put it on hold and obviously spoke with the sheriff about it. Finally, one call, someone else answered (I’m not going to say who), but they told me that they didn’t want to have to deal with her and that was why she wasn’t being arrested. This is a violation of my rights. Anyway, there is so much more to this story. I hope that if anyone reading this has a partner that has done any similar things to them, they run like crazy to get away. Go see an attorney, make a plan for your best benefit financially, and get the heck out of there for your own safety and sanity.

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Fool March 29, 2015

I really wish no one has to live a nightmare like falling for a narcissist. After 10 years of relationship he has treated me like garbage, cheated on me more times that I can tell, 4-5 girls at the same time each of them believing he is the most wonderful guy ever and all of them believe they have a serious relationship with my narc. I’m the only one who knows his parents. Every time he cheats on me I’m the one who ends up apologizing and promising to be better. He has tried to kill me too. He asked me to film my mother naked to prove him my love, he is addicted to film all his sexual encounters and ask for naked pictures of countless girls, young, older, married, single, it doesn’t matter. He says he will never leave me because I’m the only one who truly loves him, one day he pretends to love me a couple of hours later he acts in the cruelest way possible towards me, and the when I’m crying he ask: what’s wrong with you? I got fired because I have a “problematic relationship” he has a lot of money but he always ask me to lend him something and of course I’ve never say no. I have lots of debts but it have never failed him. My life is a nightmare and I’m sure if he’ll exist the it has to be like my “fake Prince Charming relationship” I have no idea how to go no contact, each time I tried to he sends me messages saying I’m sleeping with somebody else and once he sent my pictures to my close friends. He has threated me to do something in my job or family. I just want this to end.

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CJ March 29, 2015

I am just entering my recovery period! Not exactly sure what that is going to bring, but I am hopeful that this is my new beginning. This is the first time I have opened up to what has been happening to me and finding it hard to put it into words, other than I broke down reading all your posts and realized I too have been around a narc.

I lost myself, my home, my businesses everything to this man, and sadly even though I had to take out a restraining order (No contact) he still is going through old business contacts to get his revenge.

There is so much inside me that this man did to me its overwhelming and dont know where to start, but reading your comments has helped me to understand that I am not alone and I am not crazy afterall, hopefully!

I intend to now start my recovery and realize that sharing it is a start and all your comments have helped me do that. So I thank you…

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Kiki March 25, 2015

Dumped my narcissistic best friend…best thing I ever did! She was a nightmare. Although it was hard to detect her narcissism (we lived in different areas), it became apparent once we began to see each other more often. The more success I had, the more gaslighting, ignoring, lying, etc. behaviors she exposed. As my mom would have said, “Good riddens to bad rubbish!” – lol. Last vacation she was nothing but horrible, and kept trying to make me react to her infantile tactics. She knew I was done so she called me the day after vacation trying manipulate me. I let her think things were fine. A month later I unfriended her on FB, we don’t have any common friends, so it was quiet and over. No contact works like a charm! You will miss the chats, but you will realize the reality of this person. A year later, I don’t miss her at all! Set yourself free now!

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Haley March 23, 2015

I’m looking for advice on how to deal with a narcissist when you are divorced but still have children together.

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Confused March 14, 2015

I dated a narc for a year and a half. He discarded me even after I endured lying, flirting with other women in front of me all the time, texting other women (I have no doubt b/c he was always texting) emotional and verbal abuse from him and I found out he cheated on me with many women including seeing two other girls for 2-3 months behind my back. He blamed me for his all his actions including the break up even though he dumped me. He took me off of Facebook and other social media. I just couldn’t believe it. He actually feels justified in how he treated me, doesn’t think he did anything wrong, no responsibility and has no remorse. On top of that, he talked badly about me to his friends and family and told them I was crazy, clingy, emotional, etc. He even played the victim and acted angry and rude towards me which totally threw me off how HE could do that being that I was abused and I did nothing to him, in fact, he knows he got away with ALOT. Unfortunately, I had to work with him for a few months after the break up and my coworkers loved him and thought he was Mr. Wonderful. He played that up and rubbed it in my face. Well, the next girl he dated was the opposite of me in looks and personality. She was assertive and confident and apparently wouldn’t tolerate his bad behavior so I guess he was on his best behavior with her for at least a few months. After 5 months, she dumped him because she saw a suspicious text from another women and he was being disrespectful to her. I guess she couldn’t stop/prevent his bad behavior completely. What I don’t understand is, why was he calling her and trying to get her back and didn’t take her off of social media when she was the one who dumped him but when he got dumped he wanted nothing to do with me and demonized me after all I did for him? Was he just trying to smooth things over and get her back because of the damage to his ego? He doesn’t say anything bad about her.They have mutual friends and I heard that they are being cordial with each other when they and their mutual friends hang out together. It’s confusing to me because SHE dumped him and she is being treated better in the aftermath than I was. Please let me know why he would be acting much nicer with her while he was downright mean and cruel with me.

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    solost March 16, 2015

    I am in need of help. I had an on/off roller coaster ride with a married N for three years. This consisted primarily of me listening to his sad stories about his marriage, listening to excuses that I rationalized as believable, hours reassuring him of my love for him, constant hypocrisies of him being allowed to behave ways I couldn’t, defensiveness over the slightest things, amazing mind blowing intimacy and then an argument (usually over me questioning his behavior) and the abrupt illogical discard. This leads to me begging, pleading, and him taking me back. This has happened countless times. I finally had enough and left him. I did ok for 7 weeks but today made a ridiculous excuse to have to call him. I left a voicemail and for no response. This has sent me back to square one. I’m replaying all that’s transpired, trying to make sense of his mixed messages, reading his old texts, beating myself up over what I could have done different, feeling rejected and mentally unstable all over again. I am questioning my sanity, my behaviors. I want closure. I know my mind tells me he’s no good and closure is not possible but I find it hard to let go when we’ve always gotten back together. I believed I meant so much to him. To see that as a lie hurts so much. Why do I undo the hard work over the last 7 weeks? I suppose I wanted to know he missed me and the answer is devastating. Any advice?

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No name March 11, 2015

I didn’t go trough all the comments, but I am sure I am not the only case. I am gay and I have seen this bisexual guy for quite a while. sometimes is ones a week, sometimes I don’t see him for 3 weeks or even for a month. He is absolutely beautiful but hallow inside. I blocked him in my phone recently and he called today from another number, I was in shock, I had never hear his voice on the phone until today. He asked why I haven’t returned his messages, I could not come with a good answer at the moment.
He is very concerned about people finding out about his bisexual life style, that’s why he doesn’t play all those games that a “Regular” Narcissist plays, which is something on my favor.
I think my ego plays against his and I know this is a very dangerous game. I don’t ever contact him, he is the one who always proposes to get together. I just need to stay away from him.

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Anonymous March 10, 2015

Thanks for posting this, Kim! I left my narc ex for a month. I clearly do not want him back because after the break up, he sent me all kind of ugly emails and texts. He defamed me, treated me like a dirt, and is still trying hard to make contact with me, including sending untrue stories about me to others. What didn’t make sense to me at first was that – although it was very close to – he was so smart not to leave any hint or track of “blackmailing” or “threatening”, but he thought that degrading me with untrue stories over the Internet, to the people I knew and I didn’t know, would work. I had talked to a Dr because I was so helpless, and she said – altho he had never been diagnosed (maybe he had, I don’t know) as narc, that people with PD were not thinking the same as the rest of us. Also, after reading several articles including yours, altho I still not be able to fully understand a narc, I have a slight idea of what is in his mind. I am still stressed out by his harassment, not because I believe that I am low – his words won’t put me down after all – but he has tons of times to play this game and wouldn’t let go. I am following the NC advice the Dr and the expertise articles gave me. I will close down as many contacts as I can. Thanks for the advice of the “true NC”.

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May February 27, 2015

Thanks for everyone for these posts. I am on a full month of NO CONTACT with this Monster!!! It is truly amazing how they are all the same. I was brain washed….I really wanted to believe his lies. I love the quote “How do you know a narcissist is lying to you?” HIS LIPS ARE MOVING. One day, after he pulled the disappearing act, sent me an email…”didn’t have wifi service in this remote area, I went to bed at 9pm…” that was the last and final lie. He I blocked him on ALL social media. He sent me a bullshit pink card for Valentine’s Day. I looked at his “disguised handwriting” with no return address. As I debated whether or not to open it…I got some much needed self discipline after not having many for 5 on and off years. Oh boy, the lies and seduction, and put downs….So, I SENT IT BACK TO HIM UNOPENED. AND FELT SUCH A RUSH OF LOVE…..FOR MYSELF!!!! YAY!!! ONE DAY AT A TIME! What a user, abuser, lying, emotionally impotent fraud…physically, too….food disorder…ocd, bad credit….sneaky, and emulated me to have people like him…I am kind, beautiful, smart. He destroyed his first wife….NOT gonna be me, though. He is 61, in the movie business, and over inflates his own importance. Hates “those entitled” bitches on the set…who are his bosses…pathetic pics of facebook of him and “his pals” movie stars, bragging that they were all flirting with him…..he is handsome and funny, but delusional….and pathetic on so many levels…thanks for this blog!!! I love all of it, Kim!

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    Kim Saeed April 18, 2015

    Thank you very kindly, May. I hope No Contact is still going well for you. Wishing you all the very best in your recovery.

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      Janet Curtis June 26, 2016

      I live alone and am disabled. I was taking care of my folks in another state for nearly 10 yrs! then they got my niece out of prison..there was no room for me. i left. dad died sad. moms been abused by her grandaughter for 3 yrs while on parole! then she went to serve her sentence..when the parole officer said she can come HOME now my mother said NO WAY! good or her..BUT it shocked the woman who then went to a halfway house. she had toled my brother well I hate granny too shes dead to me. Then while making plans to rent out mmy home and go bk to care for mom, she was distracted by this felon..can I have yr car? NO. can i come bk to yr house? no? will you pay rent on my apartment? no. well then she did. then she let her back, then she gve her the benefit of the doubt she was changed. the firt few mins of her arrival mom called crying and saying shes not better,, shes worse I made another mistake!. so I cant go home! Then out of the blue the brat called adult protctive services to claim i was financially abusing my mom. I want to give her money, this niece called her bank and impersonated her and used her card a felony again(so is false accusations) which she must have realized so she had my 90 yr old mom give her control of her finances! This investigator got a call from my now aunt not speaking..that i sold my house or rented it out nd was gone! This shocked me to the core. now I have ten family members talking about me and i have NO clue whats happening! at all it is eating my brain. I didnt do anything ever to hurt my parents BUT she is in the way of me being able to pay my bills or get any help from anyone! I used to have alot of money..now I am broke and need the help my mom agreed to give me. Now I am to have no contact at all. no one will back me up even though they know how she is and they got angry at poor moms bad decisions. I talk to mom daily if im not theree, but all of a sudden she just hangs up, niece rips mail from her and takes phone away and listens to everything mom says even if its not about HER!. mom thought she would go to work and get her own place then I could come down.Niece sent nasty letter saying ME a 64 yr old disabled person needs to get off my ass because shes not going to let MOM pay for anything for me and now she says im never leaving this is MY household and Im going to protect my MOM (HUH)? and MY household! three siblings are angry but I have no clue who is doing or saying what. I tried to have a friend call who knows about the abouse from 12 yrs ago. she said my niece turned on the speaker and mom couldnt answer her at all. who is that how come i dont know her. mom said its a friend of jans..when i called bk. niece and said what do u care who my friend is? she couldnt answer..she wanted to know what hosp i had been in not how was I or anything just yr mean not to call mom for 4 days., when i did mom put christi nice on the phone and she began to namecall. said you are under investigation! no more helping you.etc! then she gave me the investigators number when i called her she said I told her specifically NOT to give out my number. well sociopaths dont listen to anyone. If she leaves shes homeless. if she doesnt leave.I cant afford to stay here. then out of the blue without knowing whats happening my aunt called during this visit at my moms and said janet rented out yr house!? investigator explains you cant do that. I said thats a misunderstanding. Of course I would if this grandaughter would leave, but not now that mom let her bk in! I would not do that or anything but shes turned everything inside out it so ludicrist! Now I dont have contact with my mother! talk about a control freak and shes also turned my entire family away from me! I asked for help my aunt was never told how badly my mom was being controlled. I told her for our sake she better tell someone! So now IM the abuser!? I did more for my wonderful parents than everyone put together. their words. and its true. Mom doesnt realize that she ccan stop the investigation anytime! and I told everyone this and to pls let her know. they refused no one has used their voices to speak to me.Most just stay away or never see her act up! mom called me so many times complaining and crying..now im the one left in tears wondering how she could allow this At wits end and hurt beyond belief!how can i tell my mom to tell her this isnt a done deal you have a right to tell the truth! I never abuseed used impersonated my mom or dad. Shes coheared into saying whatever this evil person says. andall she really has to do is say MY DAUGHTER IS NOT MY ABUSER AND I never give her help because she asks I help everyone. And know shes in a bind because i let that grandaughter come back here! no ne cares if i live or die. not having money is NOT my fault. But renting the house im in for 27 yrs IS going to give mom peace and money..but she cant do anything now the freak has control AGAIN! Even got rid of her sister who took good care of mom when she was in prison! the investigator said dont you know ppl who get out of prison and get better? no. i said she wasnt better the first time and shes worse the second time! How do I get someone to tell my mom she has the power to call off this bp raising visits and investigations i heard by law the victim(moms a victim of ME? what a crock) have a right to stop this aps person from continuing to find out if IM lying! i have never lied to my mother. and I hate being called names and she has done all this right in front of others who do and say nothing! my mom didnt even know this person was coming. I should have called aps on her yrs and yrs ago but mom didnt want the commotion. totally lost broke helpless feeling and just shocked and awed that my mom so easily turned against me! i have no contact. but also bills are being thrown in the trash! ripping mail phone from my mom is abuse. I am not an abuser! now what? mom may die while i have no contact. very worried but just sick over such betrayal of many relatives who dont know me and i sure thought they did. I have NOT ONEPERSON IN MY LIFE but I wont allow toxic people just cuz im alone!

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krestin February 25, 2015

lived the same exact crap for five years , I knew he had other women but accepted him for who he was !! He told me he needed the thrill of seducing but does not go any further. crazy crazy I know !!! We broke up and got together at least twicw a year so I figured he can t move on he must really be my great LOVE ha ! I was at a very vulnerable time in my life and he took advantage of it.
Well now I have to ask you how do I make the break up no contact when I work with the guy? love my job don t want to quit.

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    Kim Saeed February 25, 2015

    Krestin, you’d want to implement a kind of low contact, as do parents who share joint custody of children. Just remember, you’re under no obligation to engage in small talk, no matter how innocent it may seem in the presentation. In fact, try to ignore him as much as possible. Does your company have any other locations in your area you might be able to transfer to?

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Change is Near February 24, 2015

Why does it take so long to finally just accept it won’t change!? Dear God I’m gonna need a miracle to get through this step of starting my whole life over. This is just Day one – “acceptance”. Day two is a terrifying thought. Days left living this current life thinking he will change – Beyond Terrifying.

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    Judy October 11, 2015

    May God bless you. And you will be in my prayers……hugs

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Sophia February 19, 2015

My narcissist is such a good liar.He truly had me fooled for the last two years.He has betrayed me over and over and says things like” be my friend” ” I love you” ” we can work it out” now I find out he’s got a new source.some poor hairdresser he went to highschool with who must have been in love with him her whole life.if you know her her name is Leigh and she works at the whistle stop salon in new York.

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deettebarney January 16, 2015

Its been almost 2 weeks since I left and gone no contact. Im going through the text book emotions. The things that get to me the most are that I have started to doubt myself feeling like a failure in the relationship. Things like I should have tried harder or was it really my fault. Ive started to miss the good things. I have him blocked and stay away from the area where we lived. Im afraid, devastated and feel an empty void. When will this feeling start to ease? I read as much as I can on the subject and how to get through a break up. My Dr has me off work because of my mental health. I just dont know how to do this. I find myself looking at my phone all the time hoping he will call. My phone will block his call but still shows if he does. I attempted suicide back in September because of one of his silent treatments brought on by one of those out of the blue you did something wrong rages. I can never figure out what I did wrong. He was the king sitting on his throne and I was the 24/7 slave that did everything for him, and I mean everything. Please help me to get over him. Im so lost.

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    Anonymous January 16, 2015

    Deetabarnee…..
    You will get over this … We all do eventually… Keep reading posts on here … And know that you have support…. I’m 6 weeks no contact after 7 horrendous years… I too harmed myself… Was off work for 5 months a couple years ago because I had a breakdown because of the Corpse! Evil nasty beings… You are worth so much more…. Be glad he’s gone …. You will miss the nice things you did together…. But concentrate on the bad stuff…. These creatures do not change….. Stay strong….

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sothisisholland January 10, 2015

I wish I had found this blog back in May. No, I take that back. Years ago!

I was with a man for thirteen years who left eight times, always because I wasn’t good enough and didn’t make him happy enough. But he kept coming back within weeks and I kept letting him do it. The last time he left it was because I finally kicked him out. The ONE time I truly do that, he files for divorce. He got a new love interest like two months later after he stopped coming over to have sex with me. (Or at least he says two months after. His credit card bills said otherwise.) He has done everything in your blog: told me she was a model, a better mother than me, more physically fit than me, and that being with her was like an eye opener because she’s so much better, etc etc. Of course I let it tear me to pieces. Break my heart and trashy my dignity.

It took about six months total for me to stop being blinded by what I thought the relationship was and that need to be good enough for him. He is still in a relationship with the first woman he met and swears he is in Heaven. I personally think he is just thrilled he isn’t alone. Which is odd since I’ve been dating, but remain single and I’ve never been happier. Even the men I’ve only briefly dated seem to treat me more like a human. It’s crazy.

So to all the people out there going through this, keep going! Break off contact with the person and when you’re finished grieving, work on you! It gets better, it really does.

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Anonymous January 7, 2015

What an awesome post! I am saving and referring to this for strength! Thanks!

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Anonymous December 19, 2014

A friend of mine sent me your link. might of saved my life.
Thank god for friends and You.

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    Kim Saeed December 19, 2014

    I hope you can find helpful information here. Feel free to ask questions <3

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      deettebarney January 17, 2015

      Will they go as far as have a brother call acting as if he didn’t know about the break up? Ive blocked his number but my phone will beep once if someone I have blocked calls. That happened hours before his brother called saying he couldn’t get ahold of my x. I had a restricted call come through this morning at 630. I dont think he knows how to block a number. I just want to prepare myself for what Im up against this time. I don’t want the feeling that Im going crazy. Im trying so hard this time.

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        Kim Saeed January 17, 2015

        I understand completely. I went through a similar situation. I just avoided my Ex’s side of the family until I went to court. He would send his sister to my place and I finally had to inform her that since I’d made it clear I didn’t want her coming over, that I would be forced to call the authorities if she didn’t stop harassing me with stealth visits. The police will likely tell you…your Ex’s family has nothing to do with your child and therefore, they really don’t have any right to keep trying to contact you.

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linsey grutza December 14, 2014

The silent treatment is just starting…. I can tell. 2nd day in a row I haven’t got my morning text etc. And I just got on vacation with my family and all I can think about is him. I’m having a great time, but I look on fb to see if he’s on or if he liked a pic of mine and nothing like he used too. I was mad at him bc he said he was coming over then never contacted me saying he wasn’t….so he ignored me for a DAT and a half then said “you hate me” I go that’s all you’re going to say no apologize or phone call. He goes “at work” then I said OK well when you get off work call me and I will listen.Never got a phone call that night. The next day he sent a long text saying he’s sorry for not calling or apologizing he couldn’t bare to say again He couldn’t come over and he has strong feelings for me but doesn’t think its a good thing right now but he’s too selfish to let me go….so I took him back. And then I tried to end things with him bc I was sick of feeling upset and let down then I got weak and texted him. Now, I’m on vacation and can’t get him out of my head. And he knows exactly what he’s doing. Ugh I hate him. I know he’s a sick person and I should pray for him. I’m a 29 year beautiful smart women with no kids. I des

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    linsey grutza December 14, 2014

    Oh he said that I deserve better but he’s too selfish to let me go….I really just want to send him this link…..

    Reply
      Kim Saeed October 25, 2015

      A typical comment from a narcissistic, emotionally unavailable cad. I hope you found a way to leave him and start fresh <3

      Reply
linsey grutza December 13, 2014

Thanks, I so needed to read this. Its been since the end of October we started talking and he was Mr.Nice guy from the beggining. I’m currently getting the silent treatment… And its killing me. I had a feeling for a bit that he may be narrissit, but then he wowed me back in. And now reading this explains him to a T. I saw him one day at a meeting and we kissed and I was a little upset BC he couldn’t come over so I said ugh, I hate you….he goes no you Dont. BC he knows whatever he does I will take him back. Not this time. I’m moving on. He was not on my ideal List

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    Kim Saeed October 25, 2015

    Hi Linsey, I apologize that I didn’t see your comment before. I know it’s been a while since you left this comment, but I wanted to check in and see how things are going for you these days…

    Reply
made58 December 6, 2014

Reblogged this on HelpingOthersHelpThemselves.

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Emari September 24, 2014

Kristine hang in there dear! I’m going to pray you begin to see how wonderful you really are and this pain too shall pass….I also see myself in the words and emotions of these comments. I have felt like I have died a thousand deaths with the crush of each damaging comment from my Ex Narrisist husband! He made me feel like dirt. There is light and hope and healing on the other side of this pain. Your life is worth so much more! Indeed you were created for a reason, to thrive to live and be your best self…however long it takes for you to get there… Take your time… One day at a time!

God Bless you!!

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    Kristine September 30, 2014

    Thank you Emari for writing to me. I have average days and then I have really bad days. The past few have been average and I feel like I just coast through life. Haven’t had a bad day since I posted my comment so I got back into my routine of day after day… I don’t feel like I know what happy is anymore. Like I’m just struggling to get by and walking on eggshells. Or is it me that causes the fights? He is there for me and seems like he cares about me but then he says hurtful things other times and I just blame it on his bad childhood and growing up w/o his dad. I’m sorry for the pain you have been through too and i appreciate your positive thoughts and prayers. I am grateful for people like you who care and let others know we are not alone.

    Reply
      annon December 4, 2014

      Hang on in there…i was exactly the same as you..it’s because you we don’t love ourselves..and trying to fix them..but your wasting your time..please move on before you know it you will be 60 like me..and all them years wasted on a man who really dosn’t care..dosn’t know how to love and we just keep taking the abuse and pain and blaming ourselves..ask yourself would you keep a dog if he kept biting you..or growled at you ????? and what advise would you give if this was happening to your friend or daughter ???? find someone worthy of your love…good luck and hope and pray you find happiness…real love…and peace…..

      Reply
Kristine September 20, 2014

I have been with my fiance/boyfriend for 5 years now and this article plus everyones’ comments are everything. I always “forget” what happened the next day because it is easier to do but I never forget. He does though! I have so much pain I am keeping inside that I really wish I could just be done with this life. I am not strong enough to move on. I am 30 and every single relationship I have ever been in has been described in this article. I know something is wrong with me, yes I am codependent. But I feel there is no hope for me because I know nothing else. Been to therapy (group and private), tried all different anti depressants for many years, talked about suicide with therapists, nothing helped ever… No family support either. I just wanted to write this and get it out. Not looking for anyone to feel sad for me or say I can be strong and get through it. Just feels good to write. I feel so alone.

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    rt January 17, 2015

    AWWW….Kristine ….I’m sure U r stronger then U know it…..
    U could figure out something…
    the fact You are here is a huge first step…..

    Reply
    trina March 10, 2015

    Dont feel alone im 36 and been in 2 very long relationships both being narcissist I wondered for years why my mother hated me now im going through some of the same feelings the its hard realizing you never had a normal relationship just know you are a person a warm heart and a wounded soal we are recovering yes I cry alot because I have a son that has been exposed to these behaviors im trying to start with the positive things about me so I start to love my self remember God does not make mistakes

    Reply
    Anonymous October 24, 2015

    Then spend your life writing!!! It feels good to you & will help so many other people to know they are not alone in how they feel. I believe you just found your reason for living & your purpose. You can make a difference in so many lives & improve your own in the process. Please consider it. For yourself & so many others.

    Reply
    Kim Saeed October 25, 2015

    Kristine, I don’t talk about it a lot, but I once felt the same way you do. In my case, I felt so hopeless because I believed I was under the mercy of outside circumstances and that I would always be with people who took advantage of me and mistreated me…I had resigned myself to a life of unhappiness…until I realized I had all the power I needed to change my life.

    I know it’s hard as heck to think about, but you CAN change your life. You can leave your boyfriend who mistreats you…and then, when you choose to find another partner, don’t accept anything disrespectful. I don’t know if you had a chance to read my article about our ruining our chance at true love, but I learned that it wasn’t that I was attracting the wrong men, but that I was accepting them. Here’s the link if you’d be interested in reading it:

    http://letmereach.com/2015/10/20/top-3-ways-to-epically-ruin-your-chance-at-true-love-for-women/

    The toxic relationships I was in felt natural on a subconscious level…in a way that put me back to my childhood when I felt unloved and that I was a burden. I stayed in those relationships because I was trying to solve my childhood wounds.

    Then, I just decided I didn’t want to live that way anymore and I finally left. It was a hard road, but I stayed the course and I am now happier and more content than I ever dreamed. At the risk of sounding cliche, that is possible for you, too, Kristine.

    Let me know if you have any questions…

    Reply
Anonymous September 2, 2014

Kim wow
I don’t even know where to begin.
This has been my life for almost 10 years.
My narcisistic ex husband used and abused and tortured me for years. In any way you can imagine. He raped me, cheated on me (multiple times),hit me,made me feel less than so much that I would blame myself and try to satisfy him thinking that I’d done something wrong and maybe if I was better he would love me.i finally decided I’d had enough and split up with him but he refused to leave the house. We have a daughter and that’s what he uses as his excuse to try and stay in my life. He cares nothing for her. When i first found out about his cheating and had solid proof he still denied it even with the other woman on the phone. He brought her into our home and bed by the way. At first when I was vulnerable and wondering what was wrong with me,he was ready to leave probably because as you stated he had something or someone lined up for his supply. He would say things like I will leave and put the tenancy in your name. He even cut off my supply to our money knowing I had no other way to get money to feed our daughter at one point. When I begged him to stay looking back now I should’ve stopped this a very long time ago. But I was a young vulnerable girl. I had noone and I have no family. He came back. This was in 2008 and I decided finally i was done with him in 2009. He refused to leave the house. Apparently this is his house too and he’s not going Anywhere. I couldn’t make him go because we had a joint tenancy which I am still trying to remove his name from.this person stayed and hovered over me even refusing to get out of the bedroom we shared because it was also him bedroom. I finally managed to get him out of the bedroom and the living room became his living space. I kept to myself as much as possible but he tried to invade my life as much as possible. I worked a lot and late too trying to take care of our daughter and in the mean time he was supposed to be caring for our daughter I can only imagine what he exposed her to.he would tell his possible new supplies that i was an incompetent mother and wife and that he is only staying in the home because if he left me I would prevent him from seeing his daughter. This is the same daughter that he would insult me in front of, call me worthless in front of our daughter and useless. He would tell the possible new supplies one thing and then tell me something else. When I cared about how he portrayed me I would go crazy thinking what is going on. These girls telling me how dare i threaten to keep his daughter from him? This narc ruined my life in so many ways at that time. Portrayed me to be the worst human being to his possible supplies and anyone that would listen.and they thought they were doing him a favour coming at me. At one point my lawyer advised me to put a lock on my bedroom door.this person refused to leave the house to prevent me from moving on. When he finally left and it was not his choice to but after he spent a week tormenting our daughter with questions about me and telling her that he’s angry with her for not answering him, leaving her crying her eyes out thinking she’s done something wrong and refusing to do her dinner I walked in after forgetting something to my child having a full blown panic attack. He was told to leave or the police would be called. I had a few friends with me at the time which helped. They took his keys and told him to leave. I was for once in over 8 years free. I could sleep right for the night. Still scared. He would call non stop and stalk my house. I got so scared i informed the police and he’s been arrested 2 times. The first time he admitted harassment and threatening and was cautioned. The second time he’s been arrested and is now bailed with conditions to not contact me.our daughter 7 and she refuses to see or talk to him and he is blaming me for this. Also to point out I have a narcisist for a mother. Was never in my life. Never raised me. Met her when I was 9 but wants alls he also physically abused for years after I met her. Was very around for long and whenever she was would beat the living shit out of me. She now wants the glory for who I have become. I believe that they are meeting up and discussing me. I refuse to have her in my or my daughters life also and she’s bitter. She is also an alcoholic.She seems to want to fix her mistakes through my daughter.
I am finally in a normal relationship and the narc went even crazier with the calls, texts and threats. The police didn’t help much because he’s pretending to contact me about our daughter when in actuality his contact has nothing to do with her. He has said things like all men are the same. Do you think your current boyfriend is better than me? All men cheat. You better take me back now or when you want me in the future it will be too late and I won’t want you. ? wow
He is constantly stalking my house late at night. And now his most recent action is to file a False claim against me in court. I haven’t spoke to this person in months but he’s made a claim that I threatened him that I would remove our daughter from the country permanently to another country. And that he’s very scared that I would do. Wow
And he was the one threatening to take our daughter away.The country he is talking about I have only ever been to for 3 months in my entire 29 years alive. I don’t know anyone there and never even intended to return for a holiday. And he knows this yet files an emergency prohibited steps order against me smdh I’m under so much stress its unbelievable.he is causing me overwhelming stress and it’s put Some strain on my relationship. I made sure that my boyrfiend always knew what he was doing. Because with narcs you wouldn’t believe what they do unless you see it for yourself. They are that unbelievably disgusting. My sick excuse for a mother was the one constantly telling me to let her take my child away for a few years. She apparently wants to raise my daughter for a Few years. Why would i do that. You never raised me, why would I let you take my daughter anywhere. I believe that she’s been giving him ideas.im so stressed and fed up. He want let me be.thus is the same woman who doubted me when i told her that my ex raped me.
I assumed that If he ever filed any cases against me it would be for visitation of his daughter but he knows what will come out in court if he did. She will tell them like she’s told me countless times that she doesn’t want to have any contact with him. So he files a bogus suit and I’m now waiting to try and get a lawyer as my case hearing is in a few days. I’m emotionally drained. On top of that he files only a week after our divorce was finalised smdh, says a lot really. He used to say things like I’m not giving you a divorce and then when he realised I wasn’t joking and that he would have to he would say things like I will remarry you someday smdh wow
I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m so overwhelmed with it all. He just wont let me live.my boyfriend has been really nice and it has gotten to him at times and we have had fights about it but we get through it. Sometimes feel like my boyfriend distances himself form the situation and I feel alone and it’s frustrating.i feel frustrated as I have no one. i sometimes find myself maybe picking at my boyfriends personality hoping that there are no traces of a narc there and truly there isn’t its just my fear of having had to dealt with and still having to deal with a narc for such a long time you want to be sure and you are constantly paranoid about propel turning tun to be like that.sorry for the essay but I have no one else to talk to. I also have a job interview which I have no confidence I will get. Hoping to but I don’t think I will get it. I’m just exhausted.

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    Kim Saeed September 6, 2014

    Anonymous, I know this is a difficult situation, but I do think it’s important to fully understand your boyfriend’s reactions to your Ex Narc. It seems he has tried to be patient in order to be supportive, but as your new love interest, it must be somewhat devastating that your Ex is so enmeshed in your life still. I imagine he has a hard time understanding.

    If you have any texts or emails from your Ex of a threatening nature, save those for court. Have you retained an attorney yet?

    Reply
Shari Fosberg August 22, 2014

Hello Kim , I am grateful you have posted 7 Things ….. This has been extremely helpful as I’m desperately trying to let go of my 14 year marriage to the poster child of a Narissist . I’ve been beyond belief racking my brain as to what / why & how best to describe his behavior and emtional state as I’m perceiving it . Simply saying he’s an emtionaly abusive individual with manipulative controls over me and sprinkle in explosive fits of rage then a very eery calm states, then the whole pattern recycles it self …….. Well you get the idea . He is a 27 year member of our Armed Forces ( Army ) and while I’m proud of his service , it is one of the factors that has eroded our realationship. He is a weapons expert & training officer so I’ve been exposed to more threats & HUGE intimidating behavior no mortal should have to endure . Ty , Ty Ty

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    Kim Saeed August 25, 2014

    Shari,

    Thank you for reading my article and for sharing part of your story.

    Wow…Armed Forces. They are usually the worst when it comes to threats and intimidation. I wish you all the best in detaching and leaving the relationship. Though it may not feel like it now, if you can find a way to go No Contact, and work on healing, it’s possible that you may find happiness that you never thought possible…

    Hugs <3

    Reply
karmabaybee August 18, 2014

Reblogged this on BEEN TO HELL & BACK BECAUSE I FOUND THE EXITS and commented:
Reality is a bitch…..realizing you’ve been with a narcissist the whole time is a bitch-slap in the face.

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I am still trying to figure out if I am with a Narc, the emotions are like being on a roller coaster ride, after 17 years of this I am starting to wonder, I really need someone to talk to, I have scheduled my first therapy session but it’s a month away! If I explained it on here it would be like writing a book, I feel like I want to be here, not because I am scared to be alone but because I do love my husband, but I love myself and I deserve to be respected. Anyone on here that has been with or thinks they are with a NARC please email me so we can talk, I know that talking helps. The latest argument we had last night, we were just having a general discussion about how he acts, I was told if I didn’t know it wouldn’t bother me??? I can also be found on FB Christy Kinsey, thanks!

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Cjs July 20, 2014

Wonderfully written! I’ve bookmarked this for future reading should I ever find myself feeling fond toward him again. When I first left three weeks ago reading this would have had me sobbing. I actually laughed today reading through because not only is it so creepily spot on (and anytime I read on the subject certain things he’s said and done take on a whole new light lol) but it’s quite pitiful how transparent they are.

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wwiding July 16, 2014

Thanks for the helpful post. I’ve been involved with a narcissist for the past three years. Looking back, I knew something wasn’t right from the beginning but I kept telling myself she was a good woman that makes mistakes but can be fixed. I caught her sending nude pics to men we work with, and found out she was sleeping with another woman at work as well. I’ve spent the last three years feeling like I was in a nightmare that I would never wake up from. She denied sending the pics to my coworkers(I was approached by a guy I worked with, and saw the pics myself.)
I was led to believe that I was a psycho for the last three years, that she was my savior and was going to rehabilitate me(The joke at work was that she was trying to domesticate me, I’ve always been a little odd and I have a strong belief in being dependent.)
It got to the point where I went to see a psychiatrist because I really did think I had gone bat shit insane, but I realized later that I wouldn’t have gone from a healthy happy person to a depressed confused man in such a short period of time.
It’s going to be awkward working with her, she’s dating another man I work with. If it weren’t for other coworkers telling me they saw the change in me, and they were worried about my health I probably would never have gotten away.
Thanks for the blog, it’s helped tremendously.

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afterthepsychopath July 15, 2014

Reblogged this on afterthepsychopath and commented:
From the perspective of a narcissist…

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kay July 12, 2014

Thanks so much for this I am 6 weeks out of a 12 month relationship with a narc man, omg I am still reeling from a year of sheer drama , everything from his estranged wife and her new partner hammering the door down wanting to know where her son was as narc ex hadn’t taken him home after a piano lesson and he hadn’t said a word to me about it…. he provoked me when he was bored until I exploded ….. he used other females to provoke me, I thought I was going mental …..

I have had the silent treatment for weeks then out if the blue he sent me a text asking if there was any mail for him , I replied to the text with a yes , he was at my house within 15 mins …. stood in my house looking very sorry for his self , then told me he hadn’t time to contact me because of his Important job ( yawn).

I was given no explanation for his hasty beparture from my home at the time but was expecting it and I had seen enough of his weird lifestyle….. 6 addresses in 18 months and the fact he carted all his crap around with him in his car as if he was attached to it to the point he had to have it with him.

He also brought furniture while with me and did some jobs but they where for his benefit , like boarding the loft to store his. Crap, his 11 year old son is very screwed up, lives in an ex box world and all the time he spent here was in the bedroom …. poor child’s going to grow up like his father sadly…. he has no friends and is very emotional .

I did tell him what I thought of him on Wednesday when he collected the mail so his little boy lost routine was wasted on me , he has 3 push bikes to collect today and that’s it the contact stops I told him I wanted him out if my life fully and asked him to not contact me again .

All in all he is full of shit and when he said ” your to good for me ” I said .I know I am”
I know his games of old and am enjoying single life and enjoying flirting online knowing he watches , as it was mentioned by him ,

One thing I sm curious about is he said he wanted me to find a boyfriend, to which I replied I wasn’t interested in meeting anyone yet… if I did meet someone is there a chance he may try the ” old friends” routine and re appear if he found out to try to cause friction , he was instrumental in splitting up his estranged wife and her partner up in January his year ?

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Rebecca July 11, 2014

Kim, can you help with a divorced ex with whom I have 2 daughters with? He manipulates them and controls and lies to them for his own benefit. He ignores their feelings. Their ages are 8.5 and almost 6. I am trying to teach the girls to be strong and not to allow bullying but I need some advise and assistance on this. Can you help? Thanks, 🙂

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    Kim Saeed July 16, 2014

    Rebecca, the best thing to do in your situation is to get your girls into counseling/therapy. That way, if anything is discovered, you’ll have that working for you in a custody hearing. If you can prove his presence is detrimental, you can then apply for a custody modification. Best of luck to you and your girls!

    Oh, and document everything!

    Reply
    ARGates August 17, 2014

    I would also start teaching them to trust their guts and feelings. Tell them that their body knows when something isn’t right and it doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks/says. He is gaslighting the hell out of them and they need defenses against it.

    Reply
Conni July 11, 2014

Get a tape recorder and start recording conversations. You have to be real careful and keep it hidden. Record one of your “conversations” and when he says he didn’t say what you KNOW he said, play the recording back. I got a small one and record our conversations. the one time he went ballistic, I didn’t record him!

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Marisa C Bentley July 4, 2014

I have become fast friends with my former narcissist’s latest victim. This post is amazing & hits it spot on!! I’ve already sent her the link because her muck is much more recent than mine!

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    Kim Saeed July 9, 2014

    Wow, thank you, Marisa! Hopefully you’ve saved her from a world of grief…

    Reply
Beverley July 3, 2014

For the first time ever I can see my adult son as a narcissist. I recognise the above behaviour in his actions towards my ex daughter in law. So far I have only been dealing with the fact my Mother is the narcissist. What an eye opener. Now I know why he has nothing to do with me. Rejection truly is God’s protection.

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    Kim Saeed August 9, 2014

    Beautifully stated, “Rejection truly is God’s protection”.

    Thank you for stopping by and for sharing…

    Kim <3

    Reply
    Leonardo July 17, 2015

    If may I recommend a book…. Trapped in the mirror
    Adult children of Narcissist in the struggle for self.

    Reply
      Kim Saeed July 17, 2015

      Thanks for the resource for ACONs, Leonardo!

      Reply
      Anonymous July 22, 2015

      I discover every day sights of strength. This hard work is paying off now. My ACA meetings, all your wonderful blogs, as well all the shakings from your followers are helping enormously. I am very thankful for your input as part of all the tools God has provided for my recovery.
      I trust the process and today I aknoledge the importance of all my sources.
      Leonardo.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed July 22, 2015

        Thank you, Leonardo <3 You may not realize how much you've touched me by including me as one of your healing resources, but it means so much…

        Reply

[…] ← 7 Things Your Narcissist Won’t Tell You Jul 3 2014 […]

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Patty July 3, 2014

Brilliant! Grand slam! It helps to picture this coming straight from his mouth! Oh, how it helps!! Thank you!!!

Sent from my iPhone

>

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    Kim Saeed July 16, 2014

    Thank you, Patty! So glad to know it helped 🙂

    Reply
Anonymous June 30, 2014

No contact!

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Anonymous June 30, 2014

OMG–I just read all about my life over the last 14 years! The narc dumped me 2 months ago and moved in with his affair partner. And you are right………he totally set it up where he stayed with me until she was ready to be used. Yep–she got divorced because of the narc–little does she know! He was a complete coward…moved out while I was at work and left me a letter on the kitchen table!

Thank you Kim for everything you have written about narcissists. It has helped me with the process of healing from this sick relationship. And the reason I stayed………….a fear of being alone. Not anymore….I’m glad he’s gone and off using someone else until he gets sick of her!

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    Kim Saeed July 1, 2014

    Anon, thank you for reading my blog and for reaching out. I’m so glad to know that my posts have helped you, and furthermore, to stay away from this toxic person.

    Reply
      Anonymous September 7, 2015

      Hi I just got out of a this horrible abuse. I was with this man for 16 years of hell ,lying ,cheating ,affairs ,soliciting for sex ,blocking me ,hurting my children, and hundreds of other things.
      When I called him on all this, it was his way or the highway. This time I left . My heart is so hurt and broken.I love him. In reality, he just used me and emotionally abused m e. I’m trying to put my life back together.I pray I get him out of my mi nd and heart. Thank you !?

      Reply
    ARGates August 17, 2014

    Change your locks. He’ll be back once he’s done feeding off of her. Plus, he will definitely try to use you for triangulation.

    Reply
    Jean September 5, 2014

    Anon – ditto but 22 years. Been trying to divorce him for a year now. My fear is the kids as discribed in #6, daughter’s choices and what she chooses to endure has been a nightmare and continues to. And my other child wants nothing to do with their father. Which of course I get blamed for this, so much easier to blame me then take responsibility for his own conduct.
    But love #4, described it all exactly!!! I should really feel sorry for “her” …… but I don’t, not when you willingly got involved with a man knowing he was married, living at home with his family AND introducing yourself to the family while trying to be “friendly”! Then I say you deserve him and Karmas a bitch dear, you have no clue what you have moved into your home so quickly with 2 younger children…. Pretty stupid!!

    Reply
      Anonymous April 29, 2015

      Anon.
      Wow! That whole statement mirrored my life. That could have been me writing that. 23 years married, children, and the same type of ” girlfriend” status, down to the two young kids! He insisted that I was crazy, even when I found out about the whole situation and was told that I “forced” him to do that. Good news… Divorced, no contact and loving my life. It can happen. Stay strong and educated. Life will finally be peaceful.

      Reply
Samantha June 30, 2014

Thank you, Kim This post is a keeper. I’m getting the silent treatment right now from my narcissist boyfriend for complaining about a rude comment he made in front of me that he claims he didn’t make. When I confronted him about it, he said he didn’t do it and found it “interesting” and “fascinating” how I was trying to pick a fight. I know I heard what I heard. All part of the confusing web they weave. I’m stuck doubting myself and getting the silent treatment to boot. However, your posts give me strength to believe in myself and help reinforce the fact that the nice guy I see every now and then will always eventually turn ugly as he has so many times before. Kindest regards to you for trying to educate and help others who have suffered as we have.

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    Kim Saeed July 1, 2014

    You’re welcome, Samantha! I’m so glad to know I’ve helped you regain strength. I know how they operate and they can be so very convincing, but it’s all an act. The “nice guy” is only a projection, a false entity. We fall in love with this projection and that’s why we stay in the relationship way longer than we should. You should use his silent treatment to go No Contact. Completely block him. Easier said than done, but it’s the only hope you have to move on with your life and experience happiness again…

    Reply
      Anonymous August 31, 2015

      This has helped so much. My husband cheated turned it around on me, moved out called me hurtful names, then wanted to call and text and go on dates, and now he as cut me off completely and I’m just wondering what he is cooking up next.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed August 31, 2015

        Someone, there’s no telling what he’s cooking up, but it’s probably safe to say that whatever it is, it’s no good.

        If you don’t share children, it would be in your best interest to implement No Contact and move forward towards the life your more deserving of <3

        Reply
    Julie July 4, 2014

    Samantha, good for you for sticking to your guns. You heard what you did. My ex even left me standing on my own to go walk after another woman in the street and made a flattering comment about her and denied he ever did it for months afterwards, as he denied many other similar instances, including sideways snipes at my appearance or intelligence, using me for money, lies, lies and more lies and abandoning me on several occasions when I was ill or really needed his support.

    I am now 3 months no contact and really am getting there and should have done this 4 YEARS AGO. He once said to me “I can do whatever I want and you will still love me”. Many times I should have walked, but that comment really should have been the last straw but instead of leaving him, nope, I allowed him to use me further. It sounds as if you have your eyes open now, my advice would be keep it that way and when he comes sniffing around acting as if nothing has happened, as my ex always would, then don’t even answer his calls and let him go.

    This article helped me through an odd tired and emotional spot today, boy am I glad I read it!

    Reply
      Kim Saeed July 9, 2014

      Thanks for your input, Julie. Very accurate, indeed…and congrats on 3 months of No Contact!

      Reply
      Samantha July 9, 2014

      Julie & Kim – Thank you so much for your feedback, kind words and encouragement. He still denies he made the rude comment to me, though I heard it with my own ears and had no reason to make it up. According to him, I made it up because I’m always trying to pick a fight. Well, over the weekend, after discovering he was spending time alone with an old female friend of his, I broke up with him. Afterwards, we exchanged several emails, in which he told me he no longer felt comfortable around me because he couldn’t be himself and had to “twist and contort myself not to say things that might hurt your feelings.” What an asshole. I’ve been involved with this man on and off now for 7 years, and it is the single most painful, difficult experience I’ve ever had. So incredibly hard to shake. I’m now on Day 2 of No Contact. I find myself yearning to share everyday life kind of things with him, but I’m holding back. Thank goodness for websites and blogs like this one. It gives me so much strength (and sanity) to know that even one other person out there can relate to this crazy experience. Thanks again.

      Reply
    Anonymous July 20, 2014

    It gets so much worse the longer you stay with a narc, if you have a that gut feeling and see the red flags, never doubt yourself you will be right about what your gut tells you.

    The most wonderful man you have ever met in your life and who you have been through so much with is a fraud. The Longer you listen to him and not yourself the more heartbreak and emotional damage you will cause yourself.

    Reply
      micaela October 14, 2015

      Wow. I’ve been dating a man three years trying to break up with him for two. I for the life of me can’t figure out how I have gotten this far in, how I have lost my courage, my self esteem how in this relationship I have lost myself, I don’t even recognize me any more. How I have allowed this very scary con man to instilled fear and control over me while red flags are shooting all over the place makes me wonder if I dont deserve any better for my lack of judgement and self preservation.The second to last time I said we are no longer a couple leave me alone he threw a malatye cocktail in my house and said I was cheating on him.
      I am always to blame for his feelings I have played house with this man thinking it’s safer to keep him close and live this lie till I get my daughter grown, she’s sixteen now then have him stalk and harass me. I’m filled with shame for the example I am setting for her. I want to lead and be her hero instead I’m showing her what a coward I have become. I am fed up, I’m tired and backed in a corner. A restraining order in my opinion is only good for giving the sheriff’s boys their first suspect after they find my dead body. I feel paralyzed. I want to think there’s a way to trick him into leaving me and think it was his idea. Which is how I found y’all I’m getting the silent treatment this evening. I wish I could kill him and feed him to the hogs.

      Reply
      Anonymous October 25, 2015

      Thank you for that statement. I still struggle tho it’s only been 3 weeks

      Reply
    Andy August 18, 2014

    Samantha, his denial of making the rude comment is called “gaslighting”. Personally, I feel more than any other behavior they exhibit, gaslighting is the definitive sign of the presence of a narcisist.

    Reply
      Cherie August 19, 2015

      Thank you! I now have the technical term for what I, in humor, so as not to cry, called as his attempt at the Jedi Mind Trick from the movie Star Wars. A slight wave of the hand, Obi Wan… “These are not the droids you are looking for”. Guards… “These are not the droids we are looking for”. I OFTEN say things such as, “You do realize that I am actually in the room and am standing right in front of you and that just happened a minute ago! How can someone rewrite history from a minute ago. The absolute denial of things he just did or said. It is maddening! The only way he would concede to the truth would be if I had video evidence of what transpired, and even then he would turn it around on me and prove that I caused him to say it. He should be a freaking defense attorney. I have a question. How many times have you been accused of taking things out of context? How many times have you said, “How would context change that.” ? I am so sick of hearing about context. I do realize that context is important, but plenty of the things that he says are so awful that context offers little justification for the hurtful words. If it is not context, then I somehow tricked him into saying it with loaded questions or some other devious tool that I am employing. I honestly would have gotten more accomplished by beating my head against the wall. How do all of these assholes learn how to abuse with similar tactics and to the extent that psychologists have to come up with specific terms like “gaslighting” ? Is there a how-to book on how to be a narcissistic, control freak, abusive, bully asshole that they are issued at birth?

      Reply
    marla December 5, 2014

    Hello Kim, My name is marla I had been married years to my husband. He starting flirting with a co worker and told me I was jealous of everyone and did not want him to have any friends But before that had never been any concern to him. He started coming and going from home. My grandmother was living with us the first time and when he had left he called my grandmother she let me listen, And he said I need her to understand she can not make it with me, He then ended up coming back,. We owned a business and customers had started coming to me and saying that they seemed alot friendlier than they should have been. When I confronted them I got again I was jealous and controlling they spent alot of time drinking together which had always been an issue for him. He had a dui before and had grown up in alcohol.,He ended up filing for restraining orders saying I was out to get him and I was suicidal. It was very sad what out family went through. On Dec 12 he had called me and said that he could not do this
    no more and he wanted to say good bye. I thought he had been drinking by the time I had got there he had shot himself. I still after 2 years can see it like it was a few seconds ago. I never imagined it could be that bad. I still miss everyday and try to remember the good but it is sometimes the breaths become so hard because it is like a real bad dream. I really relate so much to what you said I had so many people calling me psycho I can only imagine what he told them. But I wish him nothing but peace now and know that this changed my life forever. Thank you for listening.

    Reply
      been there October 24, 2015

      Hi, not to be cruel in any way, the thought came to me that a narc/psyco who has already decided to end his life will enjoy a sick sense of not wasting all that for nothing, when they can drag someone along and make them feel horrible even of the victim has nothing to do with it. So my point is don’t feel bad, they did what they did because they truly are thinking of themselves. You did nothing bad

      Reply
    Anonymous January 10, 2015

    I feel your pain. Stat strong.

    Reply
    newmeandfree March 22, 2015

    all NARCs must grow up in a place where they are instructed on how to all speak the same way…..Samantha….. I will echo your experience with his eerie voice from that same situation…..He didn’t say anything to offend me at all… in fact, “I” was the one who was beaking at him…why should he apologize to me for something he did not do to offend me, when he has been offended first!
    Samantha… you know what he said, and you know what you heard. Do not engage him in his attacks to put you on the defense. He said it, he knows it and he is out to gaslight you to a crazy existence where a padded wall is your best friend. I’ve been there.

    I made another post with an example of a quote in email of a backhanded compliment….this is how they create crazy town….The say something nice, but then finish with something that is actually offensive or demeaning to you……your instant reaction of bewilderment and confusion makes it impossible not to respond or react…..they’re waiting for it!!! since they can only conveniently remember that they just said something nice to you, they are eager to attack you for how YOU have the uncanny ability to pick a fight or have something else to say about how they should “not” speak to you. With a sick smirk on his face and an evil twinkle in his eye, he would smile and say how “interesting” and “fascinating” it was that I was unable to see how I kept starting arguments while accusing him of it…”just… interesting… is all…. hehe…I love you….even with your little bits of crazy”

    That’s the compliment, and slap routine at it’s finest…… that’s how it works. If you take the bait, you will find yourself defending an action you didn’t do. It’s pointless to try to explain how his last comment was hurtful or offensive….he’s long passed that – he’s already biting you for how it is that “Yet again, you’re the one that can’t seem to stop arguing”

    I tried every tactic in the book that I could imagine to keep my point on track, but I always found myself derailed and lost in the Twilight Zone. If I ever was able to manage to reiterate the first topic of discussion, the subject would change completely … he would say how “Yet again, it’s all about how YOU want me to learn how to speak to YOU! Fine!….your spoiled little princess brat routine wins again… I do it your way.. AGAIN”.

    I’m left in a dazed stupor…….unable to even understand what it was that we were doing “my way” and how there was actually NOTHING done my way to support this…..

    Sooooo. I pause…I look at him as he is smiling at me – and I’m stupefied. I have two choices… I can ask him to explain what it was that I did to insist upon my way, and what it is that he did to do it my way, because I am confused as to what the outcome and point of this had been…..(knowing full well that this will just start things up in a whirlwind of atrocious responses that keep the fight going) OR…. I can blink, smile, and go get myself a drink.

    I understand why I began to drink more……
    blink blink…..

    Reply
      MissB July 3, 2015

      OMG, this part! this part! ” tried every tactic in the book that I could imagine to keep my point on track, but I always found myself derailed and lost in the Twilight Zone. If I ever was able to manage to reiterate the first topic of discussion, the subject would change completely … he would say how “Yet again, it’s all about how YOU want me to learn how to speak to YOU! Fine!….your spoiled little princess brat routine wins again… I do it your way.. AGAIN”.

      I’m left in a dazed stupor…….unable to even understand what it was that we were doing “my way” and how there was actually NOTHING done my way to support this…..”

      my narc x made me feel like this all the time. And if i tried to enforce my boundary I was the crazy one, the emotional one, the one who didn’t choose the appropriate time. and when he started drinking it made it all worse.

      Reply
      Anonymous August 6, 2015

      Me too MissB, Newmeandfree hit nail on the head, to explain the emotional confusion, quick onset anger over the stupidest lil things, self centered ego, I could go on and on with what we experience with a narc, it is the most delusional, exhausting thing I had ever been thru. That smirk on his face, changing up the words that had been said or how I got the plans/times/places to be wrong (when I was informed last minute or half-ass informed) was unbelievable. Survivors stay strong, go and stay NC! You deserve your sanity back.

      Reply
      inause I Karen Rice. have cancer and I have to have surgery and I'm thinking maybe he's just here to make sure I'm March 16, 2017

      hi Kim my name is Karen I have a my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years the first year was okay my kids have moved in with us so I understand a little bit nervous different actions because he doesn’t have any kids of his own but he moved out because he has to go to work somewhere else and left us because my kids were still in school then I moved out where he was and he still lives on his own and his own place and I live in my place he comes every once in a while he eats and spends the night then our relationship starts getting Rocky I noticed he won’t let me touch his phone we stay home 7 days a week he goes to his parents on the weekend for the last three Christmases are too and Thanksgiving he spent with his parents and he wouldn’t take me to go see mine I’ve asked you numerous of times just to be over with me if I’ve done something to upset him to let me know even though it hurts it would make me feel better or not it’s at the point now where he hardly comes over and eat or stay suspense time finally sit down and talk that’s it dinner table one night because I have cancer and I have to have surgery and I’m thinking maybe he’s just here to make sure I’m OK until I have surgery and then he’s going to break it off with me or you know I don’t know but he did finally open up to me and he told me I was a bitch excuse my language and I had been a bitch for two years and that’s why he doesn’t care for me anymore and I replied back as I sorry and that I couldn’t help that I was sick and I have a tumor behind my right eye which is cancerous and now I feel like I feel bad because I was mean to him and there was no excuse for me being mean to him that I didn’t know I was being mean and I kept apologizing to him and I’ve been having seizures a lot and this past weekend he was at his parents house and I had a seizure and I would like sick for 3 days which I didn’t eat my daughter had called him and she was to him what was going on and he told her to call the ambulance which was fine but he hung up and didn’t even bother to call to see how I was doing or even to come home and then there’s been times like he’s blocked me to where I couldn’t see his post he likes on Facebook or I can’t reply or anything like that so their day he just said he went on and logged in and changed his password and stuff but he also blocked me off of there and my kids and we can’t message him now or anything but he still coming over I think he’s just waiting to have surgery and then he’s going to break up with me but I was happy that he opened up to me the other day and told me I was being mean because it made me feel I wasn’t happy about it but I was because I was really finally said something to me and I seen a difference in him when he seen you happy and I was like you know I told him I appreciate you opening up to me it makes me feel a lot better so I don’t know if maybe that open up and I can go on with my life and so treat him good even though we had our ups and downs but every time I say something or do something he always says I don’t care but he like I said stay home 7 days we can you don’t even love this phone and just here recently I believe he was talking to a girl or two on the internet and I seen some stuff that was not appropriate and now he’s lost his phone but this girl lives in tree and when I seen her because I made up an Instagram page and also and when she seen his name she replied and started sending me little icons that he had sent her he had not bought me anything for Valentine’s Day or anything but I know he was looking on the internet and I found out that he did purchase something but it wasn’t for me or not is it the point now where he hardly comes over and eat source taser Spanish time finally sit down talk that’s it dinner table 1 night because I have cancer and I have to have surgery or not is it the point now where he hardly comes over and eat or stays or Spanish time finally we sit down talk that’s a dinner table one night because I have cancer and I have to have surgery and I’m thinking maybe he’s just here to make sure I’m OK until I have surgery and then he’s going to break it off with me or you know I don’t know but he did finally open up to me and he told me I was a bitch skis my language and I had been a bitch for 2 years and that’s why he doesn’t care for me anymore and I replied back is I’m sorry and that I can help that I was sick and I have a tumor behind my right eye which is Nick answers and now I feel like I feel bad because I was mean to him and there is no excuse for review mean to him that I didn’t know I was being mean and I kept apologizing to him and I’ve been having seizures a lot and this past weekend he was at his parents house and I had a seizure and I would like 6:40 or 3 days which I didn’t eat my daughter had called him and she was telling what was going on and he told her to call the AM ones which was fine but he hung up and then did he even bother to call to see how I was doing or even to come home and then there’s been times like he’s block me to where I couldn’t see who’s post he likes on Facebook or I couldn’t reply or anything like a so they’re day he just said he went on and logged in and changes password and stuff but he also block me war zone me off of there and my kids and we can’t message him now or anything but he still coming over I think he’s just waiting to have surgery and then he’s going to break up with me but I was happy that he open up to me the other day and told me I was being mean because it made me feel do I wasn’t happy about it but I was because I was really they finally said something to me and I seen him difference and him when he seen me happy and I was like yeah I told him I appreciate you open up to me and makes me feel a lot better so I don’t know if maybe that I opened up and I can go on with my life and soul tree and good even though we had our ups and downs but everytime I say something or do something he’s he always says I don’t care but he like I said we stay home 7 days a week and he don’t leave nothing with us at all we’re not even love of use this phone and just here recently put a lot food on it I believe he was talking to a girl or two on the internet and I seen some stuff that was not appropriate and now he’s locked he’s phone but this girl is out of the pantry and when I seen her because I made up and Instagram page and all the sudden when she seen his name she replied and started sending me little icons that he had sent her he is not bought me a thing for Valentines Day or anything but I know is he was looking on the internet and I found out the heated purchase something but it wasn’t for me thank you I know its a lot to read but I know you right books and maybe you can help me out I hope you have a great day thank you

      Reply
    Lizzy April 9, 2015

    I endured a narcissists’ creepy ways for over a year. He simply appeared in my life one day at a time when I was really vulnerable; as if he could sense it; like a predator. I didn’t trust him from the beginning, and rightly so, like prey. But I could sense something was really twisted deep beneath the surface. It seemed really important to him that his image was a “good person.” He professed “good person,” yet he was hurting women by lying, cheating and playing games. Since I didn’t trust him, I never got too close to him. His ways turned me off, so I never got sexually involved. I am one of the lucky that happened to escape, but not without wounds, because he hurt me by trying to seduce me with lies and games, and a false image that I wanted to believe was true.

    Reply
    Eric April 13, 2015

    My ex-wife is an alcoholic on top of being a narcissist. I’ve known, dated, married, divorced, and dated her again all in the past 14 years. She is a complete nightmare as she will deny something even if I saw it with my own eyes. She will actually yell and scream, never ever admitting to the accusation. It’s very frustrating. It’s as though she thinks that whatever comes out of her mouth is truth no matter what actually transpired. I think she’s well aware of what she’s doing, but has a weird complex that makes her think she’s getting away with whatever…and she basically is because she never apologizes, never has to admit to whatever it is, and never suffers any consequence. There are so many strange stories, I could go on and on, but I wanted to post something here because I’m at my wits end with her and need to get away…its hard to say away for good, but that’s the only way I’m gonna survive this as it’s getting close to dangerous…..i can’t put my son’s future in jeopardy anymore. I started no contact yesterday the 12th about 5pm. I need to sever this toxic person from our lives once and for all. I’ll have more stories as I continue my no contact. I hope someone will read them and realize the narcissist isn’t worth it, but that they themselves are worth it and they should just cut em off immediately. Thank you for reading and for any comments or encouragement. Good Luck to all of us!

    Reply
      Kim Saeed April 13, 2015

      Eric, thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience. It’s indeed very important to get out, especially if you have children. A lady who follows my FB page sent me a message saying that her 2 older children both committed suicide due to her husband’s emotional abuse. It usually doesn’t get that serious, but at the very least, your son will have emotional trauma issues to deal with throughout his life. Typically, when a child grows up with a Narcissist in their lives, they will either grow up to be narcissists themselves or codependent. Wishing you all the very best in maintaining No Contact. <3

      Reply
      Melinda June 29, 2015

      @Kim…wow, that’s terrible about those kids killing themselves due to emotional abuse!
      My stepfather subjected me and my mother to years of emotional/verbal abuse; it really damaged me in many ways. My mother is still with him to this day.
      I came close to suicide many times because of what was going on.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed June 29, 2015

        I’m sorry to know about your past, Melinda. I hope you’ve gotten yourself a good therapist and take great care of yourself <3

        Reply
kundalinispirit June 30, 2014

Wonderful! Thanks for sharing this.

Reply
    Kim Saeed July 1, 2014

    You’re welcome 🙂

    Reply
      Anonymous October 11, 2015

      Kim , am so distraught. My relationship with a nc. I so insecure, jealous, confused , suicidal , angry and more. Everybody comes be fore me. My feeling don’t count. Constantly cuts me off when I am speaking to him. Whether it’s important or not . My brother is dying from cancer and I so want to share my feelings with nr . He listened for a whole two minutes, and I had to here for four days how bad the weather is South Carolina because he was going on vacatication for three weeks. The friends we had there .is all that he could hear her laugh.if I was to say something funny he wouldn’t laugh. If it was just him and Me he would have nothing to say to me. If I ask a question he would snap at me. But if a girlfriend came in the room he would be all Gitty . Funny n cute. Everybody calls him mr wonderful. I guess I’m a jealous bitch. I just want to die the pain is great and so it the doubt I feel about me. I have never ever in my life felt this. I am not jealous person. Right now I don’t know what I am

      Reply
        Kim Saeed October 25, 2015

        Anon, it sounds like you’re experiencing many of the symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome and I imagine most of what you’re feeling is due to long-term emotional abuse and mistreatment.

        I wish I had better news, but things will not improve while you are with this guy. Finding a way to leave is probably your only chance at finding happiness and healing…

        Reply
      Sara July 6, 2016

      For 7 years I have been married to a NARCISSIST and didn’t even know it till things got so bad recently the cops were called out because I couldn’t leave because he wanted to talk. I found out he has been lying to me about many things.I have been dependent on him for years and now that I am trying to stand up for myself he is calling me crazy and telling me I have depression and need help. He’s like a lawyer and everything I say is never the truth. Trying to talk to him is like a brick wall and then when he listens and I say one thing wrong…its my fault again. I am seeing he wants physical contact but won’t give me the time of day to talk. I have no friends and my parents and I don’t get along because of my husband. I believe my dad is a narcissist too. I have been living this all my life. He listens to things just never the important stuff that he hates to listen to. I have started saving money without him knowing and I am looking for a job all while trying to get him to go with me to counseling.

      Reply
Reblog from Kim Saeed: 7 Things Your Narcissist Won’t Tell You | 18mitzvot: 4 out of 5 dentists recommend this blog. June 30, 2014

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