7 Painful Truths All Empaths Must Eventually Face About Narcissists

By Kim Saeed | Initiating No Contact

Apr 15
relationship between empath and narcissist

It’s no secret that Empaths feel it’s their obligation to save the world.  And when they’re being manipulated by a Narcissist, this sense of obligation becomes their whole identity as the Narcissist plays the victim to excess.

What a heavy weight we carry when we decide to take on the burden of another person’s choices or life.

It’s crucial for Empaths to acknowledge that Narcissists are disordered.  When we support them, we are either knowingly or unknowingly supporting a lie, as the person we think we’re helping doesn’t really exist.  While this fact alone is hard enough to swallow, following are seven more painful truths that all Empaths must eventually face about Narcissists.

1 – The narcissist isn’t a tortured soul who needs your special kind of love

Almost every Empath who’s ever been in a relationship with a narcissist has held the belief that if they could just show the narcissist how deep their unconditional love ran, then the narcissist would finally have an epiphany where he or she realized that there is a special and rare kind of love available to them, after all. 

The love of an Empath certainly has its healing qualities, but it does nothing to change a narcissist’s behaviors or motives in the relationship.  Narcissists are morally bankrupt individuals who do not appreciate the things other people do for them.  Instead, they feel completely entitled to whatever love and devotion is directed towards them.  Almost every person the narcissist has been involved with gave them this unconditional love but, sadly, narcissists consider such love and devotion disposable.

2 – Although everyone admires and appreciates your compassionate nature, it also makes you highly attractive to narcissists

If everyone in the world boasted an Empath’s qualities, we’d live in a Utopia.  But, sadly, the world is full of manipulators who seek out and exploit people with the Empath’s character traits, such as these:

  • Taking criticism to heart, reflecting on how their words and actions might affect other people.
  • Being highly empathic, having the ability to sense the emotions of others and respond instinctively in ways that help those in need.
  • Having a high level of tolerance, embracing the beliefs, practices, and lifestyles of other people.

Narcissists look for cooperativeness and compassion in partners because they know that they themselves don’t possess these traits at their most basic level, and excessively cooperative partners will put in the work of two people to keep the relationship going, projecting their own desirable traits onto the narcissist, thereby filling in the yawning gaps in order to make the relationship seem more normal.   

This high level of cooperativeness is the most significant trait narcissists look for in partners because they intuitively know that such partners will stay in the relationship with them way beyond reasonable limits. [1]

3 – The narcissist isn’t interested in your deep thoughts

Empaths are deep thinkers who possess highly evolved viewpoints about people and the world.  It’s hard to find anything that makes an Empath feel more alive than finding a kindred spirit to share their thoughts and opinions with. 

Narcissists put on a good show, pretending to be enlightened and advanced in modern philosophies, but the truth about their close-minded dogmas is eventually discovered which profoundly shatters the Empath’s heart.  Worse, once the relationship begins to sour, the narcissist typically mocks and ridicules the Empath for his or her views and theories. 

4 – The narcissist is your soul mate, but not in the way you’d hoped

Urban dictionary defines soulmate as:

A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet — a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them.

Unfortunately, this is not the true definition of a soul mate.  A soul mate’s true purpose is to bring all your wounds, fears, and insecurities to the surface so you can reconcile them.  Don’t mistake this to mean that there is a healed future with the narcissist.  They were only meant to be in your life for a season.

5 – The narcissist is not the “runner” in what you thought was a twin flame relationship

Many empaths mistake the dysfunctional undercurrents of a relationship with a narcissist as those of the twin flame runner/chaser dynamic

Narcissists take advantage of this mistaken belief, using it as a great window of opportunity to disappear from the Empath so they can groom other supply or generally live life on their own terms, which includes pretending to be in a committed, progressive relationship, all while they secretly live life as a single person behind the Empath’s back. 

Narcissists excuse themselves for this covert behavior by claiming they love the Empath too much and are frightened by the depth of their love, hence why they feel inclined to “run”.

6 – Even if you and the narcissist made contracts together before this lifetime, you must accept the necessity to move on without them

In the spiritual scheme of things, many people believe narcissists are put in our lives to help us evolve into healed, cosmically aware individuals. 

While that may be true, we must recognize when it comes time to sever those ties and vows with the narcissist, which feels devastating for any Empathic individual with strong moral codes.  Whereas Empaths want to soothe the narcissist’s hurts and help them feel secure, the narcissist simply wants to siphon the Empath’s compassionate energy like fuel for an engine. 

Even after the relationship ends, the energetic ties remain, despite the amount of time that elapses.  And even though you may be apart from them now, you’re still deeply bonded to them energetically. This can drain your energy, as well as cause symptoms of depression and hopelessness.  Therefore, it’s critical to cut the energetic ties with the narcissist so you can move on.

7 – Love doesn’t always conquer all

Most Empaths hold these common beliefs about love and relationships:

Where there’s a will, there’s a way.  Love conquers all.  Everyone has some good in them and deserves the benefit of the doubt.  If you want to be forgiven, you must forgive.  The Ex didn’t have any family or friends, and now I’ve “abandoned” them, too.  I wasn’t perfect, either. 

These nuggets of insight might apply to other areas of life, but not to toxic relationships.  Why? Because it gives Empaths another way to torture themselves. 

It doesn’t matter if you were with your Ex for two, ten, or thirty years, it’s time to accept that you did everything within your power to salvage the relationship. The misguided fear that you could have done something differently is based on your toxic Ex having changed the goal posts continuously– and yes, it was deliberate.  This explains why every single Empath believes there is something else they could have done to save the relationship.  It’s a result of conditioning — and overwriting this belief will be part of your healing journey.

Living a healed, balanced, and happy life means accepting these painful truths, even though the Narcissist cannot.  They can’t be healed because for that to happen, they’d first need to acknowledge they are wounded.  Instead, Narcissists use fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) to keep their targets perpetually catering to their every whim…and overlooking lies and broken promises. 

© 2017 Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach

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[1] Brown, S. (2009). About Her. In Women who love psychopaths (2nd ed., p. 131). Penrose, NC: Mask Publishing.

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(25) comments

Brandy July 7, 2017

Wow, that was so beautifully said. I find it weird when I was with my narcissist he knew when I was feeling great or happy because he would always call at that moment to see what I was doing. Some weird psychic connection. Thank for your post, I actually printed it so I can build some type of strength against my narcissist. I feel like he brain washed me to believe he is whom I need to worship. It has made me into a dependent person. I was always seeking his approval. May we all heal fully.

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Patricia May 2, 2017

I do believe that on a soul level, we have made a pact with the Narcissist person/lover . We did this to learn a valuable life lesson and that was to love ourselves, honour our uniqueness and not allow anyone to destroy our empathy. I believe that the Narcissist will have taken some of the lessons we have taught them even if they can’t accept them now. I agree that they are our ‘soul mates’ or ‘Life’s Lessons Partner’ but we were never meant to stay with them but to accept that we have learnt a lot about ourselves in the time we were with them. Learning to love ourselves, healing the inner child that is wounded and being strong enough to start setting boundaries so that we never cross paths again in this life or the next with a narcissist. Many empaths have also being wounded badly by Narcissistic parents and we never learnt how to set boundaries or to experience what being truly loved means. I am going to work on myself and heal. I thank my ex for showing me that I needed to do so before it’s too late.

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margaret April 28, 2017

Left me x after 35 years. it’s been 11 years since then. It cost me everything. My children knew how hard it was. They were in it too but they share his point of view in all this and that is I am the sick one and I will never change. I am NO CONTACT with him but I miss my children and try to talk to them but they insist they have “moved on” and don’t need a mother anymore. They are 25 and 35. Where does that come from?? I now have no family, no friends and completely cutoff from everyone. I don’t mind living alone, being poor but I don’t deserve any of this.

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marie April 28, 2017

Nice article Kim. I’m in the process of moving out after 2 years with a 7 yo son and an 8-month daughter, but he has instilled fear in me and I’m afraid he might harm my kids if I leave. he is so irresponsible, doesn’t provide for the family yet he claims to love us. he accuses me of being rude when I have a different opinion when we argue. the list is endless. your articles are the only motivation I have right now. I hope to find the courage to leave him.Thanks.

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Michelle April 27, 2017

Wow that was great!! Everything you wrote about I can relate to exactly as you’ve described. It is definitely a sad and painful truth to accept and move on from,but I know after it’s all said and done an even stronger person will rise up from what was once a big mess that we had believed was our happily ever after. Thank you for what you write, it’s very insightful 🙂

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Mary April 26, 2017

I agree in general with your writing.. but i do not think any part of the narcissists reason or meaning is to heal us in any way.. what we do with it in the end is up to us… they are Ill intent.. and that is all that drives them… their only meaning is meaninglessness…. it is US that turn it into something meaningful… something they will despise.. once we know and start truly healing.. it is when they will hate us even more.. he wanted the revelation to kill me.. he wanted my suicide.. not my evolution.. he can’t evolve.. and he resents that i have something he knows he lacks.

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    Lee April 27, 2017

    Mary, well said. I agree.

    Reply
Ann April 18, 2017

I have sent several emails before. Do you conduct private sessions with clients,

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    Kim Saeed April 18, 2017

    Hi Ann!

    Sorry, I recently switched assistants and a few things got lost in the shuffle! Please accept my apologies…yes, I do offer private sessions, as well as coaching packages. You can review the details here: https://letmereach.com/consults-mentoring/

    Let me know if you have any questions.

    Kim XoXo

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Anonymous April 16, 2017

Kim. I can’t thank you enough for your “7 painful truths all empaths must eventually face”. This was a missing piece of the puzzle for me and was a huge point I needed to hear point 5. The way you say it like it is. I knew in an indirect way I wasn’t included in the narcissists life but I didn’t have the words. I can now trace this back to my parents and discovered the origin of my feeling of not being included. You have helped me so much to start to get grounded in myself. I can’t thank you enough

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    Kim Saeed April 16, 2017

    Hi Anon,

    I’m very glad to know my article resonated with you. I learned these truths the hard way myself and have coached some of my clients through them, as well. I hope you find a way to heal your wounds, anon. You deserve to be happy.

    Kim
    XoXo

    Reply
    Lee April 18, 2017

    I agree totally!!

    Reply
Anonymous April 15, 2017

Thank you for the article “7 Painful Truths All Empaths Must Eventually Face About Narcissists’ I ve taken a test that concluded I was an empathy. It was a test by Judith Orloff, MD. I am divorcing my husband of 24 years, I had begun to pull away from him and just got numb, when he learned I was looking for an apartment the disgard began, he also got together with an old ex girlfriend and convinced her to leave her husband and children. He is extremely good at manipulating and playing the victim. Its been a year since I started learning what was really happening and had been happening. He also has manipulated one of our grown children to see him as a victim and how he has a right to dump me and move onto the woman who truly makes him happy. Ugh, its all so sickening, shocking and crushing. The twin flame reference is what really caught my attention, I kept wondering if that is what happened but something about it just didn’t resonate. I don’t ever want to be around my soon to be ex ever again. I kept thinking, I know I need to deal with how I could be with someone like my husband and never quite convince myself he was doing something I just couldn’t get a handle on. On some level I knew something wasn’t right, but kept convincing myself, marriage takes sacrifice and he had such a rough childhood…. I should be more understanding and giving. I still feel confused and am not looking forward to mediation. He quietly goads me… Its very hard to explain how he has been able to push my buttons. Its hard to believe this is the man I have been married to for so many years.. Sorry for the run on.. Im still shocked by everything even after a year..

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    Kim Saeed April 16, 2017

    Hi Anon,

    Thanks for stopping by 🙂 It definitely takes a while to get over this and if you share children, it’s a little tougher sometimes. I started healing and moving forward when I learned to implement EXTREME modified contact. I rarely speak to my Ex on the phone and use mostly email to communicate. Sadly, I don’t talk to my son when he’s at his dad’s on the weekends, but that leaves less chance for the Ex to flirt and hoover…and believe me, he has tried (even though he’s remarried and has children with his new wife).

    Be extremely diligent during mediation and make sure you document everything.

    Wishing you the best,

    Kim

    Reply
    Married to cousin of Shana and going through divorce. April 17, 2017

    Hello Anonymous. Your story sounds much like mine. Our relationship was unhealthy from the beginning but I was such an empath I suffered through it for 36 years. I’m glad you figured it out before spending any longer being what I would call a captive. Celebrate the freedom found in the discovery of what a narcissist truly is and why you can’t help them no matter how long or how hard you try. We have 7 kids and hrs convinced most of them that he’s a victim. I think that’s the hardest part is that you feel so alone and it makes you question your own logic. They are pros at this. It’s just the way their minds work. If they have been able to convince and control you, think how easy it is for them to do the same to your child.They are like the Pued Piper with the magic flute. Don’t blame the kids but hopefully eventually they will someday recognize the truth for themselves. I wish you well and pat yourself on the back for breaking free! Be your own Heroine and rise to your great potential!

    Reply
    Lee April 18, 2017

    Dear Anon, I so agree with what you’re saying…prayers for you on your journey.

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Jane Snider April 15, 2017

Dear Kim, I am an LPC who is three years out from finally ending a relationship with a Narcissist. It was not my first relationship with one. Yes, I am an empath. I just wanted to let you know that I never miss one of your posts and I am so appreciative of your help. Even now, he is able to (almost) Hoover me back in. He is annoyed because I won’t “present our relationship to his family and my family and others” in the way he wants me to. Which would be to pretend that we are still good friends. Amazing. Thanks for helping me be strong!

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    Kim Saeed April 19, 2017

    Hi Jane! Thank you for following me and for commenting. I am glad to know my articles are helping you 🙂

    I can relate to your situation as I was also expected to present my relationship with my Ex as something totally different than what it really was. Boy, did that lead to a LOT of conflict!

    Wishing you all the best in your journey…

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
Victor April 15, 2017

Excellent article Kim!

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    Kim Saeed April 16, 2017

    Thank you, Victor! It’s great to see you’re still here 😉

    Reply
Patricia Chamness April 15, 2017

I am definitely an empath, with a husband with narcissist traits. I am 68 years old and my husband is 72. I left him while my daughter was being treated in another state for cancer. He treated me so badly while I was gone. Totally self absorbed and could not understand how I could leave him in his condition. Yes, he is very ill and has used thar against me for years. At the same time at least once a tear telling me to leave and get a divorce. The situation had gotten so bad by then I left to be with my daughter. After a year and a half my daughter was in recovery and he still had not let me go. He told me he only had a few months to live so yep I came home. Of course that was a lue but I still feel my place is here till the end. He has me back and in a lot if ways things are better. But I know it won’t last. It is a terrible thing when you are waiting for someone to die to move on with what’s left of your life.

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Trish April 15, 2017

Well written article!

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    Kim Saeed April 16, 2017

    Thanks, Trish! 🙂

    Reply
Anonymous April 15, 2017

Well written article!

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