The Narcissist, the Ex, and the New Girlfriend – The Art of Triangulation

By Kim Saeed | Narcissism

Aug 10


Of the most common searches that lead people to Let Me Reach, a large percentage consist of female readers wondering about the male Narcissist’s Ex-wife or his new girlfriend.

In other words, the new girlfriend is worried about the Ex and the Ex is worried about the new girlfriend.  Why?  Because Narcissists are cheating slime balls, and the Ex and the new girlfriend have every right to be concerned.  And no, that doesn’t make them crazy, as the Narcissist loves to suggest…

It’s not enough that most Narcissists are porn addicts and are constantly busted for surfing online dating sites, but they keep their Ex and the new girlfriend perpetually enmeshed in a crazy love triangle, often promising both of them that he’s on the verge of leaving the other.

The typical low down:

The narc-hole husband gets tired of the chains of matrimony and moves out, leaving his wife and kids like yesterday’s enchiladas.  He moves in with his latest mistress or rents his own little love nest because the mistress is too young to have her own mortgage.  He resumes crying on the new girl’s shoulder, complaining about how his dinner was late three and a half minutes, thus demonstrating that his wife doesn’t love him anymore.

Or, the wife has turned into a suspicious, bipolar maniac and he just cannot tolerate her craziness another day, pulling out his smashed Rolex as evidence.  He further verifies the wife’s psychosis by pointing out the window as the wife drives slowly by in front of his new apartment.  Obviously the ex-wife has lost her marbles, right?

Little does the new girlfriend realize that the smashed Rolex was an anniversary gift that was given to him by the wife three days earlier, before she realized her husband was a flaming cheater.  And, she’s driving by the new apartment because she wants to confirm her suspicions after her husband’s insistence that he doesn’t have someone else.

But that’s not what he tells the new girlfriend…No, the new girlfriend gets the fabricated version, where her new lover gave a full confession to his poor wife and left as he said he would, with fair warning and full disclosure.

Then, after a few weeks of deceptive bliss, the new girlfriend notices the Narc is gone more than usual.  He says he’s been visiting with his kids, taking care of divorce business, and getting ready for his new life with her.  When, in reality…

Scenario One:  He’s gone back to the wife and has the nerve to complain about the new girlfriend… to the very woman whom he cheated on and devastated!  He gives her a sob story of how sorry he is, that he can’t believe he made such a colossal mistake, and is so convincing, that he gets his wife into the bedroom for old time’s sake.  He doesn’t do any divorce business, but he’s sure getting into some other business.

Later, after pretending to be remorseful and hinting around about second chances, he again leaves his wife alone, believing the man she loves will return to the family unit any day.

Scenario Two:  The narc-hole tells his wife that she’s just not doing it for him anymore and he has a great, attractive new 18-yr old that he robbed from her parents.  She’s just so full of life and makes him feel alive again.  She does everything without his having to ask, and she’s just so smart and, and, and…you get the drift.

Seriously?  This guy has the cerebral capacity of an 8-yr old.  In fact, I know 8-yr olds that can handle themselves in a more mature manner.  It’s amazing that this man can even put words together to form a coherent sentence.  His uselessness is epic…

Triangulation – the Narcissist’s Euphoria

According to

“One of the main characteristics of the narcissist is their desire to feel like they are much sought after. They like to feel like they have many options and feel an intense euphoria and sense of power when they can successfully pull off a love triangle. Narcissists will manufacture situations to keep this triangle going, which includes lots of lies and treachery. In a normal relationship, people go out of their way to prove that they are trustworthy—but the narcissist does exactly the opposite. You can never settle down into a feeling of peace. And they will never admit to this, calling you crazy for mentioning it, when in fact, your worst fears are likely very real.”

To the New Girlfriend:

Although you may believe the Narcissist’s claims that he has obligations towards his children and has to take care of loose ends, paperwork, etc., he’s not spending that much time with the kids, and you may want to consider that he could still be sleeping with his Ex.  This doesn’t happen in all cases, but it does in many.

Further, your new partner, disordered as he is, cannot be happy with anyone, not even with you, his most ardent defender and worshipper. It doesn’t matter how much you love him; what’s most relevant is that he is incapable of real love. In time, he’ll find ways to debase and hurt you as well, as he’s done to every other woman before you.  I wish I had better news.

To the Ex Wife:

I wish this wasn’t happening to you, and further, that there was something to make this devastating situation go away.

It’s crucial to remember that your Ex only hoovers (returns) to ensure that you never move on.  His aim is to always make sure that you’re in the queue, ready and waiting.  It’s a sick game that will steal years from your life.  For this reason, No Contact must be enforced in order to succeed in your recovery.  Remember, the narcissist is never concerned about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found someone because he’s groomed you to react in a certain way. He’s counting on it, based on how you’ve reacted in the past.

It’s time to fight back against hoovering.  If you notice subtle signs of the narcissist’s intent to return, ignore them and move on.  No one has the right to come and go, while manipulating your feelings and your life.   It’s time to put on your warrior face and kick that loser to the curb.

No Contact means NO open lines of communication

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