Some narcissists are stupid.
They love to use intimidation to get what they want. They threaten, scathe, cajole, and perform underhanded acts that make Bernie Madoff seem like a rookie. Because of this, many targets of emotional predators (i.e., Narcissists) spend years of valuable time in toxic relationships when they don’t have to.
When dealing with narcissists, often what keeps one trapped is their perceived notion that they are powerless. Our subconscious mind cannot tell the difference between real or imagined threats, so knowing what one is up against is essential, especially that some narcissists are downright stupid. Most of the Narcissist’s threats are simply hot air disguised as the real thing. Below, I dissect the anatomy of common false threats and scorching remarks made by Narcissistic Ninnies:
1) When you mention the possibility of ending it, your partner tries to intimidate you by saying you’ll be left homeless and penniless. Furthermore, he will take the kids and you’ll never see them again.
Reality: It seems he isn’t taking into account his three DUI’s and the fact he’s driving on a restricted license. His spotty employment record won’t look too good, either. Oh, and let’s not forget about that restraining order that was placed against him by a former girlfriend.
Don’t let this guy’s empty words scare you. He has a snowball’s chance in hell of winning any court battles. Besides, his burden of proof would lie in showing you’re an unfit mother. Judges aren’t prone to ripping children away from their mother unless there is evidence pointing to the necessity of such. If your record is clean, you have nothing to worry about. However, in the event you’ve been falsely accused by the Narcissist, read this article on proving your innocence.
2) He keeps insisting that YOU’RE the only person he’s ever had problems with, and further, the only one who can’t seem to understand him.
Reality: Let’s observe his last four Exes, shall we?
Ex #1 – See #1 above– She’s the one that had to file a restraining order against the Narc and developed agoraphobia from being stalked relentlessly. She can no longer leave her home without heavily medicating herself.
Ex #2 – Joined Alcoholics Anonymous, but keeps falling off the wagon (which seems to coincide with your Ex’s attempts to contact her).
Ex #3 – On anti-psychotic meds
Ex #4 – Attacked you in the parking lot at Whole Foods
Notice a pattern? They all have one common denominator…your Narcissistic partner.
3) He says to you repeatedly, “No one will ever care for you like I do”, “You should be grateful for what I do for you”, “I made huge sacrifices to be with you”
Reality: If your Narcissist actually finds gainful employment, he’s always one coffee break away from being fired. That last company layoff where he got the pink slip? He was actually let go because he wouldn’t stop using his cell phone while on the clock. His huge sacrifice? A former source of supply who was letting the Narcissist live as a kept man. She worked two jobs, paid all the bills, and allowed the Narcissist to stay home. She kicked him out when she came home early one day and caught him in bed with her neighbor.
4) He tells you, “You’ll always be a loser”, when you do something he doesn’t like or make a small, common mistake.
Reality: By telling you that you’re a “loser”, he’s implying that he’s a winner. Again, it’s important not to focus so much on what he’s saying, but on concrete facts. Let’s examine the following example:
You: educated; several promotions at work or you started your own business; symbols of stability such as car, home, and a large networking group(at least before meeting the Narc); strong friendships; could easily obtain positive recommendations from employers and acquaintances
Him: quits job every year or two (if he lasts that long without being fired); a string of psychotic exes; constantly plotting a way to get on disability; always living with family members or “friends” he’s managed to deceive; could never obtain a positive recommendation (unless it was fake)
Don’t fall victim to the Narcissist’s verbal tomfoolery. If they repeatedly cheat on you, you aren’t the one breaking up the family…they are. You’re not insecure and jealous if you discovered their porn addiction and sexts to the new secretary at work. You aren’t “bipolar” because of your emotional highs and lows…you’ve been emotionally traumatized.
There’s only one way to halt this monkey business and that’s by going No Contact and devising your exit strategy.
**If you’re in a domestic violence situation, please use a safety plan along with your exit strategy.
*** Please note – these behaviors are more typical of the Overt Narcissist. Cerebral Narcissists are often very successful in their careers and appear to be the epitome of prosperity and intelligence to outsiders. My, oh my, looks can be deceiving, no?