Why Narcissists Discard You at the Worst Possible Times

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Jul 02
worst possible time discard

Did your narcissistic partner discard you or break up with you at the worst possible time?

It could be that you just learned you have a serious illness (perhaps being hospitalized) or lost someone close to you, only to have your partner act cold and aloof?

Or, maybe you finally received a long-awaited promotion at work, but your partner responded by showing utter indifference and flaunting a new love interest in your face (or worse, got engaged to someone else while you weren’t looking!)

One of the most heartbreaking stories I hear from clients and followers is how their narcissistic partner discarded them at the worst possible time.  This might include the loss of a job, failing an important exam, following the victim’s diagnosis of a life-threatening illness, or the death of someone close to them (which sometimes includes a child).

Other times, the narcissist plans a devastating discard during what should be a joyous occasion, such as their anniversary, right before a long-planned vacation, or even when the victim finds out they’re expecting a baby…with the narcissist!

While you’re left to pick up the pieces of your shattered heart during important milestones of your life, the narcissist carries on with business as usual as though your history together means nothing.

To you, the horrific discard seems intensely personal, cruel, and callous.  But, as devastating as it is, the truth is almost all narcissists discard their partners during important life events, special occasions, and devastating losses. 

It’s one of their blueprint manipulations.

When the narcissist decides it’s time to discard you, nothing is sacred.

While you’re waiting for the ‘real, loving and romantic’ person that you thought they were to surface again and show a shred of compassion or basic interest in your situation, the narcissist couldn’t care less as they go about love bombing their new partner right under your nose.

Narcissists take pleasure in executing devastating discards at the worst possible times, and there’s a reason behind why they enjoy it so much.  In fact, they are acutely aware of what they are doing, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you as an individual. 

Why Discards Are Rarely Real and the WHY of Timing

It doesn’t matter whether the narcissist discards you during a joyous occasion or during a devastating loss, their actions and motivations following either event are almost identical. 

The real aim behind these torturous, soul-shattering discards is that the narcissist is bent on triggering your abandonment wounds and deepening your declining self-esteem…which means they can likely keep you in the queue for as long as they deem you useful. 

Often, what appears to be a discard is simply a tactic used by almost all narcissists who are no longer in the love bombing phase with a primary supply source.   

They are in heightened manipulation mode – using your weak spots against you in order to control you and have the upper hand.

The reason they strategically implement discards during important life events is so that you will never forget them or what they did to you.  In other words, when it comes to your memory bank, instead of recalling your child’s graduation, the warm accolades from your friends and family for your promotion, or the joy of being pregnant with a human life, what you’ll remember instead is the narcissist and their horrific abuse. 

Following are two tactics narcissists use which look like a discard, but are really hidden ploys to keep you strung along indefinitely.

1 – Triangulation

Many “discards” involve the sudden appearance of a new person in the narcissist’s life.  In truth, the majority of discards are actually a sneaky implementation of the triangulation phase, where they begin comparing you with their new “love interest” and making you feel like you fell from grace because of your insecurities, nagging, declining appearance, exhaustion, etc. 

And if you agree to remain friends with the narcissist, you’ll get to hear all about how great the new person is and, eventually, the narcissist will go so far as to share the relationship problems they’re having with the new person with you!

This is when you start believing the relationship didn’t work out because of you and things you’ve done (or didn’t do).  In truth, the narcissist fabricated every single emotion and event that has resulted in this outcome.  It was their intention from the very start. 

Sometimes though, the narcissist has a new person in their lives, but they strive to keep it under wraps.  It depends on their social status among their inner circle, their business colleagues, and personal friends.  They have an image to maintain, after all. 

In this scenario, the narcissist breaks up with you several times and disappears during weekends or for whole weeks at the time, claiming that they need time to breathe and reflect so they can get a clear picture of their feelings for you and the relationship. What’s really happening is they have another person lined up – and they are love bombing that person with such intensity, they can’t be bothered with damage control when it comes to the relationship they have with you.  Therefore, they make it appear as if they need “alone time”, “time to breathe”, and/or “time to ponder things through”.

Regardless of which scenario they execute, each has the same goal – to reawaken your primitive fears of abandonment and bring them to the fore.  The narcissist “discards” you – often repeatedly – during important times in your life for a specific purpose, and it boils down to the basics of trauma bonding. 

2 – Trauma Bonding

You know you’re trauma bonded when you comprehend on a logical level that you need to leave the narcissist, but can’t seem to go through with it. 

Your friends and family don’t understand why you stay with someone who treats you so poorly. 

What they can’t relate to is that your abandonment triggers have been reactivated over and over again, which happens when we experience a break in an important bond with someone we’re emotionally attached to.  Each time the narcissist triangulates or abandons you for days or weeks, it unleashes a new round of intense insecurity.  You want to be reassured and loved by the very person who keeps betraying and abandoning you. 

Young children react this way to parents or caregivers who mistreat and abuse them.  Even animals react this way to an indifferent or cold parent.  According to Susan Anderson, author of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing,

A researcher who studied imprinting in ducks noticed that when he accidentally stepped on the feet of a duckling that was imprinted on him, the duckling followed him more closely than ever.  Researchers investigated this phenomenon and it turns out that pain, whether emotional or physical, causes the body to release endogenous opiates that create a tenacious type of addiction to an object known as a traumatic bond.

Narcissists discard their primary supply sources during the worst possible times to triangulate and form trauma bonds with their victims, ensuring they never forget the narcissist or the relationship. All other narcissistic manipulations aside, these two devastating tactics alone are enough to instill PTSD and a myriad of other psychological injuries.  Some victims are misdiagnosed as having Bipolar disorder when they are actually experiencing symptoms of repeated abandonment trauma.

What to do next

Though it feels like everything has been ripped away, what’s happening is that your primal and true self is crying out, much like an infant crying for its mother.  Triangulation and repeated abandonment carried out by the narcissist strengthens insecure attachments, guaranteeing you will feel jealous, needy, and worried all the time, perpetually seeking reassurance and validation from the narcissist – the very person who will never give you either of those things.

It may feel as though you can’t survive this, but you can begin your recovery by planning out your No Contact strategy and exit plan.  Stop trying to have a heart-to-heart with your abuser in order to get them to understand your point of view or discuss the ever-elusive resolutions to your relationship problems. 

Narcissists don’t want to solve problems because that’s how they keep you hooked. 

Plan out No Contact, find another person you can cling to during the initial stages of your recovery, and practice mindfulness to keep yourself in the moment instead of ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. 

It will feel impossible to do in the beginning.  In fact, it will feel unnatural, but with daily practice you can heal from the trauma bond that the narcissist manufactured between the two of you.  

Copyright 2016.  Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach

Want to learn how you can empower yourself to stop the cycle of abuse?  Reserve your spot in The Essential No Contact Bootcamp and start planning your better life, free from pathological lies and punishing discards!

Leave a Comment:

(75) comments

Lorraine Wilcock March 6, 2017

I too was left reeling when I told my ex I had just received a cancer diagnosis and he abandoned me then let me know he had a new partner about 2 months later to be honest I feel sorry for her I’ve had 9 years of hell. We broke up in Oct 2010 and it took from then til August last year to make a final break my relationship with him always felt like unfinished business but that business is definitely finished now in fact it nearly finished me off I have PTSD and feel truamatised by it all. He was an illegal immigrant living in a damp bedsit when he walked into my life I was his hidden secret because he was playing the pious Muslim man biggest hypocrite that walked God’s earth he never told his mother or family about us never visited my home town with me took me out or was seen in public with me. I helped him with his stay finances kept a roof over his head he used to come back to use me for sex. I knew this and yet felt powerless when he rang or came to my door. I was just an object to him I relied on him emotionally and he knew this as I had a very difficult relationship with my mother turns out she is a narcissist whilst in relationship with him I went into psychotherapy 4 years later I understand. Believe it or not I first learned about narcissim through pin interest it was the biggest revelation as it dawned on me that not only was my mother a narc but my ex to the understanding helps but the pain has been massive I truly believe the stress of my relationships with mother and ex is what contributed to my cancer diagnosis not only did he discard me but my own mother did too this condition is evil and pernacious and has nearly destroyed me as a sensitive empathy

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    christine March 28, 2017

    Lorraine, its a familiar ground, not very pleasant at all – although really that is an understatement – its more like hell to have had a Narc mum, marry a narc. It is more when narc hubbys mum is also Narc, then some of your siblings turn out to develop narc symptoms and you remain the scapegoat to all these people. What is more, I have realised victimes seem to have a magnet for narcs wherever they are – home, office, church etc. Its a reality am currently living with , and being in Africa where narcissism is hardly known leave alone recognized, where mum can never be associated with any ‘negative thoughts’, where husbands are always right, where first borns are supposed to be the best of examples to siblings and ensure unity in family. .

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Jolynne February 5, 2017

How do you get over wasting 25 years of your life with a totally worthless *Sshole? Mine did the discard the week my baby left for college. Empty nest syndrome on steroids. The mask fell off and he left and acted like he was trying to escape a crazy wife The crazy was all him. He lied so well and avoided conversation by acting like he was working 60 plus hours a week. Once he was gone he moved right in with his ow. People started telling me about the indiscretions, how he wasn’t faithful his drug use and my world fell apart more. Why didn’t they tell me before I lost all my financial footing and he had emotionally abused me to the point my life seemed hopeless? I was too freaking bone tired from having all household responsibility and scared of his wrath to follow him and figure out where he was. Every time I questioned his activities I was gaslightted. A normal person has no idea what life with a narcissist is like. They know how to hide their total lack of empathy and conscience, you are living in a fog (fear, obligation, guilt) trying to get the normal back so you don’t even recognize it until you are away from them. I am so much better without him, and grateful my kids were home for the summer break and got to experience life without drama, alcoholism and drugs. but my narcissist wasband’s evil was so beyond my comprehension, I can’t stand the thought of ever seeing him again.

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    Kim Saeed February 7, 2017

    Hi Jolynne, thank you for sharing here. I am sorry for what you went through, though as you know, you and your children are better off without all the drama. While that does little to help you emotionally, I hope you will commit to your healing. It may be a long journey, but totally worth it.

    Hugs,

    Kim

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Carlos Vasquez January 17, 2017

After 17 years of a marriage with ups and downs, with a lot of red flags I chose to ignore, I didn’t know that her behavior had a classification, NPD.
I decided to become an independent contractor and I resigned from the job I kept for 13 years, good money but I wanted more, retire and be more time at home with my family, she said she would support me in that decision I made. Of course moral support, I would have to still provide at home.
I started receiving calls from customers asking when I would be available for them, I was real happy for the first time in many years. She even asked me why I looked so happy, she didn’t like that I was happy.
I traveled to an Island in the Caribbean for my first assignment, she took me to the airport, hugs, kisses and “I love you’s”.
When hours later I got into the apartment the customer provided, I sent her a message and photos of the apartment. She replied that I was happy doing that and I didn’t care about the family, that she decided that our marriage was over.
She discarded me over whatsapp and planned this precisely in one of the happiest moments I ever had in years.
The rest for the following two years has been a nightmare with false accusations in court, silence treatment for the past 18 months, and verbal aggressions when she needs more money.
I finally filed for divorce last December.

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    Lil February 4, 2017

    Why are people so cruel I don’t get it

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Sandi November 5, 2016

Thank You for writing this….I have been abandoned by my Narc H when?….Just as I am having a repeat Mammogram and now a biopsy. He has not said one word about it but has complained about his own aches and pains so much so, I’ve actually had to laugh to myself cuz it has been so pathetically obvious! But now I understand what’s up. What an ass. I might go to a motel tomorrow night or make other arrangements for my own transport cuz the truth is…I don’t care anymore. Screw ’em. I am done with this crap.

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    Kim Saeed November 6, 2016

    Hi Sandi,

    Reminds me of when I woke up from surgery after having one of my ovaries removed due to a tumor. My Ex was every bit of an ass as your Narc H is.

    If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would leave his butt in a flash. See if you can find a friend, family member, or even a co-worker to go with you…and yes, stay in a hotel. You don’t have to subject yourself to his selfish and childish antics. He just wants a witness to his crazy.

    Best of luck with your biopsy. My sister is a cancer survivor, so I can relate to what you are feeling.

    Kim
    XoXo

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    Andy November 6, 2016

    Yep the narc I was with find to show their true colors until once in 15 years I got really sick, fine now. Always thought this person was lacking compassion and something was not there in the personality makeup. This person turned out to be a covert narricist . Who new…..everyone loved them but there as no dept on on their part though they played the part well. The last 6 months of the relationship when the wolf in sheep’s clothing showed their real self it was as if Hitler and a dual personality was there. I could not believe this person could be so cruel. Plus, never saw this coming…..thought the relationship was fine. I just accepted the silences and personality weird traits because this person was so cool to be with. fifteen years, sorry I ever met them.of course r small group of friends , my only family , continued to party with the narc never to be heard of again. Covert narcs r the opposite of overt. They play it cool, calm, never bolster their position they let others do that. But they r the center of attention at a party but always maintaining a sense of calm and false caring for their objects though it’s always general caring never specific and never last once they’re away from the person.

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      Brianna December 7, 2016

      OMG!!! I relate to your story so much. I cannot to relate to the narc who puts you down. My husband did it a different way and most with this facade of the nice integral loving doting husband. He had everyone fools including me. We were together 16 years and married 12. It’s been a nightmare since he discarded me for ow and then I saw the person I thought I married turn into an alien. mean conniving deceitfully liar and cheater. I would have never married him had I known who he really was…. After 4 years of court battles and sheer terror and pain, I’m done. I have to believe it> The love of my life is a dangerous Narc. Blessed are the women who never get to meet one of these: The covert narcissist Thank you for your post.

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        Andrea December 7, 2016

        Hi Brianna……do note……the narricist in your life will go on with their life as though u were a footnote…a comma in their life. Just know u r a person worthy of love. U just fell for a person who can’t love has no empathy and doesn’t even know they r different from others. Stems from childhood and they have never known anything different so they just assume nothing is wrong with them. The perfect killing robot……scary huh. Just go on with your life and understand how u were treated had nothing to do with who u r as a person. They only c u as an object. They only think about themselves. Their ego is very fragile so they look at u as the scapegoat for their unhappiness. They will never know real happiness because deep down that hate themselves. But of course this is buried so deep. This is why they need to be liked by all it keeps their torment buried. At least this is the info. I’ve learned from reading and educating myself about these sick scum inhuman things👍

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Tim November 5, 2016

OMG seeing this has confirmed everything I have been journaling for the last 6 months. I just went through 10 years of this and feel like I have PTSD from it. I went to a therapist and they laughed when I said that. When my “girlfriend” disappeared when I was having total knee replacement surgery my kids and family basically said they would kill me if I did not try to see what she had been doing to me. I finally broke it down in my journal but could not find anyone to validate what I came up with. Until now. Thank you. And now I know there is also a path to complete recovery.

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    Kim Saeed November 5, 2016

    Hi Tim, thank you for sharing your experience. Yes, healing is possible and I truly wish you all the best in your path.

    Kim
    XoXo

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Vanessa November 4, 2016

I was having a huge problem at work in which I was taking my boss to an employment tribunal. Exh wouldn’t let me talk about it. I ended up having a nervous breakdown and he kicked me out.

Almost two years on he’s still trying to ruin my life.

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    Lyndsay January 18, 2017

    Mine did the same. Added to my work stress by being erratic and controlling, then left me when I had a breakdown.

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Chauntelle November 3, 2016

Thank u for this article. That is exactly what I have figured out is the Reason I haven’t & can’t seem to seperate myself from this toxic demon that I Need to cut all ties with. I cling to the situation like a starving spider monkey. And Ive actually spent a good year +, working on “me” & preparing my emotional shortcomings to becoming stronger to be able to leave & Not Return. I feel like I Need someone there for me to cling to for my emotional security & peace of mind in order for me to do this. It sounds even more awful writing it than when I admit it. But sadly that is the case. I almost want to hire a “nanny”, lol. Someone who I can pay just to be “there” so I dont feel so alone and abandoned. Abandonment syndrome is oh so real & oh so debilitating & annoying to have. I hate it. If I didnt have that I think Id be alright.

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Melissa September 23, 2016

Wow. Many of your articles have hit home for me — and this one….just wow. You seriously know exactly how the soul suckers operate.

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    Kim Saeed September 25, 2016

    Hi Melissa. Well, let’s say there’s no better education than trial by fire. I’m glad you are finding useful information here 🙂

    Kim

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    Julius November 3, 2016

    I’m also blown away and a little embarrassed..My wife who i thought was the love of my life is like a textbook narcissist..word for word..every tactic,…I’m still having a rough time, she did discard me at THE worst time in my life, but these groups and forums are really helping me. Thanks for the help, I’m usually a mess all day until i start studying this subject. I know i’m not alone.

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      GayeLynn November 4, 2016

      I’m replying as a question for Kim to answer your statement Julius~
      “My wife who i thought was the love of my life is like a textbook narcissist..word for word.”
      WHY? Why don’t they just veer off the sociopath path, EVER?
      Why are they so textbook?
      You’d think they’d be smart enough to try and trip us up that way.

      Then again, I guess they do, don’t they?
      My 5.5 year relationship was 85% good and only 15% bad.
      (Which was much better than my 17 year marriage percentage) :/.
      That’s why we stay until the end where they all pretty much do that part exactly the same.

      Painfully…..VERY painfully

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      yasmin kellner November 5, 2016

      I have just been through 8.5 years with a sociopath narcissist , I understand and feel the same ……..its really hard to get over the manipulation …….I believed, as his psych did that it was bi polar and learnt childhood behaviour ….He was the victim when it suited and I could never be good enough or care enough………..it s crazy making

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Sara August 21, 2016

@ The Pinch . I already went to a Pschiatrist and she couldn’t help me with this.I even went to counseling with him along and he eventually stopped after 3 sessions. But i came on this forum because i couldn’t get help elsewhere so im kinda disappointed you sending me to a psychologist . I just want to anwers .

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    Kim Saeed August 22, 2016

    Hi Sara, there are some great counselors who are very educated in narcissistic abuse. It’s just hard to find them, but they do exist.

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Sara August 21, 2016

I just want to know Kim if he really was a narcist ?or a abuser? He was cop and very controlling .but how come he suddenly dumped me and never hoovered? Can you elaborate?

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    ThePinch August 21, 2016

    I am not a psychiatrist, but I ended up going to one, and lurking around the DSM 5 and so forth. My doctor stated with reservation (he wasn’t there to respond directly) that from all accounts mine was a full blown psychopath – as was my father, and my ex husband.

    Your friend sounds unstable, and that’s all you need to protect yourself. If you want to explore the topic, my suggestion is to develop a relationship with a qualified professional such as a psychiatrist or a psychologist. They will be very helpful in your healing.

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Sara August 21, 2016

I also been in a abusive relationship . Im not sure if he was narcism. But he love bombed me and said he had childhood trauma and didn’t spoke to his mom for 7 years. He bought me a expensive gifts first date and he took me out on fancy dated. Wanted to be with me 24/7 and called me 24/7. He wanted to meet my family early on. Finally went i kind of declined the engagement he started getting mad. And he also critisced me that i looked to often in the mirror and i wear revealing clothes. So eventually he just picked a huge fight of my clothes on his own bday surprise by me. And then i broke up with him . We then went apart for 3 months and thence got together to clear things out. And then he demanded that i kept my problems hidden from my parents with i didn’t agreee on. He never called back neither did i. Since then broken up for 3 years. We had a relationship for 9 months.

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Nisha August 20, 2016

My father did this at every important juncture in my life. literally.

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lgd August 2, 2016

I am astounded at how accurate and true all I am reading here. I just had this happen to me . I caught him making plans with a woman at work. Telling her it was an “Angry Roommate” situation. Soon as his finances was in order so he wouldn’t be homeless or go to jail he would be out of this bad relationship! The tragic part was after almost 5 years of him we were to be married on Dec 31, 2016 our 5 yr anniversary. The other sad is I have 15 months left to get my bachelors’ in psychology. I dropped out the last 2 years after I finished my associates degree bc of all the things always going on with him and trying to get him to the doctor and get him better. He is a paranoid schizophrenic, (his mother and his older brother diagnosed and his brother killed his wife from this) He also is bi-polar and I diagnosed his NPD. I ask his doctor not to list his real diagnosis so he would not loss his gun rights as he is an avid hunter. After all he said he now felt better than he has since he was a teenager now 42. I tried to fix him and he dumped me after all I have helped him through, drugs, alcohol abuse, Fixing his lack in taxes, child support, All throne away! WHY I AM I HURTING SO BAD< knowing it was a bad relationship! I can't comprehend how you uproot , never shed a tear and blame me for your cheating and say such vial vicious cruel things to the only person who knows your darkest secrets, fears, problems. Above all loved you unconditionally! I knew better but I wanted to help him be so much more and we had so many dreams and at this moment I can barely function. I have no friends , my only child was killed in an accident 15 years ago this month. I was married to my soul mate for 14 years who left me and destroyed my world. Shortly after I met this one who has been all I have had he last 5 years. When I say I have no friends I was isolated to them both and I have my mom and dad that was it. I am so not sure I can hang on through another tragedy like this in life.

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    Karen August 3, 2016

    You can do this…Go back to school. Finish your degree and make new friends. Being in your position of helping my ex narc, I will warn you. He will come back and ask for your help again. He may even be with his new person, but tell you they are done and then leave once again when he receives the help from you he wants. This has happened more times than I want to admit with me. My advice change your numbers, block his numbers and don’t look back. Do not let him back into your life at all. Find other activities to keep yourself occupied. Volunteer, go back to school, do anything and everything to keep yourself busy and do not contact him.

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      ThePinch August 3, 2016

      Yay, Karen! You’re the best.

      In a sick kind of a way, this was the best thing that happened to me. I can only say this with fellow Kim people, but in the longer run, it’s true.

      100 days of NC, even though he is 3 doors down. Three months of catcalls, letters, pleading, guilt trips, doorbell rings, phone calls, backyard invasions, self doubt, sending in friends….

      I’ve worked so very hard on being superficial. Thank God for Ferrgamo pumps when you need them most. 😉

      All kidding aside, i know now that he is a psychopath, and any attempts that he makes to reconnect with me are TO HURT ME, up to and including violence.

      I’ve made some great inroads into my family of origin stuff, and I now know emotionally why I have a history of this kind of … mammal.

      That through Kim and friends, I don’t have to continue this way. That alone is a quantum leap.

      I had the confidence to finish my house and list it. While it may seem sad that I’m selling, the price groundbreaking, and I am getting plenty of showings! To be honest, that little cottage on the water that I have always wanted is one step closer.

      I’ve completed 90% of the book I was writing. I was so furious that I had allowed myself to sink to his level that I attacked the keyboard and let it rip.

      True confessions: It’s been hell. This was worse than quitting smoking, because the rewards were not obvious. In truth, I really didn’t know where or why, only that I had to change.

      If I can pull this off at 63, anybody can. Stick with the winners – and with Kim.

      Cheers!

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        Arlene McKenna February 5, 2017

        So happy to read your story. Hope your life is now fulfilled and rewarding. I’m so looking forward to my freedom at 55.

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      lgd August 4, 2016

      Thank you all I appreciate this so very much. I have it in my head, I just cant get it to the heart. I know better by everything I have read and seeing the stories here, I find myself wanting to make that contact with him so bad . Even after finding my mother had a stroke the next day after he left she is till in critical care. I find myself thinking I should use that as an excuse. Then I think he will say you are trying to manipulate me with that stuff. I find every mean cruel word replaying in my head over and over . Asking myself why ? He never left before in 5 years. This was the first how could he not shed a tear not care what he gave up. I even know how much I fixed for him when I met him, His taxes were screwed up, he lost his job and slept for a year in bed saying he was too depressed to do anything. He got on meth and was already and alcoholic and smoked dope when I met him and I overlooked all that. I helped him get of a 4 gr a day Meth habit giving him a little at a time to keep him from going to rehab and people finding out.Trying to find the good in him, help him . I finally convinced him 6 months ago to go to the Dr. get on MEDS, He said he felt better than he had since a teenager and was getting more active. He still raged and raged at times usually about every 3 weeks as it got worse and worse even after meds. I had his Dr list as depression so he wouldn’t be labeled with paranoid schizophrenia . All this to keep him from losing his gun rights. So many things I see I tried to do and had so many hopes and dreams and thought we did together , He has no family here except 2 daughter that quit having anything to do with him 2 yrs ago. Blames me of course but his kids kept in contact with me. He never looked back, not a tear not anything. Why is this devastating me? I used say no one lives for free, he get so mad he makes great money and great benefits but until I took over his finances 3 yrs ago he would be broke in no time. Always my fault. I showed him with me taking care of things we bought a boat took a trip to Alaska and was buying a tractor the weekend he I caught him. Thanks for listening and helping encourage me. I am desperate to do something if its just give up and die to stop this pain. I know I need go back to school and I think how do I concentrate I have no support here and I am afraid to go out by myself, that is first time I admit this I am afraid to be alone I am afraid to go by myself I feel so FAT as he has called me I think I need to lose weight before I can go out. Yet I want to go to find what bar I know he will be at. Also she so much older than him to . I

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GayeLynn August 1, 2016

My Sociopath left me at the ODDest worst possible time!
HIS!?
I was with him for 5.5 years and I’d say the 1st 3 years that he left me so many times, all in all, we were together a year.
Then, he moved into my place in April 2014.
Those WERE a really GOOD (but BAD) 2 years.
Of course, he lived here for free cause I wanted him to pay his “other” bills and needless to say, they were never paid.
I have SOoOOoooo much to say but to reply directly to this post only~He left 6/11/16.
He’s lost his electricity/water to his house, cell phone and his entire business due to not paying the bills.
Because he didn’t pay the back taxes on his house, that is NOW his new loss.
(That’s what I MEAN~He left ME at HIS worst time!(?)
We got into a very stupid fight, (aren’t they all(?) and he packed for 5 hours and LEFT!
I never ONCE thought of stopping him cause I was in SHOCK that he’s leaving a FREE roof to a roof that will no longer be~very shortly.
(They made a 1 time deal with him that his house would go onto the foreclosure list but he could try to sell it within 6 months.)
Either way, the outcome makes him homeless by February 2017.
(The last time I saw him, he said he was going to apply for low income housing and I told him he still has to PAY for that and he said, “Not if I don’t have any money.” I couldn’t believe he thinks he wouldn’t be a “homeless” person and that they would let him live in a low income place for FREE!) haha!!
I have made it loud and clear since last February that I would NOT pay the back taxes owed, about $11,000, so he better think of a way to pay them himself but he didn’t even TRY.
2 Days after the “fight”, I went to his place and told him I wanted him to come home.
He gave me a genuine hug and I assumed that was a yes.
I was under the impression he had his house all cleaned out and just needed a cleaning to get it picture ready to put on the market and I was so impressed he got so far, as he is a hoarder, that I offered to pay the taxes. (DON’T WORRY!~IT DIDN’T HAPPEN as there IS A GOD!! 🙂
We went to get a drink and something to eat and when we got back, I asked to see inside the house and I was again, SHOCKED as he didn’t even START to clean it out.
He did come back to my place that night and he slept like a baby as I paced all night long KNOWing I had no option other than retract the offer to pay the taxes.
When he got up the next morning, we said our Good Mornings and I told him it wouldn’t last and told him I decided to NOT pay the back taxes.
He just said ok.
When I left for work, we kissed good-bye and he said I love you FIRST.
Not sure WHY but my gut KNEW that he’d be gone when I got home and he was.
I waited 10 days and went back to his place and tried again to ask him to come home and asked if I could help him out as in getting a dumpster etc.
Then the dam broke and the rage spewed.
HELP ME? SURE. YOU OFFER TO PAY THE TAXES AND THAN YOU SAID NO. YOU’RE ALWAYS FLIP-FLOPPING. I’M TIRED OF OWING PEOPLE AND HAVING PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF ME. WE’RE DONE!! IT’S OVER! I NEED A NEW START!!
That’s the FIRST time I realized that he WAS with me ONLY for the MONEY!
He’d never come out and directly ask for it.
He just always GUILTED me into giving it to him.
It’s been 7(?) weeks to the day I last saw him and I lost 10 pounds.
(I was already underweight so now I’m REALLY underweight!~90 pounds and I’m 5’4″.)
2 weeks ago, in the midst of this horrendous breakup, my 17 year old cat cost me $1200 to basically find out he’s FINE.
He was hardly eating or going to the bathroom so I KNEW something was wrong and never did I associate him just acting the way I made him feel and I SHOULD have KNOWN better but at least I have a peace of mind that he’s not leaving me anytime soon!
SO, back to my sociopath X~not at all sure of what or why or how or where he’s doing anything right now but I started my OWN smear campaign (I will go into more detail on my own Word-Press blog as it doesn’t seem to fit in this category) once I KNEW deep in my heart that this, being his 384-th time he’s “left” me, was the LAST time as I will NEVER let him back for what he’s done to me!!
I started my blog in 2012 and it hasn’t been updated very well.
https://loonapath.wordpress.com.
YES….I knew what was happening for MANYMANYMANY years but I accepted it as I FELT, at the TIME, this was love.
Ef’d UP love but love all the same as I had MORE fun and did MORE things in the last 5.5 years than I had EVER done prior with anyone else.
That’s where we ALL have a problem that when “they” leave us, we allow them BACK, over and over and over again cause even though our gut KNOWS, our heart sees the good (and it really IS good when it’s GOOD) and our brain makes us blind to the bad (and it really IS bad when it’t BAD!)

GayeLynn
♥♥♥♥

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Jennifer July 30, 2016

Hi Fellow Goddess Warriors!! I had no idea, until recently, that I was in a narcissistic abusive relationship for 6 years. I was discarded, again, catastrophically, 3 months ago. I always thought that narcissists were egotistical, self-centered, successful, intelligent people. I never thought the “thing” I was with was a narcissist because I thought they were supposed to be smart, and my narc was anything but smart. He barely made it through high school. He could barely read. He was definitely egotistical and self-centered. He was 40 years old, and still talked to his mother EVERY DAY. She financially supported him. He was an alcoholic and a pot head. In my defense, we live in a very small town, and there is definitely slim pickins!! We “broke up” a thousand times, but we always got back together. I would initiate the reunions, always. I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing him with someone else. I thought the pain of the relationship surely beat the pain of seeing him with someone else.

I had no idea what I was until a friend of mine made me research narcissistic abuse. OMG. The first story I read, I was convinced the girl had dated my ex!!! I had no idea of the depth of the psychosis. I kept reading and reading, amazed at every story. How did this happen to me? I always considered myself pretty intelligent. HA!! I am a college graduate, came from a very intelligent family, way too generous, way too eager to help others. How could someone not appreciate that? If I started from the beginning and told you what he did to me and what I put up with, this would go on for pages and pages. I tried changing everything about me, accepting more and more abuse. The limbo bar I had to crawl under became lower and lower, yet I kept taking it. He did everything…EVERYTHING…to me, and he would flaunt it right in front of me. I swear I saw him smiling during one of my breakdowns. I gave him money, I took him places, gave him opportunities he would never have. I was the man in the relationship, always fixing things for him. He was just so “helpless”. Ugh. I’m so ashamed and embarrassed. I saw the look my friends gave me. It was a mixture of pity, disgust and disbelief.

The latest discard was devastating. I had been visiting my son, who was having serious depression issues. I had a trip planned to go back to our small town, and the “thing” and I were going to move in together. He always said that he resented that I would never live with him. Did I mention he has serious OCD, and I never, NEVER, did anything correctly in his house? He always came behind me and redid everything. Even though I knew I would be a slave to him, I agreed to move in with him. So, a few days before I was supposed to leave, he went missing. We usually talked several times a day, but he wasn’t answering. I received a very curt email from him telling me he was out of town, and he would talk to me on Monday…the day I was leaving. My flight was leaving at 7:30 p.m. At 4, I had not heard from him, so I called him. He answered cheerfully, “What’s up?” He proceeded to tell me that I should cancel my trip because he had met someone else.

Needless to day, I was devastated. My best friend came to my house, cancelled my flight, and supplied me with Xanax. For 2 weeks, I cried, took Xanax, lost 15 pounds, and contemplated suicide. Through research, I have made incredible steps towards recovery. My dilemma now is this…I am going back to the small town in September. I have asked my friends to not tell me anything about him, so I don’t even know if he is with the girl, with another girl, nothing. I want to prepare myself for seeing him. I don’t know how to react to him. Do I say Hi and act like nothing? Do I ignore him? How do I handle it, within me, if I see him with someone else? I will do my best not to see him, but it is almost inevitable that I will. Also, most of the people in this small town think he is so sweet and innocent. I know he has been telling all of his minions how abusive and crazy I am. I will admit to some crazy behavior, but I know I was driven to act like that. I feel like I should don a T-shirt saying, “I’m with stupid”, and the arrow is pointing at myself!! I am extremely nervous about this, and I welcome any and all advice. I apologize for the lengthiness of this comment, but I promise you, it is the condensed version!!!

JV

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JC July 25, 2016

Hi Kim

Your articles and these blogs help me see a little more clearly. My NS has been going through a divorce, but is a workaholic and claims he has no time, but yet expects me to wait on the sideline until he can make time for him, be at his beckon and call. I go out with friends, and he gets jealous of them. Recently I made the mistake of having drinks at a party and drove home which was close by, and still no excuse, and unfortunately got a DUI (which I was angry at myself for my poor decision making). I’m not alcoholic, just made a poor decision and mistake. I told my NS, and he then started to mentally punish me, and has said some mean things to me, judging, and just knocking my sel-esteem. He then broke up with me and put it down to this one incident. We’ve fought in the past, and he told me he would only see me if I drank water from now on. I felt very controlled and angry at his behaviour. I’ve seen him drink and make a right ass of himself… and yet here he is coming down on me. I don’t take drinking and driving lightly… something I will never do again… but no support, just talks about how tough his life is with his work and divorce. My family and friends who I have talked to say let him go as this seems to be an abusive cycle of his. I really loved him, I’ve been there for him on so many occasions, and now when I needed support, just get verbal abuse. Very hurtful. Today is Day 1 of no contact. Joke is, I miss him, but know this is how life would be with him. Saddens me deeply, as I realize now who he really is.

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    ThePinch August 7, 2016

    A narcissist can cause us to put up with great personal damage. In turn, we have the potential to cause great damage to ourselves, and possibly to others. Things that we would never believe that we were capable of. This is why it is so important for me to set up no contact. It’s not just him, it’s also ME.

    I didn’t drink that much. But I drank and smoked pot for some very good reasons. No one would blame me. I didn’t indulge that much. I didn’t fit the definition. But one morning I realized that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. If I had to quit, so what. No big deal. And to be honest, it wasn’t.

    I started going to 12 step meetings. There I met a lot of men (to avoid) and in time, women just like me. Through them, I came to realize that through my family, I had been pre-programmed to accept abuse. That partaking made me vulnerable to narcissists. And that I would forgive myself.

    Reply
Springy July 25, 2016

Ah yes, my “special little narc” decided to tell me as I was getting the kids passports renewed so we could go visit my parents in on a different continent. My dad is terminally ill and living on borrowed time. My narc had been dragging his feet about renewing our eldest’s passport. And now I know why. Rather than the kids and I going to see my parents, we’ve spent the summer working on the divorce. He’s found himself a fellow narc, and they’ve hooked up. Splitting up two families in the process. They have the kids around their new love interest, it’s frankly disgusting.

He also told me this one week before mother’s day and three weeks before my birthday. But I can deal with that. It’s the not being able to visit my parents that’s a killer. My dad is in and out of the hospital. I hope once the divorce is finalized, we can take a quick trip over and visit, even for a week or two.

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sonali July 10, 2016

I was having heart problems and after I found out I needed surgery, he responded by picking up a 20 years younger woman he sat next to in the audience of a show I was in on 12/12/15, while I was onstage. I know I’ve told this story before but it bears retelling because it shows the lengths they will go to to get back at you for seeing through them and challenging their behavior. He could have found a woman anywhere but what better way to stick it to me than do it on my turf right in front of me?

The rest of the month he went back to SUPER love bombing me, it was heaven, just like the beginning…except the damage had been done, I just didn’t really want to be with him anymore. Didn’t know about the woman yet. And then after a wonderful Christmas together, he called me the next day and said he wanted to come over & talk because he thought we should break up. I said “No need to come over, we’re done” and hung up on him. I think his intention was not really to break up but just mess with my head to get a response, because I had pretty much stopped responding to his crap.

I packed all his stuff, put it in the hallway, changed the lock on my apartment door and refused to see him despite his many calls, emails, texts and even showing up at my house. The next day, he told me about the woman, but claimed nothing had happened…yet. I guess I was supposed to be jealous but I wasn’t, I was furious and offended Offended because he thought he was so different and special, but his behavior was so ordinary, such a stereotype. A man in his 60s running off with a much younger woman when his age-appropriate partner has a serious illness is not exactly the road less traveled.

At that point I told him he was dead to me and blocked all avenues of communication. True to narc form, he started showing up at all the places we used to go holding hands with his new young victim. I blocked all his enabler friends on FB. Stopped talking to people who INSISTED on talking about him. Stayed friends with a few who understand that I don’t even want to hear his name. I know nothing about him, or her, and that’s the way I want it.

It’s been 6 months since my 3 year descent into hell with this soul-sucking vampire ended. My life that was in tatters is great, better than it was before. I’m back to making art, performing, thriving and blossoming in every area. I had a very successful heart surgery, lost the 22 pounds I gained due to the stress of being with him. All the other problems I was having- headaches, rashes, IBS, etc, vanished within days of the breakup. I look great, people couldn’t get over how different I looked right after the breakup, they kept saying I looked 10 years younger. So glad to have that sick, twisted narcopath out of my life forever!

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    Kim Saeed July 10, 2016

    Sonali, how refreshing to know of your success after going No Contact. I am delighted to learn you’ve gotten healthy and reconnected with the hobbies you are so passionate about.

    What an inspiration! <3

    Kim

    Reply
      ThePinch July 10, 2016

      Thanks, Sonali. That’s a great story of recovery – and a very strong woman.

      Reply
      sonali July 10, 2016

      Thank you Kim and ThePinch. The sad thing is, those aren’t hobbies, I’m a full time artist and performer and he messed up my head so bad I could not do the work that gives me LIFE. But I’m back now and doing the best work I’ve ever done

      I did break NC one time. We broke up 12/27/15 and 12/28/15 I went NC.

      The following month, this past January, the Bronx Zoo had a Valentines Day offer that for a $10 donation you could name a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach in the zoo after someone, and they sent them a certificate by email. Yes, I did it, I knew I shouldn’t but I did. I’m sure he just used that to play the victim with NS and his Enabler Squad but I don’t really care, I want nothing to do with any of them.

      But that gives him supply and I won’t give him any more.

      Reply
Katie Abbitt July 8, 2016

When I first met him I had nothing but respect and I very much loved our conversations. He was handsome, intelligent, successful, responsible and nice. As we proceeded, I began to become apprehensive. The way he wanted to move quicker than I was comfortable with. The way he wanted to meet my son before I was ready. The way he lied to me about being married. The way he lied some more once I confronted him. I liked him and wanted things to work so I forgave him and kept him in my life. I was honest about my reservations with him from the start but he convinced me I was just scared about committing because my last relationship was so hard. He told me I could trust him and we could make things work. He took me on trips, to fancy restaurants and was always there. He told me he liked my big heart. I moved in with him but then found out something that literally killed a piece of my soul. He had been seeing another woman. He hid that relationship from me and he hid me from her. I was looking forward to a bright future with him and to provide a nice stable home for my son when all of this happened. He told me he was only with her because he felt I wasn’t totally invested in him. I should have left then but I forgave him again and wanted to make it work somehow. And, so we carried on and bought a house together and had a baby. But, I was miserable. I was unhappy. He put me through hell. The way he disciplined my son and made me uncomfortable. The way he criticized my parenting and made me feel worthless. The way he would get in my face and intimidate me. The way he would stay in bed until noon ignoring my son. The way spending quality time with my son was a chore for him. The way he would tell me everything was all my fault and never take any ownership. The way he couldn’t provide emotional support. The way he expected to be at the top of my list without recognizing or appreciating the other people and interests in my life. When he would distort my reality. When he told me of his unfortunate plight of choosing damaged women. When he would be emotionally abusive and call me unstable for having a reaction. When he acted one way in public and another at home. When it was impossible to connect with him intimately. When his salary was more than double mine but made me feel all spending should be equal. When he told me to treat him like a King before he could treat me like a Queen. The way he never let me talk and always cut me off. The way he used the house as a weapon. When I walked in on him talking on the phone to another woman. When I was 8 months pregnant and he told me to “get out”. When he locked me out of the house. When he put a lock on the thermostat. The way he would pretend and put on a show. The way he treated my son like he didn’t matter. The way he believed he owed no explanation for his wrongs. The way he always gave me the silent treatment. The way he grabbed me and threw me onto the bed in front of our baby. The way he wouldn’t let me pick up my baby when she was crying. The way he completely rejected me at the one of the hardest times in my life, while battling post partum with a 5 month old baby. The way he now has someone new and when I go to pick up my baby, she smells of her perfume. The way he won’t allow me to have feelings about that.

I’m so glad I found this website! I’m already feeling better knowing that I’m validated and it is possible to heal. It’s been two days of no contact and I’m looking forward to the next 6 weeks of additional no contact and self healing. Thank you!

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    Kim Saeed July 12, 2016

    Oh, Katie. I am so sorry he used your children to manipulate and abuse you. I hate that, and I know what it feels like.

    You are much better than he is and were always too good for him. I truly hope you continue to heal, that your relationship with your children grows deeper by the day, and that you experience all the joy and wonder that life has to offer.

    Kim
    XoXo

    Reply
      Katie July 12, 2016

      Aw, thank you so much, Kim! I’m reading How to do No Contact Like a Boss and feeling stronger everyday.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed July 12, 2016

        Yay! Glad to hear it, Katie 🙂

        Reply
sue July 6, 2016

Dear Kim and Friends, with all the creeps slithering about, it’s no wonder single moms prefer to stay single.

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Bc July 6, 2016

It took me a while to write what I wrote yesterday and for you not to publish it.. That’s a shame you don’t promote other people who work much more deeply with people being narcissistically abused. That’s withholding information. We work together, not in competition.

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    Kim Saeed July 6, 2016

    Hi Bc, I actually approved and responded to your comment, the one about your being devalued when you were pregnant. I am sorry you feel I didn’t publish your comment. If you left more than one, it may be that I haven’t seen it yet.

    Reply
Anon July 5, 2016

Guess what I got for my (special occasion!) 50th Birthday?! Discarded!!! You are so right about this Kim. Their timing is cruelly calculated. 3 years out I now appreciate the gift that he gave me for that special birthday. Freedom. No more drama. Still pain of the betrayal and still pondering on what was true and what was fake (everything I bet), but sweet freedom. Good riddance, narc!

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    Kim Saeed July 6, 2016

    Glad you have a pass for your new life, Anon! I hope you’ll take good care of yourself and do all the things you’ve been wanting to do!

    Kim

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barb.may July 5, 2016

This is so spot on accurate. Thank you. I say thank you because it validates what I already know: it’s not me.

Here is my story. I met the love of my life and we had what I thought was a perfect relationship. Sure he had his faults, but who doesn’t? He had baggage, but so did I. I didn’t think it was anything that was a deal breaker. We celebrated our one-year anniversary and things were fine. There were little things, he wanted a joint Facebook account and would ask me why I was staying friends with people from high school … but I didn’t see what was right in front of my face. He met my family, and it looked like we were going to go to the next step in our relationship … the “m” word!

Then I had to go on a business trip for a week. He had made noises about not liking one of the guys I work with, but I never took them seriously. I knew I wasn’t going to cheat on my love, so people flirting with me were irrelevant. He drops me at the airport Monday morning. He seems fine. I call him when I get to the hotel. He starts picking a fight with me. I go to the first event of the business trip, and he gets mad at me for going. It was a meet-and-greet cocktail hour. He had been sober for 10 years. He got angry and posted on Facebook about how he “didn’t like my company because it promotes alcoholism.” I spend most of the rest of the night on the phone with him, arguing, of course.

Tuesday morning he breaks up with me via text message. I took all of his texts and sent him to his sponsor, because it sounded all the world to me like he was drinking. Wednesday night he posts more stuff (from our joint Facebook account) about me, cheating, and my company. Here is the kicker — the person he was worried about wasn’t even there for 24 hours, because his wife had to be hospitalized. Not that that matters, because by this point, he was making stuff up. Thursday was more of the same, but I still (stupidly) thought that we would patch things up.

Friday night, I get off the airplane, and he’s nowhere to be found. He told my sister that I was getting back together with my ex-boyfriend. He stranded me at the freaking airport. There just isn’t really another feeling like that special humiliation of being stood up at the baggage claim.

I got home that night and deactivated that joint account. He has since then vilified me on social media. He told mutual friends that I had “gone off my meds”, cheated on him (which, I didn’t do), did other “really terrible things.” Yeah, like stood by him through his health issues. And he even told his friends THAT, too: “Me, being a heart patient, I don’t need this! (referring to my alleged cheating)” he told a mutual friend, who has since dropped him.

The thing is, I knew he had trust issues, but I thought he trusted ME at least. I gave him no reason to think otherwise. We talked and texted every day. He knew where I was and who I was with. No trust is a major red flag.

So it’s been over six months and I am still reeling from it. I have kept the no-contact since that first week, because I know there is nothing I can do to fix things. And why would I even want to? I think of him now as a toxic addiction. I would like to know when I am going to get better. When will I stop thinking of him? When will I stop hurting from him? When will I get an explanation of what the hell happened? I don’t WANT to think about him or feel anything for him. I WANT to be over him. But I think I have a ways to go to recovery. Isn’t it sad I imagine getting over him to be like AA?

Where is he now? I don’t know — I have been deleted and blocked on Facebook, which is for the best.

My cousin said it best: “I want you to remember this, when you’re feeling bad: Remember that he has a poor relationship at best with his brother. Remember that he was left off his other brother’s obituary. There is a reason for that, and the reason has nothing to do with you.” She is so right. And intellectually, I know that. It’s my heart that has trouble hearing those wise words.

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    ThePinch September 22, 2016

    Dear Barb.May,

    By co-incidence, I am a member of AA, and have achieved over 26 years of continuous sobriety. In my opinion, it was a wise and compassionate move to contact his sponsor. Again, in my opinion, a screw definitely got knocked loose.

    Back in the day, AA had an expression along the lines of A sober muleskinner is still a muleskinner. There is a lot of work to be done once in sobriety. Not everybody is prepared to undertake these steps. And sometimes, it can happen that drinking was masking underlying illnesses such as narcissism, PTSD, fear of intimacy…or all of the above. In fact, one of AA`s co-founders was treated by a psychiatrist.

    My list of ex SO`s is peppered with alkies. Today, my repertoire of 12 step groups also includes Al Anon. This group was founded by the wife of a co-founder, and is designed for people whose lives have been affected by alcoholism in a friend or relative. Together with Kim`s blog, I have found it to be quite helpful, because we talk about our feelings – not him.

    Good luck, and God Bless!

    Reply
      sunnychapman September 22, 2016

      I’ve been sober in AA for 32 years and sorry, I don’t agree with contacting his sponsor. It’s up to the alcoholic to deal with his own disease, and up to the codependent to deal with her own issues of trying to control the alcoholic, better to talk to her own sponsor in Alanon. The right thing for his sponsor to do would be delete those texts because it was not appropriate to send them in the first place.
      The only time we should intervene is if there’s an IMMINENT threat to the alcoholic or others. Like when my sister called to tell me she’d taken a bunch of pills, had more in her purse and was going to take them all. I called the police, hated doing it but if I hadn’t she’d be dead. But would I ever call her sponsor and tell her she was drinking? Absolutely not.
      I learned in nearly as many years in Alanon that I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. We all end up in Alanon because we had alcoholics in our lives that we were trying to control and fix, and could not. We needed to learn to detach with love, and keep the focus on ourselves.
      BTW, the NYC version is “You take a son of a bitch and sober him up and what you’ve got is a sober son of a bitch”. 🙂

      Reply
bc July 5, 2016

Yep. He was devaluing me slowly through my pregnancy but not letting me go completely (he was married and in the process of re-valuing her). At six months I woke up and cut him loose – but not before he called me to tell me never to contact him again. So I didn’t.

We win. 🙂

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    Kim Saeed July 5, 2016

    Way to show up for yourself, bc!! Woo Hoo!

    Reply
Anon July 3, 2016

Another spot on article! I helped my narc through the illness and loss of his mother and was there EVERY step of the way, even helping to plan the funeral. In less than a month he dumped me (again). I ran into him four months later and he said he loved me, missed me, etc. I had just found out I had a brain tumor. When he heard that news I never heard from him again. Two months later he was married to someone else. He avoids me at all costs and refuses to look me in the eye. I’m doing better now but the memory of his abuse still chills my spine.

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    Anon July 5, 2016

    They are absolutely heartless, soul-less. Being with someone so toxic would impede your recovery. I wish you the peace you deserve being away from your narc and a full and speedy recovery.

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    Shannon Rosser July 15, 2016

    Won’t get into my situation in detail, but I had cancer, too. He didn’t leave, but what he did was worse in many respects. Anyway, I was sorry to read about your story and can sure empathize. You are SO much better off without people like this, as am I.
    It took me experiencing something really, really crappy for me to understand that there are tons of what I call low-level narcissists out there who do things not because there’s money or anything really to be gained – they are just jerks totally lacking in empathy and who actually enjoy causing other people pain and trouble. It is very hard to wrap your mind around that because, as I said, there is often nothing gained for anyone and the collateral damage is pretty bad – extended family and friends get hurt, financial impact on everyone (it’s never cheap), etc.
    A lot of people didn’t believe me for a long, long time, and that hurt but I get it now. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, coming from someone I’d known for decadess without any real warning that he was capable of such evil, I wouldn’t have ever believed anyone without a serious mental disorder would stoop that low. And have zero remorse or guilt. I do now believe that it is a serious mental disorder. Sure, he was always pretty self-absorbed, but in many ways, very trustworthy. He used to have some integrity, but that’s all gone now. He lies about stuff that doesn’t even matter. I think his age, and the stress of me no longer being able to take care of him due to me being ill, really worsened what was up till then a mild case of narcissism. Oh, and the evil, also married, stalker in-office GF really helped him achieve some new lows.
    As bad as things got in my case – almost killed me a few times – I still think that I’m better off now than living with that weird, OCD-ish, super passive aggressive torturer. Life with him at the end, and as we got older, was a living hell (he was just like his father, who he hated, and even worse so I knew enough not to think I caused him to behave the way he did). So there’s that. : )
    Hope you’re doing even better now and thanks for sharing your story – it sure does help others. Best wishes for your narc-free future.

    Reply
The Mont July 2, 2016

Ms. Kim…I truly appreciate your efforts and commitment regarding NPD people. I’m a man and I suffered greatly from my exN who is a female. God awful actions, behavior and decisions for 25+ yrs. Sucked badly especially for my older son and daughter. I read your blog’s and see all the pain and emotional turmoil in so many peoples lives that post. This is a terrible affection that our entire society is dealing with dad in and day out. I’m NO CONTACT for a very long time now. I continue forward for my sake and my family’s sake. Your posts are well appreciated and loved by those you know what these amoebas are. One celled! Spot on…they never change for the good of their relationship and children. Thank you Kim…the Mont.

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    Kim Saeed July 12, 2016

    Hi there, Mont. Thank you for your input and your kind praise. It’s important for us to remember that women can be just as toxic as men when it comes to narcissism…in fact, I’ve heard many stories by men about their female narcs that would put the garden-variety male narc to shame.

    I hope you and your children continue to heal and grow closer to one another in the process…thank you for stopping by 🙂

    Kim

    Reply
      Mark July 20, 2016

      Mont,

      I can attest to what Kim has said about Narcissistic women; I was with mine for 7yrs and I swear she was the poster child for NPD.

      At one point in time, over a period of a year, both of her grandmothers lived with us, at two different times, both of which passed away during that year. During this time she would go out with her “friends” or be “working late” and I was home taking care of both grandmothers, 2 kids, 4 pets and the house. (I was not her husband, they were not my children or grandmothers, but I loved them as if they were.) I would use Find My iPhone to see where she was and sure enough, she was the next street over at her male “friends” house. On one occasion I walked the dog and took a picture of her car in his driveway. When I confronted her with this tangible information, she denied all instances of being there or said she was “dropping something off”.

      For years I saw red flags and didn’t use my instinct to get out of this abhorrent relationship. I would be Hoovered over and over again and continued to lose my self respect and self confidence.

      Then I found this website! It has gotten me through some difficult times and will continue to help me recover from this. I bought Kim’s eBook “How To Do No Contact Like A Boss” and read it faithfully every day and recommend it to everyone! I’m always on her website reading stories like yours, which lets me know, I’m not alone!

      I can’t thank Kim enough for all of the information she has provided to us Narcissistic abused people and the confidence she instills back in us, letting us know, WE CAN MAKE IT THROUGH!

      So, thank you for sharing your story Mont. I wish you the best of luck and hope the bond between you and your children has strengthened!

      Mark

      Reply
aurora July 2, 2016

same same same same. Thankyou Kim for this helpful and healing information. It has been years now since this happened to me, but its so enlightening to see it written and finally understand and accept it at an emotional/psychological level.

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Mary July 2, 2016

i had an on off relationship with a narcissist for almost 5 years. I think narcissism was only one of his issues. Possibly bipolar and definately alcohol. He left me anytime anything happenned. A new job, I got some money, wearing lipstick. The very worst was when my son committed suicide. He worked nights at that time. He got home early in the morning and I came over to have him pray with me. He was a clergyman in the army previously. Three days later he said he didn’t have time for a relationship. Six weeks later he was engaged to a woman he had lived with while he was stationed in the army in Germany (he had a wife and a son in the states). I called to congratulate him and he broke the engagement with her, stating that she just wanted to have a way to get to the United States and was using him for that reason. We were together again until I took a business trip for one day. He kept me on the phone for so long I almost got in trouble. Two days later he dumped me saying he had to take a break to find himself. He was actually grooming another one. 8 months later, this girl got cancer and guess what? He comes around again. We were together again and it all went ok for a while but I had a feeling he was doing this again. Little did he know, I had been looking periodically at his Facebook page. Any new likes to his selfies I looked at and would find out who he was with. So I silently knew what he was up to all the times he went silent. He was lining up new supply when I finally confronted him and told what I knew. The new girl was someone I knew personally. Not friends really, but I knew her. That was 2 days before my birthday. He started hoovering me again. Then the realization sunk in for him and he got very nasty and told me I would see how he would deal with it. He posted pictures of the sunrise from her back porch. He put an old pic of himself that I took showing him bottle feeding a calf from years ago. Then he contacts me again, takes me to dinner, and explains how he won’t deal with my negativity any more. I was negative knowing that leading up to this I knew he was cheating again. How was I supposed to feel positive? Anyway on what would have been my deceased sons birthday, many photographs appeared, taken by the new woman, of him in different poses on her porch. She is a professional photographer. A few days later one of those photographs appear on the old fiancé from Germany Facebook as a cover photo. This guy appears to triangulate everywhere. So when I saw that I deleted everything and threw out everything he ever gave me. Two months ago today. This post was right on time for me because I had a meltdown about all these betrayals earlier today. Thank you for giving me a place to write and to read and to heal.

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    Anon July 3, 2016

    Oh my gosh, your story rings such a bell with me! These people are ALL alike. I swear they’re all reading from the same script.

    I’m so very sorry about the loss of your son. I can’t even imagine the heartache and agony you’ve endured. Please be good to yourself and stay away from him for good!

    Reply
Andrea July 2, 2016

Yes, after 15 years together I actually got ill. Out of the blue the person wanted a divorce. The wolf in sheep’s clothing appeared. I could not believe what I saw in this individual. Yes, they had all the signs of a covert narricist. I’ve read every book on the subject, YouTube, websites . Everyone thinks this person is the best thing since sliced bread….I did too. There were signs, the cold, coolness, aloofness, uncaring throughout our time together. But this individual had so many good ( I thought) personality chacteristics I overlooked the flaws. But when the “real self ” shows up in the discard phase…wow! Of course they r still loved by all others ( none of them close to them….friends). They haven’t a clue….nor did I . In the middle of a terrible illness I got dumped….no caring no empathy. Though I was as close to our friends as she (gay relationship) they stayed with her. She had the ability to be the victim. I’m a normal, down to earth , caring individual yet she had this ability to make others c me in a different light. It’s the most devastating life event to not be able to share who the real person is, how manipulative they r….the perfect manipulator. No one would ever believe me…..I wouldn’t have if I was looking from the outside. I’ll leave u with one incident among many in the last 6 months of our 15 year relationship together 7 of those years married. I was so sick ( never ill before…very healthy lifestyle ) for the first time in my life I needed to go to,the emergency room. My spouse said she would take me but would not stay…why….because it took too long! Wow! Never saw this coming we were not arguing , still intimate, she just said she was not happy anymore. Three weeks later she met someone whom she is still with a year and 1/2 later. No, this person was not lurking in the background they actually met at a meetup group 3 weeks later! She never looked back…..

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Karen Estampa July 2, 2016

Once again you explain it perfectly. My mother recently passed away. That morning he wanted to be with me. He loved me and wanted me to leave her side and be with him. We knew she would be passing any minute and told him I would need him more than ever once she passed. When she did pass that evening. He didn’t answer his phones and was no where to be found. The next day he eventually sends a text saying he was sorry and i should be with my family. He knew I was all alone.

When we eventually spoke after a day or so, he was upset and crying because he had too many things going on, and it was too much pressure for him. Suddenly my mother’s death turned into being about him. To make matters worse, A couple days later “stephanie” text me from his phone saying she was his girl now and he didn’t want to be with me. How could someone be so cruel? Even if there was another, you would be there for someone who is always there for you. Not flaunt a new girlfriend for a few weeks even a month or so. The one person that was there. His flying monkey. Just stirring it up. Oh and yes, a few weeks later. He was calling because he loved and needed me. Asking me to his house.

There’s been other examples such as moving out on our daughter’s 17th birthday and seeing he is engaged less than two weeks later. Not calling for our daughter’s 18th birthday. Not calling for Christmas or not even acknowleding or attending our daughrer’s high school graduation. She is his youngest daughter and the only one to graduate from high school. One would think that he would want to experience and help her celebrate this milestone in her life. Especially since he claims to be so close with our daughter, and I turned her against him.

The best part I have never turned my back to this person.

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a ghost July 2, 2016

I have a question. I should probably ask this to a therepist again who once got me to believe that I am not bad but that’s waning. how do I know that I’m not the bad one. I’m told that I berate her but I feel that I’m the one that is blindsided with attacks I never saw coming and don’t really understand what happened but I react poorly to being attacked which makes me.the bad person. it’s always, you should have done this instead or said this instead or said it in this way instead. often I’m just left standing there wondering what the heck just happened. am i really that stupid? I feel that it happens when she is under stress and can’t attack anything else or when the attack on something else is failing.

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Rae July 2, 2016

This is very accurate and disturbing. It is really not about anyone but the narcissist. They want you think it is. It’s a very sick personality in action.

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Carmen July 2, 2016

Throughout my experience with my ex-husband who left me repeatedly for other women and now the most recent final blow three years ago, I have certainly learned my lesson. My ex left me for the final other woman while I was home taking care of my very elderly mom and looking over my oldest son who had been suffering from repeated bouts of highs and lows of schizophrenia. Things were finally looking up for a change, my ex was finally going to get his license back, my son was finally recovering, and my mom was doing really well. My ex was finishing his AA meetings in another town staying with a “friend” during the week and coming home on week-ends. Well, he had been having an affair for quite some time with the same woman he had a brief affair with in 08. Well, we are finally divorced now and I am finally free from all this. He left me while I was not working, totally financially dependent on him. It has been the most painful time of my life. But I have learned my lesson and am finally moving on. I am moving to Texas in two weeks to start my life over completely.

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    cristina September 10, 2016

    I’m really touched by your story and wish you much strength and love in your life in Texas!

    Reply
ThePinch July 2, 2016

Thank you for this. A home run once again, Kim.

This is how I came to understand why certain people with mental impediments leave you at the worst possible time.

Remember last time you were acutely sick – flu, food poisoning, injury. Your focus, however well intentioned, was on you. You weren’t much help to others.

Now imagine your life in a perpetual state of sickness. And you can’t solve the problem yourself, so you start looking at people, places and things to make you feel better. You will do anything – lie, cheat and steal – to get that fix.

The problem with these people is that, no matter how perfect they seem, they sometimes develop problems of their own. But you don’t have the capacity to help, because your focus is on you and your illness and its fix. So you find another fix. There are, after all, seven billion more people on this planet.

Some of us also know that illness. We learned early in life how to fix it, and make ourselves whole. We want to help others. We are overflowing with our love and kindness.

It SOUNDS like a powerful combination, one that will ultimately complete each other.

We never considered that the other person did not want to risk depending on one person. This is why they don’t want to do the work and risk behind maintaining a relationship. There is always something or someone else to listen, nurture, and adore them just the way they are. Poopy diapers, and all.

If you aren’t providing that fix, you either need to be discarded, or punished. That’s how emotional two year olds think.

There is no lesson to be learned from this, except perhaps one. There are those of us with an infinite capacity for love. Love itself is never a mistake. But loving one’s self, including the wisdom of self protection, must come first.

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Joyce M. Short July 2, 2016

Trauma Bonds are such a deeply felt, unconscious attachment that victims rarely perceive their unnatural nature and strength. They form because the offender was cruel.

When someone remains in a relationship with a person who’s been cruel, they need to begin self-talk, that starts with “Why do I want to be in a relationship with a cruel person?”

The emotional answer is; “Because I love them in spite of the pain,” or “Because if I stay, they will recognize they hurt me, appreciate my acceptance, and love me all the more.” Those are examples of the faulty brain impacts of “love hormones.”

People who respond this way need to activate their thinking brain to overcome the attachment of their emotional brain.

Reality thinking is; “I’m with someone who is capable of terrible cruelty toward me. I don’t want to spend my life with a cruel person. If they harmed me once, they can do it again, and I have no control over when or what that cruelty will be.”

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    Kim Saeed July 2, 2016

    A healing and insightful comment, Joyce. Thank you! <3

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Kim July 2, 2016

Dead on! My ex narc used my abandonment fear against me and tormented me by leaving and running to his mom’s every time he got mad. I still question why because his brother is nothing like him. All I heard was how good their raising was with his mom and dad. I never met his dad, he died a few years before we got together. In 3 years of dating this person, i could see his mother was always cautious not to make him mad and even agreed with me that he gets mad easily. Yet, she and everybody else thinks he’s an absolute angel. Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors in a relationship with a narc. If they do, like his ex wife, they keep it secret. i tried reaching out to his wife in desperation to only get better rejected and called the crazy one! I have had no contact for 2 weeks. Best thing I’ve ever done. Yes, it is hard at times. Knowing he’s moved on and dating already. I know I’m no where near ready to date. To me, that’s just asking for disaster. I’ve gotta find Kim again. Thank you for your posts. I find myself reading them every day and sometimes way up on the night. It breaks my heart to see other victims go through this. My heart breaks even for me daily. Why oh why do we go through this? Why do we accept it? Are we so weak? I pray the next victims are string women and run at the red flags i even saw at the begging but thought it was my own insecurities. Bless all!

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    Mark July 20, 2016

    KIm…I am right with you. I dealt with this for 7yrs and both Triangulation and Trauma Bonding have been used extensively on me; unreal how true they both are. Days without a call; weeks without seeing her and I thought it was me. She is dating as well, even started while we were still together. Thanks to Kim and her website, along with her book, I am working getting through this, like the rest of us!

    Reply
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